He shivered as he entered the cold night air, eyes drooping, body heavy, feet dragging. He breathed out heavily and watched his breath form little could against the dark sky. He was sure that if people were able to sleep while standing he would be doing exactly that right now. He looked back at the strict white lights illuminating the hospital and sighed again. Maybe he should stay. 

His phone vibrated. Another call. He had missed about four already, not being able to get himself to pick up. Picking up would mean explaining, and explaining would only mean more pain. He stared at the name on his lit phone screen. It was always the same person, and he would usually be happy it was him.

But not today. Yesterday either. And the day before that.

He shut off his phone and started walking. He didn't want to go home to an empty house, with all the lights turned off and the rooms freezing. He didn't want to sit there alone in the darkness. But he had no idea where else to go.

Worry clawed at him, the stress fogged his mind. They had told him she was out of danger, but he couldn't stop the dread from covering his thoughts. The images flashed trough his mind again, everything around them jumbled up, but them crystal clear. A shiver ran through his body.

His mother slamming the breaks. The headlights of the truck coming dangerously close. The fear increasing. And finally, the enormous crash. 

His mother had taken the full blow, while he had walked off with a few scratches. She had been in the hospital for nearly three days straight. He had been outside her room, waiting for news, not once allowing himself to rest. Even now that his mom was out of danger, he couldn't help but feel like he should have been the one lying there. Not her.

He felt numb. Like all those things never happened. But his mom was right behind him, in a bed, in a medical sleep. And he remembered. The dread grew as he couldn't think of a place to go.

His phone vibrated again. Another text.

Where are you
Are you okay
Why aren't you replying
Did something happen
Jinyoung?

He had read them all. He never replied.

Of course, off all moments, now his dad had to be out of town. He hadn't cold him yet either. Guilt was added to the jumbled mess of feelings and he felt like his mind was about to explode. He turned around and walked back inside.

"Sir" he faintly heard someone say "Sir, it's past visitors hours, I'm afraid you can't go in" someone said. A hand touched his shoulder and he flinched.

"Are you alright sir" the person asked. He turned around and stared right into a pair of big kind eyes. Eyes that belonged to a face that he knew to well.

"Mrs. Tuan, I didn't know you were working tonight" he managed to say.

"I just got in" she said, suspicion clearly visible on her face. "What brings you here dear" she asked. He didn't answer as he tried to keep a straight face. He slowly saw the truth dawning on her. She clasped her hands over .

"Oh God. That was you and your mother, the accident of two days ago" she uttered. He only nodded.

"Mark was worried sick about you, he kept telling me that you wouldn't answer his phone calls or texts. Are you okay" she asked rapidly.

"I'm fine" he said softly.

"Is there anything I can do for you" she asked, eyes still big but now with worry. He shook his head, not being able to keep talking. He was to tired, to drained. She just kept looking at him, not believing him in the least.

"I don't want to go home" he finally admitted in a soft voice. Her face softened.

"Well you can stay over at our place, really, Mark is worried sick, he would be glad to see you" she offered. Her words jumbled through his mind. He had been avoiding Mark for a reason.

Funny, how you only realise what you still want to tell people, when your life has flashed before your eyes. Because that does happen. It definitely does.

"No, no, it's okay, don't bother, I'll just go home and see if I can get a hang of my dad" he said, keeping his voice straight with great effort.

"Don't be ridiculous" she said and turned around. Only a second later she had returned with a thick coat and her car keys in hand. "You're not staying alone" she said as she pushed him towards the exit.

He barely remembered anything about the drive there. It was silent and all he could do was stare outside and marvel about how numb he felt. He had not a scratch. He had no right to feel pained.

As soon as they arrived he noticed the figure standing in the open front door. He made no move to get out.

"Oh dear, just go in, I have to go back to my job, but please don't bottle everything up" she spoke and he looked back at her. She still looked extremely worried. She really cared. He sighed a little.

"Thank you" he managed to say and he scrambled out of the car.

As soon as he started walking towards the door, he saw the figure speeding towards him. Mark threw himself on top of him with great force and he barely managed to stay upright. He hugged him so tight he was afraid he might break.

