Chapter Eleven

Dara POV

(italics=English conversation)

It took a couple rings when Jay answered Dara’s call. She was thankful that he was willing to tell her what hotel Jiyong was staying in. Though he mentioned that he didn't know what room he is in and she has to figure it out on her own.

"I'm not apologizing." Jay said after a few moment of silence that both shared. It was awkward after that fight.

Dara just smiled to herself. She knows that Jay felt bad but at the same time, she did need to hear those words as frankly as it was given. Despite it all, she was not mad at Jay. She was just frustrated about the situation. "I know." Then she adds, "Thank you though."

"Okay." He wasn't really happy about what he did to accept her being thankful. "Just call me if you need anything." She had told him that Jinnah is with Leah.

"I will."

She arrived at the hotel not long after that. It was almost 11pm so there wasn't much traffic in this side of the city. She was glad that she was wearing at least decent clothing for this fancy hotel for her plan.

"Good Evening, welcome. How may I help you today?" The receptionist greeted her brightly.

Dara does the same and she thinks hard of what to say. If Jiyong knows the passcode for her phone and mentioned that old habbits... She was positive she can guess what room Jiyong is staying at. Especially if this wasn't accommodation was not by the company or sponsored.

"Hi," she had started, "So I have this odd favor to ask, Anne." She reads her name card to say her name politely.

Anne looked rather uncomfortable but the fact that it's a costumer she kept her composure, "If it's within my capabilities, I am willing to help." Obviously she's stating that she's already cautious about this weird favor.

"Okay, I have this music festival I have to attend tomorrow. And I have this peculiar ritual before every show that the room that I plan to stay needs to be of the same room number, if that makes sense?" Dara explained. She was thankful the expression on Anne softened and she seemed relieved.

Anne smiles and nods, "Yes, it does. Is there a room you're thinking of?"

Dara thinks trying not to sound stalkerish or too weird if she states the room correctly. "On the eighth floor. Either room 8018? 8028? 8038? Any room actually that has 8 ad the end and eight at the beginning." She could see that this room accommodation has been asked before and if that's the case, she knows what room Jiyong is staying in. "To be more specific too, 8018, or 8028 would be perfect."

Anne blinks realizing that she's too specific. "Let me look." She hits some numbers in her desktop to determine what rooms are open. "How long would you be staying?"

"Just for the night. My manager doesn't know I left but tradition and my weird omens and all." Dara lies smoothly.

"Understandable." Anne replies with a smile, then she bites her lip reading through the occupants. "Oh, actually that wing for 0818 to 0830 full."

Bingo. She found him. He had paid for that whole side so no one would see him walk in and out his hotel room. Rich bastard.

"Oh that's sad." Dara said, though she was now freaking out on the side because she had to go up there now.

"But, 8038 is open. Would you like to take that room instead?"

Dara smiled. "Yes. That would be great." That's the only way she can get to that floor is through an elevator key anyway. So she has to.

Dara was standing in front of the room 8018.... She could feel her chest pounding across her chest heavily. This was it, she had already rehearsed everything she needed to say on the way here. She was going to tell him everything. If it makes her sound pathetic so be it. She had to fix this because this wasn't for her but for Jinnah.

She took a deep breath and finally knocked. If she was wrong and this wasn't Jiyong's room then destiny means that she doesn't know him as well as she had thought.

If this was indeed Jiyong's room then—

The door opened not a second later, revealing a rather surprised Jiyong.

She didn't even give him time to react since she walked in the hotel room. He didn't even fight it, he just opened the door.

"What are you doing here Dara?" He asked in exasperatingly. He closed the door behind him and leaned his head on it. He was afraid to move an inch.

Dara just bit her lip and once again had lost her words. No matter how she tried, Jiyong always makes her feel small. She tried to rack her brain for anything to start with but for some reason it does not exists.

"Are you seriously just going to stand there?"

"If you just let me gather my thoughts for a second then maybe I'd talk!" And that's it Dara snapped. She doesn't care if she owes him an explanation, the reason why she's speechless because she couldn't take the look on his face. "I came here not for me but for our daughter! If you can't even be in the same room as me without snapping at me then how can we deal with this for her?"

He was taken aback by this and clenched his teeth trying to control himself. "Then say it."

And then she spoke the words that she hasn't voiced since she had stopped seeing a therapist years ago. "I was depressed Jiyong. I had a problem but I never admitted to it because I didn't want to see myself as a weak person."

He just looks at her. He already sort of knew this with how Dara's emotions would be at a high and at a low all at the same time.

"I'm not saying this so I'd get pity from you. I don't need it." She sighed. "I'm just telling you so you'd understand why I did what I did."

