STORY LINK

(30 Chapters - On Going)

Requested: February 28, 2012

Completed: March 30, 2012

Review Shop Criteria

Title [ 8 / 10 ]

Creativity:There are a few different interpretations for this title, but you appear to give a straight forward meaning in the description. That’s not necessarily a bad thing considering your story isn’t dark or angst. Instead, your style and story-telling is “softer” in a way.

Mark Downs: For readers, it’s sort of fun to try and figure out what a title indicates. Most of the time, a title should reflect the underlying message or storyline that you want your readers to go “Oh!” over when it finally clicks. That’s why it would be beneficial to create a title that can give readers something to ponder over.

Characters [ 45 / 50 ]

Development:

Dara: She’s relatively strong and realistic. Also, her maturity level is impressive since most authors often force their main characters into a weeping, sobbing mess to add to the drama. Thus far, it is clear that Dara has more important obligations than love and she balances them fairly. Her reactions to love are also interesting since most main characters end up mulling over every little thing and become obsessed with what they should do. Perhaps she just hasn’t reached that point yet, but I wouldn’t be sure.

G-Dragon: The way he and Dara work together is very pleasant to read. Their chemistry is interesting. As for G-Dragon’s actual personality, he’s becoming unveiled to the readers bit by bit and it’s wonderfully paced. His attitude when it comes to Dara is cute as well and not overly cheesy or dramatized which is often a worry when it comes to stories where the main character has multiple love interests.

Nichkhun: You’ve established where he stands and it’s very easy to pick out when he’s speaking or thinking. He’s sort of conniving in the beginning and it goes to show where he values his relationships. However, later on it appears that he’s taking better consideration for Wooyoung’s feelings and it’s nice to see that when they finally reveal everything, extra drama doesn’t ensue. It’s a very adult and realistic conversation.

Wooyoung: He’s probably the loudest or most vibrant of your characters, but also the most immature. This is good though since you appear to be trying to portray him as an almost lovesick boy trying to get Dara’s attention.

Thunder: He’s simply adorable. There isn’t more to say except that he’s the ideal little brother in this story and his portrayal when he’s with the rest of MBLAQ is understandable and humorous.

Voice:Your characters have really strong voices. The minor characters tend to blend together but that’s to be expected as you appear to have put emphasis on make your main characters prominence.

Mark Downs:Their feelings and reasons for doing what they do aren’t very clear. And although it is good to pace your story, thirty chapters have passed and it’s still a bit unclear why each man loves her so much. It can be inferred but it would also be beneficial to define just how they love her.

For instance, at times all of their descriptions of how they love her are similar but they should all be a bit different. G-Dragon’s depth of love is the only definitive one among the male leads. His intentions are clearer and more concise.

Wooyoung and Nichkhun seem to bear similar definitions of love and what they wish to get from Dara. That isn’t a bad thing but it would be nice to see how they individually view “love”.

I’m not positive if this makes sense. If it doesn’t, then please ignore it.

Grammar/Spelling [ 23 / 25 ]

Correct Usage:Your mistakes are random at best. There’s nothing particularly foul about your grammar.

Tenses:You make very minor mistakes that may be overlooked when reading quickly so perhaps that’s what happened when you were writing? Either way, you have a basic grasp of sticking with tenses so there really isn’t anything to point out.

Plot [ 45 / 75 ]

Intrigue:Your readers appear to be interested and thoughtful. The level of interest is high overall based on the reaction of the public. Furthermore, the plot is attractive for many people who are looking for a dramatic romance.

Originality:The plot is most likely enjoyed due to the cliché part of it. One female lead is loved by all the male leads, has been done several times over and although it is not a bad plot, it has been used over again and can be seen only as “cliché”.

Unfortunately this happens a lot where interest and originality conflict.

Mark Downs: Literally, intrigue and originality were split in half with a few extra points added because although your plot is overused, it has been redone in a more cunning away.

Story Structure [ 73 / 75]

Point of View Coordination: There’s nothing wrong with your P.O.V.

Realism (in terms of story setting): Please excuse my personal connection here. Normally I would be as objective as possible but in this case I would like to make it clear that this idea of multiple men loving one woman is actually possible. If it hadn’t been for this past February, I would’ve marked your story as unrealistic. However, due to certain circumstances I’ve come to realize that your very plot is very possible.

That is why I will say your story is rather realistic.

Functionality: For the most part you try to lead your readers through the story with every single detail laid out. Of course, this is not necessarily a bad thing. It could be good to give readers some breathing room though, because many over clarified ideas or descriptions aren’t important to understanding the scene.

If you give readers a bit more room to stretch and imagine, they may be able to connect with the story even more and love the characters more.

Style [ 43 / 60 ]

Personality:There’s surely a spark to your writing. It can be somewhat generic at times but all authors are like that. It’s difficult to keep a strong and steady voice throughout a story therefore yours has an overall impact.

Description: When describing, be careful about how you indicate who is speaking as well as word choice. It’s fine to be clear and use everyone’s names, but sometimes it’s good to vary everything so your sentence structures are more interesting, if that makes sense.

Also, it’s not important to use big words or astounding words, just find simple synonyms in order to prevent the use of one word over and over again in a single paragraph.

Furthermore, it’s okay to give readers some room to guess because over clarification can break the rhythm of the story.

"Hey." Taeyang was the first one to speak. They were all shocked on how they saw each other, they got silent for a few seconds. It was Seungri who broke the silence.

The word “silence” could be inferred the second time so using another word like “it” would’ve been understandable as well. So it could’ve been: “Seungri was the one who broke it.” Just to cut down on wordiness.

Dialogue: Do be careful about giving characters their own paragraph. Even if it feels as if their statements are meant to be back to back, it’s surely not the case from a completely formatting point of view. All characters and all statements no matter how closely related, require their own paragraph and you appear to understand that but once every few lines you will combine two character dialogues in one paragraph.

Clichés: You reinvent clichés so I suppose the only real cliché would be the multiple suitors.

“Flow”: Your pacing is pretty much spot on, if not a bit slow. However, slow is probably better than fast.

Formatting:Your spacing is fine.

Literary Devices [ 2 / 5 ]

Metaphors, similes, alliteration, aphorisms, repetition, etc. : Some.

Extras/Bonuses [ 3 / -- ]

Readers Enjoyment: Your readers are very thoughtful and that’s wonderful. Comments like the ones you receive are certainly better than any story with thousands of subscribers but one line comments in bulk.

Particular Snippets of…: I’m a G-Dragon fan girl and when he kissed Dara I was smiling and giggling. You wrote him very well in that scene.  In fact, your entire depiction of G-Dragon was good.

Improvement:You’re rather consistent throughout the thirty chapters so far.

Enjoyment:I wouldn’t have sought it out but it really is a nice story. Your characters are what bring this story to life so please, be very proud of what you’ve written.

Total [ 242 / 300 ]

81%

Reviewer’s Comments:

Please punch me in the face. I am a cruel, heartless, bastard (excuse my language). The sheer amount of idiocy and laziness I carry is completely unacceptable and therefore I am sincerely apologetic for taking this long to get you your review.

I cannot help but wish somehow I could bow down and tell you how sorry I am. There are few excuses I hold that could explain why it took me so long to finish this.