STORY LINK

(30 Chapters)

Requested: January 23, 2012

Completed: January 24, 2012

Advisor Notes

*I’m going to be taking special notice of the POV so please read that portion of these notes well.

**Since this story has 30 chapters I’ll be giving you pointers for every 6 chapters.

Chapters 1-6:

1. This detail bothered me quite a bit the moment I read your description and then once again when I saw it in the story.

"So I'm gonna lose my limp first before I die... It must have hurt like hell. Ah... Just by thinking about it, I feel faint," I thought. "

I’m rather surprised no one spotted it (no pun intended) considering how oddly out of place it was. “Limp” should be “Limb”. I’m pretty sure it was a typo but be careful if you’re going to use it in the Description. Little mistakes like this can make readers turn away due to a lack of professionalism.

2. By the time dawn crept down  the Dong Bang Kingdom and filled the Mirotic Forest with long shafts of light…

The lack of punctuation makes reading this difficult. You meant to connect “the Dong Bang Kingdom” with your opening phrase “By the time dawn crept down…” but the problem is that you added an article.

“The” separates your first clause (“By the time…”) from “…Dong Bang…”

3. Go back and reread your descriptions because there are several places where articles or extra words were used. It breaks the flow of your writing by adding these clarifications.

4. The snow leopard stalked his prey silently while keeping low. When the time was right, he pounced onto his prey and killed it. Then, he fed on it. When he had devoured his prey to it's very bones, he heard a twig snapped

Notice the number of times you used the phrase “his prey”. Do not use the same words to describe something if you’re not planning to organize it in a literary way. It detracts from the reading and may subconsciously annoy the reader. It’s sort of like rereading the same thing over and over again, slowing feeling your blood start to boil. Make sure to vary your language.

5. I went in and threw the human off my back.

“Off” should be “On”

6. Afraid of him being cold as the cloths on him were all torn up…

Now here, pay close attention. “Cloths” versus “Clothes” is a common mistake that should everyone should be wary of. In your sentence, you’re referring to his fully clothed body, that is, his clothes. If you meant that he was dressed in “cloths”, not a full outfit then it would have been fine to use “cloths”.

Also note, just because clothes are torn does not mean they become cloths. Cloths is more often associated with tattered sheets and scraps that are thrown together, or it could refer to raw cloth like when you’re about to sew something or make something.

7. Or was it making me grow fat and let it have a tasty meal out of me?

Instead of saying “making me grow fat” you should cut down on words. This was a problem from the other piece I edited too.

Example: Or was it trying to fatten me up to make a tasty meal for itself?

In the above example you will see that the word choice has greater variety and fluidity while still keeping its clarity.

8. Whatever, I did not care anymore.

There’s nothing grammatically wrong. The problem is how it reads. Yunho’s voice does not match the content of that sentence. It should be a more careless thought, yet it reads in a formal tone.

9. Upon seeing the snow leopard's stare on my food

The snow leopard is in the process of staring at the food. Stay consistent with time and place. Earlier you used “seeing” yet reverted to “stare” for your second verb. They should match.

Example: Upon seeing the snow leopard staring at my food

Furthermore, note that “on my food” implies he is seated on the food instead of aiming his gaze at the food.

10. "It is great that this cave has a tiny stream in it. Just enough water to drink," Yunho spoke to himself as he cupped a handful of water and brought it to his lips.

There are a number of these out of character mumblings. Yunho’s character must be defined to a certain point and here he is falling out of character. I considered the possibility of his heritage causing him to speak formally at times but it just sounds forced when compared to his normal internal speech.

11. I went to it and it started to pat my furry back. I liked its touch. I purred and rolled over. It rustled my stomach. I liked that the most. Wait... What was that smell? I got up and sniffed him. Eww! It was from him. It needed a dip in the river. I bit onto the cloth that was on the human and pull it up. I dragged the human out of the cave.

The snow leopard called Yunho by “him” prior to finding out his gender. I’m not sure if this was purposefully or accidentally done, however it leaves the readers with confusing facts. If you are going to be very specific about using “it” versus “he” be sure that you have reread those parts and posted it without any mistakes in that respect.

