STORY LINK

Requested: January 21, 2012

Completed: January 21, 2012

**Read through these Edit Notes and at the end I have your Review**

Advisor Notes

Chapter 1:

[Minor Corrections You May or May Not want to Change]

**I won’t be knit picky because I know you’re not looking for perfection in a Fanfiction so please understand that I’m overlooking little things like typos or basic grammatical errors. I will mainly focus on keeping the stream of character thought and action intact.**

“It can’t be helped. He’s the inspiration from my next book.” I said.

NOTE: The dialogue flows more naturally if you change “from” to “for” as it indicates he is the inspiration for the next book instead of being from the book.

Yoochun sighed, “It’s a matter of time when everyone finds out and starts giving you disgusted glances. Trust me pal.”

NOTE: “When” should be “before”

When I was done, I smirked; I was satisfied with what I had penned down.

NOTE: This was a well done attempt I must say. However, the semi-colon was used without being needed. To correct the way this sentence reads, remove the semi-colon first. It should be structured like this:

When I was done, I smirked satisfied with what I had penned down.

Although long sentences are beautiful and natural, short sentences are fine as well. It all depends on how you use them.

“Wouldn't my readers just squeal at a cute, shy and innocent uke? Mm-hmm." I answered myself. I nodded to myself as I thought about my accomplishment.

NOTE: Using “myself” twice in such close proximity with that sentence structure only makes it seem redundant. Remove the second “myself” so it reads:

…I answered myself. I nodded, thinking about my accomplishment.

[Sentence Flow]

**As you requested, I’ll pay mind to your sentence length**

I was writing my second novel. I debuted as a novelist the previous year. My first book was a hit. It was one of the top ten books that young ladies would want to read.  My pen name was U-Know. I had all of my readers going gaga over what I wrote. Not to mention, I was only a high school student. The books sold out fast and there was a high demand for another book that was written by me. Only Yoochun knew about this job I had. It must be kept a secret at all cost if I want to graduate peacefully. 

NOTE:

1. Let’s use this as an example. You’re very blatantly listing facts about Yunho when really you could easily slip all of that information into one or two sentences.

For instance, instead of starting the sentence with “I” use a transitional word such as “Currently” or “Thus far” etc.

2. The next two sentences could be combined by using “and”. It will add voice to your character and make the paragraph flow better.

Example: I debuted as a novelist the previous year and my first book was an absolute hit.

3. By adding adjectives you’ll be able to give the readers something to latch onto or mentally emphasize. Furthermore, it will enhance your writing overall.

4. Consider taking out the pen name part because it disrupts everything. Or, you could place it somewhere else that makes more sense. Right now you placed it right in the middle of a singular thought. You were talking about the popularity of the book then inserted his pen name, then returned to talking about the popularity of the book.

5. I was writing my second novel. I debuted as a novelist the previous year. My first book was a hit. It was one of the top ten books that young ladies would want to read.  My pen name was U-Know. I had all of my readers going gaga over what I wrote. Not to mention, I was only a high school student. The books sold out fast and there was a high demand for another book that was written by me.

Restructure it so you aren’t doing a back and forth thing.

Example: I debuted as a novelist the previous year. My pen name was U-Know. I was writing my second novel. My first book was a hit. It was one of the top ten books that young ladies would want to read.  I had all of my readers going gaga over what I wrote. The books sold out fast and there was a high demand for another book that was written by me. Not to mention, I was only a high school student.

Of course that example is solely structure based. Be sure to take into account the edits I advised earlier.

6. The books sold out fast and there was a high demand for another book that was written by me.

NOTE: Take out “…that was written by me” because it’s an obvious fact that doesn’t need to be clarified.

Chapter 2

[Minor Corrections You May or May Not want to Change]

We would be lounging around till our PE teacher came.

NOTE: Your tense usage is a bit off. Instead of using “We would be lounging…” a better transitional sentence would be:

We were lounging around… or We lounged around…

Then, I felt a smack on my head and that person who did that was none other than Yoochun.

NOTE: There are far too many unnecessary words in here. Reduce the word count by replacing “and that person who did that” to “and turned around to see that it was none other than Yoochun.”

"You should really stop using innocent people for those lewd thoughts of yours," Yoochun said and walks away.

NOTE: Reduce word count again. Example: Yoochun said, walking away.

Perhaps, he caught me looking in between his legs and felt awkward.

NOTE: The sentence before this is a question that I’m assuming is connected to the word “Perhaps…” However, you’ve attached “Perhaps” to the next sentence which I’m confused about. Anyway, it would be helpful if you put “Perhaps” as its own thought. Put a period after “Perhaps”. Although this isn’t grammatically okay, it adds to the story and voice of the character. Sometimes breaking a few rules is okay.

[Sentence Flow]

I smiled and turned away. I fished out my notebook and started writing. I figured that as long as Kim Jaejoong was within my sight, I had to have paper and pen to write. 

This will be the focus paragraph.

