Punching Taesan is fairly easy.

Kihyun is not sure if the reason is that the man didn't expect him to lunge at him just like that. On the tinier side, narrow shoulders and still scarred from his kidney failure, enough facts that should keep him from it.

Maybe no one has ever gone against Taesan and he is used to people crawling in the dirt in front of him. Maybe his arrogance is too big to even expect a punch.

Kihyun still knows how to do it right. When his anger management problems reached  their peak, fights were a weekly thing for him. He is still not sure what triggered him that much those years. Maybe it is something he was born with. Minhyuk said it was the frustration that build up for far too long and that finally needed an outlet.

No matter the reason, Kihyun hated it. Hated how easily he lost control, how his mind shut down and how he turned way too violent. So he started to work on it, let Minhyuk drag him away as soon as he felt the familiar heat rushing through  his veins. It started to work and soon everything felt like a distant memory.

He always knew it laid dormant somewhere inside of him, waiting to break through once again, and today, of all days, it happened.

Of course it would.

The satisfaction in Taesans features was way too overwhelming when he talked about Hoseok begging him. Kihyun can't and won't deal with such a thing, no matter how scared he was minutes ago. Not when Hoseok put everything on the line only for him.

But he should have known from the beginning there is only so much he can do. That his body isn't fully recovered yet and that Taesan has experienced worse fights than this.

But when Kihyun looks at him from the ground where he fell to after Taesan almost knocked him out, when he sees the blood dripping from Taesans split lip where he got him, the blow to his face isn't hurting as bad anymore and he can deal with the wet, warm liquid spilling from his nose. For a short moment he even feels great about it.

Then he realises where he is situated, gazes at the sky above him, feels the soft grass under his back and notices how the fury got knocked out of him with one strong punch, like it hadn't been there from the beginning.

As if his emotions know that there was nothing more for him to do, as if they know that his body can't handle more.

It is better like that, Kihyun thinks. Now, there is space left in his head, not all his thoughts are in the ugly claws of the anger. Space left to enjoy the utter look of disbelief Taesan is wearing, but just like that enough space to regret things.

How much he regrets doing it from one second to another.

He regrets, because under the disbelief, the confusion and the shame, he believes to see the same fury in Taesans eyes that he felt earlier igniting in his own. And Taesan isn't someone that looses control like Kihyun would. His revenge will be calculated and while he can still feel the fear for himself, the fact that he could project his anger on someone else, on Hoseok, panics him way more and chills him downright to his bones.

What the hell did do...

He averts his eyes, looks back into the afternoon sky, the grey clouds perfectly describing what is going on down here and another wave of regret, maybe shame, washes over Kihyun.

What did he do...

He should have never come out, he should have never lost control, he should have never given Taesan a reason to hate them even more. But he did and he is scared that others have to deal with the consequences. So scared suddenly, now that the adrenaline washes out of him.

Taesan isn't satisfied with one punch. He wants more, Kihyun notices when he grimaces in another wave of hurt pride and spiking anger. Kihyun just hopes that he won't go for his side. Hoseok and Hyunwoo took a lot on them to get that kidney for him and he is not sure if it will survive a kick that shortly after surgery.

Kihyun can't say he is scared for his life. For that, his head is starting to hurt too much after the punch, there is still too much adrenaline in his body, and in the end, he deserved everything that is coming for him. He ed up their plan in the blink of an eye and still can't get his thoughts around how he could manage to so easily.

He isn't scared for his life.

Not yet.

Maybe if Taesan finally draws closer and starts his work. Running won't be an option, he is way too exhausted.

But another time, he is saved the last second.

He already prepares himself for the inenvitable pain when someone appears in his field of view, shields him from Taesans burning gaze. Then another one joins him. A third one.

Jihoons men.

" Sorry Tae, we need him to stay alive a bit longer. Let me get your punching back inside and then we'll discuss things further."

Kihyun blinks into a familiar face.

" Feel like you can walk?"

