Hot Streak by ohhhkenneth
Clockwork Reviews and Tutorials [BUSY]By: ohhhkenneth
Requested: November 28, 2017
Completed: March 8, 2018
Review: Serious
Title [ 10 / 10 ]
Creativity: I won’t lie, it took me until the end of Chapter 8 to figure out what the Hot Streak referred to. Clearly, I’m a tired, old, mothball recluse in the countryside who doesn’t understand SnapChat. Thank you for enlightening me. That’s such a clever title. Kudos. (Unless I totally didn't get that right, then I'm sorry, I and don't understand the title. I'm sure it's still clever though.)
Characters [ 43 / 50 ]
Development:
Jungkook seems like an extremely self-aware individual. I’m not sure if this was purposeful or if this was a matter of overly explicit explanation in 1st person. For example, in Chapter 3, he very clearly asserts that “I cared for people a little too much…I had an innate need to make sure I help people as much as I can.” That’s fine if his personality is just one of hyper self-awareness, but if it was utilitarian description meant to develop his character more, I think it could be framed to show rather than tell. Up until that point, he spoke with a pretty casual tone and that one section really stuck out since it didn’t match his previous tone/voice. Especially because a bit later in the same chapter, you find that he expresses his earnest anxiety over Jimin’s safety by somewhat wryly claiming that since Jimin hadn’t answered, he thought the worst (including trucks running him over and natural disasters.) That was a much more amusing and eye-catching and in-character way to showcasing Jungkook’s personality.
Jimin has a shockingly vivid personality for someone who is mostly only portrayed through texts and selfies. He’s quite playful. It is interesting though that he would choose to text with Jungkook until 4am. His sensitive side that was revealed when Jungkook sent that drunken voicemail was new layer to his personality that I thought you revealed quite naturally. It also was great development to see Jimin openly upset at Jungkook for his behavior the morning after getting terribly drunk. His concern but his scolding tone were both much appreciated as they hadn’t been shown before, but make perfect sense in the plot progression as the two of them get closer.
The two of them had a rather clunky interaction when they were both introduced to each other though. At first, it seemed like Jimin was the colder one and uninterested in chatting, but then Jungkook seemed colder later on in their text conversation. I didn’t really understand the shift in their interaction that resulted in Jungkook getting more awkward and Jimin more open and flirty. I mean, at the same time, what does influence someone’s choice in texting one way or another? Text conversations have emotions that fly all over the place and people flip their tones constantly.
However, their chemistry is well done. Their characters are charming and their interactions are quite natural and cute. It reflects their young adult mindsets and also the awkwardness and unspoken words that often come with becoming acquainted via text messages. When they finally meet in the final chapter, their virtual chemistry becomes even better in person. It’s the quiet moments and small touches that are described then that really put it over the top and make their romance believable.
Namjoon was surprisingly the archetypal best friend despite the amount of screen time he received. He had a lot of personality, but his actual actions and words were static. His characteristics could be fit in a tidy list, such as slightly rowdy, extroverted, loves flirting with girls, and generally the fun-loving goofball. Each time he appeared as well, he had certain repeated actions, such as giggling and remarking on another beautiful girl. At the same time, I also see that this is Jungkook’s idealized vision of Namjoon told form his 1st person perspective. So, perhaps that’s part of why he’s portrayed as the epitome of cool and smooth?
Jin was practically in and out within a chapter. His character seemed like it was being built up to be a potential rival, but those thoughts deflated by the beginning of the next chapter after his introduction. Honestly it was jarring to see so much description from Jungkook in which he analyzed Jin’s quirks and mannerisms, but that all amounted to very little. It was the first time that Jungkook had taken the time to really detail another character’s habits, and provide an opinion on them as well. But after Jin’s clumsy confession, he just sort of was bumped to the wayside. I do admit that his appearance once again near the end was also a bit sudden and read very much as a plot device.
Voice: Your use of text messaging surprisingly made their voices more unique. I really liked how you utilized the informality of texts to highlight their personality differences.
Grammar/Spelling [ 24 / 25 ]
Correct Usage: It’s fine.
