"Hi." I breathe out, my voice weak but I know she hears me.

I just stand in the doorway staring at the Mrs. Park. Her bottom lip is quivering as I scan her face to try and read the situation. The sound of my breath the only thing that echoes through my ears and before I know it I'm pulled into a tight hug.

"Lisa! My beautiful girl. It's so good to have you home." I smile into her shoulder as I wrap my arms around Mrs. Park. We stand there for a long time as she just squeezes tightly. I let her get it out as I try to match the strength of her embrace.

She pats my back and I know she's done with the first hug. She steps back, letting me go.

"Are you hungry? I can fix you something real quick." She asks as we walk further into the house. I look around at the same pictures of Rose that I passed by everyday when I came to see her and hang out. Her face is everywhere and my heart aches a little. How Mrs. Park passes these every day and manages to smile amazes me.

"No thank you." I reply softly. "I just ate."

She turns to a scans my body. I sigh and grin. I know she's not going to let up that easily.

"You're wasting away, they can't be feeding you well, you're a growing girl. I'll fry you up some Kimchi pancakes at least for you to munch on while we talk."

I press my very full belly and whimper a bit. I mumble out an okay and follow her into the kitchen. She points to a seat at the kitchen table and I silently oblige. I take what used to be my usual seat and scoot it under the table. I look at the empty one next to me and place my hand on the cushion. I run my hand smoothly over the fabric and sigh. It's Rose's seat. I'm not sure who the last person was to sit in it but to me it will always be hers.

I look at Mrs. Park as she digs into the fridge. "Mrs. Park, you don't have to honestly." I tell her sweetly and get up from my seat. I swiftly rush to her side and guide her out from the fridge. I place my hand on her lower back and she backs out with a ton of things in her hands. "That's not only Kimchi pancakes." I tease and she comes out with all the other ingredients. I shake my head and look at her. She turns to place everything on the counter. I make sure to move out of the way, she's on a mission but I wish she weren't I just want to sit with her and as bad as it sounds get this over with.

"Listen to me." I say with a light laugh. "I'm not hungry. I came to see you. Now you come sit with me and stop fiddling with all this food. I'll come back another time for dinner."

I think I said what she needed to hear. I think the food is to keep me here longer in case I don't come back. I think though if I can get through this, this one time, the next time won't be so hard. She grabs my face and kisses me on the cheek. I lightly pat her shoulder and her towards the table. She sits in the seat that I know to be hers and I take mine. I grab her hands and look her in the eyes.

"I'm sorry I took so long to see you..."

She shakes her head. "Don't apologize. I know this has been as hard on you as it has on me."

"I should have come sooner though." She shushes me, waving me off.

"I'm just glad you came at all." A small smile appears at her lips. "I've really missed you around here. It's been so quiet without the three of you running up and down the stairs to grab food, or Jiwon chasing Rose around for something she called him." We both chuckle at the memory and sigh out of our laughter soon after.

"So how are you?" I ask after a moment. I don't have to clarify any further than that; she knows exactly what I'm asking.

"I've been hanging in there. It's always hard around this time. Jiwon's parents and your mom and dad always stop in and we have dinner or something. Mr. Kim and I probably wouldn't make it without them."

Why has my mom never told me about hanging out with the Park's and Kim's on the anniversary?

"I'm sorry that I—"

"Enough." She cuts me off. "Stop apologizing. I know that if you could be here you would."

"I just feel like I should have been around more. I should have made more of an effort to see you and Mr. Kim."

"You listen to me, feeling sorry and not doing anything does nothing for no one, because you came to see me you're already doing so much."

I don't mean to but I cry. I let my head down and I cry because for one this isn't supposed to happen. I'm not supposed to be crying especially not in front of her. I try to pull my hands away from hers and she grips tighter. She pulls me into a hug and I cry harder. This is the worst. I'm not supposed to be crying in front of a parent who lost their kid. I'm not supposed to be the one needing consoling when I haven't lost as much as she has.

"I'm so sorry M..." I choke out through the tears. She shushes me.

"I miss her every day but I grieved for my daughter so I can miss her properly instead of blame everything there could be to blame. That's not honoring her memory at all. When have you given yourself a chance to grieve?"