12. NOTE: Check your spelling and tense usage. At one point you used “smelt” but the proper form of the word is “smelled”. Yes, yes, the computer and auto-correct may tell you “smelt” is correct but for a fact it should be “smelled”. If anyone tells you otherwise, then they’re not following traditional grammar rules.

I won’t force you to use traditional grammar but many people aside from me believe it is more proper to follow the ancient rules. (That sounded dramatic…)

13. "How could you?!" I bellowed across.

Personally, I understood what you meant in this sentence but it was a rather incomplete thought. Simply putting “across” does not verify what is being crossed. Of course all of us can assume but the phrase is lacking. Be sure to include the “what” at all times even if you think it is fine the way it is.

14. “Omg” – Refrain from using this phrase, please. I know it’s tempting since this is a piece of creative writing but it truly takes away from the story. Always think about each and every word you’re throwing in there.

I’m guessing modern slang like “Omg” pops into your mind and sounds natural when you write it down because it reflect real emotions…but it won’t reflect that way for people who aren’t directly in your head.

15. "My boy is back!" the queen said and a tear escaped her eyes.

Numerically, this sentence doesn’t make sense. You used plural “eyes” but singular “tear”. If you meant for her to shed a single tear then it should be like this:

…the queen said and a tear escaped one of her eyes.

If you meant for plural:

…the queen said and tears escaped her eyes.

16. Prince Yunho had always had a being strong and firm image, but he had succumbed to this state by the snow leopard.

“Being” is an unnecessary part of the sentence. Take it out and read the sentence. It will make more sense and flow better.

“Succumbed” was nice use of word choice but the usage was off. To succumb is to fall into a certain state. You did form the phrase as such, but the problem is how it reads. I’m note positive how to explain so read this example:

…but he had succumbed to the snow leopard’s charms.

or

…but he had fallen to this stated because of the snow leopard.

You will see that “by the…” was taken out due to wordiness.

Chapters 7-12

1. Ijumped down the bed and lay on the floor.

You’re missing “from the bed…” Without that “from” the sentence doesn’t read properly or write properly.

2. My alarm sounded and I reached out to grab my Iphone. I really missed my phone. The moment I did, I realised that it was so cold.

See, with the way you wrote up to this point I imagined a more historical setting but you’ve now mentioned modern technology. If you meant for it to be modern and historical simultaneously make that clear throughout otherwise you’ll have very shocked and confused readers.

3. I ran to shut it and the sound woke the snow leopard up.

Don’t split “woke” and “up”. It negatively affects the word order and sentence structure.

4. However, it felt very weird. All the trees, flower and varies plants were so orderly

The form of “varies” is incorrect. It should be “various” as you’re referring to a variety or various plants. “Varies” is more often associated with verbs or a state of being instead of a numerical representation.

5. I wondered where my chamberlain went to. When I just thought of him, he came through the double doors and bowed. I passed him my wet clothes and he left. Half an hour later, the snow leopard was brought into my room. I stiffened a laugh. Its fur was so puffed up and it gave off a scent of strawberry.

This paragraph should be split into several paragraphs. Note this: Paragraphs are created for two reasons normally.

One, the author has been rambling for 30 lines and needs a paragraph break.

Two, the author has changed setting, character, topic, or otherwise changed something significant that could be its own, independent thought.

In the above paragraph you have two transitional sentence starters shoved into that one paragraph.

Example:

I wondered where my chamberlain went to. When I just thought of him, he came through the double doors and bowed. I passed him my wet clothes and he left.

Half an hour later, the snow leopard was brought into my room. I stiffened a laugh. Its fur was so puffed up and it gave off a scent of strawberry.

Also, “stiffened” should be “stifled”. They’re similar in meaning but “stifled” is to silence or smother something (in this case, laughter) “Stiffened” is to freeze up or become immobile or tense. This could have been a typo but if it wasn’t, now you know the difference, hopefully it helps!

6. Yunho said as he entered room.

 Please allow me to reiterate the need for an article “the” before “room”.