He nods urging her to continue.

"After the accident..." She swallows the tears that threatened to leave her eyes. She wasn't about to cry not now. "I had gotten worse. I think everything I had been keeping in just—" she paused. She was the type of the person who kept everything to herself without dealing with it. She had thought ignoring them it would just go away not affecting her in the end but it has already started to leave a hole in her... "My dad leaving, my mother broken, Chaerin hating me though I know I did that, my criticisms for being in 2NE1, then when we broke up, the accident, then your wedding announcement."

Jiyong froze and was about to say anything. He knew the wedding affected her at that's why she left but he didn't realize that he was the trigger to this. "I—"

Dara lowers her head away from his gaze and choked on her almost sob, "Don't look at me that way. I didn't tell you this to for you to feel sorry for me." She hated that look on his face, she need not his pity. She learned to live with it now. Jinnah was her source of happiness but she knows that there are times that her darkness would swallow her but admitting the problem was the start.

"I'm not." He lied.

She knew he was lying. She didn't want his pity because if he hears the whole story, she is positive judgment is what is going to show his face. "The way for me to avoid with the issues I have was to distract myself with anything to keep my mind off of it. Whether it was burying myself with school work or extra-curricular activities when my dad left, to hiding behind work not thinking about anything else."

She pursed her lips and sobbed trying to recall those dark moments is like reliving them. Talking about it once with a therapist was hard enough but saying it again now when one of the causes of her breakdown was standing right in front of her was a totally different thing. "I tried to go back to work as soon as I was fine." By fine, meant that she was off the cast from her broken leg and could walk in at least a three inch heels. "It was against, Hyunsuk-oppa's choice but I needed it badly but I didn't realize it was the doom of me."

Jiyong clenched his teeth and grumbles, "The spot light or any sort of bright light pointed at you puts you on trance and you had an episode on the photoshoot."

"Yes," Everyone in the company knows about this, since Dara's trauma has cost the company alot of money due to canceled photoshoots and CFs. Dara hated to admit it but it happened more than once. She would insist that she was fine, but eventually five minutes into the photo shoot the flash of the camera along with the spotlight would trigger the voices and the sounds of the crash, even the image of her mother. "Eventually, they thought it was best that I'd take a break and they said they'd understand."

"Of course they did. They knew the situation. They shouldn't have given you any trouble for it."

And that's when Dara's eyes finally met his since she had arrived in the hotel room. In the past twenty minutes they may be facing each other but that doesn't mean they are looking into each other's eyes. Neither one had to say something because both knew what that gaze meant. Dara knew what Jiyong did for her during this time, so the company wouldn't lose any more money on productions for canceled shoots Jiyong took over Dara's shoots and CFs for lesser price than he's worth. He was even etude's representative for the three months before Dara'a contract ended.

But as thankful as she was about it now, back then Dara had thought if it as her curse. Living through the pain was something she has never been though, and it wasn't just about the accident but it was everything else that she held everything back and burying these thoughts for many years. She was overwhelmed with all of it that a certain emptiness and darkness was slowly taking over her. Yet no matter how she tries to stay strong she couldn't control it.

"I felt like I was swallowed whole by this overwhelming emotions that I’ve never experienced before and I was suffocating." Even saying it was like reliving those moments where she was so lost and alone. Thinking about it now, she had realized how destructive she had been to herself. Jiyong was a victim to that as well and what made her change to finally get help was because of Jinnah.

The next few words she uttered slowly, she was afraid to say it because she was ashamed of herself. Out of the stupid things she had done, this was what she had regretted the most. She prays to God all the time, thankful that her idiotic actions didn’t affect Jinnah of any kind. Though there are times that Jinnah gets sick easily she had asked the doctors if this was because what she did during the early on of her pregnancy but the pediatrician said it isn’t. It was some genetic thing and that’s when she’d always tell herself that Jiyong had always been the sickly type. “Whatever rumors you heard about me Jiyong… they were real.”

The guilt and pity he had felt for her a few minutes ago had dissipated and he was started shaking in frustration. He had heard that Dara was a borderline alcoholic and hanging out with the wrong crowd of the idols who does nothing but drink and party. "You were pregnant Dara, what were you thinking—"

"I was sick Jiyong!" She figured he was going to react this way but the way he said it just made her blood boil. He made it sound so easy, when it isn't. She hated people who doesn't understand what this actually meant. She even had judged her mother then but going through it much worse than her mother did... She finally knew how it felt to fall into that dark hole not knowing if she'd able to come out. "I knew I was pregnant but I couldn't comprehend it. It was the only thing that kept those feelings I had at bay. It was a dangerous game but I was alone and I didn't have anyon