Gift for imcsalterego

Gift from ?????

Title of the gift: Can’t breathe.

Pairing: 2jae.

How many words: 3084

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: mentions of self-harm, suicide and cancer?

Note to my giftee: tbh I myself am in such a dark place rn so this was all I could come up with. Im sorry. And merry Christmas!

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Can't Breathe

Warnings: mentions of self-harm, suicide and cancer?

Note to my giftee: tbh I myself am in such a dark place rn so this was all I could come up with. Im sorry. And merry Christmas!

Youngjae couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t think straight and was a complete mess. What? Why? How? But more importantly, just why? Why? Why? Why?

Youngjae saw a window. And that was it. That’s all he could remember. A window, then nothing.

Youngjae woke up inside a comfortable, quiet hospital room. And Jaebum was sitting beside him. He was tightly holding onto Youngjae’s hand, with a warm smile on his extremely pale face. And Youngjae had lost his ability to think once again. Why? How?

“You’re finally awake, Youngjae!” Jaebum loudly chirped.

“Do you know how long I’ve been here beside this bed? I was so bored out of my mind!” Jaebum continued in a tone higher than usual, as if this wasn’t Jaebum, but someone else. But that couldn’t possibly be true. Because Jaebum was here, right in front of Youngjae’s own eyes. Jaebum is here. And nothing else matters.

Just as Youngjae was about to answer everything went black and Youngjae felt himself lose his consciousness.

**

Youngjae was just about to settle in his new room when his phone rang. An unknown number. Had it been a year prior, Youngjae would’ve peacefully ignored the call and gone back to whatever he had been doing. But Youngjae was not a normal citizen anymore. He had taken a sacred oath to serve and protect, just like his dad, and his mom, and his both siblings, and his grandparents.

Although Youngjae spent his childhood surrounded by people with epaulettes on their shoulders, he knew much of nothing about the army life. All he knew were the simple drill commands like “attention”, “at ease”, or “salute”. Nonetheless, Youngjae was sent to study at the famous military-medical academy to become the best military-medical personnel he can be.

Youngjae didn’t exactly want this and that was true. His passion was to go to the states and study psychology, but that was crushed as soon as he was sent off to a month long boot camp with 30 other young men to prepare for his upcoming life as a cadet. Life there was harsh and somehow the fact that his grandfather was a well-respected army general didn’t help as much as Youngjae expected it to. But then again, even though Youngjae had to run 5 kilometers every damn morning and stand under the eye-blinding hot sun for hours with no end to learn how to stand in formation and to march, Youngjae made great friends there. And he guessed all of that hell was well worth going through for all the good hearted fellas Youngjae met there.

Youngjae picked up his phone after a few rings.

“Yes?” Youngjae’s voice shook.

“Choi Youngjae?” an unfamiliar voice said.

“Yes. That’s me.”

“Hey, so basically colonel Choi gave me your number and asked me to help you settle in.” the voice said. “I’m Im jaebum, by the way.”

“Oh, nice to make your acquaintance,” Youngjae said through the phone. A cadet needs to be polite, respectful and kind. That’s what his mom had told him before shipping him off to a prison disguised as an academy.

“No need to be so formal, it’s fine. I think I’ll have some free time tomorrow, I’ll come to you.” Mr. Im Jaebum said. And with an extremely awkward goodbye from Youngjae’s side and a silence from the other side, the phone call was over.

Darn it, Youngjae shouldn’t have picked up this damn phone. Now he had to meet a complete stranger and interact with him and be a normal good human being. He just hoped his dad has asked at least someone of his age range to his “mentor”. Because if there was anything worse than having to hold up a conversation with a person, it would be having to hold a conversation with an old person. But the dude didn’t necessarily sound old, or did he? Youngjae didn’t know what to think, or what to expect.

The day went by quickly and it was the day for Youngjae to meet, what he assumed to be, his “guide” in the strangely cloudy city of St. Petersburg.

The city was cloudy as hell, always. Although Youngjae loved a little gray sky in his life, he didn’t want to live in a city where it was always gloomy and depressing, a darning city that never got to see the damn sun.