She lets me go to look into my tear filled eyes and I don't have to answer. She knows the answer and so do I. I've been running this whole time. I lean back in my seat and she gets up to grab me something to clean up my face. I sniffle and wipe my nose. I shake my head at the situation, this wasn't how things were supposed to go. I gather myself together and try to talk without bursting into a fit of tears. She comes back with a damp washcloth and I hold it against my eyes and attempt to control my breathing.

I don't talk right away. Mostly because I don't know what to say even if I did, how exactly do I say it? There's just so much I don't know how to do and I feel like I'm the only one putting pressure on myself to do it. Everyone else is just waiting for me to be and I feel like everything I do is inadequate. I come home but I'm distancing myself. I'm only here for a short while, I come to visit the parent of my friend for it to be some sort of resolve for someone and I end up being the one to break down. I start something with a person and I don't even know what it is. It's not even fair to her especially since she's been nothing but supportive even though she's gone through so much herself. I don't even ever ask her how she's doing. I'm so wrapped up in how I feel or don't feel that I completely disregard what everyone else is feeling.

I face Rose's mother and try to not to break under the gaze. I'm not sure what she expected when she saw me but I'm sure this isn't it. I shift in my seat and she's just smiling at me. I just breathe out a laugh at how this all turned out.

"It's good to see you Lisa."

I blush lightly at the softness of her voice. "You too. " I reply softly and she pats my shoulder.

"So tell me how you've been, how's everything going?"

She's asking me like Jisoo asks me and I'm momentarily brought back to the brunette sitting on the hood of my car. I always seem to space when she floats into my mind. I'm usually very well focused but she's like my defibrillator. Jolting back emotions that I haven't felt since the person that sat in the seat next to mine was here.

I fall into conversation with her. Talk about all the traveling I've done and how long I've been home. I don't mean to but I end up mentioning Jisoo. Like I said she's been on my mind and I can't really help it.

"So this girl, where is she now?" She asks in a sassy tone but not in a mean way, in a way Rose would ask.

I whimper because I don't even talk to my mom about this stuff, even though it's a heck of a lot easier to talk to someone other than my mother. I look everywhere that's not her and I know that she's waiting. The silence is killing me.

"She outside, waiting." I say softly. Mrs. Park smiles, narrowing her eyes at me.

"You like this young lady?" She questions, moving her head, forcing me to meet her gaze.

"I'm not sure." I shrug. "I think I might." I sigh, finally getting that off my chest feels good. Although I have only known Jisoo a few weeks it still feels like something could happen, like something should happen. Things are so easy around Jisoo. I feel... I feel like I can tell her anything and I know she would get what I'm feeling. She doesn't poke or prod me for information. She lets me come to things in my own time and she's been super amazing at just being there when I need her.

"It seems like you may know a little more than you're allowing yourself to think." Mrs. Park smiles, standing up from the table.

"I'm not gonna be here long." I shrug as she motions for me to join her in the living room. As we take a seat on the couch I flashback to the many times Jiwon, Rose and I got in trouble for crawling and jumping on and over it. Mrs. Park would yell at us to sit down but we never listened. She'd smile, playfully threatening us before continuing her prior task.

"Have you told the young lady this?" I shake my head . A small smile plays at her lips, she looks as though she's in thought for a moment before she drops her gaze back to me. "Life is short Lisa. We of all people know this. Sometimes things that don't make sense can be the best things for us. It's better to tell people how you feel about them while you have the chance, you never know if you'll get to do it again." I narrow my eyes. I don't know why I feel like there is some sort of sub text behind her statement.

"I don't..." I pause shaking my head.

She cuts in before I can continue. "While you have the chance Lisa." She nods, placing a hand on my shoulder.

"Mrs. Park?" I say in an almost pleading tone. I feel like she's trying to tell me something right now.

She closes her eyes for a moment, sighing as she opens them back up. "Lisa." She says my name in a way that sends shivers down my spine. I feel like she's about to tell me the biggest secret anyone has ever told me. The soft smile that was on her lips disappears. "I never told you this because I knew that you were already going through so much with losing them and your mom told me that you blamed yourself and—"

"Mrs. Park, please." I beg her to stop beating around the bush. I need to know whatever she's about to say and I need to know it now. The look on her face tells me that she knows what I'm asking.

"Rose cared for you, Lisa." The soft smile reappears, as I stare at her intently.

