My Name is Her

By: pandoralacey

Requested: June 22, 2014

Completed: June 23 2014

Review Type: Fanfiction

**This was not graded on a Serious Review scale. I do understand your feelings of wanting to be taken seriously and I am going to be taking your writing seriously. However, as you have stated in your story, English is not your first language so grammatical errors are more apparent. Therefore, please do not be offended. The Fanfiction Review Scale is meant for beginning writers who are just starting to understand the complexities of English grammar and I will do all that I can to help you in that respect, along with the many other problems you have pointed out and I have noticed.

Area of Help: Grammar, Structure, Creation, Character Development

These will be expanded on in detail further down.

Grammar: On a general level, reading many books written in English is the best way to improve your writing. It’s a time-consuming task, but it’s also the most effective. Do not read fanfiction to learn English either. Find a proper book or even an officially English translated version of manga books or comic books work as well. These are all tools to improve your English. I also didn’t speak English as a first language and my vocabulary improved because I read so much manga as a child. The bottom line is to read published works.

Structure: Stories are based around the telling and sequence of events. This is a much broader topic than can be explained in general terms. However, the best way to explain structure would be to advise you toward outlining your story’s main points. This way, you can avoid plot holes and similar situations.

Creation: Similar to structure, creation is very broad. When you have a great idea and you really want to develop it, the best thing to do is consider all the “threads of thought”. That means to look at the various paths the story can take. If you need a visual, get a piece of paper or open up a Word Document and start writing out all the different scenarios your one idea can produce. This usually leads to an array of new ideas and by creating so many threads of ideas you can start piecing them together to make an even greater story.

This is a very abstract explanation, but it’s the best way I can think to phrase it. If you’re looking for ideas on how to stretch out a plotline or elaborate on a plotline, the advice above is still valuable. It’s the same process every time you’re writing. Thinking about the story and characters and the hundreds of scenes that can be produced from it is the only way to weave a complex story.

Character Development: Actual characters are created almost fully prior to the writing of a story, which I’m sure you already know. Their basic outlines, likes and dislikes, quirks, etc. should be understood and how a character is developed from there happens within the story. However, development is the actual acting out of all their characteristics. Those character outlines/profiles are for the author alone and no one else. It’s a reference point, but how those outlines become clear to the reader is through build-up and planning within the story’s context.

The only way to develop a character is to give them time to develop. This involves so many more things, such as the plot and the character’s relationships with everyone around him/her. How a character reacts to the events going on around them is what makes a character original/individual.

Specifications: Scenes that are dragging

There’s only one scene that seemed to be dragging on, but it’s hard to tell currently because it could become a major plot point later on in the story. This is referring to the Marvel scene. But again, that wasn’t necessarily dragging on because if it’s expanded on later, then it was worth keeping it in.

Be careful of being wordy with your sentences though. It’s very easy to get caught up in the writing aspect of creating a story and so sentences end up very long or overly explained. Make sure to get to the point rather than stretching a sentence out when it could be explained in a more concise way.

That doesn’t mean you have to eliminate your style of writing for clarity. Just think about how to get your message across without weighing down the flow of the story with too much clarification.

Title [ 9 / 10 ]

Creativity: The title is appropriate and alludes to what you have shown to be the most important aspect of your story: names. It doesn’t give anything away.

However, the problem is that My Name is Her can be confusing grammatically. The story indicates that Annerain feels that her name belongs to Aennrain. Therefore, the title would be My Name is Hers’ which gives possession of “Name” to Aennrain. If that’s what you meant, then the title needs to be edited.

If that’s not what you meant, then it’s fine.

Characters [ 30 / 50 ]

Development: There are character descriptions, kind of, but they don’t hurt the actual story telling. There hasn’t been enough about them, but the characters are slowly being revealed chapter by chapter.

Aennrain is very human, that is, believable. Her mindset in the prologue is perfectly understandable. Not helping Annerain made more sense than any alternative, especially because they barely knew each other. When you include their ages and Aennrain’s history with her father, it was only logical that she chose her own well-being over a stranger’s. The time-skip shows Aennrain as someone who has gotten into an affair with a married man. She also says that she’s pregnant, which is a detail quickly forgotten in the mess of introducing characters and shifting the attention back to Annerain.

