Doctors and nurses slowly leave the room, only me, Jae Joong, and my prince left. The room is quiet, deadly quiet, only my sobbing is echoing around the room.

“Can I have a moment alone with him?” – I ask Jae Joong, I almost can’t hear my own voice after all the crying that I just did.

He is quiet for a while then he leaves the room and closes the door behind him, leaving me and Si Won in this big white sad room. Slowly, I climb to Si Won bed. I lie down on the tiny space next to him. Then I turn my body toward him. His face is right next to me. He is still so handsome. He is sleeping so peacefully. I run my fingers, slowly, gently from his forehead, to his nose, his lips. Those handsome figures of him, I miss touching them. He liked it very much when I caressed his face before. He said he loved the feeling of my soft delicate fingers running on his face.

 Then slowly, I stop my hand on his chest. I spread my palm flat on the center of his chest. This chest, beneath this chest, there was a muscle that always pounded very hard every time I touched him. But now, why that muscle doesn’t move any more, not even a slightest move? Why?

Please beat! Please beat!

 I can’t stand this quietness. Oppa, please wake up oppa. Please don’t keep lying like that. I am dying here. My heart aches too much, what can I do, oppa?

I keep on crying, next to him, on that bed, for hours.

Oppa …

 His family quickly sets up his funeral after that day. Not only is his family but the whole Korea in grief for the young handsome talented man like him. So many people come to his funeral. They are all very sad. Some even came all the way from China to give him the last farewell. He is loved by so many people. Of course, he is my Si Won. He was a wonderful man.

I begged his family to let me stay by their side on the funeral and they kindly let me. His mother said that he always talked about me when he was in the hospital. She was glad that I could be by his side on the last moment of his life.

So in those 3 days, I stay by his family side, take care of his funeral. I don’t really take any care of the funeral. I only sit in one spot, next to his altar, crying, sobbing, or keeping silence. I am useless I know but that is all I can do. I can’t even eat. Jae Joong tries to feed me a couple times but I push him away. I don’t really want to have anything to do with him at the moment. I still can’t get over how he lied to me. But mostly, because I am in front of Si Won altar. I don’t want to accept another’s man care. Now I know the whole truth, I feel as I have been cheating on Si Won the whole time. He spent the last 6 months of his life thinking about me, loving me. But I, I was happily running around with Jae Joong. Let the reporters tell the world how happy I was in love with another man while my Si Won lying helplessly on his bed. I feel guilty just thinking about how Si Won must feel when he read the news about me and Jae Joong. He must be disappointed about me very much for quickly forgetting about him and falling for another guy. I am seriously a terrible person. How could I get over him so quickly? I am an awful, rotten woman.

This is the last day of the funeral. I help his family clean up before leaving. His mother keeps telling me to go home and rest but I refuse to listen to her. This is the least I can do for his family. As we done cleaning up, I kneel down on the floor in front of his parents and give them a bow.

“Stand up. You don’t have to do that.” – His father tells me.

“Right Ji Hyo ah, you must be tired. Just stand up” – His mother kindly advices me

“Please let me at least do this. Thank you for giving birth to a wonderful man as oppa. I’m sorry that I couldn’t be a better help the last few days. Please take care of your health and don’t be too grief.” – I say and make the last bow toward them then stand up.

His mother pulls me in her arms – “This pitiful girl, you must be struggled a lot the last few days. You cried so much for our Si Won. It would be nice if we have a daughter in law like you. You take care of your health too and be happy. That’s what Si Won wants. Do you understand?” – She tells me in tears. What a kind mother! Si Won probably had his kindness from his mother.

“Thank you.” – I softly say.

 They leave and I also walk out of the funeral house.

“Ready to go home?” – I turn around and it is Jae Joong. It seems as he has been waiting to take me home.