He automatically shakes his head. His legs feel like pudding.

" For s sake..."

Strong arms heave him up from the ground and Kihyun gets shouldered over Jihoons broad shoulder.

It is when they are already halfway over to the house when Taesans angry yelling starts. So angry that the words seem to hit Kihyun like arrows, even though he is metres away. Kihyun wants to shield his ears but his arms just hang there lifelessly.

" Wanna tell me what you were trying to do?" the sing song left Jihoons voice and for a moment Kihyun believes he can hear the criminal in his words.

" I didn't ask for help." he mumbles.

" You couldn't ask for help, . You must have missed it, but Taesan was this close to beating the out of you and he would have if Minhyuk hadn't told me about your little stunt. Why the would you leave the goddamn house?"

He kicks open the door with his foot and it closes behind them with a loud thud.

" Care to explain?"

He climbs the stairs, not the slightes bit out of breath even though Kihyun is hanging over his shoulder. 

What should Kihyun tell him? That the fits he came into contact with in the past are back and drove him over the edge?

" Kihyun. That wasn't a request. You're going to ing tell me so I can try to fix things or I swear to God-", he opens the door to his office with way too much momentum. " - Taesan kicking your into oblivion will be your smallest problem!"

They are met by silence. If Kihyun would have lifted his gaze he would have seen how all eyes are on them, how a jittery Minhyuk jumps on his feet when they enter, how Hoseok stops his interrogation of the blonde about his whereabouts from one second to another.

He is still thrown over Jihoons shoulder, so he can't.

" Take him. For s sake I'm so ing pissed off I can barely look at him." he struts further into the room and for a second Kihyun expects Jihoon to throw him to the ground.

Instead, he unceremoniously shoves him off his shoulder and Kihyun more or less softly falls into Hoseoks lap on the couch. His boyfriend holds him before he can fall onto the ground.

Kihyuns hurting head almost screams out in relief after the change of position, everything else screams at him to get out of the room as soon as possible, away from the worried glances, the questioning looks.

He wants to fight things out only with Jihoon. Jihoon is ugly like him. If Jihoon despised him for how he ed up things he could easily live without him, even though he is eternally grateful for all the help they received. He doesn't want to tell those important to him. The fact that he lost his composure so easily and made Taesan angry, ing angry, and the situation so much worse.

" Your nose is bleeding.", Hoseok bends over him, his worried eyes take in all the damage.  " Who did that?"

Soft fingers ghost over the almost dried blood on his face.

Hoseok is captivating, Kihyun notices once again when he looks at him. Beautiful, glowing, almost out of this world in an amount Kihyun often isn't able to comprehend. Even though the worry starts to contort his boyfriends features, there is still something so beautiful about him that Kihyun just keeps staring. Hoseok keeps talking insistently but Kihyun only makes out how his lips move, too lost in his thoughts.

It was wrong of him to do what he did, but so right the same moment. He should have started way earlier to protect him- 

Why isn't he able to do more, why wasn't he able to.

Why is he never able to do more...

" Kihyun!"

He gets shaken by his shoulder and finally he can tear his gaze away from Hoseok.

Minhyuk leans over him. " What the hell did you do?"

The words get lost again in the chaos that is his mind. His gaze wanders from Minhyuk over to Changkyun, whose chair toppled down when he got onto his feet too fast, Hyunwoo, Hyungwon and Jooheon who had been busy with a card game before Jihoon rushed in.

" I punched Taesan. I lost it."

The silence grows heavy when his quiet spoken words sink in.

" I punched him because he deserved it and that is the payback I got."

It feels worse now that he said it but there had been no reason for him to hide it any longer. If he listened closely, he feels like he can hear Taesans yells outside.

They would have known soon enough without him telling them.