It will probably be expanded on later in the story, however it was thrown into the story suddenly and without much background. It’s a detail that loses importance simply because the character hasn’t been given enough time to demonstrate her personality to readers. Therefore, it’s important to remember that bigger plot points need to be given time to unfold after the characters have established themselves within the context of the story.

Annerain is the character that has been leading the second chapter, but she’s lacking a few senses. Her behavior at the beginning demonstrates meekness and a certain shame when it comes to revealing her scar. That being said, all of this was useless character development because moments later, she becomes a blunt, sadistic person that actually wants to show off her scar to Marvel. Not enough time was given to Annerain, in terms of developing her sensitivity toward her scar and amnesia. The point about her being paranoid is also brushed over by the end of the chapter.

There are no signs of this paranoia. There are signs of her grudge against Aennrain, which has been done relatively well. However, the rest of the information given about Annerain in chapter 2 fail to stay consistent as conflict after conflict pulls away from the characters.

The problem is that their characters aren’t actually shown very much thus far. By jumping directly into a scene without much background knowledge, there are many loose threads that don’t add up. There are many problems arising all at once in a single chapter and many of the ideas are disjointed, making the characters disjointed.

These characters need more time. Although it’s understandable that you’re writing in a way to feed bits of information to the readers in a non-chronological manner, it’s still very important to build up the characters as they are presently. This means you need to establish their current attitudes, beliefs, personality, the way the walk, the way they interact with one another, the feelings they hold for other characters, and so on. Their pasts can continue being a mystery, but their current selves need to be expanded on or else the story can’t progress or even demonstrate coherency.

Voice: Voice is particularly difficult to grasp when the basics of grammar are not fully grasped. Therefore, the characters are liking distinctive speech patterns. Also, there have only been two chapters and so the voices haven’t been fully fleshed out yet.

Proper Characterization: The characters haven’t been introduced fully yet, so this is hard to explain. Furthermore, the characters are written with a base different from their real life counterparts. In fact, this story would be fine as a standalone, non-fanfiction type of story.

Grammar/Spelling [ 11 / 25 ]

Correct Usage: This will be done section by section. Also note that this is not all encompassing. These are just the major problems identified through reading the story. Make sure to apply these corrections to the rest of the text as well.

Foreword

The resemblance in their names bind them in a way they have never imagine before...

“The resemblance of their names binds them in a way they have never imagined before”

--Rather than the resemblance in their names, it is the resemblance of their names because “in” refers to the interior of the names. “Of” encompasses the names as a whole.

--“Imagined” not “imagine” because “they have never imagined before” is written in past tense and needs to be consistent.

My “name” is her , and she becomes the exemplification of my escapism

--“she becomes the exemplification” needs to be “she exemplifies” because the first part of the sentence is active present tense, therefore the second part of the sentence also needs to be active present tense.

--If you’re unsure of a word’s proper spelling form for the different tenses, then use a word that you are comfortable and confident with. Vocabulary grows over time, so don’t rush or force yourself to use new words. This is even true for native English speakers/writers.

--Another example: Rain symbolizes life and rebirth for cultures where not much rain existed.

                --You wrote “symbolizes” in active present tense, so “existed” must also be active present tense = “exists”

Vei gives a very inquisitive, restless, seeking nature.

--Vei does not “give” because the sentence is asserting Vei’s character. When asserting a person’s character/personality, you use “has” which is a possessive term. “Gives” indicates handing something away rather than indicating what a person is actually like.

Prologue - Tightrope

All I ever do when it rains is to curse

--“to curse” should be just “curse” because the “to” is implied and the sentence doesn’t need the infinitive.

Most of his acquaintances still wouldn't believe that he's actually rising up a daughter

--“rising up” should be “raising” because raising refers to child care and the implied parent-child relationship in the sentence. Rising up is meant to describe the literal ascension upward of someone or something.

“Towards” should always be “Toward” because you’re already saying that the object or person is moving toward or in the general direction of whatever they’re aiming for. Adding the “s” is an unnecessary emphasis and grammatically incorrect.

staying still won't make any changes while advancing forward is literally means to gamble your own life in order to survive.

