One hours turns into two and then into three.
Kihyun left the bench for a nearby coffee  shop where he - due to his lack of paper- ended up frantically filling out tissues with numbers , trying to get an overview of his finances in his agitated state.
Around 11 he is positive that it will be a financial disaster. And he is sure he has pretty much a million other things to worry about at the moment that are so much more important than his finances, but money is easier to worry about  than the fear of failing kidneys. He can ask people for money, he can't get himself a new kidney that easily and that is scaring the out of him.

Only close to 12 he realises that he abandoned his phone quiet a while ago.

He grimaces when he checks it.

Various calls and texts from different people over the past hours.

From: Hoseok
(8:44pm)
It takes much longer? Should I come and get you with the car?

Missed call: Hoseok
(9:11pm)

From: Hoseok
(9:47pm)
Why aren't you answering? ㅠㅠ Your boss will keep you there for much longer?

From: Minhyuk
(10:01pm)
Answer your ing messages!!!!!!! Why are you even working today??????

Missed call: Minhyuk
(10:26pm)

From: Jooheon
(10:37pm)
Hyung. Everyone is getting worried.

From: Jooheon
(10:42pm)
Still worried

From: Jooheon
(10:50pm)
More worried

Missed call: Hoseok
(10:55pm)

Missed call: Hoseok
(11:02pm)

Missed call: Hoseok
(11:10pm)

From: Minhyuk
(11:22pm)

What Minhyuk had to tell him forty minutes ago Kihyun doesn't find out anymore because there the next call comes in.

He answers, feeling more than abashed.

" Hey…"

" Thank God...I was getting worried over here.", Minhyuk sighs into the speaker. " Care to explain why we couldn't reach you for hours? HOURS!"

" I'm sorry...I was busy."

"With what?"

"Stuff."

"Kihyun…" he threatens lowly. Kihyun rubs over his dry eyes. " I know Minhyuk. I'm sorry. Okay? Are you still at Hoseoks?"

"Yes. I need to tell them to stay inside."

" Inside?"

" We wanted to look for you after you decided your stuff was more important than a small message. He's fine!" The last part he yells something over to someone.

" I'm sorry, Minhyuk."

"Yeah. Whatever."

He doesn't sound too pleased, almost pissed off.

" Can I… come over?"

"Do what you want. I don't feel like talking at the moment."

And he hangs up.

 

 

OOO

 

 

 

 

Kihyun never felt that jittery while standing in front of their door.

Not even on their first visit when he still wasn't with Hoseok.

He slowly types in the code and quietly opens the door.

He leaves his shoes in the hallway and slowly walks to the living room where three people wait for him.

Kihyun averts his gaze when even Hoseok doesn't smile at him.

" You came." Minhyuk snaps at him from the couch, arms crossed in front of his chest.

" Yeah…", he swallows heavily. " I'm sorry, guys."

" Your boss. He told us you weren't at work today." Hoseok says and Kihyun knows he is angry.

It's alright though.

There is a high chance he would be angry too.

Well… he was angry when Hoseok left him without a word that night when Chihwan went rampage.  It is only right for him to endure his anger.

" I lied."

"That much we figured out."

Jooheons gaze wanders between Hoseok and Kihyun.

" Care to explain? It is the least you can do after worrying us like that." Minhyuk says.

Kihyun feels like .

Because he acted like a spoiled brat.

Because he worried them.

Because he is scared they hate him now.

Because Hoseok hasn't smiled even once.

Because Minhyuk keeps his distance to him.

Because he has no money.

And because he hasn't figured anything out.

"Great…" he mumbles when he feels the tears.

When did he become such a cry baby?

He wipes over his eyes with his sleeve but to not avail.  

" No need to cry, Kihyun."

Minhyuks voice grow a whole lot softer by now but it doesn't help at all to stop Kihyuns tear now that they started to flow.

" I sat in a coffee shop and tried to figure out how to pay for therapy because I forgot to ask the doctor. I forgot to ask about anything and--", he pulls out the tissues he carelessly pushed into his pocket and half of it falls to the ground. "--"

He crouches down to gather them.

