Ripped: Baby I'm Sorry
☠I'll Rip Your Story to Bits.☠ Reviews && Fanfic Help [Closed]
Title: Baby I'm Sorry
Author: BaNaNa_Bana
Reviewer: zining
Status: picked-up and credited.
Your Story is Called What?!: ☠☠☠
The title wasn’t special. I’m not even sure if it’s zesty or catchy. Besides, it wasn’t a totally original title (seeing as it’s a song title, and how in the world is that original?) It was one that would probably appeal to B1A4 fans though. I’ll give you that much.
I’m not even going to talk about the words in the title. Does it matter so much if the story is only for review or for reading purposes?
So this Thing Right Here...That's a Description and a Foreword...? You've Got to be Kidding Me!: ☠☠☠☠
Wow. Awesome Description you have there, a few lines.
I hope you could tell I was being utterly sarcastic.
While some stories get away with the mysterious vibe with only a few lines, most take a couple of lines before even getting a mite of the mysteriousness. And for you… maybe just a teeny little bit of suspense.
The plus point about your description is that it did manage to shed that little bit of mystery to your story, since you avoided mentioning names, the length was brief, and the accenting of words helped. Good!
The bad point is; it’s way too transparent.
In fact, in three lines, you managed to disclose a large amount of your plot. Just by reading your description, the reader could already tell that there was unrequited love and new love in your story. That made the first chapters of your story predictable, from the rejection to the sweet, lovey dovey moments.
Even the event, although you did keep it quite well under wraps, wasn’t a big surprise for me since the last line of your foreword stated clearly about an event that would ‘change everything’.
I suggest blurring the words out more, like not mincing it out word by word like what you did, “New love sprung from heartbreak.” You could also change the words you chose so that it wouldn’t sound so obvious on what you mean; like more on pain than on heartbreak. For example, “Nothing lasts forever… not even pain, and definitely not love.” (This is just a quickly thought out line, so don’t expect too much out of it.) While it isn’t an incredibly authentic idea, it would probably help you get a little of the mysterious vibe you’re trying to achieve… unless you’re telling me the first few chapters of your story about love isn’t important.
The title wasn’t special. I’m not even sure if it’s zesty or catchy. Besides, it wasn’t a totally original title (seeing as it’s a song title, and how in the world is that original?) It was one that would probably appeal to B1A4 fans though. I’ll give you that much.
I’m not even going to talk about the words in the title. Does it matter so much if the story is only for review or for reading purposes?
So this Thing Right Here...That's a Description and a Foreword...? You've Got to be Kidding Me!: ☠☠☠☠
Wow. Awesome Description you have there, a few lines.
I hope you could tell I was being utterly sarcastic.
While some stories get away with the mysterious vibe with only a few lines, most take a couple of lines before even getting a mite of the mysteriousness. And for you… maybe just a teeny little bit of suspense.
The plus point about your description is that it did manage to shed that little bit of mystery to your story, since you avoided mentioning names, the length was brief, and the accenting of words helped. Good!
The bad point is; it’s way too transparent.
In fact, in three lines, you managed to disclose a large amount of your plot. Just by reading your description, the reader could already tell that there was unrequited love and new love in your story. That made the first chapters of your story predictable, from the rejection to the sweet, lovey dovey moments.
Even the event, although you did keep it quite well under wraps, wasn’t a big surprise for me since the last line of your foreword stated clearly about an event that would ‘change everything’.
I suggest blurring the words out more, like not mincing it out word by word like what you did, “New love sprung from heartbreak.” You could also change the words you chose so that it wouldn’t sound so obvious on what you mean; like more on pain than on heartbreak. For example, “Nothing lasts forever… not even pain, and definitely not love.” (This is just a quickly thought out line, so don’t expect too much out of it.) While it isn’t an incredibly authentic idea, it would probably help you get a little of the mysterious vibe you’re trying to achieve… unless you’re telling me the first few chapters of your story about love isn’t important.
