I wake up feeling extra weight on my legs and as I struggle to free them, I hear giggling. I can't help the smile that creeps across my face. I sit up, looking down at my little brother. He has his chin in his hands as he sprawls out across my legs.

"Morning Li.”

I groan playfully, wiggling my legs to free them as I rub the sleep from my eyes. "Morning bud.'" I smile down at him.

"Watching doing?"

I chuckle and shrug nonchalantly. "Oh you know...sleeping."

He erupts into a fit of giggles as he collapses on my bed. "So what can I do for you at..." I glance at my phone for the time. "...six forty-five in the morning?"

"I was just wondering if you could take me to school?" He sweeps his bangs from his face. His Spongebob Pajamas falling off his shoulders, the size a little big for his body. It's his favorite though so he doesn't mind it.

"Yeah sure thing bud, go get ready."

He cheers and jumps off the bed. Tumbling towards the ground, he groans a little in pain and says he's okay before I can ask. I laugh and grab my phone. I don't know what possesses me, but I text Jisoo. I lean over to place my phone back on the dresser when it buzzes. I smile a bit when I see Jisoo's name pop up.

I didn't expect such a quick reply seeing as it's so early in the morning. I smirk at her response to my simple 'morning'.

'To what do I owe this pleasure at the cusp of dawn?'

'I'm taking my little brother to school do you maybe want to meet for some coffee?'

'Yeah sure.'

'No poetic response to that one?'

'I save 'em for when the count. See you later.'

I toss my phone to the side and get ready. I'm feeling a bit anxious for some reason. I'm not sure if it's because I'm counting down the days until dinner with the Kim's on Friday or if it's because I'm about to see Jisoo in a bit, but it's a little unsettling and I'm not entirely sure if it's a good or bad thing yet.

I head down to the kitchen and find my mother already in there.

"Do you ever leave the kitchen?" I ask with a laugh as I kiss my mother on the cheek and grab orange juice out of the fridge. My mother gives me a cheeky smile as she sips her coffee.

"No mother of a seven-year old boy does?" She winks at me and I shake my head as I take a seat on one of the stools at the island.

"Luke wanted me to take him to school today and I'm meeting a...I mean I have a coffee d...I'll just be out for the morning." I rush out quickly.

I avert my eyes from my mother. She's looking at me and I'm a second away from squirming. I don't know what to tell her. I'm not trying to lie or anything, I just don't know what to call this thing I'm doing with Jisoo. Is she a friend? She's referenced me as such and I hers, but lately there's been this weird 'are we interested in each other' tango between us and she's been leading while I'm tripping all over my feet. I finally look up to my mother and she's hiding a smirk behind her cup. I just roll my eyes as my little brother comes into kitchen and saves me.

"Hey mom!"

I watch as he rushes to her and how she easily embraces his little body while still holding her cup of coffee, not letting one drop of it spill from her cup. She bends down and they disappear behind the counter. I hear whispers and I push myself up to get a better look of what's going on. Luke shush my mother and she smirks. What's happening right now? They see me trying to eavesdrop and they both give me the same look causing me to slip back into my chair. Seconds later my mother pops back up to sip her coffee again.

"Li I'm just gonna eat and then we can go, okay?"

"Whatever you say boss." I wink at him and he blushes as he grabs a step stool to get a box of cereal. My mother is staring at me and I look at her and grunt causing her to toss her hands up in the air.

"Will you be joining us for a meal tonight?"

I sigh because I have been avoiding dinners. I've been home for a few weeks and I've used every excuse in the book to not eat dinner with my family. I feel like if I do then it'll be harder for me when it's time to go. Everyone at arm's length, it's best for everyone. It's hard to miss someone when they're gone when they were never really around in the first place. I bite my lip as I try to make up another excuse and nothing comes. My mother is looking at me in that way that's asking me to say yes. So I do and she smiles.

I get up from the table and ruffle my brother's hair. He groans. I think I just ruined his style. "I'll be in the car, come out whenever you're ready." I tell Luke as I grab my keys off the counter and head out. "Seven-thirty, Lisa!" I hear my mom yell as I head out the door. Of course I already know what time dinner is. It's been the same time since I was a kid.

