ANALYST-AGENT CHRONO 
DATE- JUNE 22, 2016
FILE- REVIEW 
AUTHOR- XMOONSTAR
"VICTORY"


NOTE
    Please do not take offense to this, I am not trying to demean you in any way. I truely what you to improve your writing. You have wonderful writing skills!

SPELLING & GRAMMAR (Section grade: C)
    Seeing as you have a beta-reader, I wouldn't have expected so many mistakes. Some of the chapters aren't as bad as others, there are few mistakes in the first chapter but as it goes on there are more and more errors. Looking at each chapter singularly, your mistakes are minor but overall it tends to add up. You do have a very good use of transitional phrases which is a hallmark of a good writer. You have an excellent vocabulary as well.

You tend to start your sentence with a majority of nouns and pronouns, I would try to use more of a variety. Also, the lengths of your sentences tend to be very similar, which puts a hit in your writing flow and makes your writing more simple. There are some problems with having singular words that need to be plural, minor punctuation mistakes and some mistakingly misspelled words like "casuing" should be "causing" for example.

Some cliche phrases are incorrect, the one that stood out the most was "cupped a feel," traditional the phrase is "copped a feel." There is a high quantity of trite, inappropriate words, phrases, and cliches found in the fic. You tend to use a lot of the same words over and over again (like sometimes, someone, I think, I mean,  really, huge, had to), a thesaurus would help greatly or a maybe a better beta-reader.

There's sometimes where you use words like "leant" or "learnt" and in some cases it does work but a lot of the time it throws off the sentence and seems out of context. So I would suggest to change them to "leaned" or "learned." Here is an example of what to change....
    Original text: Taeyeon leant comfortably against the couch, draping her arm over Seohyun’s shoulder.
    Change to: Taeyeon leaned comfortably against the couch, draping her arm over Seohyun's shoulder.

There is also a problem with present/past tense words. Here is an example.
    Original text: Joohyun’s long, dark hair were adorably tousled, and her black tee crinkled....
    Change to: Joohyun's long, dark hair was adorably tousled, and here black tee crinkled....

There also some odd word choice, a change in phrase would make it sound better. This example also has a switch in past tense to present tense, it makes it rather awkward.
    Original text: The mid-June sun had not reached yet this part of the house....
    Change to: The mid-June sun hadn't reached that part of the house yet....

I tend to tell my clients to write with active voice, since it betters the reader understanding of what is happening, who is doing what and such. Some claim to prefer writing in passive voice but it is better to not do so.  Passive voice is typically rather easy to spot, try to avoid "was __" as it "was attracted" or "was delegated." Here's an example sentence.
    Original text: ...just a bit chilly, the proposition was met with enthusiastic approval.
    Change to:  ...just a bit chilly, the proposition met enthusiastic approval.
My advice? Get a new beta-reader, your current editor has let a lot of errors slide.
 
 

CHARACTERIZATION (Section Grade: F)
    The personalities of your main characters, Yongsun and Byulyi are rather cliche, especially in the sport genre. They aren't badly written characters, they have a good dynamic with each other. It's just very overused. There isn't much that sets them apart from the other main characters of sports genre shows, movies or anime. They also have no character development in the seven chapters. The only thing that is interesting about them is Byulyi's past in America. Other than that they are typical characters. I also have a problem how apathetic Byulyi is to winning when she's on a professional soccer team. High School? Okay,  I will let it slide. She likes soccer enough to go pro, people who play pro sports get money, espeically when they win. So winning should be a concern for her.

You also have an abundance of side-characters, which can be a hand full and fic tends to drown in them. Even the ones that seem more important like Joohyun and Seulgi aren't fleshed out very well and fade in with the rest of the sub-characters, even though it seems like they have a plotline planned out. Seulgi, in general, isn't very likable, I cringe every time she shows up and I can't fathom how she and Yongsun are friends at all, let alone best friends. Joohyun seems more of Yongsun's best friend than anything else, I know Yongsun has feelings for her but they are closer and have more time together.

I found definitely take time to build your characters up more, sit down and write out some profiles for yourself and give them little quirks that make them more unique. At the moment everyone is very equal, meaning the main character don't seem like the leading ladies they need to me. Put more focus on them, to bring the to the spotlight. It will greatly improve your fic!

PLOT (Section grade: D)
    So first off, I commend you for trying to tackle a sports fics. It's hard, especially with writing what's happening in the games. Sadly, you've made the errors most do with sports and slice-of-life fics, it gets boring rather easily. You a very good job of describing what's happening in the games but you spend too much time on it and use too much terminology that people who do not play soccer do not understand, I even played soccer when I was a kid for a bit and don't remember most of what you're talking about. Sure, you have a legend but the fic takes a hit when a reader has to stop to go back to it constantly.  

Secondly, it's cliche. The characters, the storyline and plot progression. There isn't anything to make it unique from the several other sports based fiction, shows, or movies. I could probably name several sports anime that have similar characters and plotline off the top of my head.

Third, it's not believable. They suddenly make the national team and go straight into a game with only one day of practice. Maybe they had more practice but it wasn't mentioned. On top of that, most of the players from the teams Byulyi and Youngsun are on made it to the national team. Sure, they are good players, but better than the best players on other teams? Probably not. It is highly unlikely. I know it's for the story, to keep familiar people around the two protagonists but it's not good to sacrifice believability for easier plot progression. Another major factor is.... Everyone, or what it seems like 99 percent of the characters, turns out to be gay. Now, this is a fine line, it's not my place to demand you to take it out but think about how unlikely it is, especially in Korea to have two women's soccer teams who are all openly gay. If you're going for realistic, this is not it.

 

FLOW (Section grade: D)
    I'll probably reiterate this in writing style but your fic really crawls at a snail-like pace. I'm not meaning the romance plotline between Youngsun and Byulyi, I understand it's a slow burn that needs development since they both aren't fond of each other. I actually find their dynamic rather entertaining. I would suggest, taking out throw-away paragraphs, ones that don't advance the plot or don't have much to do with plot or character development. Condensing your chapters will help a lot with the flow and the dullness of the fic overall. As it is now, some could be turned off by the pace of the fic.

 

WRITING STYLE (Section grade: B)
   I have a love/hate relationship with your writing style. I actually rather enjoy it, it's very easy to read and understand. It's not overly flowery or too dry. But, it does drag on. You have so many words that the point of what you're actually writing about tends to get lost in a lot of unimportant words. Even though your writing style is enjoyable it tends to be very boring because of all the happenings you're trying to pack into the paragraphs, the chapters end up far too long and insignificant. I'm not against long chapters, many reviewers tend to advise against them, I only advise against them when a good amount of text tends to be meaningless.

 

OVERALL ENJOYMENT (Sectional grade: D)
    I did enjoy your writing style but the fic was a bit too boring to me, personally. It's just not my cup of tea.

GRADE: D

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