(RE-UPLOAD)

Review Shop Criteria

Title [ 8 / 10 ]

Creativity:Well, it’s a very straightforward title. The only problem is that it will attract a certain audience of -crazy teenagers. If you’re writing for that particular group of people then the title if fine. On the other hand, if you’re writing because you want people to actually read your story then it would be good to consider a less suggestive title.

From a writer’s perspective, I would really hope you’re not writing just for the sake of and that’s why I would take off points. If it’s supposed to be totally based without any plot then I’ll give you back those two points.

Characters [ 32 / 50 ]

Development:This story appears to be about lust and and therefore the character development ends up faltering. Well, considering your genre appears to be simply a “ual encounter” I suppose you didn’t mean to move beyond the basic character structures?

Then again, this might be a poor assumption considering your description talks about some rather dark character details as well as possible “true love”.

Ricky: There are some contradicting points of his character. He’s described as innocent yet he finds himself begging for Changjo the night they start rooming together. Although this isn’t completely impossible, the character you’ve built for Ricky cannot mesh with the casual, lustful boy you’ve written for the majority of the scenes – which came rather quickly.

Changjo: He very obviously wants to get into Ricky’s pants. There hasn’t been much more revealed about his character, except for flashes of deviousness and the “bad boy” attitude. You have also developed him in a way that he’s seen as extremely -driven and sensual. The descriptions and actions were spot on, but his abrupt sweetness towards Ricky makes little sense.

Relationship:The way you developed their relationship can be seen as a tad too fast. Although the story has sudden moments of tenderness, there are too many ual situations to consider the romantic scenes noteworthy. There immediate attraction to one another emotionally is also confusing since nearly everything before that can be seen as lust for physical relief. There are many loop holes to fill in and I’m hoping they will be with future chapters since you’re only on Chapter 5.

Voice:They are distinctly different.

Mark Downs: Their inconsistency is the main downfall. Ricky can be innocent but if he’s innocent, he should be expected to be taken advantage of by Changjo. However, Ricky is seen to start touching himself willingly which defeats the image of innocence.

Changjo on the other hand is a sensual “god-like” figure that tempts Ricky into the ual exploration because he personally wants to have . The problem then becomes why he finds himself getting soft and sweet for a virtual stranger.

Grammar/Spelling [ 14 / 25 ]

Correct Usage:You have moments of over clarification. These are mainly found in the profoundly large paragraphs you write about their feelings, the setting, plot, etc. It’s not particularly bad, but you’re almost trying too hard to make sense of things. If you leave some room for readers to envision the story, you’ll avoid making minor grammatical error and you’ll probably save quite a bit of time on unnecessary explanations.

From chapter 1:

Ricky in return kicked the older's arse and ran to a spare seat to save himself from the same happening to him.

If you take out “from the same happening to him” your readers can still understand what you’re saying. It’s usually better to be clear and concise rather than wordy and flowery.

Mr Kang swirled his seat around and flashed that familiar smile everybody was used too however it did nothing to break the ice…

The above example isn’t actually wordy, it’s just incorrect usage of the word “too”. It may have been a slip up, but if it wasn’t, here’s the rule:

Too= also, or a surplus of something (example: I was there, too! There are too many people.)

To = towards, or giving (example: I am giving this to you. I am going to the store. )

Two = the number

His name is Choi Jonghyun, he goes by Changjo though, he's 15, meaning he's the youngest out of you and he's a new trainee, he's only been with T.O.P Media for a month but he is super talented and completely ready to debut, now when you meet him, which will be later, it might be a bit of a shock, for starters he doesn't look 15, secondly he is very mature and manly for his age, as well as tall, and thirdly he is quiet and somewhat shy

In this case, you are using the commas in a way that’s somewhat inappropriate for the current situation. When you string several thoughts together in a continuous stream like you have done in the above example, you’re making readers rush through the part. Without regular breaks like period or semi-colons, your explanation ends up sounding like a very long word.

When using commas, consider what relevance each clause has and why you would want your reader to read them all together. Right now, you’re relating his name, origin, musical background, personality, and appearance as if all of these components are the same thing. Even though they all have a common attachment to Changjo as a person, his name, appearance, etc. are completely different details.

Changjo rubbed his own bulge through his briefs and Ricky held his breathe at the site,

NOTE: “site” should be “sight”

This is also a funny one that I would love to tell you the rule to. I’m not sure if this was also a slip of the typing, but anyway, here you go:

“Site” is a computer website

“Sight” is to see or visualize through your eyes

“Cite” is to give credit to sources you have borrowed from in reference (for book reports or stories, etc.)

Tenses:You’re not really confused as far as I can tell. Again, your over clarifications are the only times I become confused by your tense usage. It’s as if you’re struggling to press a point, and end up pouring out everything that you possibly can to make us readers understand.

So if you refrain from worrying about our levels of confusion, you’ll be more aware of slip ups in tense.

Mark Downs: There were serious issues with punctuation. Everything else read fine, but areas such as pacing and character development and organization were affected by the improper comma and period usage.

As I stated above, readers will see the commas as your way of conveying “Don’t stop reading!” and will end up rushing through paragraphs of thought. It makes comprehension difficult. It also it messes up the story’s over all flow.  

Plot [ 37.5 / 75 ]

Intrigue:Your plot was sculpted around the idea of . I can say it is enticing and your readers appear to agree with that statement.

