Abominable

By: TheLaughingKirby

Requested: October 28, 2012

Completed: November 4, 2012

Area of Help: Dialogue, Description, Emotions

Dialogue

With dialogue, the most important thing to remember is why you’re giving your character direct lines. It isn’t used to just fill space or replace description. Rather, it enhances the essence of the character and gives him or her, a true voice in the story. As important as your writing ability is, the ability to breathe life into spoken words is equally valuable.

Therefore, when writing dialogue, ask yourself three things:

1. How would he/she say this? For example, would your character’s personality make them speak properly or all in slang?
2. What is this character’s attitude? Dialogue gives you the chance to show your character in another light. If he/she is very arrogant, they would probably speak in wordier sentences. If he/she is arrogant yet cold, then maybe they would speak in short, snappy phrases.
3. Are the characters interacting naturally? Do you make the lines flow with one another or are you blatantly writing out the information you need the readers to understand? Dialogue is a place meant for the characters to develop themselves and so their lines shouldn’t be formulated to simply further the plot. It should further the character development above all else.

Description

This is where you want to further the plot. Description is often mistaken for thick paragraphs that people write in order to sound more intelligent or otherwise fill up space to lengthen their stories. Neither of those things have any place in writing.

Yes, writing is an ongoing process with editing, rephrasing and the like, however, that doesn’t mean people should be writing simply to sound as if they knew something about anything. Words are chosen carefully with a meaning. Every word and punctuation mark you use should express something about the piece on a completely new level.

Description is a beautiful concept that needs to be respected, not abused. That is why when you are writing these sections of a story, you need to remember that it isn’t to fill space. Instead, description is there to do two things:

1. Description paints the scene in any fashion you so desire. It coaxes readers into the world you’re trying to create and keeps them there as the story progresses around them.
2. Secondly, description gives you freedom to illustrate emotion. If dialogue is the raw, naturalistic expression of feelings, then description is the aching, touching, breathtaking form emotion takes in order to wrench at the hearts of readers.

Emotion

Emotion is definitely one of the hardest things to portray in a story. This is where striking that perfect balance between description and dialogue is absolutely crucial. You see, emotion is developed from the intricate threading of words and punctuation to capture the reader in a mist of awe. While in that mist, the reader must experience sharp jolts of portrayed feelings.

It’s this combination of the delicate web and the connection we have with the characters. You must make your reader sympathize with the character. That means that your character must never be too pitiful or too perfect. Just make him or her as human as possible. While we do all get annoyed with one another, those minor imperfections are what pull at our heart strings.

There aren’t any key concepts I think you should hit. Instead, just remember that emotion is derived from you as the author. If you’re not crying or laughing from the scene you’ve just written, then there’s something terribly wrong. A reader will only be truly affected with true emotion.

Title [ 10 / 10 ]

Creativity: It’s a good title and definitely resonates with your piece. There could’ve been so many other bland names, but “Abominable” gives the reader so much room to interpret.

Characters [ 30 / 50 ]

Development: This is a common concept among writers who are still in the earlier stages of writing. There is this need to clearly and bluntly explain situations and circumstances, especially in 1^st Person stories. Readers aren’t looking to be told everything right away. They aren’t in a rush to be informed. That’s the beauty of stories. You have time to stretch out feelings and experiences to keep the reader coming back for more. If your character has a tragic past, don’t throw it all out in the open immediately.

Stories are best told in two ways: 1. Exceptionally Story-Teller Style (this is where the author is very obviously leading the story) 2. Showing-Not-Telling Style (this is where the character is proceeding through their life as if no one is watching)

In your case, the story is being told from an in-between position. This may sound as if you’re getting the best of both worlds, but that’s not quite the case. There is no gray space between them. There is definitely gray space after and before them, but there is no space between them.

When you’re a Story-Teller, you take on the loudest, clearest voice. You express and control the flow through a third person point of view and are often addressing and/or acknowledging the reader as an audience member or onlooker.

When you’re a Showing-Not-Telling writer, you don’t have that connection with the audience/reader. The characters are trapped in their own world with their own private thoughts. All you are doing as the author is writing in their thoughts. Nothing should appear to be for the sake of the reader because eventually, the plot and story will progress far enough so all questions are answered.

Characters in general need to break the molds of formerly created figures. It’s a good base to understand the generic bad character and good character, but they need to reach outside of these established concepts. Humans have several sides to them and you thoroughly express that through Jessica, but your other characters lose that. Even if Jessica is the main character, she needs to have equally interesting characters to interact with.

Jessica: She has a clearly defined history and character as told through her narration. The problem is that she’s lacking emotion – as you already know. Her words are sad, yet the reader doesn’t feel that. Jessica describes her circumstances as if they’re facts of life, which in a way, reflects her somewhat tired, uncaring character. It’s clear that she has given up on happiness in the beginning of the story, but that can be expressed without the entire monologue that rains information down on us, the readers.