1. The first two sentences should be combined for fluidity.

Example: I smiled and turned away to fish out a notebook.

By dropping the last part about writing, you allow your readers to make the mental assumption that he’s going to use it to write. This way, you can cut back on word count and at the same time stop yourself from laying out every single little detail to your readers. Let them think for themselves a bit.

Chapter 3

[Minor Corrections You May or May Not want to Change]

He blew gently at the tip of the and he kissed it, making the teacher wanting for more.

NOTE: Since the scene is sensual, I advise you be aware of your word choice. At the end you could replace the almost immature “…making the teacher wanting for more” with “…making the teacher crave more.” It will fit better with your word choice from the preceding lines.

Without a second thought, the student engulfed his lover's manhood. He bobbed his head, up and down. He was humming his favourite tune as he did so. Using his free hand, he massaged the sacs, making his lover moan. Seconds later, a creamy substance spilled into the student's wet cavern.

NOTE: The thought is one continuous stream and should therefore avoid the use of the same word. You use “lover” twice but it’s the only repeated word. Replace the first or second with a synonym.

[Sentence Flow]

I wrote and wrote. I wrote the same letters again and again, over each other.

1. The use of repetition was fine but you broke it with a period. Since you used “wrote” three times, it should have stayed in one sentence. If it had been four uses of “wrote” then the period would have been okay.

Or, you could get rid of the repetition completely. It was a nice idea however the sentence and situation don’t necessarily call for it. Try to be clearer instead of literarily intriguing.

Chapter 4

[Minor Corrections You May or May Not want to Change]

"Aren't you being more then usual, my love?" the teacher said as he angled himself at the boy's prostate.

NOTE: “more ” is “hornier”

The teacher smirked. Then, he ed deeper and faster.

"Sensei, I... Love you," the boy said and crashed his lips against his teacher's.}

NOTE: Redundancy of “teacher”. Find another word like “man” to replace one of them.

I waited. 1 minute. 2 minutes. 3 minutes. 4 minutes. 5 minutes.

NOTE: Consider giving each “minute” its own line to add dramatic effect. Right now it feels like there’s no real extension of time but by physically creating space between the words it will make the story appear as if time is passing.

[Sentence Flow]

Yes, you heard it right. I was going to confess, but not verbally. I was going to write a letter. You might be thinking that I am outdated. In this world where advanced technology could be found anywhere, I still use paper and pen to communicate. Well, I personally thought that I could convey my feeling across when I wrote. I was a writer after all.

1. Since this is first person it’s perfectly fine to use conjunctions. It sounds far too formal by putting “…that I am outdated.”

2. The next sentence doesn’t flow according to how you ended the previous line. Although the subject matters are similar, you can’t jump from personal “outdated” to worldly outdate.

You could either break the paragraph or find a way to connect the two thoughts.

3. I still use paper and pen to communicate. Well, I personally thought that I could convey my feeling across when I wrote.

His internal argument is choppy. Try taking out “Well” or again, splitting it into more paragraphs.

Chapter 5

[Minor Corrections You May or May Not want to Change]

"Bye, Yoochun," Jaejoong said and swung opened the door.

NOTE: Normally it is correct to make everything the same tense but this time you don’t have to. I’m not positive of the rule but it should be “…and swung open the door.”

Jaejoong came over and wrapped his arms around my neck from behind me.

 NOTE: You already used “my” to indicate who was being touched so you can take out “me” at the end. Again, the over specification isn’t needed.

Using my hands to support myself from weighting down of Jaejoong, I gazed into Jaejoong's lust filled eyes. Slowly. I grinded my clothed member against Jaejoong's.

NOTE: You overused “Jaejoong”. You’re breaking the stream of , taking away from the sensuality of the scene.

By making sure that his hole was completely lubricated, I inserted a finger and spread the lube on the walls of it.

NOTE: “By” was used improperly. Change it to “To make sure…” or something along the lines of having it done to him. As it is now, you’re saying “By doing this..this will happen”.

[Sentence Flow]

Our eyes met. I kissed him on his lips and muttered,"I love you." Our hearts fluttered. Smiling, I cuddled him closer to my body.

1. This scene is incredibly intimate and should be extended. Since you’re talking about such sweet things, you should expand on it with metaphors, similes, etc. to further paint a picture for your readers. There’s too much room for interpretation.

2. “Our eyes met and I kissed…” is a better way of making the section flow. Cutting “Our eyes met.” From the rest of the part also makes us readers stop and fall out of the story.

* * *

Review Shop Criteria

Title [ 8 / 10 ]

Creativity: It does relate to the plot; however the word choice does not match the tone of the story. When I read your title I imagined a more serious plot. By using words like “illusion” with “reality” it gives off far more emotion than the story offered. You were more situational-based rather than character based.  

Characters [ 30 / 50 ]

Development:

Yunho: He was the narrator and he changed slightly with each consecutive chapter. In the beginning he was more secluded but by the end he had opened his mind more to the idea of love.

