He doesn't need to open his eyes to realize where he currently is. It is enough to feel the warm blanket on top of him, the clean sheet under him. It does seem strange to him that those things are the first he notices. Not the tubes, that connect him to the machines, the cold feeling where his skin touches them.

A consistent beeping sound in his ear.

He is not sure if it comes from his right or left, due to the mess his thoughts still are, barely graspable in the fog that clouds his senses.

Too many hospital clichés all at once.

When he opens his eyes, then the neon lights will blind him, too bright for his eyes that have been closed for way too long.

How long?

He doesn't know. Only remembers a short moment of pain and the nothing. For a moment he is afraid. Afraid of opening his eyes and to realize that years have gone by. The cold hands of panic reach out for him as the fog slowly clears. He wants to go back to the sweet silence of the void he just woke up from, doesn't want to hear what happened, doesn't want to see if everything that he imagined and expects is true.

The beeping sound was calming.

Now it grows faster, just like the heartbeat in his chest.

It is still beating.

Even though it seems to drive the fear through his body, more with every second, it still beast, fast, like it should.

" Kihyun."

Warm fingers touch his cheek, caress his cheek.

They are shaking.

Why are they shaking when they bring nothing but comfort to Kihyun? Warm hands, that take the fear away with every touch.

" Kihyun? Can you open your eyes? Are you able to?"

His lids twitch.

He wants to.

Really wants to.

But they are so heavy, as if they didn't want to open themselves to protect him. From the things that are waiting for him.

" Kihyun. Please. Just a moment."

How could he keep his eyes close when there are so many emotions that resonate in the voice?

He tries again.

It hurts because his eyes have been closed for far too long. But still, he manages. His lids only slowly open, but they do, clear the way for the light that pierces into his eyes like a dagger. He moans when the pain rushes through his head, shuts his eyes again.

A warm hand covers his closed lids.

" Slowly, take your time."

The touch disappears. But he still feels it close by. Slowly, he opens his eyes again, takes in the hand hovers close to his face, a protective wall to keep most of the light away from him.

He blinks a few times, the outlines of the hand grow sharper until he can make out the small scar on the thumb.

Hoseok has one there.

Kihyun manages to turn his head.

He is there.

Next to his bed, still slightly bend over him to protect him from the light.

He keeps silent, when Kihyun looks at him, takes in everything. The blood shed eyes and the dark circles under them, that haven't been there before. His lips, normally curled into a smile, now a thing line, chapped, pale.

Kihyun closes his eyes for a moment, so tired and exhausted.

" Kihyun?"

His voice will break, Kihyun can hear it. If he keeps his eyes closed now and falls asleep again, dives back into the darkness, then it will break. And together with it he won't be able to keep the tears back. And who is Kihyun to do that to his most precious person?

It takes all of his strength to opens his eyes again, the more to move his arm that feels so foreign next to him. It feels strange, wrong, as if it doesn't belong to him but it serves its purpose.

Too shortly.

But enough to touch Hoseoks pale cheek briefly. And there is still enough energy left in him to smile softly.

" I'm... awake..."

It would have been so easy for Hoseok to not understand him. His voice sounds raw. He wants to cough, to make it better, but it is too exhausting.

Hoseok watches him, something inscrutable in his features, his lips slightly parted.

Then, he takes Kihyuns hand in his, slumps down until his forehead touches their intertwined fingers and gives vent to his feelings.

No silent crying.

No lonely tear that drops to the ground, soon forgotten.

No crying for those with too much pride.

None of these.

A loud breakdown, sobbing and coughing. Some would say an ugly crying, but it is true, honest. A crying that had been suppressed for far too long and now that it comes out takes the fear with it and makes room for air.

Hoseok cries as if he had had the worlds heaviest load on his shoulders and finally got rid of it.

And Kihyun understands that this is what he needs right now. So he doesn't try to stop him and falls asleep again with a smile.

OOO

Hoseok stops in his tracks when he sees them.

