TITLE (2/5)
       What exactly do you mean by “11 Lives”? If Jongin has eleven lives, does that mean that when he reaches 100 he’ll start over? 100 times eleven? Or does he lives 11 lifetimes in 100 years? But if that’s the case then it also doesn’t really make sense, otherwise the readers should have been notified by now that he’s already died several times over. Maybe you’re referring to the 11 other lives that are presented in the story…but why would they be more important than the countless others he met previously?

 

FOREWORD & DESCRIPTION (9/15)
       “Everyday Kai wakes up in different places, in different times.” Maybe it would be better to specify what kind of “different times” we’re dealing with here. Reading it for the first time, I just thought that Jongin was a sleepwalking chronic insomniac or something. So what, he wakes up every few hours and finds himself in a different location? “in various historical moments”, or “everyday Kai wakes up in a different place, a different time period.”

 

“Each day he starts a new life and once his twenty four hours are up. He disappears.” Er, not really because technically he doesn’t start a new life, he just kinda does a daily body rental thing. And there shouldn’t be a period after “are up”.

 

“It's been like this for the past 99 years 11 months and 20 days. 11 more days... till Kai finds the last life he'll lead and the answer he's been wanting for decades.” I don’t really have much to say about this part, except maybe “till”, unless you’re going to that fancy “’till”, which wouldn’t quite work in this context, you should consider switching to “until”. And the ellipses, although maybe added in an attempt to add dramatic effect, rather just halts the flow of the sentence awkwardly.

 

"Say... Jongin... do you believe in reincarnation?"

 

"I do." "And why is that so?"

 

"Because I've gone through thousands of lifetimes to reach this one."

 

Reincarnation implies that one has experienced death before. What Jongin goes through is not reincarnation, it’s simple time-travelling.

 

SPELLING & GRAMMAR (10/15)
      Although there aren’t blatant mistakes, you do have quite a few typos and tend to reuse the same words quite often, sometimes even in the same sentence. I’ve noticed that you’ve taken quite a liking to the word “chanced”, since it appears at least once in basically every chapter. Once every two chapters, perhaps, would be passable, but using it continually becomes a nuisance. There are certain areas where the wording gets a little wonky, so make sure everything makes sense when you read it out loud.

 

CHARACTERIZATION (9/15)
       It’s really hard to get to know him, because it seems as if his opinions are convoluted. He seems cold and detached from the world at time, and yet suddenly becomes emotional and caring. There’s no backstory to him, no mention of when it all started, his first recollections of time-travelling, how he dealt with it…. This leaves Kai as a rather empty characters. He’s stuffed with traits that conveniently appear so that they suit the needs of the scene, but that’s it. He has no individualistic quality that sets him apart from anybody else.

 

 

 

PLOT (15/25)

    The plot is one that has the potential to be superb, even though there are many stories with similar plotlines around, except this one has been butchered. I’ve gotta say, the amount of holes in the plot puts Swiss cheese to shame. I don’t even know where to start…listing them all might end up being longer than your whole story. Nonetheless, I’ll just list a few:

 

Chapter 1:

 

“The past million lives had shown him enough to not get startled by such displays.” Excuse me, million? Million? Not counting the extra days in a leap year, but the total of days in 99 years, 11 months and 20 days comes out to roughly 36, 489. So that’s 36, 489 lives. Okay now let’s compare that number, to ‎1,000,000. One million is about 27 times more than the lives he’s lived so far.

 

“Bullet shells were littered everywhere but strangely, none of them had found flesh.” Well, maybe that’s because they’re shells? Bullet shells, cartridges…same thing. They’re just meant to hold the thing that pierces flesh, not actually doing it themselves.

 

“And in his last few seconds in this life, Kai tried to take in every nook and cranny of Sehun’s face -desperately trying to drill him into his memory.” Why? Does he do this with every “significant” person he meets?

 

Chapter 2:

 

“Everything was black; he couldn’t even see his own two fingers.” What happened to the rest of them? How come he only has two left?

 

“Then all of a sudden he heard the doors unlock and unbearable brightness shined down on him.” Right, but there wasn’t a mention of door beforehand, so what’s with the “the”? I would be more appropriate to write something like “Then all of a sudden, he heard the sound of unlocking doors, and a moment later, unbearably brightness shined down upon him.”

 

“In an hour’s time, one of you will be sent off to the arena. And with each hour, another will join in.” Basically, this fight to the death lasts for 24 hours?

 

???Spectators stayed there for a full day?

 

“Kai? You’ve got any Asian blood in you?” So some of the only known attempts of communication between Rome and China were from around 97 CE and onwards, almost 300 years after this current story supposedly takes place. I don’t know if Minseok is from China or Japan or South Korea (for this story’s sake), but if a Chinese envoy sent by a general couldn’t even make it to Rome, I doubt an entire army would be able to: which is also why I must ask, how is he a prisoner of war if war was basically impossible? The two powerful empires, such as the Parthians and Kushans, purposefully kept the two Eurasian flanking powers permanently apart, mainly for business purposes, therefore their mutual awareness remained low.

 

“Kai didn’t want to admit it but he was a little afraid -not of what was awaiting him on the other side but whose body was he going to see lying on the ground first?” In the first chapter, it was said “Kai sniggered and ran forward to keep up with his long strides –this was getting interesting.” From this, the assumption can be made that he doesn’t really take anything seriously. I mean, his life is in danger, and he doesn’t give a damn. How are we supposed to believe his tears when Minseok is dying? Should he have cared even a little about life, he would have been more serious in previous life-threatening situations, no?

 

“The guard beside him shoved a Swiss army knife in his hand.” Fact: the first Swiss Army knife was invented in 1891. Please tell me what it’s doing a thousand years ahead of its time.

 

You get what I mean? Make sure to check your story’s facts and believability.

       

FLOW (10/15)
     Very rushed. I get it, sometimes you pulled an all-nighter to write a chapter, correct? But if that’s going to affect the overall impact of the story, it’s not worth it. Take your time, the story isn’t going anywhere without you.

 

It would have been nice to have some more time getting to know the secondary characters, but time just always conveniently skips from like 23h left to right before their emotional parting. I believe readers will be able to feel these potentially saddening partings much more if they have the time to get to know the other characters. Otherwise, it’s just like “Oh, well…yep they’re gone.”

 

    

WRITING STYLE(3/5)

      It’s comparable to a skeleton. Pretty sturdy, but lacks any depth, dimension, detail…. Everything you write is really straightforward, but you’re not spinning a tale, rather you’re just stating facts, trying to add little titbits of flavour here and there, which don’t really blend with the things around it so they kind of just stick out.

 

GRAPHICS (3/5)

 

I think it's pretty cool how the background changes and shows different settings, which I'm guessing represent the different ages he's been in.  Although perhaps some colour would have been nice, otherwise, when everything is monochrome, things just sorta blend in with each other so nothing really catches the eye.

 

 

OVERALL ENJOYMENT (2/5)
   Although the plot by itself would seem to be a pleasant read, even the most promising story will be tarnished by a shoddy job in every other section.