" I swear, Kihyun. If you're not going to eat right this instant I will shove that sandwich down your throat." Minhyuk leans back in his chair, close to a mental breakdown but Kihyun still doesn't want to comply.

He keeps his eyes on the window front, waiting for Hoseok to come back.

" I'm not hungry."

"You need to eat something before taking your pills."

"I'll take them later."

"You should take them on time!"

"I'll take them when Hoseok is back."

He crosses his arms in front of his chest and the conversation is over for him.

Not so much for Minhyuk.

" You're acting like a spoiled brat!"

Kihyun knows but he couldn't care any less at the moment.

They closed the shop a bit earlier today because no one is in the right condition to work, Kihyun the least.

Another gaze at the clock.

He is worried sick.

Hoseok has left half an hour ago to who knows where and everyone, except him and Minhyuk, seem to know what is going on.

He scoffs internally.

As if he doesn't notice the gazes they share when they feel unwatched. They do not understand the emotional chaos Kihyun experiences. Because they understand something he doesn't yet. They know what that shift in Hoseok eyes was that freaked Kihyun out so much on top of everything else that happened to him the past hour.

" I didn't imagine the change he went through, did I?" he asks into the room.

The hushed conversations stop.

Kihyun leans back into his chair. " Why do you look like I asked something horrible? It's that bad?"

"No!", Jooheon breaks out. " Not at all! Hoseok hyung can explain later!"

Yes

Later.

Later.

Later.

Everything later.

Minhyuk coughs slightly. " If I'm allowed to give my input."

"As if you'd stop."

"Yeah. You're right.", he pokes Kihyuns forehead." I think they're acting like that less because of Hoseok and more because you look like the walking dead. Which is true, in my opinion. Maybe you'd get some colour back if you'd just take those damn pills."

" Thanks, Minhyuk."

Kihyun is too exhausted to start any bickering. He feels tired, almost lethargic, so much that even his thinking slowed down.

He slowly turns his gaze back to the window, not able to make anything out in the night.

" Kihyun. Please eat something. Hoseok will chop of my head when he comes back."

Minhyuk once more pushes the plate closer to him but Kihyun still refuses. He doesn't trust his stomach at the moment.

" I'm angry at him."

Words like that shouldn't be this tiredly spoken, but after everything that happened today it is all the energy he can muster.

Yes.

He is angry.

Because Chihwan thought it would be okay to harass him that way. He is angry, because everyone seems to know something he doesn't. He is angry because  he is worried sick about Hoseok. And he is furious because he left him here so easily even though his mere presence would have made everything so much easier to handle.

No one disagrees.

Maybe they are trying to understand him

So angry…

… and so worried.

" Are we going to ignore the fact my boyfriend left without a word and no one questions it as if it is the most normal thing in the world?"

" Hyung.", Jooheon starts. " It really is fine. Hoseok hyung… he's talking things out with the guy. That's how he handles those things. Always has."

" So you want to tell me he went out, followed Chihwan to God knows where to talk things out? Because he always handled things like that?"

The younger nods.

" And now you want me to calm the down?", Kihyun chuckles bitterly. " Well, it didn't work."

He nervously starts to bite his cheek and grimaces when pain pierces through his tongue.

"What do you mean by that? He always has handled things that way? Is talking your latest euphemism for something you don't want to share with me?"

Hyunwoo and Jooheon share a quick gaze and Kihyun almost laughs out loud in all of his distress.

" I swear to you, if  you keep doing that I --"

Hyunwoo puts a hand on his shoulder. " He's alright."

And Kihyun believes his every word.

Still, he can't get rid of his fear.

" He is hiding something though."

" Kihyun...", Hyunwoo starts with is comfortable, slow voice. " In the past, Hoseok had a lot of responsibility on his shoulders and he needed some way to cope with it. I'm not going to go into detail because that is what he should do. What I can tell you is, that he is doing nothing dangerous at the moment. And later when he is back, you should ask him about Wonho."

