After existing in this world for more than one and a half decade, I had already made thousands of mistakes. People are destined to make mistakes. They always tell us in almost every inspirational books, speeches or essays that nobody's perfect. I would name my child one day as Nobody, so people can tell him he is perfect. And if there'll be someone who will like him, they'll say, "I'm in love with Nobody." Imagine how funny that would be.

There's only one thing I did that I would consider as my biggest and stupidest mistake in the story of us, aside from falling for you.

It's writing.

Yeah, there's nothing wrong with writing, it even helps some exercise their imagination. But I did something horrendous from it. I had a notebook with my letters to be addressed to you that was never supposed to be seen by anyone else. Every special moment spent with you is written there.

Just like this one I am writing today.

If that letter is filled with happiness and innocent dreams, this letter is filled of sadness and dread.

I had already written it in the rock, sealed with incantations and sacrificed with my lunch which was steak, so that no single soul would read any single word in that notebook.  Yet I seemed to forget that I am a fool, and my friends are hopeless romantics.

I had no idea they already knew about my notebook, because as usual, I didn't wonder why they were giving me weird looks. It felt like my whole world was crumbling down when I saw my little black notebook in your hands.

How did it reach you? Who gave it to you? Was it Minju,  or Yujin, or Yuna or Jaein? Or was it Nayeon, or Jeongyeon or Dahyun? Who among them gave it to you even if they knew it would kill me if you knew about my intentions?

It's so embarrassing. I was so ashamed of myself. I wished back then the earth would open up under me and eat me alive.

Your reaction was surprising. I thought back then you'll be disgusted of my childlike lists of our sweet memories only I seemed to cherish, of me calling you 'love' again and again, and of my daydreams  that will never be a reality. Instead you smiled, then grinned, until you were laughing so hard you had tears in your eyes.

Why were you laughing? What was so funny about it?

As if reading the first page containing my declaration of crush for you wasn't enough, you needed to slap the horror of humiliation in my face by bringing the notebook wherever you go. Three days. You always brought it with you for three days. Do you still remember our practice for the Family day in our dance studio? Everytime we had breaks, you'll sit isolated in a corner and open the notebook, never caring that the suspect-turned-victim is out there, eating her heart out. You were even close to being kicked out of the room one time during our biology class when Mr. Lopez caught you reading it instead of the laboratory manual.

You're a bit crazy too.

I was still catching my breath after running the needed 500 meter for our PE class when you approached me. You had on with your dazzling smile, showing off white perfect teeth and pink gums. Your eyes disappear when you smile that big. You have dimples under your eyes, like those of a cat's? And like a miracle, you grabbed my hand and made me run again with you towards the prefect's office.

My heart was beating loudly when I realized where we were heading. I thought back then maybe you will report me for ual harassment because of what I wrote in the notebook, even if it wasn't containing anything ual. The only thing related to it was a line in there saying "I want to wake up everyday with you in our bed." But I assured myself that there wasn't anything ual with it because we're just gonna sleep in the bed. I just wanted to listen to you snore. I wanted to watch your chest fall up and down everytime you breath. I was curious if you drool when you sleep. So I thought that line wouldn't count.

You still had your ear-splitting grin. I desired to punch you back then. You were still smiling even if you planned to report me to the Prefect and make me lose my scholarship and my chance of being first honor for I had already messed up my clean record.

Before we went inside you talked to me. You told me you needed me to regain the notebook that was confiscated by our biology teacher. You asked me to ask forgiveness to the prefect and promise that I won't do it again. Naturally, I said no to your request. I wanted it to rot in the office so you won't finish reading it.

You gave me a sigh so I thought you'd give up. But you were insistent. You went inside the office alone and faced our strict and scary prefect. I don't know how you convinced her, or what reasons you told her. The only thing I know was what that you were able to leave the office unscathed, and my notebook of regret was nestled in your hands, which was already becoming a familiar sight.

"Let me borrow it for awhile." You told me, before continuing to read my notebook.

Jungkook, give me back the notebook. You told me you will only borrow it for awhile.