7. "Hmm... Let me think of a name..." Yunho continued. "Jaejoong!"

Weeks passed and winter was about to end. On a certain day, in the kitchen, an eagle flew through the window and landed on one of the many counters in there. The middle aged lady saw it and rushed to get her ordered goods. In its claws, a glass bottle with a cork at the opening was there. The eagle left it on the table and flew back into the sky. A month ago, this cook had placed an order online for a potion which could turn cats into humans. She did not have any children therefore, she needed accompany for her old age. She came across this website and decided to give it a try.

Try to lessen the abrupt shift by adding some filler text. I know that sounds bad but it would truly help represent the passage of time. Or, if you’re against filler text, then find something to soften the sudden shift. It just sort of jumps on you, the reader, and it makes the story feel like it’s moving too quickly.

8. Slowly, it changed into a human body part by body part.

Consider punctuation: Slowly, it changed into a human, body part by body part.

9.  "Phew... I thought my heart could jump out of me," I thought.

Since this is Yunho’s POV it’s somewhat unneeded for you to add “I thought”.

10. Sorry, Yoochun.

Although you’re using 1^st Person, that doesn’t mean switching tense is safe. You’ve been using past tense the whole time so suddenly using present tense doesn’t make sense. Instead of “Sorry, Yoochun” it should be: “I felt sorry for Yoochun” or something along those lines to show when Yunho was experiencing those feelings.

11. With that, a few days passed. Soon, it was spring.

Again, be careful of pacing and the passage of time. It was very fast how you switched from “a few days” to a whole new season. If, in your mind you saw them at the end of Winter, you need to tell us readers or else we’ll be confused on how all of those days passed.

12. Suddenly, the door swang opened.

“Swang” should be “Swung”

13. I was scolded when I did not do anything of such.

Article: “the” before “such”

Or, you could take out “such” and reform the sentence.

14. With that, Yoochun left the room languidly.

It’s understandable why you described Yoochun as languid, but there was no build up to that. The dialogue was so fast paced up until that point so it sort of short-circuited the scene. In the previous sentence it says: "I won't. Don't worry, even if I did tell anyone, no one will believe me unless they see this themselves," Yoochun promised.

The best thing you could’ve done was add some description about Yoochun sighing, or slumping or seeming in some way exhausted. It will add emotion and understanding to his languid exit.

15. I was mesmerised.

There’s really nothing wrong with this but I felt like I should point out that it is spelled “mesmerized”. Watch out for spelling mistakes because there were a few throughout the piece that I did not mention.

16. I guffawed with mirth.

At times…I wonder what sort of voice you’re trying to portray. This was a good sentence but it didn’t fit Yunho’s personality.

Chapters 13-18

1. Yunho sighed and hung up the call.

“The call” isn’t needed for the sentence to make sense. By adding it, you create an almost redundant statement.

2. Yunho lowered down…

In context, the sentence should be: Yunho lowered himself and…

“Down” is repetitive of “Lowered” and thus becomes useless.

3. He took this chance to slip his tongue in. It explored the wet cavern.

Combine these two sentences so they flow together. Since you’re talking about exploring in terms of his tongue exploring, these two thoughts should not be severely separated with a period.

Example: He took this chance to slip his tongue into that wet cavern for exploration.

4. Soon, their tongues intertwined.

Try to describe something aside from their kiss because those three back to back sentences form a choppy trio that could be smoother and slicker like the content it is attempting to portray.

5. Yunho laid Jaejoong down first then, he got on top of Jaejoong.

The comma should come before “then”

6. He and nibbled on Jaejoong's left and pinched the right one. Moans escaped Jaejoong's mouth. This time, they were loud and clear. The s turned hard.

Rethink the order of the sentences. The subject matters are all intertwined but the final sentence concerning the state of his s is awkwardly placed.

A quick fix would be combining the last sentence with the first sentence. This way it will make more sense and “This time, they were loud and clear” is able to flow into the next thoughts with more ease.

7. NOTE: scenes are primarily description based so along with the dialogue be sure to thoroughly describe what is happening instead of blatantly stating what is happening. This will make the intimate scenes more alluring and seductive rather than just hot and ographic.

