Untitled by ctrl_me
Clockwork Reviews and Tutorials [BUSY](24 Chapters)
Requested: January 24, 2012
Completed: January 27, 2012
Title [ 3 / 10 ]
Creativity:I’m not quite sure why it’s called Untitled. Perhaps you didn’t know what a good title would be? If you have a good reason for it being called, ”Untitled” please inform me. I won’t give you back points for the explanation though, because as an unknowing reader I have no idea how Untitled relates to the story. If I somehow missed the context connection then I’m sorry and will retract this statement.
Characters [ 28 / 50 ]
Development:
Jung Ae:She’s a bit too erratic personality-wise. At times she’s calm and cool without any rhyme or reason and then suddenly she’ll be shedding tears that are described in a completely different voice. Her, as a character, has little appeal in terms of intrigue. Also, since she’s the narrator, she doesn’t explain herself enough. Many of her decisions, feelings, and words are not clarified and although they may, may sense to you, the author, readers will feel lost.
Furthermore, she says a lot of things that should come off sweeter and more honest but the scarcity of description created a lack of emotional connection to her.
He nodded and smiled. His smile made my heart skip a beat.
See, in the above example it’s a very kind expression of feeling but it just doesn’t touch the heart. It’s as if she’s a robot that’s incapable of feeling emotion. Or better yet, she’s very indifferent.
Leeteuk:He tends to repeat himself a lot. I thought it was once or twice but he kept doing it. When he interacts with Jung Ae he’ll tell her something and then she’ll respond and then he’ll say it again and walk off to actually do it.
At times, he will also gets bursts of personality for whatever reason but a lot of the time he’s very compliant and bland. As a character, he changes the most, or at least, you expand on his character more than any of the others which is a plus.
Kyuhyun: He had a best friend sort of personality, rather normal. I did like that he still treated her as a friend after all of the confession stuff. His role, I felt, should’ve been greater but he played the helping hand without any personal intentions. I do believe that selfless people like that exist, however he said he had been in love with Jung Ae for 7 years yet he easily let her go and even helped her get with another man. Even if he loves her dearly, surely he had to feel something more, something that is selfish and passionate perhaps.
Voice:They do have different voices, but all of their voices are lacking in stunning personality. For the future, consider writing descriptions of each character. That does not mean post the descriptions, just use them as reference when you’re writing each person.
Grammar/Spelling [ 15 / 25 ]
Correct Usage:This isn’t a particularly devastating usage problem but it was overused. “Ne” is a good phrase to increase the natural rhythm of dialogue and thought but you used it so much. Another word that was too often used: “Mianhae”.
Things you may have missed are as follows:
The surrounding’s making me nauseated.
NOTE: Surroundings with apostrophe “s” imply that the surroundings are in possession of something. In this case, you want to just use “surroundings”
Maybe I should sleep now and take a rest.
NOTE: There’s no real usage problem here but I just wanted to tell you that you don’t need to put “sleep” and “rest” to make sense of the sentence. When you put both of those words the thought becomes a tad redundant.
I and my friends decided to meet near the campus’ field.
NOTE: Normally, you should put “My friends” before “I”. It will read better as well.
Tenses:I’ve realized that people have problems with writing 1st POV. The grammar is strange and therefore can cause issues with proper tense usage. But here’s the golden rule: No matter what POV, always use just one tense. Even if you think that it’s a present tense thought, still write it in past tense, otherwise you’ll end up with improper grammar.
I sat back on the couch and sighed. I’m feeling better now.
NOTE: You switched between past and present tense. Even though the present tense sentence is a personal thought and not description, you still have to stay consistent with tense. It may sound odd to have your characters think in past tense, but that’s the proper way.
“I don’t want!” I answered.
NOTE: Don’t want what? The sentence doesn’t have a direct object to complete it. There’s quite a bit of room for confusion when you leave out such a important part of speech.
