----Chapter Twenty-Nine----

Since he's still in the middle of his comeback with a packed schedule, it's only a full week later that they're able to meet at her dorm.

She's been an emotional mess the whole week, with more meetings with her therapist, and they’ve decided to add another session with the prosecutors tomorrow, for some more needed practice.

Chaeyoung is determined not to mess her interrogation at the stand, so she’s giving her all into these preparations, even if her life has been reduced to those meetings and the aftermath.

It’s exhausting.

At least she’s been able to forget about the conversation she’s dreading to have with Jimin, but since he’s coming now, she can’t push it away any longer.

She’s still battling with herself about her decision, second-guessing herself constantly, but that’s her heart screaming that it doesn’t want things to change.

But sometimes things do need to change in order to move forward.

Just don't cry. Please just don't cry, Chaeng, she keeps telling herself as paces in her room, waiting for him to arrive.

Pacing is what she’s been doing for the past two hours, unable to do anything constructive ever since they’ve agreed on the meeting time.

She thought she could at least try to investigate the Junhoe matter for Yeri in the meantime, so she sent him a text asking if he wanted to hang out for a bit, but her texts have remained unread thus far, leaving her frustratingly unbusy.

She hasn't even told any of her members what she plans to do as she knows they'll probably try to dissuade her. And it would be oh so tempting to let them.

She doesn't want to do this.

She needs to do it.

A sudden hand on her elbow makes her shriek. She turns swiftly to find Jimin inside her room, looking at her with concern. Her heart blossoms with joy at his presence, but heavy chains snake around it the next moment, squeezing it so hard it leaves her breathless.

"I called your name three times. Are you okay?"

No, I'm not.

She stares at him instead of answering. His dark, kind eyes. His ever so fluffy hair. His sinful lips...

God, how can she do this?

"Chaeyoung!" He calls her name in a louder voice, his hands now on her shoulders. "You're scaring me. You look panicked."

She regains her senses at his touch and grabs his own shoulders, pushing him gently toward her bed until he's sitting. She then moves backward and nervously chews on her lower lip, still unsure how to start.

But when he makes a move to stand up, she shakes her head at him. "No, please sit. I...what I'm going to say isn't easy and you...you should sit."

She jumps from one foot to the other, twirls a strand of hair around her finger as she gathers the strength she needs to go on.

She opens . A squeak comes out, her words lodged in , refusing to come out.

He moves forward on the bed, ready to jump up. She shakes her head, hands waving frantically in front of her, stopping his movement.

Clearing , she tries again.

“Sorry, I, uh,” she starts, her voice finally peaking out. With a sigh, she stares at him.

Rip off the bandaid in one shot.

"We...we should break up. I-"

Jimin's up on his feet before she can continue, marching toward her until there's practically no breathing air left between them.

Feeling herself wavering, she hurries before he has the chance to speak up. "I-I can't keep using you, I have to do this on my own. It's not fair to you, so it's better if we're apart. I-"

"Stop. You're babbling. Chaeng. You're not using me?" He traps her head between his hands and as much as she tries to move back, he doesn't let her. "You have to explain clearly to me. But let me say one thing first. We're not breaking up."

She tries to shake her head, but his hands hold it firmly in place. There’s nowhere else to look but his eyes.

As she stares at him, she begins hating herself for what she's doing. He's been so kind, so patient with her. He makes her feel so much.

He deserves the truth.

So she talks.

About her sessions with the prosecutors and the nightmares that always follow.

About her sessions with her therapist and how unprepared she feels even after all the hours they’ve poured on practices.

About how nothing helps her feel better, except for him.

About how it terrifies her, the upcoming trial. Facing him.

About how the only times she can forget is when they're together.

How she used him to forget.

How she hates what she’s done, hates how weak she is.

How she wants to stand tall and be able to look at herself in the mirror when it’s all over.

How she relied so much on her members after the kidnapping, how long it took her to be able to even just go outside on her own.

How it scares her to ever risk the chance of going back to that state.

How she doesn’t want to depend on others for she fears she’ll forget how to stand on her own two feet without support.

It’s not wholly coherent. She goes back and forth in time, jumbles her words and in her nervousness, mixes up her words like she used to when she hadn’t been used to speaking Korean.

But he listens, patiently.

And all the while she talks, neither of them move from their previous position, and Chaeyoung can see all the different emotions passing through his eyes as she speaks. He doesn't interrupt, but she recognizes that stubborn strike in his stare that tells her he's definitively going to argue later.

She didn't think it'd be easy, far from it, but maybe she stupidly hoped that he would follow her wishes without putting too much of a fight.

A part of her silently rejoices that he wishes to fight, that he doesn’t want to give up on them.

Convince me, it whispers.

Ignoring it proves challenging, but she manages to finish her explanation.

When she's done, she tries once more to move but he tenaciously keeps her still, his mouth in a thin line as he processes all she said.

Her heart is beating so loud in her chest, he must surely hear it too.

Did she convey all of her feelings correctly?

"We don't have to break up, Chaeng,” he finally says. “We can just...take a pause. And when it's all over, we'll unpause."

"I-what if it takes longer for me to get back on my feet? I can't ask you to wait endlessly."

"That's my decision, and I decide that I'll wait. You can't make me change my mind.” He leans his forehead against her, his eyes still locked on hers. “I don't feel used at all, but I understand your worries. I would love to be by your side during this huge event of your life, to give you strength, but whatever you feel is best for you. I'll support your decision, but we're not breaking up. The only reason I'll accept a break up is if you don't want to be with me anymore."

Chaeyoung shakes her head. This is not going the way she's foreseen at all, but she's filled with relief despite her previous resolve to stand her ground. "I'll never feel that way, I know it," she whispers, eyes cast down.

"Then this conversation is over." He slips his arms around her, bringing her closer to him. "Please don't scare me like that," he whispers back to her, his forehead pressed against her neck. "I literally stopped breathing for a moment."

"I'm sorry. God, I'm sorry. I-I didn't... I just…i wanted to go through this on my own, to be stronger, so our relationship could be better…"

"Chaeng..."

"I know…you like me the way I am, but I…I don't like being this way...I don’t want our most precious moments to be something that helps me forget."

“I told you, I don’t feel used at all. It’s not like you’re in this relationship just to forget, right?”

She grips him harder, shaking her head against his shoulder. “Of course not! I care about you, so much,” she trails, her body shaking. “I just... I want us to have a healthy relationship that lasts, and... I just feel unstable right now, and the last thing I want is to do anything to hurt you.”

“You won’t hurt me.” He pauses. “Unless you break up with me.”

She whines, drawing chuckles out of him. Oh, that sound. How she loves it.

She didn’t think she’d ever heard it again after today. “I... I don’t want to break up with you,” she admits.

He sighs, the sound tearing at her heartstrings.

"Good.” He finally moves back, looking at her in the eyes. “I get it, I understand your reasoning even if maybe I don’t agree with it. But I won’t try to cha