–

"So was there a particular reason you wanted me to bring you to school today, buddy?" I turn to my brother and question as I drive him to school.

"No." He shrugs. "Not really." I narrow my eyes at him. His mouth is saying one thing but his face is saying another.

"Luke?" I say in a warning tone. He knows that he can tell me anything. I glance at him as he tries not to look at me. "Lucas." I give him a stern look as I alternate between him and the road.

"Okay, okay." He sighs, glancing at me briefly. "Theresthisgirlilikeandmomsalwayscrampingmystyle." He says in a rushed tone. Yeah, I didn't catch any of that.

"In English, Luke."

"There's this girl I like and moms always kissing my cheek when she drops me off. It's embarrassing." He whines and I can't help but chuckle at him.

"Why don't you just say something to mom then, bud?" I question my little brother, still chuckling.

"Because I don't want to hurt her feelings." He says in a tone that causes me to look at him. He's playing with his fingers and avoiding eye contact.

"Luke?" I say in a questioning tone. Any other seven-year old probably wouldn't have gotten what I was asking but I know Luke does. I pull over, putting the car in park. "Luke what is it buddy?"

"She's sad all the time Lisa. Even since you left she's been sad. She cries sometimes you know." He says, finally looking at me. "She goes into your room and she just cries. She thinks I can't hear her but I do. She thinks I was too young to remember how bad things were when you first left. She wasn't okay Lisa and I'm scared."

"Scared of what bud?" I ask, concerned laced in my voice.

"That she's not going to be okay when you leave this time."

"Who says-"

"I heard you and mom talking before. She said that if you didn't tell me she would. I figured it out."

"You're a pretty smart kid, you know that?" I question, ruffling his hair again with a smile.

"Li." He whines, pulling down the sun visor to fix his hair.

"Sorry." I chuckle at him. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner that I was leaving again."

"It's okay." He shrugs. "I figured you weren't staying. You don't like us much anyways."

"No Lucas that's not it at all." I unbuckle my seat belt so I can face him completely. "I promise you that's not it. It's just hard you know. Being back here again. I feel..."

"Sad?" He asks, his little eyes staring up at me.

"Yeah." I nod, forcing a smile. "I feel sad and a whole mess of other things when I'm here. But it has nothing to do with my like for you guys. I love you Luke. You, mom and dad. I love you all so much and I promise when I get myself together I'm gonna come back here and things will be normal again."

"What's normal?" He asks with a smile.

"I love you kid." I lift my hand to ruffle his hair but his eyes go wide and I contain myself, mumbling a sorry. It's a habit.

"I love you too, Li." He smiles, unbuckling his seat belt to climb over the seat and hug me. I smile as he wraps his tiny arms around my neck.

"Okay then, enough of this emotional stuff." I joke as he sits back down in his seat, buckling his seat belt. "Let's get you to school."

"How mad do you think mom would be if I hung out with you today instead?" I give him a look and he nods. "Yeah I figured." I smile as I put the car in drive and pull off.

I stretch my hand up as I notice Jisoo walk into the small coffee shop. She gives a slight wave once she spots me and ducks her head down. I think she's trying to hide the larger smile that appeared on her face. I'm glad she does because she misses mine. I use my mother's trick from earlier and use my coffee cup to hide my glee. I sip slowly as she sits and rests her things on her chair.

"Good morning."

"Morning." And there it is, awkward silence. Yeah I'm going to need you to go, I'm awkward enough as it is. Jisoo places both hands on the table and laces her fingers together.

"So what's good here?"

I nod my head towards the glass display. "They have really great brownies, blueberry muffins are my favorite, and the cappuccino is pretty amazing."

She nods once and gets up without a word. I watch as she patiently waits in line and I take a moment to gather myself. I don't know why I need to gather myself. I didn't know I was falling apart. I didn't know there was still more of me to fall apart. I get lost in my own thoughts, the scuffing of Jisoo's chair across the floor brings me back and I see her placing a blueberry muffin in front of me. I my lips as I try to hide the second smile she's forced to my lips this morning.