" This is all I could come up with but it won't be enough and I definitely need to quit one of my jobs but I'm not sure which one... and... I should have asked her."

He pauses, only have of the tissues in his hands.

" I should have asked her... I only could think of counting..."

 

 

OOO

 

 

 

 

Kihyun really seems to have no clue  about how beautiful he is to Hoseok or how much he really loves the guy, Hoseok decides when he sick of worry hears Minhyuk telling them that Kihyun is fine and on his way to them.

How freaking much he loves Kihyun and he simply forgets to tell him that he is fine.

Hoseok is furious.

And even though he wants nothing more than to hug Kihyun when he comes in because his heart always has done and will do the skipping thing he stays on the couch.

" I sat in a coffee shop..."

He pulls tissues out of his pockets and they fall too the ground.

Why are his hands shaking like this? And has Kihyun always been this tiny and small, so pale?

Did they do this to him?

His Kihyun… he would have discussed things with them, like the responsible person he is. Always talking things out and finding a solution for everything so everyone feels okay.

Now he only wants to grab his tissues... what are those even… and then just stays there, on the ground.

Crying.

And that is something Hoseok can't and will never be able to deal with. No matter how much he has ed up, Hoseok won't leave him alone to cry.

" Stop crying, Kihyun." he gets up from the couch and walks over to him.

" I'm really sorry for lying."

"I know.", Hoseok sits down next to him and wipes away a few tears that soon get replaced by others. " Just tell me the reason. Let's talk things out like we always do."

"Are you mad at me?"

"I was."

Kihyun only cries the more.

" Kihyun…", Hoseok tries to sooth him, his chest aching for his boyfriend.

" I was at the hospital."

" What?"

" She said... my kidney function grew worse. So much that I need dialysis from now on..."

Hoseok didn't expect that.

Not at all.

Kihyun was doing well. They looked out for him more than enough. He took his medication on time.

" She said… what?"

" I need to start dialysis soon. And I don't know what the insurance covers and I won't be able to keep both of my jobs and I don't want my blood to be pumped into me again and what if I need a transplant. Will my savings be enough... Does it hurt…"

"Kihyun. Kihyun, hey."

He almost hyperventilates and Hoseok cups his face to calm him down. " We'll figure it out, okay. No reason to cry."

"I'm not crying because of that."

"Why then?"

Kihyun sobs once more and leans his forehead against Hoseoks shoulder. " Because all of you are mad at me and that is so scary to me at the moment because right now being lonely is the last thing I want to be. I didn't mean to… I was only counting and forgot the time…"

Oh God… how much he loves Kihyun.

 

 

 

OOO

 

 

 

 

Kihyun is fast asleep when Hoseok peeks inside his bedroom once again.
He must have been so tired and fell asleep as soon as his head touched the pillow. Hoseok observes his breathing for a moment before he goes back to Jooheon and Minhyuk in the living room, both of them waiting in silence and lost in their own thoughts.

Hoseok heavily falls into the armchair, for a moment to overwhelmed to speak.

Minhyuk is the first to act.

" This is the tiest situation ever."

"Yeah… it is." Jooheon agrees, nothing left of his usual energetic self.

" I'm so much in love with this guy it is getting ridiculous." Hoseok says, feeling as if he found out the answer to everything.

Minhyuk faces. " That is nice to know but... Why saying this now?"

"Because…", Hoseoks bends forward and supports his elbows on his legs. " Because... … I don't even know what to say anymore. Because… I will do anything I can to make it easier for him."

Minhyuk smiles warmly at him. " Thanks."
"This was the last time he got desperate like that.", Hoseok is back on his feet, not able to sit calmly. " I hate seeing him cry like that... It almost physically hurts."

"I feel bad that we stressed him out like that." Jooheon says quietly.

" It was right of us.", Minhyuk disagrees. " Any other day he would have been fine with it. He did make a mistake, but no one could know the reason for it."

Jooheon plays with his fingers. " Yes… normally he is more collected."

