IT'S  MY 3RD ANNIVERSARY HERE AT AFF, SO A QUICK UPDATE AS CELEBRATION!

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As I heard that song,

“Oppa.” I called.

“Uh, It been a while Taeyeon-ssi.” It was Yongbae oppa.

“I think your friend is so free these days.”

“What are you talking about? He’s at the rehabilitation center.”

“Then when did he find time to write me a song?”

“What are you talking about?” he laughed awkwardly.

“Oppa you know what Kwon Jiyong and I are.”

“Why? Is it that bad?” he said, “You didn’t like it?”

“How can he write our story this accurately?” I exclaimed, “I don’t even know how he could make the lyrics this united.”

“Since you don’t sing, you narrate.” That voice said.

I choked with tears.

“Yeon-ah, I’ll wait for you.”

I ended quickly, and broke into hard sobs.

I missed this voice, I missed the man that spent half of his life playing and being by my side only.

I got concerned then, whether I should sing this song or not.

But then when I made my mind, and agreed with the producers that this is my title song, I couldn’t sing it.

“One more time Taeyeon-ssi.” The PD asked.

I took a deep breath and tried again, the moment I read the lyrics my eyes swell with tears.

“Let’s take a break.” He said.

When I calmed down and came outside the recording room.

“What’s wrong Taeyeon-ssi?”

“N-Nothing.” I said and dried my tears.

“Should we postpone the recording?”

“No, it’s fine.”

Then I realized what this song is about, it’s about me, I always say fine, while it’s not fine.

“I will go in.” I told him, took a deep breath again and started singing this master piece.

The recording went by successfully, but after the 37th try.

For the first time in my life, I’ve suffered with recording like this.

But it was also the same when I shoot the MV.

The last part where I say, “I keep thinking, About our last moment…” then I busted into tears, couple of times, until the PD decided to include it at the MV so it would be more realistic.

No one would realize how my heart is scattered into pieces then, I literally felt that this would be the end of me, I’m dying, I can’t live another day.

Heechul oppa called, “Taeng, what’s wrong? I heard from the staff that you’re crying all the week!”

“It’s nothing oppa.”

“Taeng, where’re you?”

“SM recording studio.”

“I’m coming.” He ended.

“Ya, why are you suffering alone again?” he came in scolding.

“O-Oppa…” the moment I saw him, four rows or tears raced down my cheeks.

The staff gave us some space.

As if I was waiting for this moment so I can bust out finally.

“T-Taeyeon-ah…” he was startled.

I cried at his chest for about 2 hours or so.

“Are you better now?”

I nodded.

“What happened? Why are you like this?” he wiped my tears, “It’s my first time Kim Taeyeon.”

I stared blankly.

“Everyone is saying that Kim Taeyeon is crying because of Baekhyun.” He clenched his fist, “Should I go and teach him a lesson again?”

“What? No, Baekhyun didn’t do anything.”

“Really? Then why are you crying?”

“Oppa…”

“What?”

“I mean Jiyong oppa.”

“What happened with him? Don’t tell me that you ended your friendship with him, since it will be the lamest joke ever.” he sarcastically said.

“I’m for real.”

“I can’t believe you.”

“Oppa can’t hear.”

He stared at me, wanting more information about this.

“12 years ago, Jiyong oppa hurt himself while defending me, and that resulted in hurting his hearing.”

“Are you talking for real right now Kim Taeng?”

I nodded, “He got treated, but last year it returned again.”

I broke into silent sobs.

“Then why did you leave him? You should be by his side.”

“How can I?” I cried a little more, then continued. “He’s hurting because of me, he’s acting strong for me, he’s sacrificing his career and future to be with me, how can I be with him? Just tell me HOW?!”  I cried out.

“Come over here…” he hugged me and started my back in comforting.

“Oppa I can’t breath, my heart here is about to explode!”

“You’ll be alright Taeng, I’m here for you.”

“We are all here for you.” SNSD members entered then.

“Unnie, stop crying, you did the right thing.” Yoona came to me and started tearing up with me, “Giving oppa some space is the right thing, you can always return back to him.”

“How can I?” I asked again, “I hurt him, I destroyed his life.”

“But you love him.”

That went without a comment.

“Taeyeon-ah,” Yuri said, “You didn’t do that, oppa was the one that stepped in, and you need to be with him and support him, since if you leave him for real, that means that all the sacrifices and the pain he went through the past years went for nothing.”

“You can look at him from afar now,” Tiffany said, “And return to his side, when he gets the answer for how he’s going to live his life from this moment on.”

“When that will be?”

“You should leave that for fate.”

“Stop hurting alone now,” Sunny squatted in front of me, “It doesn’t hurt you alone, it hurts us all.”

Another drops slipped down.

“Hey, you’re not alone.” Hyoyeon said, “We’ll be with you always, so relax and leave this matter to time to heal it.”

“Did you record the song while crying?”

I nodded.

They laughed, “Our leader is really in love.”

“This is the real true love.”

“Aigoo, we’re seeing random things these days,” Sunny said sarcastically, “Even the emo Taeyeon is crying now for her love.”

They laughed.

“Hey, we’re 10 this year, so we will be busy in both ways, you won’t have time to suffer.”

I chuckled, “What a comforting news to hear.”

“Stop saying ridiculous things, let’s go to eat.”

“Right, having a meal right now is the best solution.”

“On my treat.” Heechul oppa offered his card.

“What’s going on? You’re treating us?”

Yoona stole his card, “Aye, what is this?” she laughed.

“It’s Lee Sooman’s president card.”

“It’s more better that way,” Sunny said excitingly, “Let’s go and drink our hearts out.”

“Let’s go~” they hanged me from each arm and hurried to the nearest restaurant, where we had our meal with drinks.

All what I did was drinking, in the way Jiyong oppa taught me.

The album got released before my birthday within a week, finally after producing it for a whole year, it was Perfect-All-Kill, the sales overpassed 100 thousand albums.

Everything was perfect, I got to promote at every music show, had interviews and cameos at variety shows.

After a month I released my deluxe version of the album ‘My Voice’, the song ‘Make me Love you’ was just my words for Jiyong, I wanted him to make me love him, not hurt for him, not feel guilty.

But I hope my message got delivered.

Moreover, by May I started my first Asia tour ‘Persona’, that made me so busy to forget some of the pain and aching that I lived with for the past year or so, and fortunately was so successful that made me crave for a would tour later on.

Then we had our promotion as it was our 10th anniversary, so it was chaotic as well, we got into variety shows for the first time and did really well as a group.

In December 2017, I released my third EP ‘This Christmas: Winter Is Coming’. The album was also a success, but I didn’t like that success since it resulted in more tensed pain once again.

 To promote the album, I held a three-day Christmas concert titled "The Magic of Christmas Time", the shocking issue happened then.

I was returning home from my signing event for this winter album, then to hear that terrifying news.

“Kim Jonghyun has been found suicide at his apartment.”

“Oppa!” I covered my mouth in shock, “Stop the car!” I shouted.

“What happened?” he panicked.

“J-Jonghyun…” I stuttered.

“What’s wrong?” he was surprised to see me cry.

He took my phone that I dropped and got startled with that merciless news.

He let me at the car alone for around an hour, till I cried my heart out.

I tried to call SHINee members, but none of them answered.

Then I got assured of the news.

“Jong has gone.” I said to myself.

I asked my manager to get me to Han river, where I cried to the skies, “WHY?!”

“Why all this is happening to me? Why are you hurting me always?!” tear