“Need me some vitamin D, that’s all I know,” Youngjae muttered to himself waking up to another cloudy day.

The dreadful moment had come before Youngjae could start worrying about it. Just as Youngjae was getting out of the shower, his phone rang. The same damn number as yesterday.

“So I’m here, right in front of your school. If you could come out for a little while, that’d be pretty cool.” Mr. Im Jaebum said.

“I’ll be out in 5,” Youngjae said in his upmost cheerful voice.

“Hey,” a guy in his early twenties greeted Youngjae holding out his hand to him.

I should shake it, Youngjae thought to himself, reaching out for the stranger’s hand.

“Hello, I’m Youngjae,” Youngjae smiled as wide as he could.

“Jaebum,” the dude smiled.

Well that’s pretty, Youngjae thought and unconsciously smiled back. Youngjae liked Jaebum from the start for no apparent reason.

“So I study at the military engineering university, it’s about a 10 minute walk from here, so it’s pretty close. I’m currently a second year there.” Jaebum introduced himself.

“Can I call you Jaebum hyung?” Youngjae asked aware about the extreme hierarchy in the army.

“Of course,” Jaebum smiled. And Youngjae’s heart skipped a beat. He didn’t know what it was about that smile but all Youngjae could think about was that one simple smile.

Jaebum and Youngjae walked around the neighborhood for a while. Youngjae didn’t know if it was the smile contained some type of magic in it or what, but suddenly the city didn’t seem so depressing anymore. The gray sky seemed to have developed into an entire color pallet filled so many gorgeous shades of colors, and the wind has stopped its melancholic song, turning it into a love tune.

“I’m not going to lie and be all ‘it’s nice out here’ and all. It’s not. It’s probably going to be hard to adapt to the living circumstance out here for the next few months, you’re definitely going to miss home and you’re going to want to give up everything. That’s for sure. But then again, you have to remind yourself every day of the reason you came here in the first place. And you just have got to continue pushing, you know.” Jaebum gave an important speech just as Youngjae and he were about to part ways.

“And whatever happens, if you want to talk, I’m all ears. Remember that,” Jaebum smiled again. And once again Youngjae’s world was on fire. How can a small smile turn the world upside down?

Youngjae thanked his hyung and off he went.

Youngjae couldn’t stop thinking about the smile.

**

One of the main reasons Youngjae’s mom decided to send him off to a military academy was security and safety. It wasn’t that she was worried about a gang of drug dealers killing her son and selling his organs. That was the least of her worries. One of the first female colonels of the Korean army really was worried about Youngjae’s certain tendencies to cut open his veins.

Incidents such as those have happened a lot in the past and for God’s sake Youngjae stopped as he matured. But the scars remained still on his body, reminding everyone who knew of his past what depression was capable of. And Youngjae’s mom worried her son would relapse and start the cutting all over again.

And one thing Mrs. Choi figured the academy could definitely do was to control Youngjae not to leave lasting scars on his body all over again.

But as it turned out, the academy couldn’t do about it.

Youngjae wanted to die. And cutting relieved him of that urge. If it wasn’t for the razor Youngjae had hidden from everyone and carried all the way over to Russia, Youngjae would’ve died already. Youngjae saw blood on his forearms every night and it delayed his need to just jump out of the window from the ninth floor.

His mom, dad, brother, sister, no one knew this. And they probably will never find out.

Youngjae was sick and tired of this whole damn place. The people were toxic and fake, none of the superior officers counted their cadets as humans and the teachers were all money-loving fat pigs that couldn’t think for themselves. Youngjae liked nothing. Not the lectures, not the seminars, not the people, not the weather – nothing seemed to interest Youngjae enough to replace his horrible habit of taking out his anger on his skin.

“Youngjae,” Jaebum was on the phone.

“Yeah, hyung,” Youngjae smiled, seeing Jaebum’s smile inside his mind, something he hasn’t been able to stop doing ever since the day he met Jaebum for the first time.

