ANALYST-AGENT MONET
DATE- JUNE 18, 2016
FILE- REVIEW 
AUTHOR- CHARISEUMA
"COALESCE"

 

SPYMASTERBANG'S NOTE

Agent Chrono's slots were full so Agent Monet stepped in for the mission. I hope you will appreciate their anlysis on your story. Good luck chariseuma.

TITLE 9/10

The title is very original and unique, in a way that it’s not often do I see people using the word “coalesce”. I was curious to see what was the link between the title and the story. In a way, I feel like there might be a relation with the differences in the social classes between Seungkwan and Vernon. Though, since there’s only a chapter posted, I can only speculate.

 

SPELLING & GRAMMAR 23/25

I’m actually very picky with grammar, in a way that I will literally analyze each sentence carefully to see whether there’s a grammar mistake or a spelling mistake. I’m happy to tell you that you know your stuff. However, there were a few minor – really minor – mistakes, such as making run-on sentences, using the wrong word and using the wrong tense, and forgetting to put a comma here and there.

A run-on sentence is basically having two independent clauses (or more) in one sentence. Although, you used the right punctuation to join the sentences, it is still considered as a run-on due to the fact that there are many different ideas in one sentence.

For example, in your text, it says “Seungkwan was aware that he was not the strongest boy nor he was the tallest – if he was given the hanbok for girls and grew his hair a little bit longer (Mr. Yonghwa would never allow him to have hair longer than his shoulder), he could have easily passed as a girl.”

See how long it is? There’s so many details in one sentence, that it could also confuse the readers as well. It’s better (and grammatically correct) to separate your ideas in order to keep your readers’ interest.

Instead, you could write it this way, “Seungkwan was aware that he was not the strongest boy nor was he the tallest. If he was given the hanbok for girls and grew his hair a little bit longer, he could easily pass for a girl. However, Mr. Yonghwa would never allow him to grow his hair past his shoulder.”

Another thing you can check is make sure the “subject” stays the same in your sentences in order to avoid making long sentences.

For example, you wrote “Seungkwan’s eyes turned away and with another bow, all of them proceeded backstage to change and join the crowd.”

In this sentence, Seungkwan is the sentence’s subject. However, just a few words later, the subject became “all of them”. Try separating the sentences that don’t have the same subject. The problem here is that you haven’t specified who is “all of them” (though, it’s obvious that it’s Seungkwan and the dancers).

So instead, to keep Seungkwan as the main subject, you can write, “Seungkwan’s eyes turned away from the mysterious boy. And with another bow, he and the other dancers proceeded to backstage to change and join the crowd.

A small spelling mistake here, where you wrote “His curly brunet locks matched well with those beautiful caramel eyes that held so many wander.” Wander is actually a verb and it is used when you want to describe someone who is walking aimlessly. I think you meant to use the word “wonder” instead.

You actually used the correct term in this sentence (i.e. “younger”), however, you used the wrong adverb to start the sentence.

Example: “Ever since he was younger, Seungkwan have always been interested in the arts.”

Correction: “Since he was younger, Seungkwan had always been interested in the arts.”

Since you’re talking about his younger days, you still have to use the past tense. I know it’s kind of an abstract concept to grasp upon, since in your mind, Seungkwan is still interested in the arts, but blame the English language.

 

CHARACTCTERIZATION 19/20

Your characterization is amazing. The main characters are so well described and I really do feel like they’re real, and not just a story’s characters. I appreciate Seungkwan’s personality that seems to match with his real life’s (or at least, what he shows to the viewers). I really can’t wait to see how much they are going to evolve in the next chapters. Vernon is also one of the main characters, I would also love to see a chapter that’s focused on his personality, since the first chapter seemed to be slightly more focused on Seungkwan then Vernon. But, honestly, I have nothing else to say but keep it up!

 

PLOT 17/20

Although your tag did say that it’s a historical story, I didn’t feel like it was. There was no description or whatsoever about the time and place that the story takes in. What year is it in, or at least around which era? We know that it’s in South Korea, but how are the buildings like? Are they modern-looking? A little bit of both? Make sure to describe perfectly the time and space. To be honest, during the whole chapter, I thought it was set in the modern time until I remembered the fact that it was a historical story. You’ve also said that it was based off a mangaka’s story, but not everyone knows the story or the mangaka. So it’s better if you give at least, a little bit of background information.

The story is moving on at a good pace. I am awfully curious and excited to see what do you have in mind for Seungkwan and Vernon. Since it is a romance- story, I think it would be best if you also specified whether it’s like a forbidden romance or not. I’m still confused by that last scene. Both characters were flustered, but it wasn’t specified whether it’s because they were interrupted or because they didn’t want to get caught.

I’m not a writer nor am I an avid reader, so I don’t really know whether it’s implied that same- relationships are okay or not in stories. And since it is a historical story, it would be best if it was specified or not. Other than these small little loopholes, I really like how your story is going. Keep doing whatever you’re doing!

 

WRITING STYLE 15/15

I really have nothing bad to say about your writing style. There’s the perfect balance between description, narration and dialogue, which makes it so much easier and more fun for me to read!

 

OVERALL ENJOYMENT 9/10

I really enjoyed the first chapter of your story! It was really fun and entertaining to see the interaction between Seungkwan and Vernon. I feel like they have a nice chemistry going on there, and I cannot wait to see the continuation of your story.

 

TOTAL SCORE: 92 OUT OF 100

 

 

 

 

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