It feels like a déjà vu when Kihyun wakes up the next time.

The same smell.

The same itchy feeling.

The beeping sound.

The tubes.

Only the voice that quietly calls him is different.

"--ung. Hyung.", warm fingers ghost over his skin. " Are you awake?"

Kihyun slowly opens his eyes. His gaze wanders around aimlessly, focuses on the face that bends over him. Soon, the features grow sharper.

" Hyung?"

Jooheon appears pale and more frightened than Kihyun has ever seen him before.

" What h--"

He has to cough, the words rub like sandpaper over his dry throat.

" Wait!"

Hastily, Jooheon grabs an cup with a straw from the small table close to the bed and holds it out to Kihyun. He takes a careful sip and the cold water soothes the pain.

" More?"

Kihyun softly shakes his head and sinks back into his pillow.

" How do you feel?"

" Absolutely whacked."

" I'll get the others!"

Jooheon his a pile of nervousness all of sudden when he gets back on his feet and hurries over to the door. He is already half way outside when he turns back to Kihyun.

" Don't fall asleep, hyung!"

"Hmm."

" I'll be back soon!"

He closes the door only to be back a second later.

" I'm serious! You can't fall asleep!"

Kihyun groans as a response and the door closes again. He can't really assess how long Jooheon is gone, but soon, he hears footsteps outside. Someone yanks open the door.

" Kihyun!"

A while wave of Minhyuk pours over him.

" Don't you ever do that again!"

" Hyuk... my arm..."

" Next time I will choke you with my own hands!"

" Hyung! You'll squeeze him to death!" Changkyun takes Minhyuk by his upper arm and pulls him away, only to cling to Kihyun himself.

" Are you feeling okay?"

Kihyun can't understand what is going on. All the more when he sees the suspicious wetness in Minhyuks eyes. His friend rarely cries... why would he start all of sudden...

" What happened?"

Minhyuk takes his hand.

" You...", he pauses and wipes over his eyes, cursing under his breath. " I swore to myself I wouldn't cry.

" Why would you cry?"

" Because...", he still runs his hand over Kihyuns arm. " Just..."

The door opens again and a doctor and a nurse come in. His friends only unwillingly leave his side and let them do their work, checking over the machines and asking Kihyun a few questions.

" Doc.", Minhyuk touches him by the shoulder when he finished writing down some numbers and tells Kihyun that he seems to do well. " I will tell him."

The unfamiliar doctor nods, sends Kihyun another smile and leaves him.

Kihyun starts to wonder how long they have been here for them to be kind of close like that.

" I'm getting nervous over here." Kihyuns gaze wanders through the hospital room after they left, takes a look at everyone in the room and then realizes that two faces are missing.

One belongs to Hyunwoo.

The second.

" Where is Hoseok?", he slowly wants to sit up straight but it is too exhausting and Jooheon won't let him anyway.

" Don't move too much, hyung."

" Where are Hyunwoo and Hoseok?", Kihyun asks once again with as much forces as he can muster. " Hoseok... he was here when I woke up earlier."

His gaze wanders over his body under the blanket, a few tubes still connected to him.

" Why am I here... what..."

Silence.

They exchange gazes Kihyun read.

" Okay. Enough. Tell me what is going on."

" Kihyun...", Minhyuk starts hesitantly. " You waking up... it has been almost two weeks since then."

Kihyun freezes.

Once seconds he feels way too hot under the blanket, then an icy coldness seems to run through his body.

" Hyung." Changkyun touches him by the shoulder, worry written all over his face.

" Two... weeks?"

Minhyuk nods.

" Why the hell would I be out of it for two whole weeks?"

" Promise me to stay calm when I tell you. You just underwent surgery."

Kihyun is sure that his heart stopped for a second but since he is still connected to a heart machine and it indicates nothing he might have got it wrong.

He realized the moment he woke up that something wasn't right. Of course it wasn't because he is in a freaking hospital.

" Surgery?"

Hyungwon takes his cold hand in his, pleading eyes directed at him. " Please stay calm, hyung. We waited for a long time for you to wake up."

" Maybe we should wait for the doctor." Jooheon suggests.

" No.", Kihyun counters. " I want to know what is going on."

He coughs again when the words almost get stuck in his throat again.

Minhyuk once again takes the water from the table. " Drink more water."

Kihyun does as he was told. Had his throat ever been this dry? When he is finished Minhyuk hands the water to Hyungwon and takes a seat next to Kihyun on the bed.

" You... went into a diabetic coma after some complications.", he starts." You woke up, but ...your kidneys failed at such a fast rate that you needed a transplant."

" You are kidding me..."

" I wished I was." Minhyuk says so seriously and with so many emotions in his eyes that Kihyun believes every word in an instant

" There wasn't... a donator...and... ... of course all of us would have given you one... two for all I care. But we didn't fit.", he swallows heavily. " Your body slowly started to shut off. The doctors told us to... prepare for the worst."

