STORY LINK

(3 Chapters - Hiatus)

Requested: January 26, 2012

Completed: February 6, 2012

Advisor Notes:

Chapter 1:

1. The atmosphere in the dorm was really quiet and peaceful.

NOTE: Structurally speaking it is correctly written, but if you want the sentence to flow find a word that describes both quiet and peaceful so you can cut down on words. An example would be: “serene”

2. In the kitchen, no B2ST boys either.

NOTE: Here you’re using the subordinate clause to lead your sentence. In English, it’s a serious offense to do this – even though a lot of people do it. You want to lead with the independent clause all the time. It’s easier to vary sentences by mix and matching dependent and independent but you really shouldn’t.

Example: There were no B2ST boys in the kitchen either.

Notice that the phrase “in the kitchen” was pushed into the middle of the sentence where it belongs.

Follow these pointers for the next sentence as well. I’m sure there are a few more instances of this so watch for this.

3. This is an overall note. Your sentences try to clarify the setting by adding more words. The problem is that your sentences end up wordy and confusing. A good example can be found in the third paragraph.

4. Do you curious about their dreams?

NOTE: “Are you curious about their dreams” – “Are” implies the entire audience and those are the people you are trying to address.

5. Kikwang dreamed himself was in…

NOTE: “himself” is the wrong form of the word. In this case you want to use “he”

6. Very impressive(?).

NOTE: It’s okay to use (?) but that acts as your punctuation or sentence ender. You can get rid of the period.

7. Jun…ups!!I’m sorry!

NOTE: “oops” should be used instead of  “ups” because “ups” is defined as “going up”. What you’re trying to produce in this phrase is a interjection. “Oops” is an interjection.

8. …sitting together in the couch while watching…

NOTE: “In the couch” should be “On the couch” since you’re talking about them sitting upon the cushions. When you use “in” you’re saying they’re literally inside the couch.

9. …squeezing the pretty vocalist thigh before showing him a smirk.

NOTE: You need to show that the “thigh” is possessed by the “pretty vocalist”. Right now you’re not connecting the two words so in order to connect them, make “pretty vocalist” this: “pretty vocalist’s”. The “ ’s ” signifies possession.

10. …biting on his sweet spot and making Hyunseung moaned in pleasure.

NOTE: You use active verbs but suddenly used a passive verb “moaned”. Make sure you are consistent or else your sentence starts to get really odd tensing.

Example: “…biting on his sweet spot and making Hyunseung moan in pleasure.” In this case you can see that “moan” was taken out of the past tense because “biting” and “making” are both active past tense.

11. He put on his best smile to his face…

NOTE: It’s a known fact that a smile will only appear on one’s face so you can take out “to his face”. When you add that phrase you’re creating a redundant and wordy statement.

12. bed bunk should be “bunk bed”. I wish I could give you a proper reason but the only one I can think of is that that’s the official name?

13. Doojoon dreamed, he was lying on the bed…

NOTE: The comma isn’t necessary. He was dreaming about “lying on the bed” so the verb “dreamed” shouldn’t be separated from the main statement.

14. Be careful with repeating the same pronouns like “his” and “he” in one sentence.

15. Yoseob’s jaw dropped after Doojoon blurted out those sentences…

NOTE: He only said one sentence which was “Since when did you give birth to this child?!” So you want to eliminate the plural usage of “sentences” in the italicized phrase above.

Chapter 2

1. “Okay…any suggestion what we should do now?”

NOTE: “Suggestion” should be used in the context of something that can be offered.

Example: “Okay…does anyone have any suggestions on what we should do now?”

Example 2: “Okay…any suggestions on what we should do next?”

You need to make it obvious that “suggestions” is in the concern of something else. I hope that makes sense.

2. The six B2st boys who saw that couldn’t help but to think how cute…

NOTE: “to think” doesn’t need to be in the infinitive. If you have just “think” the sentence makes sense.

3. Watch your run-on sentences. Even if a sentence feels like it should include all of these things you have to remember what the subject of the sentence is.

Consider the diagram: Subject – Verb – Direct Object

It’s a simple form but just remember it when you feel like your sentence is getting overly long. You can build from there just make sure you always keep in mind what exactly those three key parts are. If you stray too far away you’ll completely change the sentence and often times make it grammatically incorrect.

4. …the maknae asked who was sitting beside him, taking a peek over at the paper.

NOTE: Your word order is very important. I know in other languages word order isn’t particularly important (you should see Latin’s lack of word order, goodness gracious) but in English it’s surprisingly important.

You’re trying to modify “maknae” with the description “who was sitting beside him” and you separated the two phases with the verb “asked”. The sentence ends up understanding like this: “The maknae was asking who was sitting beside Kikwang”.

