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Review Shop Criteria

Title [ 8 / 10 ]

Creativity:It is sort of in your face. The title pretty much sums up what has so far been written and leaves little room for us to wonder what the story is about. Although clarity is important, there’s always room for a deeper meaning. Also, the insertion of “naughty” really draws in a certain type of reader. You may be looking for that type of reader, but I can’t really tell since you do, at times, have plot development.  

Characters [ 21 / 50 ]

Development:All of the characters were laid out from the very beginning. For you personally, this may be a good organizer but you’re taking away one of the many wonderful parts of being a reader. Most people who read a story are looking for one of two things.

1. A really hot, ty story (preferably a one shot or multi-chapter ual explosion)

2. A really interesting, dramatic story, usually about love and angst and triangles of some sort.

When you offer up all of their life details from hobbies to body measurements, your reader will not only be uninterested in reading and memorizing all of that, he or she will feel as if you’re robbing the story of great depth. It’s obvious that you, as the writer, understand the characters and that you also wish to share their most intimate details to us, but we want to read about it and grow with your characters. One of the major parts of reading is becoming attached to a character that you hadn’t known. It’s comparable to making a new friend. You’re strangers and first but over time, you become deeply involved and unable to let go.

Therefore, the best way to get emotional or addicted readers is by gradually building up the characters.

Voice:At times, their voices will blend into one massive mess. When Taemin and Sooyeon are alone it’s easier to differentiate, but when Key, Jonghyun, and Minho are pushed together, there’s less definition. It’s good that your main characters are different though.

Mark Downs: Although your voice is okay, you have not spend time to develop them beyond the profiles given at the beginning. You have already assumed that the readers know the characters inside and out which only lends itself to lacking development.

Grammar/Spelling [ 16 / 25 ]

Correct Usage:There was mainly a notable problem with misusing hyphens. Hyphens allow for interjection as well as for cutting a phrase abruptly.

It’s been 2 months since Sooyeon – Minho’s sister. Yes, Minho of SHINee – stayed in SHINee’s dorm.

NOTE: You used a period in the middle of a hyphenated clause. Yes, interjections are allowed and made proper by hyphens, but using a period in a hyphenated phrase is rather frowned upon. Periods are known to completely end a thought or completely separate it from proceeding thoughts. With this in mind, I hope it makes sense why using a period in a hyphenated phrase should not be done.

Drunklyshould be “drunkenly”. This is just for future reference since I know the correct form of words can be such a pain in the English language.

“1 hour and half passed…and she has signed 60 papers”

NOTE: Be careful about consistently use numbers or written numbers. Here, you switch between number and written number. Your sentences will appear more uniform if you stick to one or the other.

Yourversus You’re

NOTE: You may already know the rule here, but I’ll just add it in case you aren’t quite clear on it.

“Your” is used to show possession of something.

“You’re” is literally “you are”

I know it’s very easy to slip up while writing quickly, but it’s a very aggravating mistake when you look back and realize that you made a simple error.

Try to avoid using phrases like this: “moaned/screamed”. It increases your credibility as an author by making a decision. Both words can effectively describe what you’re trying to describe, but together they create an unprofessional and curious phrase.

Also, be careful with starting sentences with dependent clauses. Yes, everyone does it – I am guilt as well – but usually it’s better to avoid doing that. I understand that it diversifies your sentences, but in proper writing, doing such a thing is considered wrong.

Then again, for Fanfiction, I suppose it’s alright.

When pertaining to the emphasis of words, there is rarely a time where you should capitalize an entire sentence. The story’s appearance will come off immature and although you are writing in a cuter, quirkier way that does not mean the proper emphasis should be ignored.

If you want to make something pop out to a reader, use description or italicize the phrase or sentence that must be pressed. It isn’t nearly as loud as all caps lock, but the message will come across and your writing will be more professional. 

Tenses:Pick one tense and stay with it. This includes the proper forms of words like “has”. Always be wary of using a consistent tense or else your story will end up reading with more awkward stops than necessary.

Mark Downs: The actual severity of your mistakes was minimal but it was the consistency of certain mistakes that brought the score down. Your ill-focused tense was also troubling, but if you, as I said above, choose one and pay closer attention to it, then everything will be fine.

Oh, and this is just a side note, often times semi-colons and hyphens are only around to complicate a sentence so never worry that they’re necessary. A majority of time they’re rather useless, unless of course you’re trying to make a sentence look really fancy. I know I do it.

Plot [ 32 / 75 ]

Intrigue:Well, there appears to be something interesting about lust to people who read Fanfiction. In terms of actual intrigue, I cannot say there was very much considering the story was very obviously made to be about , , and general ual exploitation.

Originality:There are points of this story that are original, but the overall storyline has been recycle several times over, especially in Fanfiction. Stories about and love and triangles (like Jonghyun) are like the guidelines to writing a popular story, but not a unique one.