I'm Ready To Stab Your Characters Now: ☠☠☠
The good thing is that your characters stuck well to the personalities you created to them. Good! :)
Now the bad thing is…
YOU. ARE. MISSING. SO. MANY. DETAILS!!
Characters in a story are modeled after human behavior, no? Human themselves, if not terribly complex and confusing, have AT LEAST two or more personality complexes, don’t they? So why, if your characters are modeled after human beings, are they so simple?
On Je Gun: She was one of the better developed characters. You generally managed to brush across many of her reactions. GOOD! But I would have liked it if you could have elaborated so much more on her reactions and feelings…. An example you could have elaborated on is “I hugged him tight and softly laid my head on his broad back. I suddenly dozed off to sleep.” Seriously, I do remember less than a few seconds ago she was complaining about having to ride a bike with him. Some feelings should have transitioned between the changes of her attitude, and you should have put them in! Like, “I stared at his broad back in shock for a few seconds, shocked, while my arms instinctively tightened around his waist. I… he… he was so caring. He cared. I couldn’t help but smile as I lay my head against his back like he instructed. Hugging him like that, made me feel safe and loved.” There are other chances for you to elaborate so, please. But thank goodness you still managed to breeze through a bit of her thoughts even though it wasn’t very detailed! :D
On Jinyoung: He was a mystery. I don’t know what he was thinking for a large part of the story, but since I think you mean for the whole story to be in Je Gun’s point of view. But, it would have been better as a whole if you still managed to describe him and his feelings/reactions; despite the point of view. For example, "I hate myself, I shouldn't have made you cry." he gritted his teeth.” You could have elaborated more on his whole reaction, like, his voice was rough with guilt and sadness. He gritted his teeth as he cast his gaze on the floor in remorse. Something like that. But apart from this, I found that he was a rather… average character.
On Ji Won: Was she really such a shallow person? The classical snob with no particular complex. This made her a way too old school character. *sighs* If you must make her hate Ji Gun, I think it would be better if you go all out. I find her character development lacking in revenge. Instead of that little portion at the bottom of a chapter, you could exploit it more. Unless you want to keep her as a barely there character… which means you don’t plan to use her at all for the next chapters.
On Jung Hwan: His character is just there, but I get the feeling he will comeback in one of the later chapters so I am anticipating his comeback. As of now, my impression of him is a person who lost his common sense after falling in love, and yet he is a cheerful person. But all these are just words lifted from your story, so, no, your description and details aren’t there.
In short, all your characters are missing details which are potentially important to affect readers’ attention and emotions. But I think it was still there so I didn’t deduct a lot of marks.
The good thing is that your characters stuck well to the personalities you created to them. Good! :)
Now the bad thing is…
YOU. ARE. MISSING. SO. MANY. DETAILS!!
Characters in a story are modeled after human behavior, no? Human themselves, if not terribly complex and confusing, have AT LEAST two or more personality complexes, don’t they? So why, if your characters are modeled after human beings, are they so simple?
On Je Gun: She was one of the better developed characters. You generally managed to brush across many of her reactions. GOOD! But I would have liked it if you could have elaborated so much more on her reactions and feelings…. An example you could have elaborated on is “I hugged him tight and softly laid my head on his broad back. I suddenly dozed off to sleep.” Seriously, I do remember less than a few seconds ago she was complaining about having to ride a bike with him. Some feelings should have transitioned between the changes of her attitude, and you should have put them in! Like, “I stared at his broad back in shock for a few seconds, shocked, while my arms instinctively tightened around his waist. I… he… he was so caring. He cared. I couldn’t help but smile as I lay my head against his back like he instructed. Hugging him like that, made me feel safe and loved.” There are other chances for you to elaborate so, please. But thank goodness you still managed to breeze through a bit of her thoughts even though it wasn’t very detailed! :D
On Jinyoung: He was a mystery. I don’t know what he was thinking for a large part of the story, but since I think you mean for the whole story to be in Je Gun’s point of view. But, it would have been better as a whole if you still managed to describe him and his feelings/reactions; despite the point of view. For example, "I hate myself, I shouldn't have made you cry." he gritted his teeth.” You could have elaborated more on his whole reaction, like, his voice was rough with guilt and sadness. He gritted his teeth as he cast his gaze on the floor in remorse. Something like that. But apart from this, I found that he was a rather… average character.