What you’re going for I presume is: “…the maknae, who was sitting beside him, asked as he took a peek over at the paper.”

If you look at the correction I made, the word “maknae” is now related to “who was sitting beside him”. The commas isolate the phrase and make it modify “maknae”

The next part I added “as he…” because it makes the phrase active. You want to show that everything is happening simultaneously so you need to have some sort of word or set of words that implies that. In this case I used “as” to imply “right now”

5. Why you guys make those expression?

NOTE: You need to have the word “are” or else the sentence ends up sounding very improper and slang-like. Even though it’s dialogue it should still be grammatically correct in this case. You didn’t show any previous signs of slang-like speaking from the character.

Example: Why are you guys making those expressions?

6. poppin’ dragon should be capitalized because it’s a name. All nicknames, stage names, and titles should be capitalized.

7. Chun-Mi began to cry again because she was surprised by the two guy’s scream.

NOTE: “ ‘s “ is used when you’re showing possession of a single person. You’re talking about two people and therefore the apostrophe moves beyond the “s”

Example: “…by the two guys’ screams”

You also need to put “scream” into plural

8. …and rubbed his now-sleepy eyes with his right hand.

NOTE: I’m not sure why you have a hyphen there. It’s not really needed. Actually, in general hyphens have very little use unless you really have to connect two words. Otherwise hyphens are around to make sentences look more complicated.

9. The leader gulped his saliva when nervousness could be seen on his face right now.

NOTE: This is a good example of wordiness. You’re trying to clarify the meaning of the action but it became more difficult to understand because of all the unnecessary specifications.

Chapter 3

1. In the end…pride came first before love in Doojoon’s dictionary.

NOTE: Here is another example of redundant statements. “first” implies “before” so you only need one or the other to have the sentence make sense.

**Be sure to look back at the notes from Chapters 1 and 2 because they cover all of the problems seen in Chapter 3. **

Review Criteria

Title [ 10 / 10 ]

Creativity:The title isn’t overly cheesy and it doesn’t give away the plot completely. There’s room for interpretation. Plus, it relates well to the plotline and style you’ve chosen.

Characters [ 39 / 50 ]

Development:There are only three chapters so I won’t do an in-depth search for their development. Each member is individual and it is shown that every single one has their own thoughts (dream-world) and they were capable of thinking for themselves. I liked that you were serious about giving them skills that weren’t laid out right from the get-go.

For example, it was really nice to learn that Doo-Joon was good with the baby. I enjoyed inferring and then confirming this.

Voice: They were pretty unique, but more on a content level. All of them had similar ways of speaking but again, I suppose I don’t know how you’ll make them grow and change in the future (once you get off of hiatus.)

Furthermore, it’s good that you didn’t add descriptions underneath each picture in the Foreword. If you had I probably would’ve had to spend a great deal of time telling you why that’s a bad idea. No one wants to hear that lecture, right?

Grammar/Spelling [ 14 / 25 ]

Correct Usage:I’m not sure if your grammar is lacking or if you’re purposefully making your grammar lacking. The authenticity to a reality show is…well, spot on. However, in writing you’re vividly incorrect. Just be sure to watch out for some of the things I list below. It’s not everything but it should be helpful.

They began to sigh, one by one in turn…

“One by one” and “in turn” are synonymous phrases so use one or the other. Together they’re making a redundant statement.

…the leader was having eye-contact with his other band mates…

“was having” could be shortened to “the leader made eye-contact” which makes the sentence flow better and it also cuts down the number of words you have to use.

…one-week day off…

The numbers don’t agree. Since one week is considered 7 days, you can’t put “day off” afterwards because then the meaning of the phrase becomes “You said that we got 7 days, a day off…”

…most happiest…

“Most” is used to change the form of a word/phrase to superlative. However, “Happiest” is already in the superlative so you don’t need “most” to make the phrase understandable.

“Wow, wow…calm down, Yoseob!”

“Wow” should be “Whoa” in this situation because when you use “wow” you’re showing surprise rather than the feeling “hey, hey, calm down”.

Tenses:If I’m correct there are some tense mistakes but nothing major – I’m guessing since nothing comes to mind right away. There were probably a few problems so be warier of using only present tense or only past tense.

Mark Downs: You staggered a lot through grammar. It was the one problem I had with reading your story. It was so funny and cute but the amount of choppiness was just…a mood-killer? Is that a good description? Well, just note that you should definitely focus on grammar.

That sounds like such a teacher-thing to say but really, when a story is told well, the one thing that ruins it is poor spelling and structural flops.  

Plot [ 50 / 75 ]

Intrigue:It definitely intrigued me. I’m not going to lie, I was really enjoying it and the plot is interesting – especially since you haven’t told us outright that the characters are on a reality T.V. show.

