ANALYST-AGENT CHRONO 
DATE- MAY 30, 2016
FILE- REVIEW 
AUTHOR- ETERNITYSTARS
"WHEN THE TIME COMES"



CHRONO'S NOTE

I'm sorry this took so long! There was some technical difficulties and I didn't check up that you picked up your review because I got insanely busy! I truly apologize for your inconvenience! I also forgot what you specifically asked for so I just went over everything. I'm sorry if you wanted a rating also, if you wanted to improve having a number attached to something doesn't help you in my opinion. Again, sorry this took so long!

 

TITLE

I think the title is rather fitting. It raises a question but also pertains to the story itself. Maybe a bit cliche if it was purely a romance based fic but it's not. So kudos to the title! I really can't think of a better one myself that would fit the story so very good.

 

DESCRIPTION/FOREWORD

Probably be a bit more vague with your description. Remember you have to introduce what these species are in your fic. In the description they are just a meaningless word to the reader. It's also pretty much an explanation of what's going to happen in the prologue, so it makes it a bit pointless.

An example would be: "Sungjong was the last one of his kind. In exchange for his survival, when the time comes Sungjong was to defend South Korea with his life."

Something short and sweet would do the trick. Don't completely give away your plot. Leave the reader guessing so it gets them interested in reading. The description is the first thing besides the title the reader sees. It's very important.

There wasn't really anything in the foreword so I won't be grading it. Though it would be a good place to put the prologue? Some do that to organize the fic a bit more, make it more professional. Just a suggestion, I even don't put something in the foreword but my apologies for being a lazy writer!  

 

SPELLING & GRAMMAR

So I'm going to be looking at this overall instead of chapter by chapter. Spelling wise everything was pretty good, I don't think I saw anything misspelled and if there was any, it was minor. Grammar on the other hand, I tend to go a bit English professor with this and I apologize. I would highly recommend a beta reader, especially one that will help your story overall. They will save you so much trouble. Or simply run it through an online grammar checker. Grammarly.com is free if you run it on chrome, you just have to sign up and it will point out misspellings, passive voice and the like. It doesn't get everything on a free account but it helps incredibly.

Like many, there is a lot of passive voice in your fic. Now, some people claim they like writing in passive voice but it really makes it harder to read. I feel like I drone on about this too much compared to other reviewers but it really helps with the overall sentence flow of the fic.

Examples of passive voice in your fic in parentheses...

• ... the amount of blood that would (be spilled) today.

• ... for the last time the square (was used) for announcements was a few hundred ...

• Cheers (were heard) as the Queen flew up, carrying in ...

• That night, the whole village (was invited) into the castle to enjoy a feast …

Changing these sentences to active voice tends to make sentences shorter, clearer, and more impactful. It's also pretty simple to change, Like with "cheers were heard as the queen flew up" it could be changed to "Everyone cheered as the queen flew up" or "As the queen flew up everyone cheered."

 

Other than that there were some misplaced words, a better word choice could be made since the vocabulary was very simple and a lot of the same words were repeated a lot. Again a beta will really help out with that! Sentence structure and what-not will be addressed in writing style.

 

 

CHARACTERIZATION

I will go more in depth with how rushed this is in plot and flow But characterization, okay... There really isn't much of it. Even with Sungjong who the reader is with the entire time. Everyone but Sungjong seemed like a two-dimensional character, which is fine for everyone but Myungsoo who is...Well, the love interest and very important to Sungjong's development.

If anyone should have been a three-dimensional character, it should be Sungjong and Myungsoo. In the fic Sungjong gets very little development as a character and Myungsoo gets none. I do like your characterization of Sungjong because it's very different from most writers. I appreciate that very much. But it's very hard to like him. Even with everything that happened with him, it's hard to feel empathy towards him as a character. He comes off very cold and unlikeable, sure he's had his hard times but there needs to be something complex and deep that helps a reader love the character even though he's cold. I wish there was more of an internal struggle of not wanting to help save Korea, there isn't much of that there. I inferred he wanted to help because of his friends and Myungsoo, but it all happened really quickly. Not giving the reader much time to mull over it.

The relationships In this are all very rushed, Sungjong meets a lot of people and everything is very skin-deep relationship wise. There isn't any true connections to anyone, sure he has a connection with Infinite, Myungsoo and Taemin but with the lack of depth it's very bland. Myungsoo and Sungjong's romance was quick and not very romantic for that matter. Where is the pining? The push and pull of giving into liking Myungsoo on Sungjong's part? They need a lot of work on their relationship. And I know that Taemin and Infinite are just background characters but more on them would have been wonderful, sub-main characters can be so interesting and help the fic progress so much. It can also give more personality to the main characters and help them with characterization based on their interactions.