Kihyuns attention is back on Hoseok. It always is. When they laugh, when one of them says something, when they discuss, randomly when they are in the same room. Hoseoks reaction is what he wants to see, because frankly he can assess him the least. Not anymore after he told Kihyun how scared he really was during the times they were separated. Kihyun is still not sure what it did to him. He only knows how he himself would have reacted. He would have hovered over Hoseok, would have been unecessarily protective, scared by the smallest things.

Kihyun knows what he wants to see in Hoseoks face. He wants him to be angry, to yell at him for ing things up, just how Jihoon started to curse behind his desk before he once again leaves the room to who knows where. The thing he can handle the least will be Hoseoks sheer endless forgiveness. Not today when he wants to make things easier for himself by getting blamed.

" Why would you do that?" Hoseok asks softly only for him to hear and Kihyuns hopes shatter in the blink of an eye. For a moment, panic seemed to wash over Hoseok, manifested itself in his dark eyes, how his hands gripped around his wrist, almost painfully.

Then it is gone, replaced by a sad, still warm smile.

" Did he do something else?" His warm fingers gently turn Kihyuns head from left to right, take in the damage that is done and Kihyun feels all the more like .

Maybe he deserves Hoseoks forgiveness

So it will feel worse.

" I need to… can I…", he slowly gets up, Hoseoks hand at the small of his back. " I need to go to the bathroom."

He manages to get up on wobbly legs, meets Minhyuks gaze.

" Can you tell them I lost it? Why I lost it so they understand?"

His best friend understands without further explanation.

" Was it worth it?" Minhyuk simply asks, his hand taking Kihyuns for a short moment.

" He deserved it. But now I feel like I deserve way worse."

He wants to walk to the door on his own and he manages to, slowly but steady. The punch to his head was harder than he thought.

Hoseoks presence is a steady company, silent as he follows him outside. Kihyun can't be mad at him for not leaving him alone. He would have done the same. He would have reacted the same because he knew that Hoseok would have had his reasons. But

this is about him and he can't be treated gently.

Not when he...

He reaches the closest door, finds himself in another one of the countless bedroom and drags himself over to the bathroom, suddenly so tired. He is not sure anymore if it is because of the punch or because he is simply too tired by now.

The blood almost dried under his nose. He takes his time to inspect his face. Under the blood, the area around his nose turns purple only the slightest.

Hoseok waits in the doorframe, eyes not leaving him.

Kihyun supports himself on the sink and finally looks at him.

" I lost it.", he quietly starts. " I thought I could talk to him. I got angry, because Jihoon couldn't handle him and I thought it would work out. That I could do something to help out. But I mad everything worse."

"Is it true?"

"That I punched him?"

"Yes."

Kihyun sighs tiredly and throws another gaze into the mirror.

" I was scared when I talked to him. Really scared. And from one moment to another all of that was gone and I had punched him."

"Why?"

Kihyun swallows heavily, his mouth way too dry suddenly.

" He dared to downgrade you. After all you did for me he dared to...I… I just snapped." 

His fingers clasp the sink tighter,  a futile attempt to keep it together in front of Hoseok. But when he looks at him over there in the doorframe, his worried, still affectionate gaze on him, when Kihyun remembers that he is always there for him, all the time, how protected he feels around him, how he never felt loved better … how ing much Kihyun loves Hoseok himself, that moment he can't keep it in anymore and he snaps once again, this time more quietly and to himself.

Tears drop into the sink, slightly red when they mix with the blood in his face.

" He dared to talk like that... and I… how could he, Hoseok? Out of his selfish egoism, his stupid pride. How dare he…"

He brings his arm up to his face to hide the tears in the crook, tries to suppress the shaking of his shoulders and gives up. His legs act on their own as they carry him over to Hoseok. Why the hell did he even fight it, of course this is where he would end up. 
Hoseok already awaits him and embraces him tightly.

" I'm sorry, Hoseok. I'm so sorry. I didn't meant to make it worse. I'm sorry…" he keeps mumbling face pressed into his neck. For now he won't care that he might dirty Hoseoks shirt.