"I know, and I cared—'

"No." Mrs. Park stops me, shaking her head. "She felt more for you than just friendship love." She says a little slower making sure I get it.

"No." I shake my head. This can't be right. Rose would have.... "She would have said something."

"She wanted to." Mrs. Park nods. "She was going to."

I stand up from the couch, continuing to shake my head. "No."

"I wasn't going to tell you Lisa, but I thought you deserved to know. I wasn't trying to—"

"No." I drop back to the couch. The realization that everything Mrs. Park is saying right now makes sense. Is this why she didn't know what to say to Jiwon at the party?

"Before she went into surgery she told me—"

"Don't—" I beg Mrs. Park not to say what I know she's about to say.

"She told me that at the party she called to you and you kept walking. She said—"

"No." I cut her off again. No and don't are apparently the only two words in my vocabulary at the moment.

"She said that she was going to tell you then, she was gonna tell you that she didn't like Jiwon, she couldn't like him because she was in love with you." Suddenly I'm finding it hard to breathe. I can't form coherent thoughts, let alone figure out something to say to Mrs. Park right now. "Lisa, she was always in love with you. She told me years ago."

"She never... I didn't... she..." See, nothing.

"I'm not trying to peel off old scabs Lisa, I'm just trying to show you that life is short and sometimes you just have to dive in head first even if you're not entirely sure how deep the water is." My brain is too fried right now to even try to understand exactly what Mrs. Park is trying to tell me.

"I need to go." I stand up quickly from the couch. I can't be here. Not in this house. Too many memories.

"Lisa I-"

"It was really good to see you, Mrs. Park." I hug her quickly and head towards the door before she can protest any further. I just need to go. This isn't exactly how I expected to leave things with Mrs. Park. I guess I expected some sort of closure, instead I got new wounds.

"How'd it go?" Jisoo asks as I make my way to the car. Usually the smile she's sporting right now would be contagious, but I can't smile right now. I can't smile at her... at anyone. I was wrong. I was stupid. The person I heard shout my name that night was Rose. She was shouting to tell me to wait... to wait because she felt the same way as me. She didn't love him, she loved me. But I left. I let my anger and jealousy cloud my judgment and I got my friends killed because of it.

"I need to get home." I tell her simply in a monotone voice.

"Lisa is everything okay?" She asks confusion evident in her tone. No Jisoo... right now nothing is okay.

"I forgot I had something to do later, that's all." I try to keep my face as neutral as possible because all I wanna do right now is curl up in a ball and die. Here I am doing this thing with Jisoo... falling for her while all along Rose actually...

I shake the thoughts from my head.

"Lisa did you want to talk about what—"

"No." I cut her off, cranking up the car. "I'm just gonna take you home." I turn to look at her. My heart almost breaks in two. I know that my behavior right now is a bit erratic but so are my thoughts and feelings at the moment. "Did you want me to take you somewhere else?" I question.

"No." She shakes her head. "Home is good." She turns forward in her seat, buckling her seat belt. I feel bad because I know that I've probably hurt her feelings. She doesn't know what Rose's mom told me in there. She has no clue what's going on in my head and I feel like she's been so amazing that she deserves an explanation. Maybe I'll give her one... but it can't be now, no now I have somewhere to be. I put the car in drive and head towards Jisoo's.

–

It didn't take me long to get here after dropping Jisoo off, even though this is almost on the other side of town. I shake the thoughts of Jisoo out of my head as I make my way up the trail. My heart aches with each step. I balance myself on a tree momentarily, trying to slow down my breathing. This isn't how it was supposed to be. But then again, nothing really is.

After regaining my composure I continue back on my path, stomping up the trail now.

I'm mad.

No I'm pissed; pissed at myself and "Pissed at you!" I shout once I reach our spot. "Why didn't you tell me? You could have just told me Rose. Why didn't you tell me?!" I shout as I feel a stinging in my eyes and a pang in my chest. "What were you afraid of?! I loved you too!" I shake my head as the tears fall freely now. "I loved you so much!" I add, falling on my knees. "I loved you and I was afraid that you didn't feel the same way so I never told you. I was a coward and now you're gone. You're gone and I can't tell you. I can't tell you how mad I am at you for being a coward too! You were supposed to be the strong one, the fearless one! But no! You were a coward just like me!" I drop my head into my hands as I sob freely. "Why didn't you tell me?" I whisper as I feel a hand on my back. I jump, looking to see who it is.