"Wonho?" Minhyuk repeats before Kihyun can say anything.

" Ask Hoseok. He will tell you."

The topic seems to be through for Hyunwoo but for Kihyun… he swallows deeply, not able to get rid of the knot in his throat. Of course it is a relief when Hyunwoo tells him everything is okay, that he just has to wait. But still, he saw something in Hoseoks eyes that won't be easily explained with mere responsibilities he had or has. The urge to have Hoseok beside him grows almost unbearable and Kihyun gets up from his seat, determined, even though his legs are still a bit shaky.

" I'm going to look for him."

"I don't think this is a good idea."

Minhyuk is by his side and supports him but Kihyun has already decided.

" I want to look for him."

" Can you just wait?" Minhyuk sends a helpless look to Jooheon.

" I don't want to. If Hoseok can do whatever he wants I can do, too."

This sounded a bit harsher than he intended to but deep inside, that is just how he feels.

Yes….

Why should he wait and do what Hoseok has told him to when the other is doing whatever pleases him?

There, the anger is back and he doesn't really care anymore about pushing Jooheon a bit too harshly out his way.

He makes a mental note to apologise later.

" Kihyun…"

He is back out in the cold of the night, making his way down the street, past the alley where everything started just a while ago.

He hears footsteps behind him. Jooheon reaches him when stops at the next intersection. He turns his gaze left, then right and then decides to follow the road down to the subway station.

" He might be on his way back to the coffee shop."

Kihyun keeps walking.

" Hyung! Did you try to call him?"

He throws a gaze into another alley.

Nothing.

" This is futile, hyung..."

"Jooheon!", Kihyun snaps at him. " I know this is futile! But tonight so many things happened and I can't get them into order! My ing head feels like exploding so please, let me at least do this futile thing and maybe calm down, okay!?"

" I'm sorry…"

Kihyun stops on his tracks.

" For what?"

" Everything that happened tonight… you must be really stressed out. I'm really sorry... for everything."

Kihyun breaths in deeply,  tilts his head back as he feels tears gathering in the corner of his eyes, triggered by Jooheons honest feelings.


 

 

 

OOO

 

 

 

For around five seconds Kihyun feels relived when he sees Hoseoks figure behind the windows of the coffee shop. So relieved that that his knees buckle and the tears threaten to fall again. With all his might he wipes them away and stomps over to the door only to pull it open with as much force as he can muster.

Everyone spins around, startled by the sudden noise and Hoseoks eyes widen when he sees Kihyun. He moves a step closer. " Where the hell did you go!?"

The anger gives him energy and he kicks the closest chair out of his way.

" You think this is funny?!"

It is eerily quiet.

" I'm going to wring your neck if I get my hands on you!"

"Kihyun…"

" Did you think one second before you left?! Hhh ?! Do you know how ing worried I was?!"

His blood pressure goes crazy and with that he looses his last bit of pride.

The next thing he knows is sitting on the ground, Hoseok supporting him by his shoulders.

" Are you okay?" he demands to know, voice laced with worry. Kihyun shakes his head to get rid of the dizziness.

" You're the worst!" he yells when he can think again and starts to hit Hoseoks chest. Even on his good days he wouldn't have been able to hurt him a lot. Today it must feel like a small breeze  to his boyfriend but even those half heartedly punches rob Kihyun of the last bit of energy he has left. He doesn't stop though. Only when Hoseok grabs him by the wrists he pauses.

"Stop it!"

Kihyun breathes heavily. His gaze takes in his surroundings. Everyone left, he is alone with Hoseok.

" What is wrong?" Hoseok asks, still holding Kihyuns hands in a tight grip.

Kihyun glares at him but behind his anger and boiling frustrating he feels something welling up

Something he doesn't need at the moment and can't really handle, but when did his tears ever ask him for his approval to fall?

So Kihyun starts to randomly cry again.

In front of Hoseok.

Who never knows what to do when he does.