" I'm sorry. Please don't hate me now. I had it under control… I thought I had. I'm so sorry for making things worse…I'm so sorry..."

Hoseok is everything to him, he has never realised more than in this moment when he should be anywhere but here, comforted in his embrace. He can always come back here and as beautiful ast the thought is, it brings more tears to his eyes. Even now he is still comforted by Hoseok.

" Thanks for fighting that fiercely for me.", Hoseok presses a soft kiss to his hair, his lips linger there for a moment longer, before he presses his cheek to his hair. " But please don't do this anymore. I'm not trusting that kidney of yours yet."

Kihyun listens attentively while sobbing, tries to find the slightest resentment, anger in his voice but there is nothing and he almost can't bear the relief that washes over him. He huddles only the closer, Hoseok almost stumbles backwards but he doesn't let go as if he knew that is just the thing Kihyun needs now.

" I want to go home… I just want to go home…"

"I know, Kihyun. I know. Stop crying."

Gentle fingers wander through his hair in a soothing manner.

" I"m sorry…"

"It's okay… shhh… it's okay. I love you. It's okay…"

He allows himself to cry a little while longer. It is a relief, when the tears seem to wash away at least a bit of the tension inside of him. After a few minutes it feels like he can breath again. 

" Better?" 

" Better." Kihyun mutters, not daring to move away from him the slightes. 

" Good."

Soft force pushes him back until he finds himself seated on the closed toilet lid.

" Let's get rid of the blood first."

Hoseok releases him for a moment, rummages through the cabinets until he finds a washing cloth. He wets it before he crouches down in front of Kihyun so he can easily wash away the dried blood. When starts doing so, the cool feeling numbs the slight throbbing in his nose.

Kihyun follows his movement with his gaze. The crying has almost died down by now.

" Your fingers are shaking." he states. 

Hoseok pauses for a second, before he continues his work. " It would be a lie to say I'm perfectly calm inside.", he wipes over Kihyuns skin another time and seems to be satisfied with the results. " Truth be told, a part of me is terrified at the moment."

"You think Taesan is not taking this well?"

He puts the cloth aside and kneels down. His warm hands curl around Kihyuns knees.

" He has done worse to people who did less. I saw it. You shouldn't have done that. For your own sake.", he brushes some hair out of Kihyuns face. " But I'm not letting him get to you. Never."

Kihyun averts his eye, the feeling of shame tangible again. " Shouldn't I face the consequences?"

"No. Taesan deserved it. He deserves worse. But it shouldn't have been you doing it. I don't want you to be the one facing consequences."

His soft stops and his finger curl around Kihyuns neck. Comforting, protective.

" Was that the thing you told me about? That night when I explained about Wonho?"

Kihyun can do nothing but nod as a response. Hoseok sighs. One if those he exhales when he understands things he wished he wouldn't have to. His fingers around Kihyuns neck pull him closer and comes towards him so Kihyun doesn't have to bend down too far for them to touch. It is a soft kiss, only a chaste touching of their lips but there is so much reassurance in it that Kihyun almost breaks out into tears again.

" I think I dislike that side of you as much as you dislike Wonho."

" Only dislike?"

" I'm taking you with all your sides, the good and the bad ones, you know that.", Hoseoks hand never leaves his and the squeeze only tightens under his smile. " Let's work on it in future."

He doesn't believe in his own words.

Kihyun knows Hoseok wants to be strong for him. Normally, he wouldn't even have told Kihyun about his fear. He wants to calm Kihyun down, to make him believe things will be fine but how could he possibly lie to Kihyun when his eyes betray him? When he almost not noticeably flinched a moment ago when there was a sound out in the hallway.

Hoseok is scared, and Kihyun can feel it almost physically.
" Promise me one thing, Kihyun."

If it means he can help fight Hoseoks fears, he would promise everything.