"Can't breathe" he muttered and Mark's grip loosened a bit.

"For God's sake Jinyoung, I've been worried to death about you" he exclaimed "and then you didn't reply to my texts and you didn't answer my calls, and I was sure something bad had happened" Mark pulled out of the hug and suddenly stopped rambling. He stared straight at him.

He realised he must look terrible. With bags under his eyes from the lack of sleep and his body sagging because he didn't have the energy to stay upright. He had tried to sleep. Sleeping just proves to be hard when you're hunted by nightmares.

"What on earth's name happened" Mark asked. He didn't want to explain. Didn't want to hear Mark's pity too. Didn't want to have to talk about it. He looked right into Mark's eyes and said nothing. Something seemed to switch in Mark's brain.

"Alright, let's just get you inside, you must be freezing" Mark said as he guided him inside, half dragging him. As soon as they got inside warmth settled over him like a thick blanket. Mark took his jacket and his instincts immediately brought him to the living room.

Mark's house was like his second home. He would sometimes stay here for weeks almost when his dad was out of town again and his mother was working. Mark's parents were the nicest, always welcoming, never complaining about his presence. It was his second family.

He dropped his body on one of the couches and sighed deeply. The warmth didn't seem to fully reach him as he stared into nothing. Mark came back from the kitchen with two steaming mugs. No tea, Mark didn't really like tea, it was probably hot chocolate.

"You're still shivering" Mark remarked as he sat down next to him. He handed him a mug and he took it without even really noticing what he was doing. He almost spilled his drink as he tried to keep his hands from shaking. The lack of sleep and excessive amounts of stress were finally taking their toll on his body as all the cafaine had finally wore of. They sat in silence as slowly but surely the feeling in his body returned bit by bit.

"I'm sorry" he suddenly whispered. Mark's head snapped in his direction, his attention fully on him. "For not answering to your messages" he added as he took another sip.

"It's okay" Mark said. Of course it was okay, it was always okay. He looked at Mark as slowly the numbness began to fade. All the emotions suppressed by stress and cafaine and adrenaline finally, after two days, came back in their full power. He let out a sob and quickly tried to conceal his sounds. Of course Mark had already heard it.

Sadness, fear, guilt, relief, dread and worry all washed over him, throwing him out of the dream state he had been in.

"Oh God, we could've died" he said as he tried to hold back another sob. Mark's eyes grew with worry.

"It was you in the accident" he said. He looked at him as questioning as his face would let him look.

"It's been all over the news" he continued. Of course, of course it had been on the news.

"It really was you" Mark asked trying to get him to confirm it. He nodded slightly his hand still covering his mouth. His breathing became irregular, and soon he started hyperventilating. His fear grew as he saw the bright lights flashing before his eyes again. Mark's eyes widened.

"Jinyoung, hey Jinyoung, hey it's okay" he whispered as he pulled him into a hug. He burried his head on Mark's shoulder and couldn't keep back his tears anymore.

"I thought we were both going to die. And now my mom is in the hospital, and my dad doesn't even know yet, and I- I" he stopped talking and sobbed again. 

"It's okay, you're still here, you're okay" Mark said.

"I haven't slept in days, and if I try to, I just have nightmares all the time. They're still not sure if my mom will make it, she could stay in coma like this for ever. And I was so afraid of dying and not being able to ever see you again" he admitted, every feeling just escaping from his mouth.

"I love you" he muttered "if I don't say it now, who knows, I might die tomorrow, and I just want you to know that I love you okay" he said as he felt a huge weight fall off his shoulder. Mark hugged him tighter. What he didn't know was that Mark brushed off his statement as him just being overwhelmed and in a state of panick. Like he was drunk. He couldn't be meaning it.

When he finally pulled out of the hug, he had calmed down a little bit. Mark's hands didn't leave his face, and his thumbs slowly wiped away his last tears. They just stared at each other. His eyes swollen and red from crying, and dark from the lack of sleep. Mark's face beautiful as always, but with deep traces of worry and sadness.