" The worst?", Kihyun almost laughs out loud. " You trying to tell me I almost died?"

Sometimes no answer is the best answer, like in this moment.

" You are serious..."

Kihyun wipes over his face with both hands, tries to get his racing thoughts into order. When he opens his eyes again he pleadingly looks at the others, feeling like crying all of sudden.

" Where is Hoseok`?"

The only person that could calm him now.

Jooheon averts his gaze.

Changkyun looks to the ground.

Hyungwon bites his bottom lip.

It is Minhyuk, that squeezes his hand. " It is too much at once, isn't it?"

" You are scaring me... I want Hoseok to come here."

" He...can't at the moment."

" Why? I want him to be here. Where is he?"

Minhyuk seems desperate when the beeping sound turns faster. He cups Kihyuns face in an attempt to calm him down. " Can't we talk about that later? You just woke up."

" Minhyuk... please. You are scaring the out of me. Where is he? Where did he go? Why--"

" Hoseok hyung.", Hyungwon moves closer to his bed. " He is alright. But... he is with Taesan."

" With Taesan? Why... why would he be? What are you saying?"

" When you... didn't wake anymore... hyung... he was more than desperate. I have never seen him like that. Taesan, he has his hands in everything. Organ trade, too. So hyung went back to him. Taesan offered him a deal. A new kidney for you and... and for that hyung would return to him. So he left together with Hyunwoo hyung without telling us beforehand."

 

 

 

 

 

OOO

 

 

 

The hours after that won't pass.

Kihyun is strangely calm, almost lethargic. He lies in his bed and stares at the ceiling. He notices how the others keep watching him, takes the pills he has to, answers the questions of the doctors and endures the check ups without complaining.

He has to be silent now. Has to try to think about all the ed up news and to bring his thoughts into order. Has to keep the fear and the worry and the feeling of guilt at bay.

Of course he is happy that he has survived, that he has new kidneys because due to the words of the doctors he was so close to be gone forever, just like that.

But to him, Hoseok and Hyunwoo are more important at the moment. He didn't know that he was dying. He felt nothing. He wasn't scared and if it would have been too late he would have just left without even noticing.

He is happy, but it doesn't have the highest significance at the moment.

In fact, the worry pains him a lot more. He remembers how Hoseok kept talking about Taesan. He knew how much he hated the thought of getting back there. What, if something happens?

Once again, his boyfriend saves him.

Once again, his body must things up for them and he feels so guilty for that.

It almost physically hurts.

" Hey...", Minhyuk says softly when a lonely tear runs down Kihyuns cheek. " It was stupid of him. And dangerous. I understand. But... you were asleep. You were dying. You can't even imagine how desperate he was."

Kihyun inhales deeply. " Please don't think that I'm not thankful to be alive. But... I'm scared."

" He'll be fine.", Jooheon reassures. " They'll be back."

" Can I see him shortly at least?"

" They think it is better to stay away from now. Until Taesan keeps his guard down."

" Call them?"

" Only when they do first."

So it keeps hurting.

 

 

 

 

OOO

 

 

 

 

 

Later in the evening, Kihyun falls asleep and only the opening of the door wakes him a bit later.

" I told you I'm almost there............... yes................... no...................... I can't run in a hospital, god damn."

Kihyun turns to Jooheon who enters the room.

" Two seconds."

He takes the mobile away from his ear, a warm smile on his lips.

" You think you are able to take a call?"

Kihyuns heartbeat fastens.

" Hoseok?" he asks, his voice only a hopeful whispering.

Jooheon nods.

Kihyun tries to sit up, but it is still hard for him and Jooheon moves over to help him.

" Here."

He gives him the phone and after once more checking over Kihyun leaves the room.

The mobile almost falls out of his hand when Kihyun presses it to his ear way too fast.

" Hoseok?"

Silence at the other end of the line.

" Hoseok, you are there?"

Slow breaths.

" Say something.", Kihyun pleads. " Are you okay? Is something wrong? Hoseok?"

" I thought..."

Kihyuns breaths gets stuck in his throat when he finally talks. With wide eyes he stares at the wall, doesn't take in the too big closet and the sink. He spend the last weeks in a coma. He didn't even realize that much time has gone by and still, when he hears Hoseoks voice it feels like his whole body noticed all this time that he wasn't by his side.

" I thought I wouldn't be able to talk to you anymore.", a barely audible chuckle, a realisation. " You're awake."

Kihyun swallows heavily, his bottom lip quivers.

" How are you?" he manages to ask.

" Better than I have been for a long time."

Why does he have to be that far away?

" Why did you do that?" Kihyun whispers.

He can understand.

And he can't.

He would have done the same for Hoseok. Hoseok should have never done this for him.