Originality:This is definitely enjoyed because it’s cliché. I’m not judging you in that respect, mostly because I’ve subscribed to your story due to the wonderfully cliché plot. On a completely plot-based analysis, I cannot rightfully say there is anything special about your story – aside from the mystery of where the baby has come from.

Your take on the Hello Baby craze is certainly interesting in comparison to some of the more straight forward stories involving the show.

 Mark Downs: Although I said it’s very cliché, it’s not nearly as cliché as other stories. Imagine 37.5 points were received for “Intrigue” and then I gave you some for originality. Your fresh interpretation of deserves the slight boost.

Story Structure [ 73 / 75]

Point of View Coordination: Your POV is excellent.

Realism (in terms of story setting): So far you’re doing well. There’s nothing outrageous about what’s going on – aside from the obvious random baby mishap. But in terms of following an idol’s life, everything seems to be rather well-maintained. It’s good that you didn’t over exaggerate their dorm life or anything else.

Functionality: Yes you are, and I am incredibly happy about that. Since you haven’t laid everything out completely, there’s definitely room to ponder.

Mark Downs: I do have to admit that their reactions are a bit extreme at times, which pulls readers out of the story slightly. This will be explained further in dialogue.

Style [ 55 / 60 ]

Personality:You had a strong voice. That’s what’s important. You adapted your writing style to fit the comedic nature of your story which was very good. I found myself laughing because you, the narrator, had such a casual, realistic way of speaking that it actually felt like the MC on Hello Baby or any other reality show.

Not to sound pompous, but feel proud. I’m very picky about voice and you’ve managed to make me admit that your personality and style has shined through strongly.

Description: Your description is rather relatable to what’s going on. A lot of what you say is setting description and therefore plays an important role in telling us readers exactly where we are with the Beast boys.

With that said, you were lacking a bit. A lot of your story relied on internal monologues and dialogue. There were times where you could have elaborated on their situation – then again, I have to concede that there wasn’t much more going on than discussion. It’s also understandable that you didn’t mention the scenery since it was still unchanging.

Dialogue: Your formatting is perfectly fine but what is bothersome is the authenticity. In the first chapter and most of chapter 2, the dialogue is natural and flowing but by chapter 3 it becomes clear that you’re working hard to be funny. It’s fine because it’s still comedic, but at the same time, as a reader I can’t help but be aware of the lack of sincerity in some of their words.

The scenes in Chapter 3 become overly…funny? Just write as you had in Chapter 1 and 2 without concern for being funny enough. If the story doesn’t flow with humor then don’t force it to. When you do that, awkward dialogue ensues and that basically kills the story’s way of being read.

Clichés: So far I have to suppose that it’s cliché, right? There haven’t been too many scenes but from what I’ve seen yes, there are some clichés.

“Flow”: Your flow is very impressive. Again, be proud, because “Flow” is the other category I’m knit picky about. In 3 Chapters you haven’t had anything too crazy happen, like the members abruptly falling in love with one another or some other outrageously fast development like that.

Formatting:In fact, I would be really happy if you increased the font size because I have a hard time keeping track of who is saying what since I have to strain my eyes to read. Other than that, your formatting is nearly perfect.

Literary Devices [ 3 / 5 ]

Metaphors, similes, alliteration, aphorisms, repetition, etc. : Some

Extras/Bonuses [ 3 / -- ]

Readers Enjoyment: They appear to enjoy it, but many of the comments are rather bland and shallow. Personally, I don’t think it reflects the quality of the story since I find it amusing. Then again, what do you say about a comedy? It’s a difficult line to walk.

Particular Snippets of…: Oh my goodness, I absolutely adored their dreams, mainly because I love and I’m pretty positive your story has turned me into a Junseung shipper. The way you’ve portrayed them is really lovable.

Improvement:In terms of style, you may have actually devolved.

Enjoyment:I did subscribe actually so yes! I definitely enjoy your story and I hope you continue it soon!

Total [ 247 / 300 ]

82 %

Reviewer’s Comments:

Something you should really, really focus on is grammar. I cannot stress enough how lovely your story is and how well it flows. Your grammatical errors are pulling you down sadly, and I hope that you can develop your understanding of sentence structures. If you improve in that respect, I’m nearly positive that your story would flow not only in context, but in style as well.

Also note, I realize it’s important to please readers and to stay with the mood of your story but sometimes it’s okay to be serious in a comedy. Comedies are funny because they’re not simply funny; they’re selectively, excellently funny. I just want to stress that you don’t have to push humor. It will come naturally out of your characters and voice, believe me.

By the way, congratulations on your score :) I'm so happy to have graded you and found the outcome to be so acceptable.