The other characters presented aren’t nearly as important as Jessica, and that’s a very clear fact considering everything is from her perspective, in the sense that she expresses her personal outlook on life and the people that make up her life.

Voice: It’s a 1^st person story, so of course Jessica’s voice is prominent. I don’t think it’s necessary to reiterate the emotionally-lacking aspects of this story, so just refer to the above notes.

It is important to tell you that your character’s voice grows with the progression of your story. There’s great development from when you started in comparison to your latest chapter. The emotion is becoming more prominent, so keep it up.

Mark Downs: Your characters are well developed, but they still lack their own voices since Jessica is the narrator. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing, just remember that.  

I’ve spent a lot of time combing through this section of the rubric in relation to your story. It’s a very difficult situation since your main character does have everything this rubric is looking for. The problem is that your other characters are lacking these necessary attributes.

Grammar/Spelling [ 14 / 25 ]

Correct Usage: There are some issues concerning your grammar. Based on the first few chapters and your recent chapters, here are some general notes to follow:

Your hyphen usage is a tad perplexing. Most people are unclear as to where or when they should use a hyphen. They are best used to separate, yet connect two ideas in a sentence. When you want to emphasize a phrase, you place a hyphen between it and the rest of the sentence to highlight its importance and to make the entire line read differently. It can also be used to express a side note or some other phrase that doesn’t quite fit with the rest of the sentence, but adds a touch of character to the line.

For example, you wrote: …while peeling apples for him (that is his second favorite fruit).

This could easily be turned into a hyphenated phrase: “…while peelings apples from him – which is his second favorite fruit.”

A lot of your sentences tend to skip over necessary nouns. Most of them are missing direct objects.

He looks like he I imagining it as a sky, looking for clouds in shape.

He tries to change the topic but I can still see in his eyes that there is something he wants to tell.

In both of these instances, you can see that words have been dropped. If you wanted to leave them in these forms though, you would have to change the form of some of the words here.  In the second sentence, there needs to be a clarifying term for “tell” to work with. Who is being told what? There is no object for “tell” to coincide with.

If you don’t want to include another word, then “tell” must change to “say”. When using a word like “tell,” you’re implying that there is an object to be told. There isn’t though. Instead, he just wants to say something of importance.

Two options:

He tries to change the topic but I can still see in his eyes that there is something he wants to tell me.

He tries to change the topic but I can still see in his eyes that there is something he wants to say.

You replace “is” with “I” more than once. I’m not sure if you’ve noticed or if it’s just a typo of sorts, but it wouldn’t hurt to point it out. “Is” and “I” are not synonymous and shouldn’t be thought of in such a way. There is a huge difference between the two words.

Use of ellipsis (“…”): This is used to omit a word or express the incompletion of a phrase. There’s no other use for it, so be careful of that. Furthermore, ellipsis’s only come in sets of three, so using only two dots doesn’t cut it, or does using just one do – that just makes it a period.

If she only could kill somebody with that kind of stare, I am probably dead by now.

Staring a sentence with the hypothetical “could” often means that the second half of the sentence should follow with that hypothetical concept. Instead of using present tense-active “I am”, it would be best to use “would.”

…but then realized that they were inside a cage.-they could not fly.

There cannot be two punctuation marks coinciding. A period ends a sentence. A hyphen takes a complete phrase and inserts a key concept that requires emphasis or separation with connection. In this instance, Jessica’s thoughts are “they could not fly” and so it’s alright to use.

Just delete the hyphen or delete the period so it’s properly formatted.

The night my mother had died-left me, (but I honestly do not want to believe that she died) there were hazard noises…

When using parentheses, consider first why you are using it. Hyphens are there for the purpose of adding that extra information that seems like a side note or thought that didn’t quite fit in with the preceding sentence. Right now, you’re using parentheses to do just that.

It’s an oddity that would be best addressed. Instead of parentheses, the piece will be more pleasing to the eye if you used the hyphen. A hyphen can even be used in the middle of a sentence.

For example: “The night my mother had died-left me – but I honestly do not want to believe that she died – there were hazard noises…”

 On another note, the form of “hazard” should be “hazardous” because it’s acting as an adjective for “noises.”

Past vs. Passed

“Past” refers to the former time or action. As in, something previously existed. An example: This is done in a past time.

“Passed” denotes the completion of something or the shifting by of something. An example: She passed him in the hallway.

I really did not mesmerize by his good looks.

In the context above, “mesmerize” is being used as an active verb that she is doing. Instead, “mesmerize” should be acting upon her.

I really am not mesmerized by his good looks.

This expresses that she is not being mesmerized instead of the original sentence which says that she is doing the mesmerizing.  