"So that's two meals you owe me." She says as she sits in her seat and shakes a packet of brown sugar to pour in her cappuccino. She took all of my suggestions and I laugh as she breaks a piece of her brownie off.

"So you just take a chance on everything then?" I ask while I pop my eyebrows up once and she closes her eyes as she savors the chocolaty brownie. She moans a little and I can't help the gulp I take. I look around to see if anyone else notices how much Jisoo is enjoying the brownie and I'm the only one taken by her. She finally opens her eyes and looks at me. The brown in her eyes so warm and inviting. I feel myself relax a little and it's as if her eyes are slowly soothing aches that I've felt for years. She doesn't take her gaze away from mine as she answers me.

"Only on things that are worth it." I say nothing to that and she hold the silence, letting the honesty of her words filter into my mind...into my heart. She takes another bite of her brownie and this time I look away because I could barely handle watching the first time she did it. There's something wrong with me. "So how are you?"

I look at her and she doesn't have that look when people ask me that question. That look that people give you whenever something tragic happens in your life, their eyes give you this look of pity. Sometimes it's a little watery as if the sheer sight of you makes them want to cry. But no, not Jisoo. She's looking at me like she just wants to know how I'm doing and I'm grateful that she's looking at me like...I'm normal.

I shrug and take a sip of my coffee. "I'm fine." There's no hidden meaning behind that because honestly I'm fine. She does it again, looking at me like I'm normal because whenever I make that my answer people raise their brows as if they're expecting me to give them a whole outline of how I don't really sleep at night. Or how I have nightmares, or condemn myself on the things I had no control over but somehow swear that I did. She just smiles and moves the conversation on.

I peel the wrapper from my blueberry muffin and take a piece off and politely place it into my mouth.

"How is your favorite muffin?" She asks with honest curiosity.

"Still my favorite." My mouth half full and she points to it silently asking for a piece. I don't normally share my muffin with just anyone but for her I'll make an exception and I seem to do that a lot. Make exceptions for her. I don't know why that is. I don't know much when it comes to her, I should probably start trying to make sense of that.

Her response is the same as when she ate the brownie and I can't help but stare again. I don't know how someone makes eating a muffin or brownie so damn enticing but she's doing a bang up job.

"What's the verdict?" I redundantly ask because it's clear that it's delicious. She's the crumbs from her thumb and nods in affirmation. She takes a sip of her cappuccino and a bit of foam stays at the corner of . I try to gesture towards it without causing too much embarrassment. She keeps just missing it and asks me to get it. I choke on air and quickly catch my breath.

"Are you okay?"

I gasp a little. "Yeah, yeah. I'm cool."

I'm not though. I'm really not. That was so bad. Who chokes on air like that? I look at her and still see the foam at the corner of . I reach my hand across the table and wipe it away for her with my thumb and accidentally brush over her bottom lip. I stop my hand midair at how natural the motion felt for me. She mumbles out a thank you and I just nod dropping my hand into my lap. I order them to stay and look back up the brunette .

"This place is really great Lisa. I don't know how I've never been here before. I'm always looking for cozy coffee shops to just sit and write in."

"That's very Hemmingway of you."

shoots out into a large smile and I can tell she's extremely flattered by the comparison.

"Yeah he's one of my favorites. So you do read!"

I laugh out loud at our ongoing joke, and I notice that I'm building a lot of ongoing things with this girl. The jokes, the quip on taking a chance on things, the running into her at different places, and I can't help but wonder if I'll be able to keep her at arms length.

"It took me a while to get to the big words but I manage. Yeah I like Hemmingway, during one of my leaves when I didn't come home I went to Paris and hung out in Shakespeare and Co. all day. It was surreal. I'm by no means a writer but I can only imagine what it would feel like for one to be where the greats once hung out."

She looks at me with amazement and I quickly get uncomfortable. I look away nervously and she just picks up where I left off.