"I promise it's going to be okay" Mark said. He sighed and nodded. Mark lowered his head onto his lap and began tracing his fingers through his hair. The calming motion and the release of emotions finally made the fatigue take over his body as he drifted off into a dream less sleep, not noticing the little kiss Mark placed onto his forehead anymore.
~
He woke up feeling a little less heavy and troubled, but Mark was gone. He sat up and rubbed his face. He only now realised that he hadn't had a nightmare that night. He sighed a little and rested his head in his hands. Maybe he should call his dad today.

He fished his phone out of his pocket and dialed his dad's number. The phone rang, and it rang again. His dad ended up not picking up, and the hollow beeps of the phone brought him down a little again. He finally fully realised that Mark wasn't around either and his mind started falling into a state of panick again.

He heard windows slam against their stil and floorboards creek. His vision blurred a little because he forgot to blink. His entire body froze and his breathing slowed. He noticed something dance across his line of vision, a blur of fabric and colours, coming closer to him. He blinked and snapped out of his trance as he heard Mark's voice filter through his ears.

"Jinyoung" 

"Yeah" he said.

"Are you okay" Mark asked worried.

"No" he sighed out. Mark sat down next to him.

"We can go there together today" Mark said. He nodded and looked at him in gratitude.
"But after you've eaten breakfast" he remarked and pulled him off the couch. He pushed him into a chair at their little diner table and made him breakfast. He watched him as he worked on the breakfast. He wondered what he'd do without him.

He sat down in front of him and slid one of the plates towards him. They ate in silence, Mark about twice as fast as him. When he finished he started tapping his hands on the table. He seemed nervous.

"About what you said last night" he started. He tried to think back at what he said, but his memory was all jumbled up.

"What did I say" he asked. It must have been something serious if it threw Mark off this bad.

"You don't remember" he asked while turning his face away from him a little.

"No" he answered softly.

"Nevermind then" Mark added. He finished his food in silence. Mark got up and left to get something as he stared at his plate lifelessly. He had completely broken down yesterday and shame clouded his thoughts. Mark had to see him like that, had to take all of his problems on his shoulders too. He shouldn't have.

"Jinyoung" Mark's voice snapped him out of his thoughts. His head shot up and he saw Mark looking at him with worry in his eyes. "Are you sure you're okay" he asked. He just nodded and got up.

"Let's just go" 

Back in the hospital he made his way through the familiar hallways towards his mother's room. He knocked, not waiting for an answer and walking right in. His mother still lay there her body in the same position as he left it yesterday. Mark walked up next to him and he took the freedom to grab his hand. Mark slowly intertwined their fingers as Jinyoung held on to him as if he was his only lifeline. Mark lightly squeezed his hand and he squeezed back.

"You must be mister Park" someone said behind them. He wanted to turn around but remembered he was still holding Mark's hand and for some reason didn't want to let go. The nurse came around them and walked towards his mother.

"Her conditions are improving" she said while checking up his mother "we're positive that she'll wake up soon" she said. He nodded and looked at Mark. He looked sad but smiled at him anyway. He managed a little smile back.

"I'm very sorry, but I have to ask you to leave for now" the nurse said "You can come back later" she reassured them. He started panicking a little, he didn't want to leave his mother again.

"Thank you" Mark spoke for him and softly pulled him out of the room. He turned back to Mark feeling like he was about to pass out for some reason. Mark looked at him and silently engulfed him into a hug. He hugged him back tightly.

"I'm sorry for being such a bother" he said into Mark's sweater.

"You're not" Mark whispered back "You know I'd do anything for you" he added so softly that Jinyoung almost didn't hear it. He pulled away to look at Mark's face.

"You what" he asked.

"Do you have any idea how worried I was when you just didn't reply to my messages or calls. How terrified I was that something bad had happened to you. I never want to feel like I have lost you again" Mark burst out "You mean too much to me for that" 

He looked at him in shock. It was like Mark had read his thoughts and spoken them. He gave him another bone crushing hug.

"And I love you too" he said. He pulled back and looked at him.

"Too" he asked. Suddenly a vague memory of what he had said yesterday flew through his mind. Mark smiled lopsided.

"Too" Mark confirmed bringing his face a little closer.

"What would I do without you" he managed to whisper before Mark softly kissed him in the middle of the hospital hallway in front of the room in which his mother just woke up.