Jaejoong: He wasn’t spoken about much and suddenly received numerous character developments at the end. Although it was explained well enough, there was still an issue with pacing.

Yoochun: He was the unchanging and most natural of all the characters.

Voice: The voice varied a tad too much. At times, Yunho didn’t sound like the Yunho being portrayed. Your personal voice as author came through too frequently for the point of view chosen.

Mark-Downs: As I stated above, Yunho fell out of character sometimes. His character proved itself to be generic and replaceable. I wouldn’t normally take off so many points because of such a reason but Yunho was the absolute main character. The story revolved around him, his work, and his feelings as well as interactions. He deserved much more attention.

Grammar/Spelling [ 15/ 25 ]

Correct Usage: There were numerous, consistent mistakes with tense usage, punctuation and other basic grammatical skills. Only a small part of the mistakes were typos so I decided to take off more points. Please refer to the “Edit” portion of this review. I made sure to point out some of the bigger mistakes that you should take into consideration.

Plot [ 55 / 75 ]

Intrigue: My personal interest was spiked. I rather enjoyed the idea of a writer using his classmate for material. Plus, the switch between the story and reality was interesting as you could clearly see the difference in Yunho’s thoughts and the story he was writing.

It also appears that your readers enjoyed the plot idea.

Originality: This was not very original. It was more original than most but in the end what made it different was the organization of the piece. Plot-wise I can’t say there was as much individuality as I would have liked. At times I felt like I had read your words somewhere else at a different time and place.

I feel as if I should reiterate how important it is to recreate scenes in your personal vision. I do believe that you, at times, created a unique situation and surprising plot twists. The problem is the consistency of this.

Mark Downs: Refer to the abovementioned problems with originality.  

Story Structure [ 60 / 75]

Point of View Coordination: There was only one point of view and for the most part it was executed fine.

Realism (in terms of story setting): Nothing to say since you actually did structure the story well and didn’t suddenly throw a random setting into it.

Functionality: You didn’t particularly allow your readers to consider the possibilities. A lot of the time you were focused on clearly explaining what your character was thinking and feeling. Yunho was basically an open book (no pun intended).

I understand that it was first person but Yunho had been confused about his feelings for Jaejoong so that uncertainty should have been highlighted more.Since you were allowing us deep insight to Yunho’s mind, his emotional distress had room to grow and take the spotlight.

Style [ 45 / 60 ]

Personality: Think about strengthening your voice and style of writing. The plot was constructed fine but your execution was lacking. Other authors have the reverse problem so don’t feel as if I’m picking on you particularly. If you write more and receive more critiques, you’ll be able to find your own style. At that point, I believe you’ll be able to tell a lovelier, deeper story.

Description: It was fine. It gave the readers an idea of what the story was about but even I was surprised by the main character being a author.  

Dialogue: The dialogue was perfectly alright except for a couple of spelling/grammar mistakes.

Clichés: Your story didn’t actually touch on that many clichés.When it did though, you really hit the clichés hard. I could quite literally say I had read your situations before. Then again, this was in the context of Yunho’s written so perhaps you were going for the cliché situations? If you were then it was okay.

“Flow”: You told me that you had problems with making your piece flow so I’ll be lighter in this respect. I gave you pointers in the “Edit” I did so please refer to that.

Formatting: There was nothing outstandingly dreadful about it. I will advise you to change how you transition between Yunho’s and reality though. The “ { } “ was a bit awkward.  

Mark Downs: Style is heavily based on personality. Therefore I took off more since you still haven’t developed a strong writing style. I hope you’ll request again someday so I can give you higher marks.

Literary Devices [ 1 / 5 ]

Metaphors, similes, alliteration, aphorisms, repetition, etc. : You attempted them but for the most part there were none.

Extras/Bonuses [ 4 / -- ]

Readers Enjoyment: A quarter of your comments were thoughtful. I noticed that readers were passionate about between the main characters, but that didn’t seem like an integral part of your story. Yes, it was about but at the same time it wasn’t completely based. Your story had more meaning to it than that and I respect that you didn’t spend every chapter writing about .

Particular Snippets of…: I certainly laughed a lot. I hope it wasn’t meant to be a serious story because I was giggling throughout, especially at Yunho.

Improvement: You did grow. Look at the pointers I made and you’ll see that the number of edits decreased.

Enjoyment: I would certainly tell someone to read this if they were in need of something lighthearted and sweet and a bit ty.

Total [ 218 / 300 ]

73%

Reviewers Comments:

I think you have the potential to become a fascinating writer. Your plot was interesting and you didn’t turn it into a o by making Jaejoong come on to Yunho at the end when he found out about the story. I was actually expecting something like a o but you surprised me.

Also, your character’s voice was very evident. Certainly if you paid more attention and took the time to carefully consider “Would he really say this?” then the consistency of the personality would be more impressive.

Please request again sometime. I would truly love to see your improvements over time. If you do not request ever again though, I wish you the best of luck. I’m positive you’re capable of far greater pieces.