Ripped: Unbroken String
☠I'll Rip Your Story to Bits.☠ Reviews && Fanfic Help [Closed]
Title: Unbroken String
Author: morningteaz
Reviewer: dubumints
Status: Picked-up and credited.
Your Story is Called What?!: ☠☠☠
The title, I admit, is interesting enough, but it has no zest, meaning, some potential readers may find it boring. Although I commend you on the fact that the title itself relates quickly to YongSeo.
The title, I admit, is interesting enough, but it has no zest, meaning, some potential readers may find it boring. Although I commend you on the fact that the title itself relates quickly to YongSeo.
So this Thing Right Here...That's a Description and a Foreword...? You've Got to be Kidding Me!: ☠☠☠
Honey, I'm not gonna lie. You can write. You really can. But everything gets ruined because of your grammar. It's come to the point that it was confusing already since I cannot comprehend anything. Just a warning: that can get annoying. By the way, the last message of Yonghwa in the description (Well I do feel all of those feelings,...) doesn't really create much of an impact. Consider changing it to make it more dramatic.
For your foreword, you have some sort of a character chart there which is always a big no-no. But you somehow managed to work your way through it and made it fit with the whole appearance of your fic. Kudos!
By the way, your quotes are good, but once again, they're ruined by bad grammar. >.<
One good thing is that your foreword is actually really interesting and it was quite captivating as I read along...so good job on that!
I'm Ready To Stab Your Characters Now: ☠
I love your characterization! I'm not even going to scold you on this part because you write in detail, which is exactly what I'm always looking for when I scrutinize this and the plot categories. Although of course, nothing is perfect, so I still have some mark-offs for you.
Take note of them.
1) Seohyun's character is weak when it comes to fighting back. Which is how most girls act whenever the mother of their boyfriends/husbands torment them...so really, that's quite cliche.
2) You actually gave no definite or clear reason why Samonim hates Seohyun. Was it because she's not rich enough? Not pretty enough? Plain? What?? Reason/s please!
3) How could it be that Yonghwa's father is good to Seo but is not doing anything to defend her against his wife? Surely, in Korean culture, whatever than man's word is, that's the law. Right? So if the dad says to the mom, don't touch her, she's your son's girl! Maybe, just maybe, he wouldn't seem like such an old sissy.
4) You should've mentioned on the earlier parts of the story that Seo works as Jonghyun's secretary. At least when you divulged that part when they all meet again, Jonghyun won't look like he's lying.
5) Max's character is still vague, but I think you would be introducing him more in the later chapters, yes?
Are You Sure You Know What You're Doing?: ☠☠☠
The plot is pretty cliche. Guy and girl falls in love, becomes a couple, then guy gets an amnesia and forgets the girl entirely...
Yeah, we've all heard about it.
However, I like how you write and yes, it's quite dramatic and interesting enough for me to actually continue reading your story even though I do not really ship those two.
But since I already told you that your plot is cliche, I am so hoping that you would be adding a lot of twists and surprises all throughout to keep your readers rapt. Okay?
By the way, good job on Sammonim dying. I was totally not expecting that. Although I would've loved to know how she would trip on her own two feet now (if you decided not to kill her though) that Seo is a top model and is rich. Lol.
Oh, and Yonghwa sure acts like he isn't married. Try to tone it down a little on how he treats Seo. Progress it little by little so as to keep things believable.
I also read in your author's notes at the bottom of the chapter that you think your pacing was slow? Well no, I don't think it is. I think it's going just right so just continue that.
Better Stay In School and Listen to that English Prof: ☠☠☠☠
This will be my complain corner for your whole review.
Ready?
Your grammar is frustrating!
And if I go and correct every single mistake you have from your foreword to your chapter, you'd have a very long chapter in your hands.
But since I'm not a proofreader and only a reviewer, I will just point them out generally.
All your chapters contains the following:
*wrong grammar
*wrong tenses
*wrong punctuations/sentence breaks
*wrong sentence structures.
Rare are your wrong spellings, but you still need to correct them.
There's too much mistakes that some sentences are already unexplainable.
Some corrections:
*Oppa is not appropriate for husband-wife relationships. Most couples switch to Yobo as their petname once they get married.
*In chapter three, you've already mentioned the line: he owes her a lot...too much. Try to avoid repetitions.
*It's antics, not antiques. Antiques are old things, vintage stuffs, etc.
[Chapter 4 mistakes]
*It's not with all do respect but with all due respect.
*change heartily laugh to hearty laugh.
You have a loooooot more mistakes. I suggest running everything in MS Word or better yet, get a proofreader.
Some readers will actually quit reading a story once the grammar becomes a bit too much of a headache.
I Can See Why You Like Writing Better Than Arts: ☠☠
Great poster and background! It suits the genre very well!
In chapter three, I can see that you've decided to place in the quotations that you have in your description, and that's not a bad thing. But for Ontokki's sake! Please remove the names of the persons who spoke the quotes after placing them in.
You've done this:
"Tell me.. Why those eyes of yours felt so familiar." - Jung Yong Hwa. -
In chapter three, I can see that you've decided to place in the quotations that you have in your description, and that's not a bad thing. But for Ontokki's sake! Please remove the names of the persons who spoke the quotes after placing them in.
You've done this:
"Tell me.. Why those eyes of yours felt so familiar." - Jung Yong Hwa. -
and that's positively awkward to look at.
It would be better to do it like this:
"Tell me... Why those eyes of yours felt so familiar."
The readers get it, okay? they ge that it came from the foreword and they get who's saying/thinking them.
*YAAAWNNNN* Meter: ☠☠
It didn't really bore me considering I'm not a YongSeo shipper, but it was the type of story that I didn't read continuously. So maybe you can lay off the drama sometimes and put in some comedy or something. Just a suggestion. ;D
VERDICT: ☠☠☠/☠☠☠☠☠
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