--This is an example of the importance of word order. In most languages, word order isn’t nearly as important as it is in English. When writing in English, word order is one of the most crucial aspects of coherence.

--Another thing to look out for is the use of the infinitive. The infinitive “to gamble” should be “gambling” instead, because prior to this section of the sentence, you used “advancing” not “to advance” which sets the tone for the rest of the statement.

--“is literally” should just be “literally” without the is.

she's studious enough to recognize that this is wrong, thus stimulized her brain to react

--“stimulized” is not the proper form of stimulate. It should be “stimulating” because her brain is actively reacting to the situation. Adding “-ed” to a statement makes it past tense in most cases.

almost chokes and asphyxiates her from within

--chokes and asphyxiates are the same thing, in essence. Therefore, just pick one of them to use because choking implies suffocation/asphyxiation.

resenting at God

--It should be “resenting God”. Whenever you’re unsure about whether you have to add a word that will direct or indicate the receiver of an action/feeling, then ask yourself the following question. In this case, let’s use resentment as the verb.

--“Who is being resented?” God is being resented. The verb “resenting” cannot stand alone and already implies that there is someone or something that is receiving the resentment. Therefore it’s not necessary to add “at” to clarify who the verb is acting upon.

The Forgotten Scar

fixes her hair bangs’

--Adding an apostrophe after “bangs” implies possession. The bangs do not possess anything, and by adding “s” you are already indicating multiple bangs.

Heyya neighbours!

--This statement was made to Anne only, so it needs to be singular “neighbor”.

Her eyes are rolling and squinting at her in ily manner

--Choose between “y manner” and “ily” because currently they are mixed up in this statement.

Tenses: Look above for help with tenses.

Plot [ 68 / 75 ]

Intrigue: The story is set up in a way that leaves the readers questioning what will happen next. The description was well done.

Originality: It’s very original so far.

 Coherency: There are a few plot holes/details that just don’t add up in relation to the characters presented and the story’s flow. This new category was recently added after realizing that this rubric doesn’t include anything about the plot’s solidity.

Her brain recalls the moment that Aennrain has told her about its significance, and that it symbolize as a memorial for her late mother.

This statement is made in the prologue, but stands out because it indirectly contradicts the earlier statement: They even barely speak out though they sit adjacent to each other.

If they didn’t really speak, then it seems strange that Anne would be over at her house returning a notebook, and also that she would know what that notebook means to Aenn. Although the use of the notebook as a character developing point is understandable, it was also forced into the situation. There are loose details that have no ground in the story and therefore start to create plot holes.

The best thing to do is reread parts of your story when you remember contradictory statements or if you can’t remember important details very well. It happens to everyone, published and unpublished authors get into the flow of writing and end up racing through the plot. That’s why it’s very important to step back and check your details because a story is all about details. Without clear details, a book has no base.

Story Structure [ 64 / 75]

Point of View Coordination: It’s fine.

Realism (in terms of story setting): The prologue versus the proceeding chapter is very different, but many years have also passed so that’s understandable. It will probably be explained as the story continues, so for now nothing is amiss.

Functionality: There is plenty of mystery in this story thus far. There may actually be too much in some cases. As explained earlier, be sure to establish the characters as they currently are and make it very clear. There are points, such as Annerain’s sudden character shift when talking to Marvel, that need to be expanded on to make sense.

It’s okay to leave much of the story a mystery – especially since it’s only the second chapter, but it’s incredibly important to continue laying the foundation as you’re going. Dropping hints and explaining details makes a story vastly more coherent and interesting when compared to a story that doesn’t reveal anything and suddenly explains all of the mysteries in a rush later on.

Style [ 28 / 60 ]

Personality: It’s clear that you’re passionate about writing and making the story sound how you want it to sound – that is, elegant and intelligent. Your prose is very good for someone who isn’t a native English speaker. However, it’s okay to take your time and learn how to write the way you want little by little.

There are several passages in this story that are simply forced. This will be expanded on in the description section. Your true style of writing is being covered up by the excessive use of words that don’t fit the situation/sentence they are being used in. This could possibly be the fault of over-extending a Thesaurus or perhaps trying to bulk up the story by adding larger, more complex words. Often times, it takes years to understand the delicacies of certain words and their actual definitions. Just like in any other language, a definition applied to two words can be taken in vastly different ways.