"I can't even fathom the emotional overload I would have if I ever did that. I can practice here maybe." She chuckles at her corny joke and I smile softly at her. I don't remember smiling this much in a long time. At least not smiling without forcing it. "So how did you find out about this place?"

I look down for a second and turn in my seat a little to point to a corner booth. "Rose, Jiwon and I used to come here every morning before going to school once Jiwon got his license. We felt so grown up grabbing coffee before class. Jiwon couldn't stand the taste of coffee though and always ended up getting hot chocolate."

I see the three of us collapsing into seats that are already occupied by customers that are physically here but the memory is too real to recognize their existence. I only see the three of us as I reminisce and retell Jisoo memories of my friends that I haven't had the strength to retell myself.

"Rose would always make fun of him for that. He'd get so mad though. She always ordered the most obnoxious drink and get mad if the barista messed it up. It got to the point where she had a designated barista because everyone else was too scared of her." I laugh and I can see Jisoo smiling in the corner of my eye. "She'd order a large mocha coffee with no sugar, no whipped cream, extra dry, with half skim, half full milk. No I don't want 2% milk, just a mixture of the both. And raspberry syrup, mix with the milk, then the coffee."

I recite the order the way Rose would and I picture the way she moans after taking her first sip. Jisoo's moans don't sound like Rose's but the feeling I get when I hear them feel familiar but different at the same time. That makes no sense.

I sigh as I force myself to swallow the lump that forms in my throat. I turn back to fully face Jisoo and she's looking at me in the same way she's always looking at me. Like someone that wants to get to know me and not just about how I'm doing for the time being. I wipe away a small tear that tries to become something more.

"Thanks for sharing that with me." She says sweetly.

"It's not a big deal." I answer and before I can even contradict myself she does it for me.

"Yeah...it is."

We sit silently for a minute and despite the emotional mood shift I feel comfortable. I look at the time and notice the crowd dying down a bit.

"Don't you have class or something?" I try my best to ask in the least abrasive way because I am enjoying her company. I'm just curious as to how she's able to do nothing with me.

"I graduated school a semester early, and I'm just taking some time to write."

"Plus you wouldn't be able to stalk me with a full course load."

She lifts her hand up as if she just remembered the most important detail. "Exactly, now you get it."

"How are you not sleeping in all the time though? I try, but Luke always manages to wake me up."

We share a quick chuckle at the antics of my younger sibling and finish my drink as she answers.

"I'm always up early, I go and sit at my spot every morning at dawn and watch the sunrise. Jin and I used to always catch the best waves in the morning. We'd wake up before our parents and head towards the beach, wetsuits half on, flip-flops smacking against our feet as we ran to beat the sun so we can surf into the orange that hits the blue. So yeah I was already up."

I'm not entirely sure if she only shared that with me because I shared my coffee shop story but I'm happy that she's giving and not just pushing to know everything at one time. I think that's why I'm so comfortable. She's not forcing me to be or do anything when she wants it. I'm appreciative of that.

"So have you found your spot yet?" She asks in the most carefree way, like she just asked for the time. I don't hyperventilate at the question though like I expect I would. I just shake my head no.

"I really haven't thought about it. I do want to look though."

"Well I can reschedule my stalking for today and help if you want me to."

I think and realize I have nothing to do all day anyway. Just pick Luke up from school later on in the afternoon. I also don't know if I can go home yet. I'm not sure I can face my mother yet after learning what I learned this morning. I want to be strong for her and let her know I'm okay but I don't want to pretend that I am. She needs me not to pretend anymore. So I make the choice to go find my spot with Jisoo in hopes that it will create some form of closure, for me and for my family.

"Yeah, let's do it!" I answer a lot more enthusiastically than I thought I would. It catches both Jisoo and I off guard. She smiles brightly at me and eats the last of her brownie.

"Let's go." I easily follow her out of the coffee shop and head into the day with a perspective that I haven't had in a long time. Before I fully exit the shop though I look back at our booth and smile softly. It's not sad nor is it happy and for right now, a mixture of both is better than one over the other.