" What the hell is wrong Kihyun?! Are you hurting somewhere?! God… please…", Hoseok tries to stop the tears, wipes over his cheeks but to no avail. " Baby… what's wrong?"
Kihyun hits him once more with his now free hands. " Did you even ing think when you left me alone earlier?! Did it even occur to you that I might have needed you?!" he yells between two sobs.

Hoseoks features reflect confusion, then slowly, something like knowing steals itself in.

" That's why you're so upset?"

"Why?! I need a bigger reason to be?! Do you even know how ing worried I was?! Go away!"

" What…"

"Leave! Go away!"

" Kihyun… calm down… why are y--"

"I love you! I ing love you and you decide to wander off at night to  God knows where and don't even talk to me about it! You stupid  idiot do you even know how scared I… was…"

His yells grow quieter and the last word is only a whisper. Kihyun pauses, hand already lifted to hit him once more. Now it only sinks back to his side.

He has never told him before.

It was… clear to him that he loved Hoseok.

Or so he thought…

But know that it is out for the first time, now that the words linger between them and can't be taken back reality hits him.

It is love.

He loves Shin Hoseok.

With that thought in mind he bends forward until his forehead touches Hoseoks chest. He closes his eyes and tries to gather his breathing.

He yelled way too much due to his temper going crazy.

" I'm sorry." he mutters.

Hoseok is way too quiet and for an agonising moment he gets so scared that it was too fast, too early, too deep… too much of something Hoseok doesn't feel for him.

An unnecessary fear.

Hoseok leans down and presses a kiss to his hair.

" Why do you act like you said something horrible?"

" Because… I don't know if I did."

" Can you look at me?"

Kihyun frantically shakes his head, forehead still pressed to Hoseoks chest.

" I don't think I can face you that soon."

Hoseok chuckles gently, one hand slowly starts to run through his head.

" I'll wait.", he presses another kiss to Kihyuns head and lingers there, close to his ear. " At the risk of not talking to you for the next week."

His fingers gently run over Kihyuns neck.

" I love you, Kihyun."

Kihyuns eyes widen.

" I'm glad you finally said it because I always knew but didn't want to scare you away… but now.", he circles his arms around Kihyuns frame. " I love you. A lot. And I'm so sorry for upsetting you like this. I didn't think."

"I noticed." Kihyun mumbles, overwhelmed by his feelings.

Hoseok loves him

He said it.

He loves him.

" You love me." Kihyun states.

"Oh Kihyun...", Hoseoks sighs. "…what did you expect?"

" I don't know... I...", Kihyun huddles closer against him. " I'm so sorry for yelling at you."

" It's alright.", he runs his fingers through Kihyuns hair.

" It's not."

" It is.", for a moment longer he keeps Kihyun close to himself before he slowly releases him. " Let's get you back home and talk there."

 

 

 

 OOO

 

 

They went back to Kihyuns empty apartment. Minhyuk must have left with the others.

Kihyun still feels strange when he exits the shower. Clean, finally rid of the bloody shirt, finally having taken his pills, but still altogether strange. It makes him feel sick to know that there is something between him and Hoseok.

Everyone has their ups and downs, he knows.

But… those are the others.

Not them.

Hoseok… can't be distant.

The mere thought feels like a small pierce right through his chest.

It is late already but he takes his time with getting dressed, slips into his too wide shirt and baggy pants. When he leaves the bathroom his hair is still wet though.

Hoseok waits for him in the living room. He sits on the couch, too upright to be comfortable.

Kihyun stays in the doorframe, undecided, not knowing if he is allowed to come over. Maybe  Hoseok is mad at him by now. It wouldn't be a surprise.

Hoseok looks up when he notices him.

" Feeling better?"

" Clean yes. But better…", Kihyun runs his fingers through his wet hair. " I feel strange."

"Why?"

" Because I'm not sure if we are still having a fight or not."

" I think we're not fighting anymore."