8. I touched it, feeling the texture. It felt comfortable, at least, better than the bathrobe I had been wearing.

Make this one sentence since it’s a single thought.

9. "Commander Lee wishes to seek your audience," said my chamberlain.

Remove “wishes” or “seeks” since together they create a redundant sentence.

10. I’m beginning to notice that you’re losing your description. Dialogue is fine to use but you can’t rely on it to convey your story. Even within conversation you must incorporate the setting, feelings, and other important character and plot developmental details.

11. Branching off from #10, try to mix plot and thoughts with dialogue. You have both components but you keep them severely separated. It isn’t too disruptive to the story but you could write a smoother piece by mixing everything instead of clearly defining what is happening before breaking into conversations between characters.

12. Changmin’s sudden POV is not appropriate in the sense that he was suddenly given a POV. You’ve created a set pattern of who has 1^st Person so to suddenly inject another character who is speaking in 1^st Person does not allow for the greatest reading pleasure.

It isn’t a horrid thing to do, but I strongly advise against it.

***NOTE: the reduction in corrections and edits is because you have a set number of mistakes and I’ve pointed them out already. If I find something new or outstanding, you’ll see that I’ve commented on it. In all other cases, refer to the previous edits and apply them to the rest of your story because they surely relate***

Chapters 19-24

1. The next day, night time....

Back in the kitchen...

You’re point blank stating the current time/place. This would be alright if you did this throughout the story but this was a recent thing. You’re taking away description and such by jumping around like this without any explanation. Even fast-paced stories require some level of order to keep the coherency levels high.

2. There was I, right in front of the double doors with two guards…

Switch around “was” and “I”. If auto-correct told you the opposite then remember that auto-correct is silly and wrong sometimes.

3. His words made my heart stumble a beat…

“Stumble” isn’t the best word for this phrase when paired with “a beat”.

Example: His words made my heart skip a beat

Or

His words made my heart stumble

Or

His words made my heart beats stutter

Or anything else along those lines would be good too.

3. Their tongues lapped over each other's. Occasionally, they each other's tongue.

Once again, with intimate scenes watch out for over compensation in description. Just write with emphasis on keeping thoughts streaming instead of clear. It may be confusing but scenes like these are more about the emotions you can cause someone to feel rather than the technical ability in writing.

4. Then, Yunho lifted Jaejoong and shifted him nearer to himself. Jaejoong felt Yunho's staff sinking slowly inside him and he trembled.

“inside him” should be “into him”

“Inside” tells us that Yunho is already within Jaejoong.

“Into” tells us that Yunho his currently entering Jaejoong.

5. Again, I could sense someone watching me. I had an uneasy feeling. I gulped against the lump in my throat and had my fingers tightened on the handle of the shovel.

Combine some of these sentences so you can eliminate the unneeded and choppy “I…”

Example: Again, I could sense someone watching me as an uneasy feeling settled inside. I gulped against the lump in my throat and had my fingers tightened on the handle of the shovel.

Note: I did not edit grammar in the example so don’t take that as direct advice on how to phrase the sentence.

Chapters 25-30

1. When Yunho came down to greet his life partner-soon-to-be…

Order of words is strange.

Example: When Yunho came down to greet his soon-to-be life partner…

P.O.V.                                                                                                                       

1. Third person was very unnecessary if you were going to use it so scarcely.

2. You explained that 3^rd Person is separated by a double space but you use the phrase “[Name] POV” anyway, so perhaps you should have stuck with the pattern and put 3^rd Person.

3. On another note, there are other ways of portraying 1^st Person without constantly switching POVs like that. With those switches every few paragraphs, it makes the reader tired of thinking about who’s talking. I know in Fanfiction this is a normal occurrence (switching POV, I mean) but it truly bothers me as someone who is reading your story. It detracts from the experiences and emotions you’re trying to invoke in your audience.

4. As the story progresses the clarity of your POV shifts is vanishing. I’m having a harder time distinguishing where and when you change POV’s due to the Double Space rule you used.