" Because I could. And because I realized something.", Hoseoks answers after a moment, his voice more gentle than ever. " I realized that it was possible to function without you. I slept, I ate. Automatically, it worked. In a matter of functioning I would have been able to live without you but... it didn't matter anymore because... the thought of being without you took my breath and my chest felt like it was ripped apart. I ate because they forced me and even though I slept... only a few hours at a time when my body was too tired to stay awake any longer."

The urge to be with him is growing to almost unbearable and Kihyun doesn't know how to handle it anymore. His takes one of the pillows in his arms, presses it to his chest like his life depends on it.

" Yes. Living without you is possible. It's just not... living anymore. So the decision was quiet easy for me and I would do it again. I would have given you both of my kidneys. Every organ in my body."

He is saying it with a smile, Kihyun can feel it. And that almost rips him apart like Hoseok described it a moment ago, because how can Hoseok still love him like that when the only thing he brings him is chaos.

" I feel so guilty.

" Don't."

" How couldn't I?"

" Don't.", Hoseok says gently. " You should have felt guilty for dying on me but you didn't. And I'm happy."

" Really?"

" Kihyun... don't cry. I'm trying to be strong over here."

" It won't stop."

Kihyun tries so hard to keep the tears at bay. He manages not to break out into loud sobbing, but can't stop the tears from falling onto his blanket.

" I love you, Hoseok. And I miss you."

A few sniffs on the other end of the line, Hoseoks quite chuckle. " I'm done... I thought I could keep it together."

" You're the biggest cry baby among us."

" Says the one who started it."

Kihyun smiles under tears.

This is, how things should be between them.

Nothing else.

Never.

" Don't do that ever again, Kihyun. Okay? I really thought I'd go crazy." Hoseoks says after a moment both need to catch themselves again.

" How will things be from now on?" Kihyun asks instead of responding. He promised him so often, he won't do it again.

" You will get healthy again. And I will try to contact you when I'm sure there is no one around. I don't want Taesan to think I'm not keeping my part of the contract. And as soon as my work here is done I will be back."

" Where are you?"

" Don't ask. It is better you don't know."

" When will that work be over?"

Hoseok is quiet for a moment too long. " I don't know."

Panic flares up in Kihyuns chest. " You will be back?"

" You think I could stay away from you?"

" Is it dangerous?" He can't stop the questions from leaving his lips.

" No. Taesan is... calm at the moment. We were his best workers. He's glad to have us back so he treats us alright."

Kihyun didn't want to ask because he fears what the answer will be.

" Those kidneys..."

" Don't.", Hoseok stops him midsentence. " Just know that Taesan has connections and no one got killed."

" But--"

" Don't."

" Where are you?"

" Kihyun...", Hoseoks sighs. " Please. I can't tell you. To be honest, I shouldn't even call you right now. Just stay calm."

" How do you want me to keep it together when I don't know where you are? Is Hyunwoo okay?"

" He is. Wonho will protect us both."

" You know I'm not his biggest fan."

" Still, he needs to be here right now."

His voice grows only warmer when he keeps talking. " I'm sorry I can't tell you anything. It is part of the deal. But... I love you. And I miss you so badly. So please promise me to get healthy again and I'll be back soon."

" Can't you just leave?"

" You know I won't do anything to hurt the deal. I'm not putting you in any kind of danger."

Just the thing Kihyun didn't want to hear.

" Is there nothing I can do?" Kihyun tries.

" Don't interfere in any way. That would help me the most.", for a moment he is gone from the phone. " Kihyun..."

Kihyun grabs the phone tighter. " Sounds like you have to leave."

" Yes. I'm sorry. I don't want to but people are close by."

" Will you call again?"

" Of course."

" When?"

" I can't tell you.", he responds sadly. " Be careful, Kihyun. Only do that for me. I can not bear loosing you or seeing you like that again. I love you. I will call you and I will be back. Trust me with that."

" I trust you... I don't trust the others."

" You only need believe in me. There is nothing that will keep me away from you."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

OOO

 

 

 

 

 

Hoseok ends the call with much difficulty, but he manages to.

He looks at the receiver in the phone booth for a moment longer. His fingers wander to his face. He can feel the smile, at the same time notices the traces of tears on his face.

All of sudden, everything makes sense again.

He is doing the thing he hates so much for someone.

Kihyun is awake.

He will be fine.

Finally, it feels like the air reaches his lungs again, the chains that seemed to restrain his breathing are finally gone.

His smile grows wider, the tears are almost forgotten.

He misses Kihyun only more after talking to him, the pain like a cut right through him. But the missing isn't futile anymore.

Kihyun is waiting for him.

And he will do everything possible to get back to him.

Slowly, he opens the door and walks out into the night.

Hyunwoo waits next to the booth and pulls Hoseoks hood over his head. It had started to rain.

" He is okay?"

" Hmm.", Hoseok hums back. " We can go back."

" Is it better now?"

Hoseok smiles, nods slowly. " Better than I could have ever hoped for."

He pushes his hands into his pockets and softly bumps his shoulder into Hyunwoos.

" Let's go."