Tenses: It’s mostly okay. There are a few bits here and there that have tense issues, but that’s a proofreading issue.
Plot [ 45 / 75 ]
Intrigue: Your description is interesting within the trope of meeting through texting and also switching phones. I think your subscriber count is pretty indicative of public interest as well, so props to you! Your commenters are also quite dedicated to the story and seem to approve of your representation of the idols (I’m not really in the know about the BTS members personalities, so I couldn’t make a call on this).
Originality: I think it’s a well-done cliché. There are tons of text-based stories that fail to show the charm and wit of characters, but I think you’ve written a refreshing piece for the trope. It isn’t original, but it does breathe new life into a tired plot.
Coherency: Okay so most everything makes sense, but the switching phones aspect gets a little confusing at times. For example, in Chapter 1-6, it seems that they’ve switched phones and are using one another’s SnapChats to communicate? But in Chapter 7, Jungkook uploads a SnapStory. Is that SnapStory from Jimin’s account? And if so, are other people wondering why someone who isn’t Jimin using his SnapStory? It was a small detail that just caught my attention.
Additionally, in Chapter 7, Jungkook talks about having one of the worst migraines of his life at the beginning, but manages to hold a pretty civil conversation with Jin throughout that morning and even agreed to getting food later. The migraine detail just seems to drift away and become unimportant. I do realize that he’s not used to finding people to be friends with, and that this was a special case of wanting to go eat with Jin later.
Chapter 10 Notes:
- The plane picture was very much aesthetically pleasing, but was he really Snapping from the plane? I guess there’s Wi-Fi on planes nowadays? Ugh, man, my age is showing as I read this story. I’m clearly ill prepared for modern technology. (This is tongue and cheek. I’m not actually that old. I just apparently at technology.)
- Namjoon and Jungkook finally have a heart-to-heart about things. But the way the conversation goes, it reads like Namjoon is declaring for the first time that he knows Jungkook likes guys. But in Chapter 4, Namjoon already teased Jungkook about getting him a good boyfriend and how he was a matchmaker for their other friends who were both male. The way it was portrayed in Chapter 10, Namjoon came across defensive that Jungkook thought he didn’t know about his ual/romantic preferences. However, it was already established that he knew. Additionally, in Chapter 4, Jungkook didn’t seem perturbed that Namjoon implied that he knew Jungkook liked guys. The whole interaction in Chapter 10 just read in a contradictory manner when compared with revelations already made in Chapter 4.
It’s usually not obvious when little things are inconsistent, but I think due to the nature of the story’s structure, it was easier to spot when small mistakes such as these ones were made. Usually, in longer or more richly detailed stories, minor inconsistencies can be overlooked, but since not much happens in each chapter, and the plot is quite concise, it’s more noticeable when things don’t add up. In future stories of this nature, it would be really good to double check details and the like since there’s not much complex plot to fret over.
Story Structure [ 70 / 75]
Point of View Coordination: Your POV usage was great in the sense that you kept 1st person consistently and made use of the texts and images and videos to diversify your writing. Sometimes 1st person is too constricting, but you worked around it and used it to your advantage in most cases.
Realism (in terms of story setting): It’s very consistent. There aren’t many issues. I like how they tend to eat sweet foods at cafes quite a bit and also enjoy partying a lot. It’s the very epitome of college life. Also, the nods to Netflix and chilling as well as becoming a hermit in the dorm were too real. You really captured the nature of many romances these days among young adults. The slight awkwardness, constant throwbacks to social media, obsessing over little virtual interactions, and so on.
Functionality: For a rather light hearted, text-based romantic comedy, I think you did well in building up their relationship. The plot line itself and the characters were mostly given time to develop on their own. The level of development was discussed in other parts of the review. You didn’t include lengthy character descriptions at the beginning, nor did you just toss in each character’s introduction in the first chapter as if everyone meets everyone else at the same time. It was a mostly realistic take on friendship, meeting strangers, and meeting dorm mates (E.g. Jin).
Style [ 42 / 60 ]
Personality: You’re writing a 1st person, text-based RomCom. Style wasn’t really the point and I think your chosen style fit the genre/trope. It wasn’t distinctive since you weren’t writing from your own voice. Hopefully your other 1st person pieces don’t all sound like this story, because then I think that defeats the purpose of having used 1st person.