“I heard you place soccer, is that correct information I’ve obtained?” Jaebum cheekily asked. Truth be told, Jaebum kind of missed Youngjae. He had met him once, and Youngjae didn’t exactly talk much then. So there was no objective reason for Jaebum to miss Youngjae since there was no actual Youngjae for Jaebum to miss. But he did, and he wanted to see him again.

“Yes, but it was all the way back in high school,” Youngjae replied.

“You’re saying that as if it’s been hundred thousand years since you graduated,” Jaebum chuckled.

“Anyway, all I’m trying to say here is, I and a few of my close friends are going to be playing some soccer at our school, and you’re invited.”

Youngjae heard Jaebum and he understood him. But he couldn’t understand why Jaebum wanted him there. Youngjae was boring, depressing, and negative and brought bad luck with him everywhere he went. But no matter how much Youngjae thought he shouldn’t be there, he wanted to be there. He wanted to be there with Jaebum and his gorgeous smile.

Contrary to what Youngjae had thought the success match was going to go, everything went smoothly. Jaebum was all smiles during the whole thing, Youngjae’s team won and Jaebum’s buddies seemed like really nice people as well. No one could beat Jaebum and his smile of course, but still, Youngjae grew fond of the older fellas just as quick.

“You know, there are people in your life that you meet for the first time, and it feels as if you’ve known them for an eternity,” Jaebum said as he and Youngjae were walking up to Youngjae’s dorm.

“You just instantly connect with them and all feels right when you’re with that person,” Jaebum continued.

That’s right, that’s you in my case, Youngjae thought to himself and smiled.

“You’re thinking of that person right now, aren’t you?” Jaebum guessed with the same bright smile Youngjae loved.

“I am,” Youngjae confessed.

“Well, then I’m not only thinking about that person, I’m with that person as we speak,” Jaebum beamed, putting his arm around Youngjae’s shoulders.

Weirdly enough, Jaebum’s innocent comment sent shivers down Youngjae’s spine. And his heartbeat fastened and Youngjae was about to lose his cool.

I should say something back, Youngjae thought.

“Me too,” Youngjae smiled back, trying not to scream of joy.

“I’m so glad this feelings of familiarity is mutual!” Jaebum exclaimed.

Since then Youngjae and Jaebum spent the weekends together almost always. Most of the times, of course, boys being boys, they spent the day either playing soccer, or behind a computer screen playing video games. And not only would they play together, they would also talk and get to know each other better, Jaebum loved talking to Youngjae about his childhood, and high school years, and his past friends, and he just loved talking to Youngjae in general.

Youngjae could spend a thousand and one years with Jaebum if he had to. Because with Jaebum time seemed to go by faster and better. Youngjae was spending his weekends doing things he loved instead of sleeping in all day. Jaebum was definitely without a doubt one of the best things to happen to Youngjae.

And two years have passed just like that.

Youngjae was now a third year cadet with one of the highest ranks in both academic score and discipline. Jaebum was now a fifth year student with his graduation only a few months away.

It had become a tradition for Youngjae and Jaebum to spend the last day of their summer leave together and do something extremely dangerous. The year before he and Jaebum had gone skydiving, which was a pretty popular activity among the “adrenaline junkies”. This year Youngjae wanted to try eating something disgusting.

“Hyung, I hope you remember to bring a bucket with you tomorrow,” Youngjae sent a voicemail to Jaebum. The older one wasn’t answering his phone. Youngjae didn’t worry. Jaebum would remember definitely. He wasn’t the one to forget such things.

And it was finally the tomorrow Youngjae had anticipated so much. Youngjae was at the place he told Jaebum he’d be at. And he was waiting.

Two hours passed by easily. Youngjae was still waiting. Jaebum was probably busy. That’s what it was. He was busy. Youngjae was going to wait until Jaebum came. Jaebum was definitely going to come. Because Youngjae said he’d be there and Jaebum would never leave Youngjae alone.

Jaebum was four hours late. Youngjae didn’t lose hope. Maybe he slept in and was only waking up. Jaebum was going to come, that’s for sure. Youngjae was going to wait for him no matter how late he came.