Your approach however, was far more entertaining than some out there. That’s one of the main reasons I had bumped up the originality portion of your score for this section.

Story Structure [ 47 / 75]

Point of View Coordination: You often change POVs. This isn’t necessarily bad, but it’s also somewhat unnecessary. Unless you’re adamant about having Taemin narrate as well as the other characters, than just the Narrator POV is fine. However, if you have your reasons for wanting 1^st Person, then continue as you will.

One more word of advice might be to make POVs by chapter instead of multiple ones in one chapter. It gets confusing for the reader if they don’t check who is narrating at what point. Another possibility to write intimate scenes in 1^st Person and then when the intimate scene ends, make a new chapter and have that written in 3^rd Person. Of course, you can disregard these suggestions though. It’s your story and you may do as you please.

Realism (in terms of story setting): Your story was strictly put together so there’s nothing wrong with the realism of it.

Functionality: Everything so far has been laid out for us. There were character profiles at the beginning, but the basic outline of the story itself was laid out in the description. In the future, it would be a good idea to leave some mystery in the description, so readers will be further enticed to go on. Since you told us the overall plot and events prior to reading, we’re lacking a sense of wonder for your story.

Style [ 35 / 60 ]

Personality:Your “Narrator POV” takes on your style and therefore I will base my following commentary on those portions of your story. When the Narrator is talking about , there is a certain tone of a educational guide. When informing the reader of what’s going to happen next, it is vital to use proper wording as well as proper voice. Your preludes to sound like guide books simply because you lack intimacy. If you spend some time carefully considering how you want the reader to feel and read your words, the mood of the story can be vastly deepened.

Furthermore, consider word choice because you frequently fell back on the word “passionately” to convey intimacy. At first it was alright, but soon, it became a very common part of description and lost its strength to properly paint a picture for readers.

Description: There’s a lack of description and where it exists it doesn’t do more than necessary. This isn’t bad since it isn’t meaningless. Although scarce, your description does offer insight into the situation at hand.

Dialogue: Each character, no matter what, needs their own paragraph and/or line. Even if the two spoken phrases coincide, they need to be properly separated. It’s a general rule associated with dialogue among character.

Clichés: Based on your story and writing style, I suppose you are aware of what clichés were used. Perhaps they were purposeful? I briefly mentioned some clichés previously in this review so mainly turn your attention to my notes on your characters and plot.

“Flow”: The story was incredibly fast at the beginning but then it slowed down. Taemin and Sooyeon got together almost immediately and there was very limited build up to their ual relationship. I understand that your story was meant to be mainly about their current lustful relationship but there was no definitive change from innocence to sin since we readers were not thoroughly exposed to Taemin and Sooyeon’s innocent natures.

Although you exposed us to it, we were not given a great deal of time to become used to their characters before you flipped it around and made them hormonally driven people.  You also made a point of noting in chapter 10 that Sooyeon is innocent when she’s not with Taemin which came off rather sudden and slightly random.

The more you wrote, the slower the story became which shows great improvement in pacing.

Formatting:Your formatting was perfectly fine.

Literary Devices [ 2 / 5 ]

Metaphors, similes, alliteration, aphorisms, repetition, etc. : A bit.

Extras/Bonuses [ 4 / -- ]

Readers Enjoyment: The readers are interested in the story but their depth of interest can be questioned. The majority of them are looking forward to more updates and more which is fine, but there’s a certain lack of thoughtfulness – even for a more casual story such as this one.

Particular Snippets of…: I was surprised when Jonghyun said he had feelings for Sooyeon.

Improvement:You cut down on the hyphens which was good. Also, your writing became more concise and the grammar improved greatly.

Enjoyment:I’m someone who reads so there would be little reason for me to come across a “straight” story.

Total [ 165 / 300 ]

55%

Reviewer’s Comments:

I honestly thought your story was better than the score you received. It appears that I may have been harsher than I meant to be. Your improvement as chapters went on is thoroughly impressive though.

As you continue writing this story I’m positive that you’ll get better all on your own, whether or not you pay mind to this review. I do hope that I was able to help you, even if it was only a bit.

A point I would like to advise you to watch out for is plot.

Your plot is fine on its own, but the problem is that you’re morphing it to please your audience. That’s an okay method to increase readers and please current readers, but be kind to your story’s natural flow. It’s there and it’s much smoother than the most recent chapter you wrote (Chapter 11).

Right now, what you’re doing with the plot and complicating relationships is perfectly understandable, but those last few lines of Chapter 11 felt somewhat forced in comparison the previous situations with the same characters. For instance, Jonghyun’s first time wooing Sooyeon, that scene ran much better than Jonghyun’s scene where he was watching Taemin and Sooyeon and expressing his feelings concerning her.

I feel as if I’m rambling. Hopefully this makes sense, if it doesn’t, my apologies.