"Sorry." Jisoo holds her hands up.

"Jisoo! What are you doing here?!" I question, picking myself up from the ground, wiping away the fallen tears. "Did you follow me?" I ask a bit more abrasive than intended.

"No." She shakes her head, not taking offense to the tone of my voice. "I promise I didn't. I figured you were coming here." She shrugs. "I wasn't try to—"

"Did you hear any of that?" I straighten out my clothes, using my shirt to clean my face.

"Bad habit." She says pointing to my shirt. "I heard a little." She nods stepping back a little as she fiddles with her hands. "I wasn't trying to eavesdrop it's just you were shouting and I came up here to make sure you were okay, but I didn't mean to like listen to anything or be in your business I honestly just wanted to—"

"It doesn't matter anyways." I pop my shoulders up once, sitting down on a boulder. If I didn't cut her off she would have rambled forever.

"What do you mean?" She comes and sits on a nearby boulder.

"She's gone." I start, feeling the tears building again. Gosh! I'm so sick of crying.

"Yeah but that doesn't mean she isn't listening." I sigh as another wave of tears fall. Please God, just stop this. "You're angry with her?" I turn to look at her, nodding. "Why?" She curls up Indian style on a boulder, waiting for my reply.

I shrug, avoiding her gaze as I wipe my face. No matter how much I wipe, the tears continue to fall. "For leaving me." I finally get out.

"I understand." She nods. "I was mad at Jin for months. But then I realized that being mad at him wouldn't bring him back; nothing would. I had to move past it. To forgive him for going and understand that maybe just maybe that better place that people speak of does exist and he's there... surfing an endless wave, watching over me." A small smile appears at her lips and I fight the urge to cry even harder. No matter what this girl has been through she always seems to find the right words. "You have to forgive her. It's the only way you can start to move forward." Jisoo stands up from her boulder, walking over to me and kneeling down in front of me. "Tell her that you forgive her." She says grabbing my hands. I try halfheartedly to pull them away because I know another wave of tears will come soon and I'll need my hands to wipe them away.

"But I don't." I shake my head. Cause right now, with this new information I'm still pissed at her.

"Then tell her that. Tell her that so you can move towards forgiveness."

I shake my head, closing my eyes. I don't know if I'm ready for this. "I can't" I say weakly.

"You can." She nods, releasing one of my hands to lift my face to look at her. "You can do this, Lisa."

I sharply intake a breath trying to calm myself. I need to stop crying. I need to slow down my breathing to calm my racing heart. I stand up from my boulder with Jisoo's help. I wipe the tears away, pulling together the courage to say what needs to be said. I know that I can't move forward until I face this. I was already having trouble before and now that Mrs. Park has put all this new information in my head I'm in some sort of information overload. I need to get it all out.

"I'm so mad at you." I say softly to the wind as Jisoo steps back, giving me some space. "You left me. You left me to be here without you. Both of you!" I shout, including Jiwon in this conversation because even though everything I'm feeling right now is based on the bombshell Mrs. Park just dropped on me, I'm mad at him too. "Did you ever think of how I wouldn't be able to live without the both of you? Your parents? You were so incredibly stupid!" I drop my head, choosing my next words carefully. "You should have just told me how you felt. Maybe if you did both of you would still be here. How could you not know I was in love with you Rose. How easy it was to love you." I see Jisoo from the corner of my eye as she drops her head, trying not to hear this part. "I loved you from the moment I met you." I say softly, smiling a little at the memory of first meeting her. "But you're gone and I don't get to tell you. You'll never know and I think that's what's killing me the most; that you'll never fully grasp how much I loved you." I sit down on the ground, releasing a sigh. I close my eyes forcing myself to say the next words. "I forgive you. I forgive both of you." I can hear Jisoo making her way over to me as the twigs crackle under her feet. She wordlessly sits down next to me, offering her presence as a comforting gesture. "I forgive you." I tell them again but mostly I'm telling myself. I'm trying to get it in my head that I have to forgive them, it's the only way.

"They know." Jisoo whispers quietly next to me. I open my eyes and turn to look at her, staring into her eyes. Where did this girl come from? Who put her here? I allow my eyes to flutter shut again as I lay a head on her shoulder.

"I know." I whisper just as softly. "I can feel it."