" If Taesan comes for you-", the squeeze grows tighter, as if Kihyun is his lifeline all of sudden, not the other way around. "- I do not trust Jihoon with this and if he comes for you, you run. Okay? You're not staying because your conscience is telling you to. You try to get out of here."

" Bu--"

" No.", Hoseok interrupts him, the mask finally gone. " No. Please. I can't do this once again. Not when I just got you back. You will look after yourself and you will get out of here, okay? No matter what happens to others."
" I don't think I can promise that."

" Kihyun. Please..."

I did that to him, Kihyun wonders, when there is nothing hiding the rawness of what Hoseok must have felt during the times Kihyun couldn't be there for him. When the mask finally crumbles, when finally everything Hoseok didn't want him to see comes to the surface. His quickened breathing, the coldness of his hands, how he almost desperately clings to him. Hyunwoo told him that the time they were separated did something to Hoseok, and now it is finally breaking through.  Hoseok is petrified with horror at the mere thought of loosing him again and Kihyun triggered it again. 

He did that to him...

He is on the bathroom floor without thinking, and just like that before he even realised his arm sling around Hoseokd neck an pull him close.

" I love you. I'm so sorry... I'm not leaving you again, I'm so sorry... I'm so sorry..." 

Shaky hands finally embrace him, softly lay on his back.

If it helps Hoseok, he will tell him over and over again. If he needs to hold him like that, he will. He will do everything if it means he will be fine again. As long as he will be okay again nothing matters. 

But the thing wih the universe is, that it seems to love to play those tiny games with you. As if it is its greatest pleasure to see you suffer the worst way possible, just when you think that you will manage to make things alright.  

Kihyun knows that there is no time to promise anymore a few seconds before it starts. As if, at that moment his intuition kicks in and settles down in his chest. 

He pauses, still holding on to Hoseok, when it gets quiet all of sudden. Too quiet. 

But then, a loud bang, followed by loud voices. It is Hoseok that reacts first. 

He pushes Kihyun away, eyes wide open. 

" What is that?"
He swallows heavily,keeps holding on to his shoulder while he keeps turning back to the open bathroom door. 

" Stay here."

"Where are you going?"

"Just checking."

Checking if Taesan broken inside the house?

The unspoken truth lingers between them, but Hoseok doesn't take the time to answer him.

" You stay here." he tells Kihyun with as much emphasys as he can muster and exits the room to hurry over to the door. He is outside in the blink of an eye and of course Kihyun won't listen to him. As soon as Hoseok disappears from his sight the panic reaches out for him, leaves him unable to stay and to hide in the bathroom.

He is over at the door within a few steps, just when the yells outside grow louder. He bolts out into the hallway the second two bulky men pin Hoseok down to the ground. He spins around, sees how they push Jooheon back into the office down the hallway. 

He can't see any of Jihoons, nor his friend but there is no time to worry about that. 

 " Take him!", another one that just climbed up the stairs yells over the noise. " Leave them others unharmed. For now boss just wants him."

"No!", Hoseoks cry echoes through the hallway. " Kihyun! Get out of here!"

He starts to violently trash on the ground, even manages to get one of them off him in his desperate attempts to get over to Kihyun but it is futile as a third one helps to hold him down.

" Stay away from him! Kiyhun! Get out! I told you to ing get out of here!"

But even if he wanted to, where should he go? They seem to be everywhere, two of them have cornered him before he can even try to help anyone.

One of them forcefully takes him by his arm and twists it painfully. Hoseoks trashing only gets more violent. " Get your ing hands off him!"

" Bring him out. Boss is waiting." 

At the command of what seems like the leader, the man holding on to him pushes Kihyun forward, towards the stairs and he can only comply, because the grip around his arm is strong and his mind shut down, just like that. This must be a dream, this must be a ing dream... a ing horrible dream...

" No! Let him go! Kihyun! Get the away from him! KIHYUN!"

Hoseoks desperate yells, soaked with purest, sheer panic,  accompany him down the hallway over to the stairs and only quiet down when the huge entrance door closes behind him.