On Ji Won: Was she really such a shallow person? The classical snob with no particular complex. This made her a way too old school character. *sighs* If you must make her hate Ji Gun, I think it would be better if you go all out. I find her character development lacking in revenge. Instead of that little portion at the bottom of a chapter, you could exploit it more. Unless you want to keep her as a barely there character… which means you don’t plan to use her at all for the next chapters.
On Jung Hwan: His character is just there, but I get the feeling he will comeback in one of the later chapters so I am anticipating his comeback. As of now, my impression of him is a person who lost his common sense after falling in love, and yet he is a cheerful person. But all these are just words lifted from your story, so, no, your description and details aren’t there.
In short, all your characters are missing details which are potentially important to affect readers’ attention and emotions. But I think it was still there so I didn’t deduct a lot of marks.
Are You Sure You Know What You're Doing?: ☠☠☠
Now, why do I get the impression that you merged two/three clique plotlines together to form your story? Plot Line one is the evil cousin rivalry, plot line two as the unrequited love and new love to get over heartbreak, and plot line three as the love triangle/rectangle… not to mention the new kid in school thingamajig.
Unfortunately, the end product wasn’t incredibly original either. :/
The plot was unrealistic in some parts, like, wow, she just managed to meet her old crush while crying from her newest heartbreak. And VERY clique in the parts she just happened to have no-one left to lean on, and the first time she cried in front of a guy, she had to get betrayed? I’m not even mentioning the part where the cousin had to hate her.
Some parts were choppy, like how the punishment was… a sprout dance? It was really cute, and I appreciated the photos you added, but there was no proper link which I would have preferred. Even one-line, “I realized, despite being angry at him, perhaps Jinyoung was incredibly cute too,” would have worked somewhat as a bridge.
The flow was a little bit fast for a story, but it would be acceptable if you added some sort of connectors between paragraphs and chapters. The pace, I can’t say I’m comfortable with it but I also can’t say that its incredibly fast. The only thing is that its sudden and it makes the story choppy, which makes it a little… hard to adapt to the change in scene.
The first chapter was also too sudden. You could either elaborate more… or find some way to make the starting more connected to the next chapter.
Your story, writing style was good. It kept my attention for most part despite it being a very clique story. I can’t say it is original, in fact the clique storyline nearly turned me off, but I liked how you wrote. Your writing style was clean and readable, awesome. :) However, while some details are explained okay in your story, some were missing points that were needed to elaborated, eg. I got pissed off and threw the phone’s battery away. I curled up at a corner and pulled my hair. You could have elaborated more, threw in more emotions that would no doubt affect the reader, like, “I got pissed off and threw the phone’s battery against the wall. It made a low thud but I felt no satisfaction in hearing it. My heart just felt so cold and empty. I curled up at a corner in an attempt to quench the pain but to no avail. I pulled my hair in frustration but again, my heart still burned in pain. I was angry, but I was also saddened. Why… why is it that I always end up alone?” \
Finally, your story, while wasn’t 100% predictable, it lacked twists. Jung Hwan was someone you made leave, I didn’t expect it, but as he was no longer emotionally attached to Je Gun, there was no large impact to the story. GongChan was a surprise, but he wasn’t a surprise enough to push your story out of the clique category.
Add more emotions, twists and details to spice up your story. Everything is clique, but what makes a story attractive is the writing style and details you the author throw in. (Details, can be anything ranging from colours to song lyrics.)