Plot [ 62 / 75 ]
Intrigue:It was interesting to an extent but then the search for Leeteuk dragged on for quite a while. The original idea of 30 Days to fall in Love was far more eye-catching even if it lost some of its originality that way.
Originality:I will admit that since you did the whole searching for Leeteuk thing you deserve reasonable praise. I had not expected their search to last so long and to face so many failures. Also, I do realize that “Intrigue” and “Originality” are somewhat opposing comments but they are very different things and I will treat them as such.
Story Structure [ 58 / 75]
Point of View Coordination: You keep a consistent POV, except for the sudden Leeteuk POV on Day 27. I know why you did it but you broke a very long string of Jung Ae 1st Person. And now there are abruptly 2 POVs. Understandably, you want to show both sides but the consistency is no longer there. Then, you went on to give Kyuhyun a POV as well.
Realism (in terms of story setting): From what I can tell, it’s a dramatized version of school life. However there are instances where things stray a bit too much. The terms of their agreement branching to marriage were very rash and strange. Also, the hunt for Leeteuk was rather interesting but out of place from your original story line of school life. I’m not saying it was a bad touch but there was surely a sense of ill-fit.
Functionality: You actually did leave a lot for us to wonder about, which is both good and bad; bad because you left us with too much and good because you didn’t lay out everything.
Style [ 28 / 60 ]
Personality:There’s room for you to grow stylistically. I dare say I would not be able to point your story out if I were given a piece by you without the author name. Definitely consider how to draw readers in using a writing style that is uniquely your own – void of any trickery like font color, sizing, or basic font-style. Keep writing and practicing and eventually you’ll find a way to write that is uniquely your own.
Description: You’re actually missing a great deal of description. I can understand a fast-paced writing style but every story has a need for at least minimal setting description. In the first chapter, for example, I have no idea how Leeteuk got into her home. Is she living in a dorm? Is her door naturally unlocked? Without description, readers will be confused even if you completely understand what is going on. It may seem like a waste of space, but sometimes you have to offer up information that may not directly further the plot.
Dialogue: Although there are few mentions of what the characters are doing as they are talking, you did give each one their due paragraphs and made it clear who was speaking. Your characters dialogue was straight to the point and for the most part was not used for filler space.
Clichés: You followed some clichés but you somewhat reinvented them so that was good. I didn’t find anything stunningly similar to general plots/scenes/etc.
“Flow”: This could go either way. In terms of fast-paced storytelling, it’s fine. On the other hand, there are instances where things are moving ridiculously fast. By Day 3, Leeteuk and your Main Character are already rooming together. Furthermore, there isn’t much explanation aside from him being unhappy and bothered by fan girls and then getting reassigned by her room.
You really crashed into the conclusion of the story. Although it was planned, the ending was lacking in timing and proper pacing.
Formatting:Your formatting is clear but I am incredibly bothered by your changing font colors. Did you do it for a certain reason because I couldn’t find one? If you did it out of boredom or for the visual effect, then I would advise that you refrain from doing so. It sort of hurts the eyes and at times becomes difficult to read, especially that pink font.
Literary Devices [ 1 / 5 ]
Metaphors, similes, alliteration, aphorisms, repetition, etc. : One or two, maybe?
Extras/Bonuses [ 3 / -- ]
Readers Enjoyment: The readers appeared excited but at the same time each comment was lacking in thought. Some were expressive but many were just anticipating. Personally, I found the first half of the story entertaining, that is, when they were just meeting and living together.
Particular Snippets of…: Whenever they spoke about the agreement. I thought that was the most thrilling part of the story
Improvement:Your characterizing of Jung Ae strengthened considerably.
Enjoyment:I most likely would not have read this had I not been prompted, mainly because I don’t read “Straight” couple stories. However, I was not too annoyed by the female character so good job in that respect. I’m very picky about female leads.
Total [ 198 / 300 ]
66%
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