Tenses: When using 1^st person present tense, it’s difficult to stick with it. In this way, you consistently switch back and forth between present tense and past tense, making the entire story read rather strangely. Be very careful with what you choose to use because it has to be either one or the other. When tenses are fumbled, they create a warped time period and your story needs to be solidified in a distinct time period – this is, of course, based on your style of writing that has been shown thus far.

The only time it’s alright to switch tenses is when you’re shifting back and forth between the past incidents and present time. To do this properly, you have to make clear distinctions between the two parts. Right now, you mix them together within her thoughts, but then randomly shift out of it. Even if the story has specified that past tense means it’s a flashback, you still need to be clear with your readers by diligently separating those things.

Plot [ 40 / 75 ]

Intrigue: Your plot is very strong. Generally, people will have one or the other: Characters or Plot. This story is more focused on the plot and therefore it’s very strong. This is most likely because you’re still lacking in your ability to portray emotions and characters.

Originality: This story is probably enjoyed because of the twists and turns of the tale. There is a certain reinvention of the clichés or rather you just take your time in writing out the scenes instead of rushing through everything. At the root of the story though, it’s still cliché.

To put it blatantly, the plot is powerful, of course, but the originality of this plot is not there. It’s a girl who has lost her parents, been forced into the home of abusive relatives, and further pushed into ion. Within the realm of fan fiction, these are cornerstones of almost every dark story.

Story Structure [ 70 / 75]

Point of View Coordination: Yes, you have one point of view.

Realism (in terms of story setting): You are very concise when it comes to keeping things in line. There aren’t unnatural outbursts or hectic shifts. Everything seems to be in order. Be sure that you’re verifying information and concepts you personally haven’t experienced. ion and the underground scene are very fun and interesting to write and read, but you have to be accurate in your portrayal of what goes on. This is not to say that you’re wrong about every single detail, there are just random moments where details might seem a tad strange or exaggerated.

Furthermore, be aware of the true nature of an abused girl. This is very serious topic that you’ve chosen to write about, so your writing has to reflect that. Yes, it’s still fun and fan fiction, but abuse, ion, and illegal matters need to be written about with a deeper understanding that these things really do happen. Jessica is portrayed like Cinderella who suddenly has a modern twist in which she doesn’t go to the ball, but rather goes into the underworld of secret dealings.

Functionality: You definitely keep the readers on the line. It’s very impressive that you’re pacing the story in such a way.

Style [ 37 / 60 ]

Personality: You and your co-author combined have a much stronger voice. If you continue working at it, your writing will speak volumes. At the moment, you’re still missing that magic needed to make a story truly resonate with someone. As you continue writing, you’ll mature and understand bit by bit what it means to mold yourself into a unique author.

Description: A lot of your description is fine, just pay attention to the advice at the beginning of this review. Be careful about just filling space with mindless description, especially scenery description. Many times, people think that describing a scene is just for kicks and giggles, but it’s not. The scene is a necessary part of the story.

If it’s a break up scene, then the weather and location should reflect a somber, broken feeling. If it’s a proposal, then certainly there should be a romantic atmosphere or mood. The creation of these things is done through proper description. That also does not necessarily mean you need to detail every single rose or cloud or star in the scene. Just focus on what key aspects will resonate with the reader.

Dialogue: Your dialogue has a purpose, but the way in which it’s written doesn’t denote that purpose. Read the notes about how to write dialogue in the above Area of Help section of your review. There isn’t much else I have to say concerning this topic.

Clichés: There are reinvented clichés mixed in with the normal clichés. This isn’t bad, per se. Just continue reinventing things and surely you’ll be fine in the future.

“Flow”: Your pacing is fine.

Formatting: The formatting has gotten better since the beginning. Since this is technically a fan fiction, it’s almost a requirement to make it reader friendly, and that means paragraph breaks that are prominent and words that aren’t tiny and single spaced.

Literary Devices [ 4 / 5 ]

Metaphors, similes, alliteration, aphorisms, repetition, etc. : Good job.

Extras/Bonuses [ 2 / -- ]

Readers Enjoyment: Your readers are apparently enjoying it.

Particular Snippets of…: The foreword was well written.

Improvement: You definitely improved as you went along.

Enjoyment: Unfortunately, I don’t often read fan fiction (weird, right?). When I do read fan fiction, it’s all boyXboy pairings, so please excuse me.

Total [ 207 / 300 ]

69%

Reviewer’s Comments:

While slinking around your story, I noticed the other reviews you have received. Upon finding them, I learned that you’re still eleven? That’s interesting. I was a bit surprised that you’re so young, but I want to make it clear that I treated your piece as I would any other piece.

I intend to let you know exactly what you should focus on as you get older and develop into a better writer. Please continue with what you’re doing because I know that at your age, I was just as enthusiastic about writing stories. It would be beautiful if your passion for this art form never faded.