Losses on the day which fire blazed

By: Junyoshi

Requested: November 16, 2012

Completed: August 28, 2013

Review: Serious

Review Shop Criteria

Title [ 3 / 10 ]

Creativity: It has a nice ring to it. However, the title really does give the entire story away. It doesn’t add much more to the story and leaves an impression of a very baseline story that doesn’t grow beyond molds. There could be more done with the title, but I will admit that the way it is worded leaves a rather striking image in the mind – whether or not it is a title that resonates with people.

Characters [ 10 / 50 ]

Development: The characters didn’t have enough time to develop. In a one shot, the story needs to be framed in a particular way, capturing a particular moment. They cannot be told in their full-fledged versions without losing quite a bit of development in the characters.

Stories are written to express, not to frivolously state. In this instance, the characters are clearly elaborated on in the form of paragraph introductions which act as basic profiles which could have easily appeared in the foreword – which is also normally unacceptable due to the negative affect it has on character development and growth.

Seohyun and Kyuhyun are placed into archetypes/molds that are not broken throughout this short tragedy. They have base-level individuality which doesn’t help to invoke emotions in the readers to a truly resonating extent. In order to achieve high development in a one shot, the characters must be given ample time as well as ample interaction to show the reader that these two people are more than just characters in a story.

They are representations of real people – reflections that must reach out and captivate an audience. In their current form, they are only fairytale characters lacking the ability to become 3-dimensional.

Voice: Evidently, their voices are distinct, but it is a detail overshadowed by their weaker forms/personalities.

Proper Characterization: They fit into the average manservant/master story. It’s done in a way that offers very little to the genre/plot. The characters themselves are not incredibly close to their real-life counterparts, but I can certainly see where you derived Kyuhyun and Seohyun from their real selves.  

Grammar/Spelling [ 18 / 25 ]

Correct Usage: There are some problems here and there, but the improvement from your past works is incredible. The snippets are barely noticeable, making the piece read with relative ease. However, due note that there are still some issues, but most can be fixed with careful rereading and having someone proofread it before publishing.

Tenses: The amount of issues is low. Here and there, you can find mistakes, however, for the most part there aren’t any cringe-worthy problems.

Plot [ 17 / 75 ]

Intrigue: The storyline has much left to be desired in the sense that it lacks detail and depth. There is certainly a fast-paced style of writing, but for a story such as this which relies on tragic love more build up is beneficial to the telling.

In the future, it would be wise to take into consideration the length at which a story is being told and if that length suits the plotline. If, for instance, it’s an action-adventure story, it can be paced fast or slow. Romances of this nature are more effective when written with detail and proper framing. That means the story is given context which is timely – if a one-shot – and also interactive. The characters need to growth through phases and expressions, especially when the love is from childhood.

Originality: It is a common done tale of lost love, but there are spins on it that have added slightly to the story, such as another man coming to take care of Seohyun.

Story Structure [ 32 / 75]

Point of View Coordination: Yes!

Realism (in terms of story setting): The world created is believable but also lacking. The details are skewed at times and the main conflict of the story is never elaborated on to its fullest. Although in your mind, as the author, you can see the vivid world, readers cannot. Therefore, it is your duty to function as the medium which transports all of us to the world you have envisioned.

Functionality: The readers are given too much freedom. The level of scarcity in the piece takes away from very strong emotions that could’ve been conveyed. In order to increase the strength of the piece, details and feelings and development are necessary.

Style [ 23 / 60 ]

Personality: Compared to previous stories, this one has more of your personal touch to it, but it is still missing something. The very concise and less-than-detail-oriented writing style could just be from choice or it could’ve been out of a mindless rush to get out these ideas. Either way, there is always room for improvement as you continue growing as a writer. This story needed a softer tone and more abstraction or it needed rawer emotions and more breath-taking instances. Consider which you would have wanted in a tragic romance and then continue progressing in that direction.

Description: There isn’t much to begin with. As mentioned before, consider taking description more thoughtfully and applying it to the appropriate stories/situations.

Dialogue: The dialogue is formatted well, and there is strong emotion in your dialogue. Although the story was paced too quickly, the dialogue suited the characters very well.

Clichés: The clichés are hopefully clear, as they have been addressed throughout the review. I will not delve into it.

“Flow”: The flow, as mentioned above, is very quick and messy at times. There was room for slower development, but it was dismissed. Again, be sure to evaluate what pace is most suited to your stories and then adjust your writing speed to match what is best.

Formatting: The formatting is good.

Literary Devices [ 2 / 5 ]

Metaphors, similes, alliteration, aphorisms, repetition, etc. : Oddly enough, there were sudden moment of it, and then it would disperse.

Extras/Bonuses [ 3 / -- ]

Readers Enjoyment: Nice

Particular Snippets of…: The still night was interrupted by the thundering sound of hoof beats against the hard earth. Amber dotted the vicinity. – That was a beautiful section. I was my favorite part.  

Improvement: Your story didn’t improve so much as your ability to write has.

Enjoyment: Good.

Total [ 108 / 300 ]

36%

Comments:

I did grade this seriously. I’m sorry if you wanted something more thorough, but I hope that I addressed enough key points to be satisfactory.

On another note, there is exceptional improvement! I am very happy you asked me to review for you again. It’s incredible how much you improved. : )