"He feels a lot of pressure.", Minhyuk runs a hand through his blonde hair. " I need to call his doctor tomorrow and talk things through with her. After that let's have a chat with everyone."

Hoseok starts biting his lip.  He got rid of the habit a while ago but he feels so nervous inside that he can't help it.

" Minhyuk?" he asks into the silence.

The other looks at him and signals him to talk.

" I'm scared I'm going to loose him… to that…", a too deep bite and he tastes a bit of blood in his mouth. " Really scared all of sudden."

Minhyuks face is blank for a moment.

Then he leans his head against the wall. " Please. Dialysis isn't the end of the world. Yoo Kihyun will nag at us for many many more years. Promised."

And Hoseok really wants to believe him.

He really wants to believe him after he build a bed for Minhyuk on the couch and after he got into his sleeping attire.

After he brushed his teeth and carefully went to bed next to Kihyun in order not to wake him up.

After he pulled out his mobile and researched Kihyuns sickness like he did so many times before.

After he found hopeful stories about people living fairly well with the disease and others, that went through hell and back.

Hoseok shuts his phone off and turns to the side. Kihyun is still fast asleep. Until today Hoseok can't understand how he falls asleep on his back.  He is a total stomach sleeper.

One of Kihyuns hand peeks out of the blanket and Hoseok takes it. He places gentle kisses on his knuckles.

" Be healthy.", he whispers into the dark. " I don't know what to do without you."

He really doesn't know.

Maybe, if one day Kihyun shouldn't be by his side anymore he would be able to live.

Technically everybody is able to live, even without their loved ones.

But… he wouldn't do it happily.

He simply wouldn't want to because Kihyun had such an impact on him and plays such a huge part in his life by now that he doesn't even want to imagine living it without him.

The smallest things.

Like this small mole under his eye.

How his lips slightly part in his sleep.

His hate for shoes in the hallway.

How nagging is the air that he breaths.

When he is acting so rational one moment and in the next is a crying mess.

Him making caramel coffee for Hoseok. With extra caramel.

How he cannot count without using his fingers.

His shy I love you's.

How he looks out for his friends.

How he tries to act cool and ends up as the cutest fail.

His pointless over thinking.

Him… being Kihyun.

Hoseok circles his arms around Kihyuns waist and pulls him into his chest, finally trying to close his eyes and to fall asleep. In his sleep Kihyun snuggles closer to him and Hoseok once again feels the almost unbearable urge to protect him.

No.

It's not an option for things to go badly.

Not at all.

 

 

 

OOO

 

 

 

 

Kihyun wakes up to gentle fingers that run through his hair.

He slowly opens his eyes and blinks into the light.

" Good morning."

Hoseok smiles down at Kihyun from where he is sitting on the bed next to him.

Kihyun needs a few more moments to wake his mind up. He keeps blinking at his boyfriend until the other chuckles.

" Banana?"

Kihyun nods, even though he is not really getting want he wants. Hoseok reaches out for a plate on the nightstand where he put a few fruits. He peels the banana and pokes Kihyun lips with it.

" Ahh."

Kihyun takes a small bite and chews slowly.

Memories from last night slowly come up. He groans in distress.

" I messed up yesterday."

"A bit."

Kihyun turns sideways, moves closer until his forehead touches Hoseoks thigh. " I'm sorry."

"You're forgiven, Kihyun. Promise me not to do it again and we're good."

"I won't. I really am so sorry."

"Kihyun.", Hoseok pokes his cheek. " Stop apologizing. Fights happen. It's over."

"Okay."

"Take another bite."

Kihyun slowly sits up and takes the banana from Hoseok. As he chews it he can feel Hoseoks gaze on him. The other reaches out and pushes the hair out of his face.

" I feel bad for not realising how pale you got."

"I've always been pale."

"You must have felt worse lately.", Hoseok says, his voice turning serious. " Why didn't you tell me?"

Kihyun finished half of the banana. " It wasn't like I felt too much worse. Just... enough to make me feel nervous. That is why I wanted to wait until visiting the doctor… why do you look so sad all of sudden?"