We haven’t spoken the last few days except when he asked me to eat. I still don’t know what I should do about my relationship with him yet. To me, relationship should base on trust but our relationship started with a lie. Even though it was an unintentional lie but still, it was a lie. If he didn’t help Si Won lie to me that night, I probably would still be with Si Won. Our relationship probably would never start. I am not sure if I want to continue this kind of relationship anymore.

“Can you give me a little alone time?” – I ask him, alone is what I need. I need to be by myself and rethink about our relationship.

He sighs, loud enough for me to hear it. I take a glance at his face. He is sad. The death of his best friend probably hits him hard. I should comfort him but I can’t even comfort myself, how can I comfort him?

“Sure, but can I at least take you home? Then I will leave you alone at home as you wish.”- He asks me with a very sorrow voice

I don’t want him to take me home but I can’t say no to his sad voice. I take a deep breath – “Fine.”

I get inside his car. We both are quiet on the way home. Neither of us talks. There are so many things that we need to talk but I guess neither of us can figure out where to start. So we both choose to be silence. My eyes are outside the window. The road is so busy but why I feel it is so sad. I guess when you are sad, everything around you become sad.

We finally arrive at his house. The car is parked in his garage. I walk out first. I assume that he is leaving but he doesn’t. He follows me inside the house.

“What are you doing? I told you I want to be alone.” – I scowl as we are standing in front of my room.

“How can I let you be alone? We haven’t talk for four days.” – He raises his voice.

“What is there to talk about? Do you want to talk about how you lied to me? Do you want to talk about how you hide the fact that my boyfriend was dying?” – I yell at him. That is why I didn’t want to talk. I am still frustrated and I know if we talk there will be a big fight. I am never good at controlling my temper.  

“I had no choice. He begged me to keep secret. What can I do?” – He is very frustrated too, he starts screaming just as loud as I did.

“How about do the right thing. Let’s me know that my boyfriend was dying. Don’t you think I deserve to know the true?” – I scream my lung out, so angry that I can feel the heat comes out of my head.

“Stop calling him your boyfriend. I am your boyfriend now. I am, not him.” – He yells very loudly, sadness and anger mix up in his eyes.

I am angry too, very furious. Now I resent him for being selfish – “No, you are not my boyfriend any more. We are breaking up.” – I say it out loud. My heart immediately sinks the moment I said the words break up. Do I really want a break up? I am not sure. Do I? But nevertheless, I spoke out the B word.

He is in shock that he stays quiet for a very long minute. We both stay quiet for a very long minute.

“Why should we break up? There is no reason for us to break up.” – He asks, low tone

“There are many reasons for us to break up.” – I answer, my voice is as low as his – “Our relationship started with a lie. I am not sure if we would start dating if I knew about Si Won illness. Don’t you think that we were in the wrong start? Our relationship shouldn’t exist in the first place.”

“But we love each other. You love me, don’t you?” – He asks me, desperate.

I ask myself if I love him.

Yes, of course I love him, very much but … Thing would be different if he told me the truth. However, he lied to me. I don’t think I will be able to get pass that. Not any time soon. I keep my silence but my heart aches. Tears suddenly roll out of my cheek irrepressibly.

He walks closer to me and holds my hands, tightly – “Let’s start over ok? I don’t want to break up. I love you very much. I can’t live without you. We were very happy. We can continue our happiness, can’t we?” – Tears are falling down from his eyes too. He is very sad, the saddest that I have ever saw in his face.

I start getting weak. My heart wants me to hug him and kiss his tears away but my head doesn’t allow me to. Even if we start over, can we be as happy as we were before? I don’t know. My grief over Si Won is still too big. I need time to get over it. I need time to heal.

I pull my hands away from his hands – “I need time to think. Please let me be by myself today.” – I tell him and walk quickly to my bedroom. I locked my door, sit down on the floor, curl my knees to my chest then I cry. I cry out all my frustration and sadness. My head, my heart, they all hurt so much.

What should I do?

What should I do, Si Won oppa?