Description: Your description was pretty lacking in Chapters 1-4, but it seems that you took a hiatus before writing Chapter 5? I could definitely see a difference. Your description was much richer and finally delved into the state of his crush. There was a lot of showing rather than telling and Jungkook’s voice was clear.
Dialogue: Your dialogue in the texts really shined. It was the most amusing and eye-catching aspect of the story. Considering that it was a text-based story, that’s a really great thing. Despite the lack of description, you were able to move the plot forward and develop the characters through the dialogue.
Clichés: There are definitely predictable elements to the story but it was a fun read. That’s sort of what the tone and telling of the story intended. However, the story was made of many clichés and I think you’re already aware of that, given the story you chose to tell.
“Flow”: The pacing is a little off sometimes. It’s mostly okay because it’s real time text messages. The issue lies in some description that can be pretty blunt and just tells the readers major plot developments. For example, Chapter 4 ends with Jungkook making the declaration that his crush was growing. The problem is that since it’s 1st person, you’re often in a state of writing stream of consciousness or otherwise sharing evolving thoughts in the character. It was implied that Jungkook already had a crush, but it wasn’t explicitly acknowledged by Jungkook himself and since it’s 1st person, readers would expect to be given direct insight to when exactly he acknowledged the crush. However, as readers, we only get Jungkook’s revelation that the crush has grown.
When did the crush occur? The previous chapter ended with him saying that they were becoming friends and the beginning of Chapter 4 stated that he was still nervous about texting a stranger daily. Rather than expecting him to acknowledge a growing crush, I had the impression that he still didn’t know exactly where he stood with Jimin. Chapter 5 somewhat corrected the pacing by backing up and spending time to describe what was going through Jungkook’s head.
The pacing near the end was mostly fine, except for that appearance by Jin. The final chapters when Jin shows up again for a small interaction wherein he simply implies that Jimin told him to back-off of Jungkook was somewhat wasted potential. It seemed as if this text message Jimin sent from Jungkook’s phone was going to be revealed or at least discussed at some point, but it’s just a loose plot thread that’s unresolved when the story ends roughly 1-2 chapters later. Jin doesn’t really get closure and his existence was a very blatant plot device that didn’t really pan out. It would’ve helped the flow of the story if he was never mentioned in such detail and then dropped suddenly. Or, if he was left in the story, the pacing really needed to make better use of his scenes to either expand on them or include fewer thoughts from Jungkook who was building Jin up as a real rival and secondary plotline.
Formatting: It was fine. The text was a bit small, but I’m an old timer and clearly like big print texts.
Literary Devices [ 2 / 5 ]
Metaphors, similes, alliteration, aphorisms, repetition, etc. : Some.
Extras/Bonuses [ 4 / -- ]
Readers Enjoyment: They seem to really love it, so kudos to you! It’s always great to have support from readers and you really told a story that they felt was relatable and charming.
Particular Snippets of…: There were some clever texts here and there and I honestly thought their Snap exchanges were charming.
Improvement: That’s hard to say. The shift in writing came midway through and it was abrupt since it aligned with your return from a hiatus. The second half had better details and description, but some points contradicted the first half, as mentioned above.
Enjoyment: I’m not really in the fanfiction reading business these days, nor am I really in the know about 3rd generation K-Pop groups like BTS. I honestly wouldn’t have read it without the review request, but it was a fun read! I laughed and smiled quite a bit.
Total [ 240 / 300 ]
80%
Reviewer Comments:
Honestly, this story was really amusing and enjoyable to read. That’s purely because the dialogue was catchy, the characters had chemistry, and it was easy to read. Those are really important points to hit when writing fanfiction.
What I do want to say is that you write well, but the finer details seemed to allude you in this particular piece. I can’t comment on your writing as a whole (fanfiction or otherwise), but just this story itself saw quite a few plot inconsistencies that kept catching my attention as I read. That may have been merely a matter of you being tired and writing this story over an extended period of time. That happens. I just pointed it out here since this was a serious review.
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