Hoseok looks at the blanket. " I feel bad that you had to go there alone."

"No, no! Please no! I'm the one to blame! Hoseok…", Kihyun puts the banana on the plate and reaches for his hand. " I'm sorry for not telling you."

"It felt terrible."

" It felt terrible?"

Hoseok hugs him tightly, as good as he can with blankets and pillows in the way. " Fighting with you is the apocalypse for me.", he kisses Kihyun cheek. " Let me hug you a lot today."

"As much as you want."

"Now you said it and can't take it back.", Hoseok takes the half eaten banana from the plate and gives it back to him.

" Finish this. And the get ready."

"For what?"

"Appointment at the hospital."

"What appointment? "

"Minhyuk called your doc this morning. She made some time for us.", Hoseok softly pokes the area where he assumes Kihyun right kidney is located. " We need to get that thing into working again."

 

 

 

 

OOO

 

 

 

 

 

Kihyun needs more time to get ready this morning. He feels a bit dizzy when he tries to stand up and subtly sinks back down on the mattress. But why is he even trying? Of course Hoseok saw and before he can try a second attempt he needs to empty a cup of water.

It is working well after that.

He manages to get dressed and washed up pretty fast and soon finds himself at the table in front of healthy cornflakes - without sugar of course.

" Kihyun.", Minhyuk whines and refuse to stop hugging him sideways. "I'm so sorry for making you cry."

"I told you I was wrong."

"But you didn't feel well."

"Minhyuk…"

There, his friends mood takes a turn and Kihyun gets slapped over the head. " And why the hell didn't you tell me?! Hhh?! You must have noticed something is going on!"

" My stomach felt upset a lot more of times and the dizziness got worse but I didn't want to worry you."

"Phh.", Minhyuk scoffs and shares as gaze with Hoseok. " Not worrying us."

The other nods. " I don't know in which parallel universe he lives in."

"Kihyun. Just it up. Got it? You will not escape us."

Kihyun doesn't feel like he has a lot to say in that matter so he just keeps quiet. Minhyuk went back to cooing over him either way so no need to push it.

 

 

OOO

 

 

The same frustration that overwhelmed Kihyun the evening before hits him during the appointment with his doctor. It is a whole lot better though because he has Hoseok and Minhyuk with him and they keep the fear at bay and talk to the doctor about the things Kihyun simply forgets because his head is a mess.

He feels their gazes piercing his back when they leave the hospital. He keeps walking though, thoughts running like crazy.

Three times a week at least, up to five hours and afterwards he might be too tired to function well. That means that he most probably can't keep working at the bookstore. The coffee shop offers better working hours, flexible. He definitely needs to call the insurance company today. And he should check how much there is on his bank account.  Should he already worry about a donor? He is not at high risk, so he will do well with dialysis for a longer time. Maybe he could--

" Kihyun."

It is Hoseok that embraces him from behind, puts his chin on his shoulder. He holds him tightly, his arms fitting perfectly around him.

" Stop it."

" What?"

" Minhyuk has called your name for the past minute. You're over thinking things again."

" But there ar--"

Hoseok turns him around so he can look at him. He takes his time with tightening the scarf around Kihyuns neck and smoothes a hair strand that slightly sticks out.

" There are people that will help you with this." he says with his warm smile.

Minhyuk reaches them and pokes his forehead with his finger as he passes them. " Seriously. You think you have to do this alone? I'm offended, best friend."

Kihyun follows him with his gaze when he takes the car key out of Hoseoks pocket and leaves them for the car.

" I'm... scared..." he slowly says, eyes still on anything but Hoseok.

" Me too.", Hoseok puts an arm around Kihyun and draws him to his side. " How about being scared together?"

Kihyun lifts his gaze, mouth slightly agape because he wants to say something, hell, there are millions of things he wants to get out but nothing passes his lips.

" You'll be fine, Kihyun. I will stick with you no matter what, okay?"

And Kihyun nods, believing his every word and realizing that he has never been more in love than in this moment where he expected to feel anything but that enormous love for Hoseok.