Warflower

By: ErisChaotica

Requested: November 4, 2012

Completed: August 28, 2013

Review: Serious

Review Shop Criteria

Title [ 10 / 10 ]

Creativity: It didn’t make sense at first, but after reading the first chapter, everything clicked relatively quickly. I’m sure there’s even deeper meaning beyond just the surface level symbolism.

Characters [ 46 / 50 ]

Development:

Seollan: Very hardheaded. Stubborn and quick to act, and probably has many confinement issues. Her loyalty to her family is very pronounced and traditional, yet when it comes to things like marriage and the tradition of it, she shames them greatly with little to no remorse. It’s very realistic in the sense that she is still immature and childish. The selfless love she has for her family’s well-being is clear, and the duality of her character as a young woman growing up and refusing to be married more out of a lacking knowledge than anything else is quite endearing. She clearly would do anything for her family’s happiness, but that simple immaturity in the workings of love flaws an otherwise flawless daughter.

Sunggyu: His personality is nearly an archetype for the nice guy/side character lead. He’s very earnest and caring, as well as goofy and gentle. There is obvious depth to his character as shown through dreams and flashbacks and other interactions he has had with characters. It was a really sweet twist at the end when he received a happy ending. I will admit that despite calling him an archetype, the interrelations in this story are far from predictable.

I hope you do not mind that I am not delving into the other characters. Well, I will say that Hoya was very precious at times when it came to love and romance at least.

Voice: The main characters all differ well.

Remarks: It’s clear that you cared about how they were portrayed. Everything was well planned.  

Grammar/Spelling [ 23 / 25 ]

Correct Usage: It would be shocking if you had grammar issues. Any deductions are made of built up imperfections which are apparent in all works. There is no real way to have perfect grammar.

Tenses: Wonderful!

Plot [ 70 / 75 ]

Intrigue: I actually do like the plot. Mulan is one of my favorite stories and from the intensely vast fandom this story has built, I would presume others agree with the aforementioned statement.

Originality: I’m not sure this is an appropriate category to answer. This is based on a famous tale, and it has been re-imagined in a clever way.

Story Structure [ 63 / 75]

Point of View Coordination: There’s no issue here.

Realism (in terms of story setting): You’ve already identified inconsistencies in your historical context. In the story though, there aren’t many large issues that hurt the story’s progression.

Functionality: There are definitely a lot of moments where assumptions must be made and twists are thrown out there to trip the reader up.

Markdowns: The historical context didn’t hurt the story, but from what you’ve personally stated, it seems the lack of research depth really irritated you as the author and therefore I’ll abide by that opinion.

Style [ 36 / 60 ]

Personality: It’s strange. At times, the text reads like a technical manual, and other times, it rocks along like a feudal tale. In this particular work of yours, there’s definite growth and confusion. Although the writing is clearly well-thought out and particular, there is an excess of it. You want to be clear and you are clear, however, sometimes ambiguity stands better in stories of this nature. Your writing ability is undeniably good, yet at the same time, something is definitely lacking. It feels like the story totters through the adventures on a very choppy road.

It could be from intentional and unintentional experimentation, as well as subconscious attention to detail that simply takes away from the telling. Depending on the person reading, emotions can be invoked with ease or lack of ease. Although I am personally difficult to move emotionally, I know others may have an easier time. As an author, you are probably bent on invoking emotions in everyone reading. That would be my guess, though, so pardon me if that is incorrect.

Emotions are only lacking in this story because of the style in which you write, which is very plot-focused – not to say characters are underdeveloped, as they are not. Plot-focused stories surrender a lot of emotion in order to progress. The problem with expressing emotion is mainly how raw you can get a character without losing authenticity. Making someone hysterical isn’t always the right choice, but making them react appropriately in an irrational way is alright. That sounded odd.

“Not you, but your past self,” Sunggyu explained. “You were the wife of a warlord, and I was your servant, but I was a spy for the other side…and I killed you.”

She was silent for a while as she processed this information. Then, she said, “I don’t blame you for things you did in lives past, Sunggyu. It’s behind us.”

