I wake up. Not actually wake up, only my eyes open. My soul is still lost somewhere in the dreamland. I check my chest, there is an empty space. Yeah! I lost my heart. I keep staring, not at any specific thing, just staring since my eyes open. Then my eyes got tired. I get back to sleep. I can’t remember how many times I did that. I just can’t get out of my bed. I don’t feel like eating, talking, or doing anything. I only lay there on my comfortable bed. I guess people can’t function right without a heart and a soul. I lost both of them, yesterday.

 A day has gone by, I guess. I don’t even bother looking at the clock or my phone. No one is calling me, I’m sure. Si Won was the only one called and texted me every day before. Right now, I probably he no longer bothers doing that.  I only know the day has gone by from the light out of my window. It raised and fell, quickly, just as my dreamy fairy tale love story.

“Ji Hyo ah.” – Jae Joong knocks on my door.

When has he started calling me sweetly like that? Actually this is the first time ever. He either called me “maid” or “you”. He never called me by name before. I am surprised that he even knows my name.

“Go away!” – I weakly say.

I don’t want to see him. I don’t want to talk to him, not in this pathetic figure of me. I had enough of his pity yesterday. And I know I am not strong enough to fake being ok in front of him right now. So I decide to hide in here, letting time heal my broken heart. But he doesn’t leave me alone. He is very good at being consistent and it is annoying.

“Eat something. You haven’t eaten anything all day.” – He softly says. He stands on the other side of the door. I can’t see his face but I can feel the concern in his voice. He sounds genuine but I am not sure. After last night, I really don’t know what to believe any more. I used to trust my instinct but my prince clearly proved me wrong. My instinct is totally terrible.

“I’m not hungry.” – I response, emotionless.

He doesn’t say anything after that. I don’t think he is leaving neither. I can’t hear his food step. Is he still sitting in front of my room? For what? I don’t know. Is he genuinely worried about me? I am not sure. There are too much questions. I am not asking and answering those questions by myself anymore. My head is hurt. I close my eyes, trying to sleep again. I will ignore him, for now.

The sun rises again and sets again, one more day has past I guess. Jae Joong knocks on my door more than 4 times today still asking me to eat. Is eating the only thing he cares about? I don’t need to eat. I want to starve myself to death. Dying is probably better than enduring the painful feeling inside my chest right now.

However, I think Jae Joong is losing his patient. He is pounding really hard on my door right now. It is so noisy but I ignore it. I don’t feel like dealing with his crazy manner right now. I only want to be alone but of course he never lets me do what I want. Without my consent, he unlocks my door. I totally forget that he has a spare key. This is his house after all.

“Why are you coming to a woman bedroom without permission?” – I frown. This is a serious violation of privacy. What if I was changing?

“This is enough.” – He firmly says.

“What is enough?” – I yell, still laying on the same spot I have been laying the last two days. I am not planning on moving to a different spot.

Without answering me, he walks to my side bed, lifts me up and puts me on his shoulder as he did at the photoshoot day. What with him and carrying me on his shoulder? He still doesn’t remember how heavy I am?

“What the hell are you doing again? Let’s me down.” – I scream, flouncing hard on his shoulder.

Just as always, he doesn’t bother to answer me and carries me straight to his car. He puts me down on the passenger chair, closes the door and quickly gets into the driver side.

I turn to him and about to yell at his face but suddenly he moves closely to me. His face is right next to mine. I can feel his breath brush by my neck. I get flutter. My face turns red, I’m sure. Before I can react, I realize that my upper body is trapped by his left arm. He reaches my seatbelt. Slowly, very slowly, he pulls the seat bell down, over my torso. There is only a very think gap of air between his hand and my chest. If he moves his hand any closer, I am sure he can feel my heart is pounding crazily. I hold my breath. I feel like I got hypnosis, paralyzed and only wake up when the seat bell is snapped in place.

What just happened? I thought that my heart dead. It didn’t beat the last two day but suddenly it pounds hard. I have been trying to stay away from him after dating Si Won, especially after the night he confessed to me. I almost forgot that he has a special power over me. He always is able to make my heart beat uncontrollable and my body reacts in an unexplainable way in front of him

Before my heart can calm down, he already presses the gas pedal and it doesn’t help my crazy heart beat at all as he drives about 100 miles/hour.