5. With chaptered stories, POV changes should only happen in the following situations:

One, every chapter is a different POV.

Two, every chapter has a set formula for POV shifts.

An example: Character A. Character B. Character A. Character B.

There shouldn’t be POV changes for the sake of convenience.

6. Alternatives for POVs:

When writing, use all 3^rd Person but when you want to insert someone’s thoughts, put the words in italics. This is what published authors do and it makes reading easier.

Write everything in clearly on perspective but add in their feelings through italics. I cannot stress that enough. By doing this, you’ll eliminate the whole mess with shifting POVs and confusing your readers with structural problems.

***

Review Shop Criteria

(I hope that you don’t mind me being scarce here. Refer to the Advisor Notes for all of my in-depth comments/remarks)

Title [ 8 / 10 ]

Creativity: Cute and easy to understand relationship between the title and story. It also wasn’t a waste of breath since you spent a great deal of time writing with Jaejoong being a snow leopard. I was happy to see you didn’t jump straight into him being human.

Characters [ 25 / 50 ]

Development: Yunho and Jaejoong are talked about in the Advisor Notes. The other characters had a great deal of depth to them which I’m happy about but they were side characters that shouldn’t have had so much history when the two main characters were not that developed.

Voice: The voices were lacking in individuality. Jaejoong could’ve been Yunho and vice versa. They didn’t have definitive speech characteristics that could distinguish them from one another.  

Grammar/Spelling [ 11 / 25 ]

Correct Usage: As you progressed, your usage improved.  

Tenses: Advisor Notes!!

Plot [ 73 / 75 ]

Intrigue: I don’t know if I would say it’s super interesting but it was definitely entertaining at a level.

Originality: That was definitely an original plot. I’m sure there have been other similar to it but as I was reading I found myself pleasantly surprised to see so much personality from the story line.

Story Structure [ 40/ 75]

Point of View Coordination: Advisor Notes

Realism (in terms of story setting): Advisor Notes

Functionality: Advisor Notes

Style [ 38 / 60 ]

Personality: It’s still lacking in personality to be honest. You, as a person, have personality but the story just…loses its character and I’m not positive why.

Description: It fills space and has meaning, both are true.  

Dialogue: Your dialogue was scarcely related to description but on its own it was fine.

Clichés: I’m sure there were some clichés but everyone has clichés. Off the top of my head I wouldn’t be able to name one. Oh wait, actually the maid and master relationship has been played before.

“Flow”: Advisor Notes

Formatting: Advisor Notes

Literary Devices [ 2 / 5 ]

Metaphors, similes, alliteration, aphorisms, repetition, etc.

Extras/Bonuses [ 2 / -- ]

Readers Enjoyment: I liked it and your readers seemed to like it a lot as well.

Particular Snippets of…: Not really. It was all rather equal for me throughout.

Improvement: You definitely improved a great deal. I’m so shocked by the results actually. Your grammar still wasn’t perfect but your long sentences started making more sense.

Enjoyment: I might tell someone about Spotted Love, if he or she is in the mood to read fantasy.

Total [ 199 / 300 ]

66%

Reviewers Comments:

I know you said that it is alright to take my time but I have a problem when it comes to finishing things all at once. Anyway, here it is.

You told me to be as harsh as I possibly can…but I’m not sure if I can be. I hope you think this score is tough enough and the feedback I’ve provided is helpful. Keep on writing and getting better because I’ve seen it through the course of Spotted Love that you’re very capable of forming stronger stories.

Here are a few things you should pay extra attention to:

1. Characters, Characters, Characters!! I realize you’re a plot writer but your characters need to develop further so you’re plot will appear more developed. If I’ve learned anything from writing and reviewing and reading, really, it’s that plot and characters need to be equally prominent in a story.

2. Mixing dialogue and description: You’ve got description down for the most part. You’ve got dialogue down almost certainly. Now you just need to find the proper balance between them. Most of the time, you’ll write description and lengthy thought-ramblings but you never interrupt those long paragraphs with character to character conversation. The best sort of story will blend description into dialogue naturally.

3. POV Consistency: Turn to Advisor Notes and you’ll understand.