Now, why do I get the impression that you merged two/three clique plotlines together to form your story? Plot Line one is the evil cousin rivalry, plot line two as the unrequited love and new love to get over heartbreak, and plot line three as the love triangle/rectangle… not to mention the new kid in school thingamajig.
Unfortunately, the end product wasn’t incredibly original either. :/
The plot was unrealistic in some parts, like, wow, she just managed to meet her old crush while crying from her newest heartbreak. And VERY clique in the parts she just happened to have no-one left to lean on, and the first time she cried in front of a guy, she had to get betrayed? I’m not even mentioning the part where the cousin had to hate her.
Some parts were choppy, like how the punishment was… a sprout dance? It was really cute, and I appreciated the photos you added, but there was no proper link which I would have preferred. Even one-line, “I realized, despite being angry at him, perhaps Jinyoung was incredibly cute too,” would have worked somewhat as a bridge.
The flow was a little bit fast for a story, but it would be acceptable if you added some sort of connectors between paragraphs and chapters. The pace, I can’t say I’m comfortable with it but I also can’t say that its incredibly fast. The only thing is that its sudden and it makes the story choppy, which makes it a little… hard to adapt to the change in scene.
The first chapter was also too sudden. You could either elaborate more… or find some way to make the starting more connected to the next chapter.
Your story, writing style was good. It kept my attention for most part despite it being a very clique story. I can’t say it is original, in fact the clique storyline nearly turned me off, but I liked how you wrote. Your writing style was clean and readable, awesome. :) However, while some details are explained okay in your story, some were missing points that were needed to elaborated, eg. I got pissed off and threw the phone’s battery away. I curled up at a corner and pulled my hair. You could have elaborated more, threw in more emotions that would no doubt affect the reader, like, “I got pissed off and threw the phone’s battery against the wall. It made a low thud but I felt no satisfaction in hearing it. My heart just felt so cold and empty. I curled up at a corner in an attempt to quench the pain but to no avail. I pulled my hair in frustration but again, my heart still burned in pain. I was angry, but I was also saddened. Why… why is it that I always end up alone?” \
Finally, your story, while wasn’t 100% predictable, it lacked twists. Jung Hwan was someone you made leave, I didn’t expect it, but as he was no longer emotionally attached to Je Gun, there was no large impact to the story. GongChan was a surprise, but he wasn’t a surprise enough to push your story out of the clique category.
Add more emotions, twists and details to spice up your story. Everything is clique, but what makes a story attractive is the writing style and details you the author throw in. (Details, can be anything ranging from colours to song lyrics.)
Better Stay In School and Listen to your English professor:☠☠☠
Minor grammatical mistakes can be detected throughout the whole story, but it wasn’t very extreme. Eg. Days have (and not had) always been blunt and boring here in Yonsei University.
I suggest a proof-reader if you want the story be as close as possible to perfection for grammar. You also have some spelling errors (clenched, not cluntched).
But the most problematic is the sentence structure and wrong use of words. Sometimes you even miss words, like ‘she slammed my desk’. What does that mean? You should write it as ‘She slammed her hand on my desk.’ They are quite irking to see after a while and even though I’m not sure if it will bother many readers, do try to fix it. It affects imagery while reading your story, for one. Eg. I was in a deep thought as I stretched out for a paper and a pencil. I’m not sure if the word used should be stretched. But personally, I would rather prefer it to be reached since stretched just gives a mental image of yoga or gymnastics.
And I think ‘I was left there inside the room, having some precious time to myself.’ Sounds better than your previous sentence, ‘I was there left inside the room, having a precious time by myself.’
I’m not a proof-reader so I’ll stop here.
Either way, good grammar and well-structured sentences as well as vocabulary always lend a good impression to the reader.