Originality:Unfortunately, there are many stories out there these days that build around , having , and turning into possible love. It’s a well-worn plot that has taken many shapes and titles but in the end, every story that revolves around lust will be just that, lust.

I admit that Fanfiction without can be boring, but with comes the understanding that detailed scenes are only meant to drive the crazed fantasies of fans. is completely unnecessary when it comes to writing a thoughtful story and therefore a story that is -based cannot fulfill the criteria for an “original” story.

Mark Downs: I quite literally cut 75 in half – half for interest, and half for originality.

Story Structure [ 63 / 75]

Point of View Coordination: Your point of view is fine.

Realism (in terms of story setting): There’s nothing outstandingly far-fetched since you have already established just what type of AU ual Encounters takes place in.

Functionality: Refer to the grammar section for more details, but yes, there is room for you to improve. The amount of “breathing room” you give your readers is limited and we end up more confused than understanding. You want so badly for us to see your vision that your vision ends up blurring from over specifications.  

Style [ 33 / 60 ]

Personality:There’s still room for you to develop. However, you are in the raw stages of stylistic writing. As I was reading your story, I noticed that you’re a description writer and that’s definitely an interesting approach. Not many writers these days rely on description so it’s fascinating to see someone refrain from dialogue. If you continue writing and practicing as you are right now, you’ll definitely see an improvement and maturity in your style.

Description: Although they look healthy and full of detail, there’s a great lack thereof at some points. Please do not misunderstand when I say your diction, or word choice, is weak at times. I am not telling you to go puke up a thesaurus to sound more sophisticated. A story can be perfect with small, clear words. Word choice is only one part of writing.

What I’m trying to get across is the need to vary your words. There are several instances of repetition that isn’t purposefully done and end up reading somewhat distastefully. Your readers will feel as if they’re re-reading the same thing over and over again because of a single, over-used word.

Consider looking back at your descriptive paragraphs and noting how many times you use the same word without meaning to. Sometimes, as writers, we slip up in our urgency to get all thoughts down, that we end up forgetting to check if we were being too blunt with our style.

Here’s just one example that I stumbled upon while rereading Chapter 2: Changjo stood there completely topless in tight jeans, he stood completely

The proximity of “completely” makes the sentence choppy and then it was accompanied by “stood” twice as well.

I did note that you cut down the wordiness as chapters progressed and there is an increase in real detail.

Dialogue: Your dialogue is limited and when it is given, you offer the barest minimum information. From a completely non-grammatical view point your scarce dialogue is perfectly fine.

Clichés: Lust is one of the greatest clichés in Fanfiction. There’s nothing you can really do with this, and you also used this cliché on purpose. If you wanted to write a cliché story, then there’s no one to tell you, you can’t. There are certainly times when writing something fun and easy is better than a lack luster but unique story.

However, this type of cliché lends very little to your style as a writer.

“Flow”: As I stated before, the pacing is messed up by the dialogue and grammar but overall, you do move slowly and with great precision. It’s obvious that you understand what’s going on in your story, especially the scenes. Your plot is based on those scenes and the extensiveness of them proves your ability to control the pace of your story.

Formatting:Honestly, I sort of wish the print and paragraph breaks could come more often for easier reading. I understand that readers often have trouble pushing themselves to read a story when the paragraphs are too thick.

Mark Downs: The formatting and flow were major issues. There were good and bad parts to both of them, but in terms of formatting, you should also consider what you’re talking about in each vast paragraph. There are probably enough contrasting details to break them into smaller chunks.

The cliché section was also definitive to the grade in this portion of the rubric.

Literary Devices [ 3 / 5 ]

Metaphors, similes, alliteration, aphorisms, repetition, etc. : Some

Extras/Bonuses [ 2 / -- ]

Readers Enjoyment: There are a few comments that don’t center on a -call.

Particular Snippets of…: The way you portrayed the temptation scene of Changjo touching himself to arouse Ricky was well written. It was one of the most easily visualized scenes thus far.

Improvement:Your writing calmed down and it became easier to understand your lengthy explanations of the scenes.

Enjoyment:I liked it. Subscribing may be a different story since I’m not particularly “into” Teen Top.

Total [ 192.5 / 300 ]

64%

Reviewer’s Comments:

The two main components I would tell you to pay close attention to are:

1. Style, because you’re so incredibly close to forming a one-of-a-kind way of writing. With a little more time and experience with writing, you’ll be able to see and feel that your words are becoming your own and the sentences are uniquely yours as well.

2. Lengthy description, because it’s beautiful when you get it perfect but when you falter by specifying too many things, the entire portion crumbles.

This may be none of my business, but I came across your review by another Shop and I would just like to say that that review is absurd. I do not mean to glorify my own review, I only want to tell you that there is no reason a reviewer should offer their own opinions during a review.

Please correct me if I’m wrong, but writers come to reviewers because he or she expects constructive criticism that will result in him or her writing better in the future. Am I incorrect in this assumption? Truly, I have never thought that any writer cares what I think. After all, I’m a stranger. Why should my opinion matter? I, as a reviewer, am only here to point our errors and thoroughly explain to you why and how to correct such things.

Furthermore, I see no reason to ever apprehend a person for a boring plot. There is no such thing as a boring plot. That’s a completely opinionated statement and has no place in any review. (This is more of a general thing so I’m sorry for ranting.)