This is just one example of…too rational. They are in character, but in this situation, the procession of thoughts and reactions aren’t dealt with in a human way. There’s a detached feeling here. Readers are lacking insight into Sunggyu mental state as he utters these things, and as much as the author might feel that things are implied or already previously addressed, the ideas and feelings must be written out in a more blatant and cutting way. For Seollan’s part, she’s very patient and herself here, but the reflection that comes later in this chapter isn’t enough to enhance the moment those words are spoken to her: “…and I killed you.”

Even strong people will have some sort of bodily reaction to such a statement. Perhaps it is a simple twitch or quickening of her heartbeat. There are many little things people do, even the emotionless people, when they hear something of that nature. The point is to give readers a feeling of how each character is feeling at that exact moment, instead of waiting until later to patiently expand on the context. The expansion and momentary reaction are important and can exist simultaneously.

Description: When it comes to the description, it seems that the problem isn’t so much your ability to describe, so much as your choice in words. There’s usually a word that is perfect for any given situation, and finding that word is always a struggle. In your story’s case, it appears that you often misstep by implementing a less-than-perfect fitting word. Perhaps that’s because you want to have absolute accuracy, but that accuracy takes away from the story by breaking the lulling stream of words. By using more technical phrases in description, you’re allowing a lack of more whimsical imagery. If you aren’t using technical terms, the terms tend to find themselves in the more modern style – thus teetering away from your historical period text.

Dialogue: The dialogue is good, and at the same time too good. Although the characters are all clearly in their element, they have this way about them when interacting. You have perfected every interaction to the point where they don’t fumble over one another’s lines.

Something that an old friend told me once when I was quite proud about a bit of dialogue I wrote: “It sounds like you’re having an argument with yourself.” This, in essence, means that the characters were scripted to perfection and therefore tenseness and depth get lost in the wordplay. It’s beautiful wordplay, but dialogue, I’ve learned, can be a tool for character development more so than description sometimes.

**Description/Dialogue**: As you’ve stated, there are distinctive splits between these two things. I’m not sure if you still need any help with this, but I’ll offer it anyway. Basically, the dialogue, as I’ve stated, is witty wordplay and a story progression/filler tool, which is a solid flow that is difficult to crack with description. What tends to help solve this dilemma is the addition of description of subtle movements or shifts in the immediate situation.

So, for example, things like…the reactions to the other person’s words in the form of a caught breath, a slight shudder, a narrowing of eyes, a twitch of fingers, a subtle backing up or stepping forward. All of this will add tenseness back to the otherwise ordinary/expected interactions.

Clichés: There aren’t many clichés. Perhaps the given ones are there, but in writing a story, it’s expected to have clichés which entice readers. They aren’t necessarily bad and in fact, here you have made them quite tasteful.

“Flow”: Your pacing is fast, but not in a bad way. The story is told in concise scenes and ventures that help move along a war-based tale. It’s very interesting in the sense that something is always happening. The only downside would be the bumpiness of the story due to those breaks in dialogue and description. It makes chapters harder to navigate as there isn’t a consistent flow. Strangely enough, the chapters flow into one another so the reader feels the need to go on. However, the overall story-telling is executed well.

Formatting: Your formatting is fine. I like that the print isn’t overtly small or cringingly large.

Literary Devices [ 3 / 5 ]

Metaphors, similes, alliteration, aphorisms, repetition, etc. : I found it cute that the devices were most often used in dialogue.

Extras/Bonuses [ 3 / -- ]

Readers Enjoyment: Very sweet readers you have there.

Particular Snippets of…: I smiled at the sword dance.

Improvement: Got better as you went along

Enjoyment: Yes.  

Total [ 254 / 300 ]

85%

Comments:

Concerning the sword dance, I would just like to say that your BS was very eloquent and evasive haha I practiced broadsword forms in Kung-Fu when I was a bit younger, and I can certainly say that the imagery was there.  

This was very difficult to grade accurately considering it has an original base.  There aren’t nearly that many flaws overall. The key areas to focus on have been highlighted.

In other news, I would like to say that I’m somewhat guilty. I hadn’t realized that this was requested almost a year ago. Anyway, I’m glad that I finally reviewed this. Whether or not you still want it is up to you. Your story was a very interesting rendition of Mulan and I certainly think that your writing is respectable – something I find to be a greater compliment than I give to most people. It’s a work that I cannot say is my favorite, but is something I find to be worth reading.