I Can See Why You Like Writing Better Than Arts:☠☠
Your poster was good. I grudgingly say it works for this type of genre… except your title. I don’t see the connection between the poster and the story’s title, “Baby I’m Sorry”; but that’s just a small grudge. Your background was simple and not distracting, that’s good; it fits the story theme of angst, that’s good too… but it’s a little boring. XD
I liked how you tried to somehow present the story in a nice way. I liked the accenting, I liked the formatting, I liked it all. I appreciated the formatting and all, but do note that while I was perfectly okay with the font size, some readers may find it too small.
*YAAAWNNNN* Meter: ☠☠☠
Although I didn’t really find your plot line incredibly refreshing and your characters were a bit too shallow for my liking, it didn’t bore me. It didn’t exactly get me dying to find out what happens next but it left an impression deep enough for me to listen to the song… which is great, especially when I’m not even a fan of B1A4. Kudos!
One side note though, you left many things hanging without being resolved as you progressed to others, and I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing. (Translation: It can either be taken as frustration and cliffhangers used too often that it becomes… annoying, or healthy suspense.)
I’ve got only one thing to say about it… Are you going to delete the story, or are you going to update it? Make either answer clear really soon to your readers so they can either go read the next chapter, or start inventing endings themselves. -.- Your sort of leaving the story hanging? Not cool. In fact… new readers might be put off by the idea of reading a story with no ending.
VERDICT: ☠☠☠ /☠☠☠☠☠
Minor grammatical mistakes can be detected throughout the whole story, but it wasn’t very extreme. Eg. Days have (and not had) always been blunt and boring here in Yonsei University.
I suggest a proof-reader if you want the story be as close as possible to perfection for grammar. You also have some spelling errors (clenched, not cluntched).
But the most problematic is the sentence structure and wrong use of words. Sometimes you even miss words, like ‘she slammed my desk’. What does that mean? You should write it as ‘She slammed her hand on my desk.’ They are quite irking to see after a while and even though I’m not sure if it will bother many readers, do try to fix it. It affects imagery while reading your story, for one. Eg. I was in a deep thought as I stretched out for a paper and a pencil. I’m not sure if the word used should be stretched. But personally, I would rather prefer it to be reached since stretched just gives a mental image of yoga or gymnastics.
And I think ‘I was left there inside the room, having some precious time to myself.’ Sounds better than your previous sentence, ‘I was there left inside the room, having a precious time by myself.’
I’m not a proof-reader so I’ll stop here.
Either way, good grammar and well-structured sentences as well as vocabulary always lend a good impression to the reader.
I Can See Why You Like Writing Better Than Arts:☠☠
Your poster was good. I grudgingly say it works for this type of genre… except your title. I don’t see the connection between the poster and the story’s title, “Baby I’m Sorry”; but that’s just a small grudge. Your background was simple and not distracting, that’s good; it fits the story theme of angst, that’s good too… but it’s a little boring. XD
I liked how you tried to somehow present the story in a nice way. I liked the accenting, I liked the formatting, I liked it all. I appreciated the formatting and all, but do note that while I was perfectly okay with the font size, some readers may find it too small.
*YAAAWNNNN* Meter: ☠☠☠
Although I didn’t really find your plot line incredibly refreshing and your characters were a bit too shallow for my liking, it didn’t bore me. It didn’t exactly get me dying to find out what happens next but it left an impression deep enough for me to listen to the song… which is great, especially when I’m not even a fan of B1A4. Kudos!
One side note though, you left many things hanging without being resolved as you progressed to others, and I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing. (Translation: It can either be taken as frustration and cliffhangers used too often that it becomes… annoying, or healthy suspense.)
I’ve got only one thing to say about it… Are you going to delete the story, or are you going to update it? Make either answer clear really soon to your readers so they can either go read the next chapter, or start inventing endings themselves. -.- Your sort of leaving the story hanging? Not cool. In fact… new readers might be put off by the idea of reading a story with no ending.
VERDICT: ☠☠☠ /☠☠☠☠☠
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