Hyungwon found him first, having run outside after Minhyuk almost hysterically had called him.

Hoseok will remember this moment for a long long time. That small second that changed everything.

So short while the same moment it seemed to last for an eternity.

Minhyuk yells his name and rushes over to the lifeless body on the ground.

Hoseok will remember everything the others said later. He will remember how he ran over, only stopped right next to the bench Kihyun sat on a moment ago.

Kihyun, happy, alive, adorable Kihyun, his Kihyun is lying on the ground, paler than every, eyes closed.

He will remember how his gaze wandered to his chest, checking out if he is still breathing.

There.

A slow lifting and lowering.

He will remember all of that.

He won't remember how he was able to function, not how he fell to his knees next to him, how his hands were able to shakes Kihyuns seemingly lifeless body.

" What's wrong with him?" he manages to ask.

" I... I don't know...I...", Minhyuks gaze frantically wanders around, finds the forgotten syringe on the ground. " No no no!"

" What?!"

" Did he take his shot?!", Minhyuk almost painfully grabs him by his shoulder. " Did he take it already?! What did he say?!"

" I... I'm not sure... he seemed dizzy..."

He knows nothing anymore.

Only feels the coldness of Kihyuns body, his non reacting, the agony, the desperation, the fear that works his way through his body until he is fully engulfed in it.

" Ambulance!" Minhyuk frantically looks for his phone.

" I already called."

Hoseok forgot about Hyungwon close to them. He looks at him.

How the younger still knows how to react... how Minhyuk can still yell at everyone... how Hyunwoo can look out for the youngers... he can't understand. The only thing he is able to do is holding on to Kihyuns body, tears flowing down his cheeks.

" Kihyun... Kihyun....", he hears himself quietly plead. " Open your eyes... please..."

His shaking fingers wander over his face, run through his hair.

But nothing happens.

Only that horrible coldness and his limb body.

" Kihyun... come on..."

He only starts sobbing harder.

" Why isn't he responding...", he looks at Minhyuk. " What happens... if he didn't take the shot for too long..."

" I don't know what's wrong..."

" What happens?!"

" I don't know!"

Not knowing what will happen might be the worst feeling ever.

OOO

No one ever had to tell Hoseok.

He always knew he loved Kihyun. He didn't need a wake up call to remind him about it, never, not once. He has told Kihyun everyday, at least once. If not personally then by calling or texting him. No one ever had to tell him that he needs to cherish the ones that he loves, to show them that he does, to always remember that it is the greatest luck for him to have Kihyun.

Then why did it have to happen?

He had wanted to talk to Kihyun after coming back home. About the happenings of the day. That Kihyun had been right about being watched.

That Taesan and his men had been around them.

That the men had showed up that afternoon and he couldn't contact him out of that reason.

It was nothing dangerous. Just his former boss asking him to come back, that things have worked better with them. Even gave them a choice.

But Hoseok didn't want to and even though Taesan told him that he is fine with it, that he doesn't mean any harm to him or anyone around him, that he just wanted to talk, he had felt how every fibre in his body wanted him to get back to Kihyun, to tell him about it and to discuss things.

Maybe talking about leaving the city for a while until things are better. Kihyun has always been able to calm him down.

Hoseok will tell him after he wakes up.

After Hoseok has kissed and hugged and talked to him enough.

After that.

That is what Hoseok imagines while he waits next to his bed. How things would go if Kihyun had woken up a second time, in reality where happy endings exist.

But he doesn't.

He had misinterpreted his symptoms that day, tried to take another shot of insulin too late and fell into a diabetic coma. The ambulance came fast and two days after he woke up, that day when Hoseok felt like it is okay to hope just a tiny bit.

But his kidneys are severely damaged by now. Too much to handle for his already weak body.

Kihyuns name wanders to the top of the donor list but fitting organs are hard to find and Hoseok knows that this one time might have been the last time he had had the chance of talking to Kihyun when the doctors tell them to prepare for the worst.