What helps me with characterization is I name all of my characters before-hand, label them as "main" "sub-main" and such so I know what I want to do with them. Then give them personality quirks and information on them. Making character profiles really help authors bring the most out of their characters and helps you keep track of what you want to do with them. 

 

 

PLOT

At first I was going to go chapter by chapter, and I did that with my original review but the chapters are so short it doesn't really help much with explaining the major problem with the story overall. This was mentioned earlier but this was rushed and confusing. This is a fantasy fic where you are introducing brand new species that haven't been heard of before, there needs to be a lot of detail on these things, a history if you will. What is there relationship with the humans? Obviously humans known about them but how? And why? I asked a lot of questions during the fic, which is good but I didn't get any answers. Which...Isn't good. It leaves the fic open and the reader confused. The prologue should have been the history of these beings before even leading up to the destruction of it. We barely got to know where Sungjong comes from before it is destroyed. I say "we" meaning general readers.

How Sungjong is treated in general is very strange and unbelievable. You have a highly powerful being that you can't control and you treat them...Badly? People would be scared, sure, and I suppose they are in the fic. But there really isn't anything other than that. Especially the leader of Korea, he's just... Ridiculous. Sungjong doesn't have to do any of this. He's powerful, there aren't any consequences of him doing whatever he wants. Someone might try to stop him but he can easily overpower anyone. Why isn't he being hidden? Or at least his identity. Obviously the people who destroyed his entire Kingdom would want him dead too. Wouldn't it be quite easy to find him if he isn't hiding his powers?

And then there is Chrystal, who in the end is a Queen. Queen's have power, so why didn't she come in to help Sungjong earlier if she cared about him so much and felt responsible? Her and her kind were just very...Irritating with Sungjong's situation. Dumping him off onto the humans, yeah they had a reason but they are powerful too. Couldn't they find him a better place? Keep him hidden? Check up on him every once in a while?

In general, not much happened in the fic. The Icelanders were destroyed, Sungjong was sent off, then he was in school and the bad guys planned an attack, then they attacked. And that's it... Sungjong's life in school had more point than anything else but still not much happened there, he made some friends. Which is great and could be a huge thing in the story, a great conflict for Sungjong. But it's not. It's just "Hey, I made some friends, I like them I guess." He doesn't even get to know them or Myungsoo, and suddenly Myungsoo is in love with him? Yeah, being saved is a huge thing but there has to be a bit more than that. What other reasons are there? And what reasons are there for Sungjong? Because "soulmates" is not a good enough reason by itself.

The main problem I had was the ending. It was really rushed, a bit too overdramatic and unemotional. Sungjong died. I should have felt something! I didn't. At all. I also assumed something was going to happen magic-wise that would revive him. I didn't expect it to be a kiss.... But I mean, to each their own. So on top of dramatic, unemotional in an emotional setting and rushed it was also predictable. You never want your ending to be predictable. Especially not with something that would be so epic and fantastical. I also felt like the very end sentences were a bit of a cop-out. Like you didn't know what do to after that and you didn't want to write another chapter (which would have been a nice tie-up for the characters, maybe some detail on Sungjong's relationship with S.Korea's leader since...I don't know he SAVED the world).

The basis of this is great, just wonderful! It could be so interesting and thought-out. You created unique beings and wonderful worlds you could expand. You have a great character that could be so much more than he is, Sungjong could just be so detailed and amazing and make the readers feel so much. This has so much potential, you should be proud of your creativity. 

 

FLOW

This was so rushed. You had so much story and I thought 10 chapters would get everything in and they probably could if the chapters weren't so short. There was an huge lack of detail and depth in everything. You wrote like your readers should know the history of these two species and their relationship with the people of the earth. I understood where you were wanting to go but it didn't end up there. I'm pretty sure I said this in the plot but you had an amazing idea, with these amazing new lands and people but there isn't any information on them. It's very dry and vague and it's frustrating to read.

 

WRITING STYLE

I would look over your fic again and use more spacing. It all kind of runs to together and makes it hard to read. Spacing and paragraph structure really help fics be more understandable. Your average sentence length is a little bit short. I would look through, or consult with a beta reader, to improve your sentences to make more complex sentences in your writing. Also, work on some of the simple starts of your sentences. A lot of the sentences start with "he" or a name or "It". Try to creatively arrange your sentence beginnings to break up the monotony and choppy style, there is also a huge lack of transitional phrases that really help with sentence structure.


 

OVERALL ENJOYMENT

Yet again, I think you have a wonderful idea. It could be such a great fic if you put more time into it. It was rather unique and interesting, just the lack of detail and rushing hurt it so much. Infinite is my ultimate bias band and Myungjong is what I ship besides WooGyu so I was super happy with taking this review even though I was pretty busy. I am glad I took it because I really want to help you improve, I would love to reread this after you work on it a bit! 

 

 

 

 

 

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