"Really?

" To be honest.", Hoseok reaches out for him with one hand. " After today the only thing I want is you close to me. Fighting or not."

Kihyun takes an undecided step inside and stops. " I can come over?"

"Please come."

"But…"

"Kihyun.", Hoseok almost sounds desperate. " Just come here. Please."

Kihyun wants to do nothing more than that. He has to stop himself from running over but still crosses the small room faster than usual.

He ends up in his boyfriends lap, sideways, Hoseoks arm tightly around him, and when the other takes the blanket that lies on the sofa rest and wraps it around them both he is close to feeling perfectly fine.

" Are you okay now?" Hoseok pressed as kiss to his forehead.

Kihyun shrugs as he plays with Hoseoks fingers. " There is not a lot to say anymore since I literally threw everything at you."

"I made you angry a lot."

Kihyun nuzzles closer to him, intertwining their fingers. " As I told you. I was upset after Chihwan... you know..."

Hoseoks tightens his embrace. Consciously or unconsciously, Kihyun doesn't know. But it doesn't matter to him because he feels safe.

" I was upset and really confused. But… you just left when I really needed you and that was a whole lot worse. And…" he stops.

Hoseok waits for a moment but then gently pokes his side. " And?"

Kihyun gathers all of his courage. He sits up a bit straighter so he can see Hoseoks face. He wonders if his eyes have always been this bloodshed.

" There was something different in your eyes I have never seen before. And that together with you just leaving and everyone acting like they knew something. I got so worried about it... and then angry."

They share a gaze but Kihyun is sure that Hoseok is far away with his thoughts. Then, with an almost not noticeable motion, he is back.

A deep breath before he starts talking.

" I'm sorry. I really am sorry that I made you feel this way.", a touch of his warm smile as he caresses Kihyuns cheek. " I think you deserve an explanation."

He gently circles his arm around the others neck and pulls him back into his chest. Maybe this time he is the one who has problems with looking at Kihyun.

"You know that a while ago all of us were doing more or less illegal business?"

"How could I forget."

" Then you also must remember me telling you that we quiet because it became too dangerous for us."

His fingers slowly run over Kihyuns shoulder.

" Hyunwoo is older than me, but still I was some kind of leader to our group. People looked for me when they wanted to talk, when they wanted to discuss deliveries. But you do know me. I get overexcited, over emotional. I cry when the dogs in movies die...nothing those people respect or take serious. But you don't survive in this business if you don't have the right reputation. "

Kihyun hangs on his every word.

" But… I kind of noticed how well I could act like someone they would respect. So… how do I explain.", for a moment he searches for the right words. " I created an alter ego that came out when I needed respect…protection…all those things Hoseok couldn't offer."

"An alter ego?"

Hoseok leans a bit closer. " Did you ever hear the others talk about Wonho?"

" Wonho?", Kihyun remembers Hyunwoos words. " Hyunwoo hyung told me to ask you about that name."

"Yes. That is how I was known by everyone. My … second identity to keep myself and everyone safe."

Kihyuns thoughts whirl around in his head.

" What does this have to do with tonight?"

"You see, Wonho is someone I created to survive, you could say that in many ways he is the exact opposite of me. He is still me, of course, so I must have that in me... It's complicated. Over the years I became better and better in playing that particular until I turned into quiet the ice block as soon as we had a job going on or something remotely threatening came up."

"That sounds scary."

" Changkyun once told me he thinks Wonho is quiet scary. I think he was the happiest after we finally quit since that also meant I wouldn't have to be Wonho again. But…"

Kihyun slightly straightens himself. " But?"

Hoseoks face turns more serious when he faces Kihyun, if that is even possible. He reaches out for him and cups his face with one hand. How fast the emotions in his eyes change. Just a moment ago, he seemed to be okay but now… almost scared.