For example, “Notices that her name is echoing amid the air, Aennrain bites her lower lips and scowls, her step has obliterated”

The word “obliterated” has been used here, but it doesn’t fit the context. “Obliterated” is a very strong word that does mean “stop/halt/ended” but the actual use of “obliterated” is reserved for expressing complete and violent annihilation of something or someone. It’s associated with explosions, complete destruction, wiping someone/something off the face of the Earth.

The bottom line is that a writer isn’t good because of their vocabulary. It’s the way in which a writer uses the words they understand and are versed in. Hemingway, the famous American author, was actually known for his style of writing that relied mainly on short sentences, terseness, and bluntness. However, it’s the way in which he used that compact vocabulary that made him wonderful.

Description:  As stated above, when describing things, try to aim for accuracy rather than eloquence. Paint a picture in any way that makes sense to you and would translate well to readers. Also, pay attention to the tone of the situation you are writing.

Example: by his own considering the title that he's being known as -  a dipsomaniac; a person with an irresistible craving for alcoholic drink .

Rather than saying that he’s a “dipsomaniac” the term that most people would use to describe him is an “alcoholic”. The sentence is implying that “dipsomaniac” is what most people call him, but the majority of the world would not use that word. Furthermore, the impact of the word isn’t that important because the father has faded out of the story for the time being and as a detail of his character, being an “alcoholic” is a reasonable description of who he is.

Example: Her laconic reply has susceptibly thinning out the curiosity that embarks on Marvel

The problem isn’t the use of the word, but rather that it popped up out of nowhere. If there was consistent use of these large words throughout the story, they wouldn’t stick out so uncomfortably in the text. Furthermore, as stated earlier, the use of “embark” has some issues. Embark is a word that generally applies to an adventure or travel or something on a grander scale. It’s not used as casually as it is in the sentence above.

Example: Aennrain is the shiniest amongst the performers

Similar to the example prior to this one, “shiniest” isn’t a word that is often used to describe a person or performer – that is, unless it’s for comedic effect. “Shiniest” would be more for objects of delight and cannot be synonymous with statements such as “She’s a star” or “She shines” which have different implications to actually using the superlative of “shiny” to describe her as the “shiniest”.

Dialogue: The dialogue is formatted properly and has impact. The characters voices are actually best heard trough your dialogue and flows very naturally. Rather than the forcefulness of the description, your dialogue is able to capture the true tone and your true style of writing. Although the words used aren’t particularly refined or elegant, they’re appropriate and certainly the best for your story. Always aim for natural story-telling rather than trying to make it sound exceptional. It will sound exceptional because it’s natural.

Clichés: So far there haven’t been many clichés.

“Flow”: As mentioned earlier, there are a few points in the story that are struggling to find their base. There are details in the story, such as Anne knowing about Aenn’s mother, and Aenn’s brother Veikey, and Marvel and the cat which are all jumbled together in a strange hodge-podge of ideas in the second chapter. These are all fine plot lines. There’s nothing wrong with using them, but it’s the way they were introduced and where they were introduced that is troubling.

Each of these details could’ve been revealed over the course of more chapters. Fan out and allow the details to lay themselves instead of forcing them out earlier than necessary. This is only the first chapter after a very traumatic prologue and there are many things that need to be explained. Adding on more questions to the prior questions disrupts the flow of the story in more ways than one. It would be best to just slow everything down and take your time, otherwise more and more plot holes will form and before you know it, the story will be out of your control.

Formatting: It’s fine.

Literary Devices [ 2 / 5 ]

Metaphors, similes, alliteration, aphorisms, repetition, etc. : Some

Extras/Bonuses [ 1 / -- ]

Readers Enjoyment: ---

Particular Snippets of…: ---

Improvement: N/A

Enjoyment: The story was certainly interesting.

Total [ 213 / 300 ]

71%

Reviewer’s Comments:

Your story is honestly very interesting. Please read through everything and I do hope that this has been helpful. The story itself has vast potential if it was given time to develop at a more leisurely pace. There really is no need to force anything.