“Are you crazy?” – I yell.

He doesn’t response and turns the music louder, his own song, of course, a sad one though. I have never given much attention in his songs but this one is exceptional.  It is so beautiful, the music, the lyrics, and his voice. They are so beautiful but so sad, so sorrow. My head gets calmer but my heart is hurting again.

(A/N: in case you haven’t listened to the song. This is the link https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=INBOxpXHp60)

Live in the loved memories
Cherished pain is also left in there (memories)

I tried to hold you back as I fall. Even I cry out (to call you) you wouldn’t come..
Even I catch you and shout. You wouldn’t come.. i don’t see you

I feel so all alone
I feel so all alone
I wanna run to you my love
I ‘m saving
All my love for you

Love Love Love Love Love
Love Love Love Love Love

Even I dislodge our love which became a secret from my heart
Even my overly regret searches for you.. it’s obstructed

I feel so all alone
I feel so all alone
I wanna run to you my love
I ‘m saving
All my love for you

Love Love Love Love Love with you my love
Love Love Love Love Love with you my love
Love Love Love Love Love with you my love
Love Love Love Love Love with you my love

I feel so all alone
I feel so all alone
I wanna run to you my love
I ‘m saving
All my love for you

I love this song, maybe because it describes exactly how I feel right now, all alone. Even Jae Joong is next to me, I still feel so lonely. I want to see Si Won so badly. I miss him so much. I think I cried out his name in my dream for more than twenty times but even in my dream, he didn’t come to see me. He only comes in my mind, uninvited, him and the beautiful memory that he gave me. They keep appearing in my head and don’t want to leave me alone. I tried to forget him but it is easier to say than to do. The more I try to forget him, the more I miss him. He, his handsome face, his sweet voice, his tender touch, why can’t I get rid of them? Why do they keep haunting me?

My tears unknowingly start falling. I am not sobbing, only tears quietly drop down. I don’t wipe my tears. I let them run on my face. My body is so weak that I can’t even move my hand. But he does. I thought he has been focusing on the street but I guess he does pay attention to me. With his left hand still firmly holds on the wheel, he wipes the tears off my cheek by his right hand. Then unexpectedly, he pulls my head toward him and lets it rest on his shoulder. I have no power to resist his touch. He softly caresses my head. His touch is gentle, so gentle that it makes me feel comfortable enough to cry more. I keep on crying, and he keeps on caressing my head.

So he does have a gentle side too.

After an hour or so of driving, he stops in front of the beach. He opens the door for me. It is so dark and so empty, no one is around.

“Let’s go” – He says.

I have no energy to ask where to. I quietly follow him. We walk closer to the water. Then he suddenly screams “AHHHHHHH” so loudly. I got startle.

“What is wrong with you?” – I ask while plugging my ears with my fingers.

“Now is your turn.” – He turns to me and says.

“My turn for what?” – I ask as I honestly don’t know what he expects me to do.

“Scream your lung out. Yelling, crushing, whatever you want. No one is here so you can feel free to yell.”

“Why should I do that?” – I frown

“So you can feel better. Whenever I feel sad or stress. I like to scream in front of the beach, let all my frustration out, empty all my negative thoughts. Just try. It may work for you too.”

So he takes me all the way here to let me release my sadness. I didn’t expect that he can be this thoughtful. He does care for me. It is not the first time neither. Last time, he drove 2 hours just to get me a good ginseng soup. He is not good at talking but he does show his care by action. But I always ignore his affection and assume the worst of him. I am a real blind person.

I scream, scream out all the hatred, all the frustration, all the sadness in my heart. I scream so loud that I hurt my throat but then my heart feels lighter. This kind of therapy does work.

He stands next to me the entire time. He doesn’t plug his ears. He listens to me. The noise doesn’t seem to bother him at all. His eyes are on the far dark ocean out there. He doesn’t say a word but somehow I feel like he is comforting me. His present is enough to comfort me. He looks cool at this moment, in front of the dark ocean, under the bright moon light.

Thank you Jae Joong.