It was 9pm. And Youngjae couldn’t wait any longer. Not because he had lost hope and he was sure Jaebum wouldn’t show, but because the academy had a 9:30 curfew.

Youngjae wondered why Jaebum didn’t at least write him a small text explaining his absence.

Youngjae tried to contact Jaebum twice after their cancelled date of that one unfortunate day. But Jaebum didn’t pick up his phone, and he wasn’t responding to any of the texts, Facebook messages Youngjae was sending.

It wasn’t easy to disappoint Youngjae. Because if Youngjae liked someone, no matter how horrible of a thing that person does, he would still like them. And since Youngjae liked Jaebum a lot, actually a whole lot more than a lot, Youngjae was trying his hardest not to dislike Jaebum. Youngjae was trying to be reasonable. Because there had to be something wrong. Because that’s the only reason Jaebum would abandon Youngjae and their friendship.

But after two months of complete silence, Youngjae was done. Something inside of him clicked and he wasn’t waiting for Jaebum to return his calls or reply to his texts anymore. Youngjae was completely and utterly crushed. Jaebum didn’t matter. To hell with him.

St. Petersburg was gray. It was gray and sad. Youngjae missed home. People annoyed him. As it turned out everyone was somehow unhappy with his attitude as of late. Youngjae hated how people felt entitled to tell him how to behave and what to feel.

Lately Youngjae was nothing but a sack filled with anxiety and anger. He hated being here. He hated studying medicine. He hated the people he had to spend his youth with. He hated himself. And he hated Jaebum.

“Youngjae, respect is all about attitude.” Some senior blabbered on and on about how disrespectful, immature and stupid Youngjae was. And Youngjae wanted to scream.

I don’t care about respect. I don’t give a about what any of you think. – is what Youngjae wanted to say. But he couldn’t. He was a coward. He was scared.

Youngjae had started cutting again. Because the open wounds on his body were the only source of relief. It was as if his problems and concerns would magically spill out of him with his blood through his cut open skin. Youngjae just needed to relax. And cutting helped a lot.

Youngjae wanted a friend. He wanted a listening ear. Because it all was just too much. Youngjae had so much bottled up inside of him that he didn’t know what to do with all of it anymore. It was too much. He had to vent it all out. But he didn’t know how. And he didn’t know who to speak to and what to say.

It was late November when news of a kid falling down to his death from the ninth floor reached everyone’s ears, including Youngjae.

Youngjae knew the kid. And he actually used to talk to him here and there. Youngjae would greet him with a smile and they would chat a little about their lives.

Youngjae was devastated. And he was jealous. He was jealous of how that kid, having jumped off to his death, didn’t have to study any more bull anatomy or histology, or respect his faced seniors. Youngjae wanted the same for himself.

It was another gray day in St. Petersburg when Youngjae heard it.

“Jaebum from the engineering university passed away today, did you hear?” someone said just as Youngjae was walking past.

Youngjae stopped. What the .

“I heard. He was such a great guy,” person number two said.

Youngjae couldn’t breathe. Why.

“I’m sorry, could you repeat that?” Youngjae managed to say.

“Im Jaebum, the guy who had terminal lung cancer, apparently passed away last night,” person number one or two, whoever said.

Terminal cancer. Passed away. Im Jaebum. Passed away. Cancer. Passed away. Passed away.

Youngjae couldn’t think. He couldn’t breathe. And he wanted to become dust.

**

Youngjae woke in a hospital room. A hoard of white coated people had surrounded him. And all types of machines were attached to different parts of his body. Youngjae could see and he could hear but he couldn’t move.

“It’s magic,” one of the doctors said looking at Youngjae.

It was magic. Youngjae, who had fallen from the ninth floor, not only survived the fall but was almost uninjured all around. A few broken ribs, a broken ankle and a broken femur, and that was it. Nothing more. Not even blood.

“I’m so confused. This is actually impossible. He’s even conscious!” another one said.

What the hell are they talking about, was all Youngjae could think.

“Can you talk?” one doctor said making sure to enunciate every word.

“I can,” Youngjae answered.

“Can tell us your name?”

“I think… It’s Jaebum.”