" Wonho was there to protect the people around me. I thought I didn't need him anymore but today… when this…", he clenches his teeth. " When he did to you what he did… I got so terribly angry at him and I lost it. That part took over me before I could even realize it did. As Wonho, I feel like I can protect the ones I love. People listen to him, people respect him. I just have to use words and they're gone."

" So...you only talked to Chihwan?"

" Of course. What did you think I would do? "

" I wasn't sure for a moment..."

" I don't think he will bother you ever again.", Hoseok averts his gaze. " This sounds… crazy… I know… I don't want you to be scared of me. It is not like I'm schizophrenic or sick in any way. It was only a way to protect us I got used to way too much over the years."

" Well… if Beyoncé can have Sasha Fierce on stage, I think you can have Wonho without feeling ashamed."

One moment he was so serious, but now Hoseok can only blink at Kihyun. " Did you just compare my situation to Beyoncé?"

"Shouldn't I have?"

Hoseok stares at him, blinks a few times more. Slowly a smile forms on his lips, turns brighter and brighter until he finally smiles they way Kihyun knows... and loves.

" I imagined a lot of things, but Beyoncé."

Kihyun didn't intend to make fun of him.

Not at all.

He listened to every of Hoseoks words.

He is so thankful and proud that he told him.

He understood.

And he can relate.

" I have this really aggressive part in me."

It makes Hoseok sit up. " What do you mean?"

"  A few years ago I got so angry at the doorkeeper for not letting me through that I saw red and hit him with a bottle. Sometimes I beat up people just because they looked at me the wrong way, and today my temper went through with me. What I want to say is…", he uses his hands to emphasise his words. " I know those... second personalities. Mine I had from the very day I was born. You made yours, or maybe you had in you all the time and sometimes it comes out. But the thing is: We not always like them, sometimes they are plainly horrible but they are there and we can only try to get rid of them as much as possible and that itself is already a great thing to do. I know I might not make sense at the moment but... please just know I can understand and that I'm not scared of you. Why would I be?"

He takes Hoseoks hand into his, holds it tightly to his chest.

" You are the most caring and loving person I ever met. And you will never be able to change that. I was scared and because I couldn't understand what happened. But now that you explained I can and it is fine."

" Wow... I...", Hoseok snuffles, his eyes dangerously red. " That wasn't what I expected. So... you do really understand?"

" Yes. Which doesn't mean that I like Wonho a lot. He is wandering off way too much." Kihyun tries to brighten the mood.

Hoseoks chuckles. " It will be fine as long as you are okay."

" Don't bring him out for me."

" If it's not you, then who?"

"I'm not that important."

" Kihyun…"

Time seems to stop as Hoseok leans in and kisses him for what feels like the first time in years. Softly, but with a longing that Kihyun has never experienced before. They stay close as they part, Hoseoks forehead touching Kihyuns.

" Do you even understand in the slightest how important you are to me?", his crooked smile. " You're everything to me. Don't you understand by now? I love you."

He loves me, Kihyun remembers with the impact of a truck that runs into a brick wall. He has never said it before and now he is doing it so casually and he feels so stupid because his heart is spilling again for this man in front of him, so much, too much too handle, and he will never understand how he can be so ridiculously  in love with this guy and still be sane.
Kihyun hugs him, so tight that he fears the other will choke but no way he will allow the other to see his blushing cheeks, the tears of happiness gathering in the corner of his eyes, his quivering lips.

He loves me.

I love him…

Hoseok understands him because he does most of the times, as if Kihyun is an open book to him. He doesn't pressure him to release him, to answer anything.

Kihyun hears his quiet laughter.

"How do you do this… No.  Forget about it…", Hoseok  gentle fingers run through his hair" You really manage to make me fall more for you than I already did. Which is practically impossible."

Kihyun keeps hugging him.

" I love you, Kihyun. I really do."

Kihyun keeps his eyes closed with all his might,  worried about what he will do as soon as he opens them because he has never felt such a happiness in his life,

"No mistake.", Hoseok hums happily and hugs him tightly. " I really do."