2010 . 11. 27 – 5:30PM (GMT+9; Time in S. Korea)

She held her head in her hands as her knees supported her elbows.  Krystal could feel her insides turn and toss; her head having a large gong being hit every 2 seconds—as if it was literally throbbing.  She squeezed her eyes a few times, seeing stars flutter in front of her eyes once she finally opened them.  Krystal let her head fall back onto the back of the couch.  She lazily grabbed a bottle of water and took small sips.  She could feel her palms sweat and her heart race all over again.  Krystal fixed her posture, sitting up straighter as she placed her hands on her knees, arms erect in stand.  She breathed deeply and slowly, in through her nose and out through .

“You okay?”

Krystal turned her head slightly to the right and found her group leader taking a seat next to her, concern evident on her face.

“I feel like sh*t,” Krystal blurted without any remorse.

Victoria chuckled.  “You look like it, too.”

Krystal made a face.  “Gee, thanks.”

She shrugged.  “Sorry—just being honest.” The group leader patted her knee.  “Have you eaten?”

Krystal fell back into the couch.  “I tried,” she responded.  “I don’t really have an appetite.”

Victoria hummed as a response.  “Alright, well try to take it easy with the performance we have coming up, okay?”

Krystal groaned in distress, but nodded nonetheless.  She sighed deeply as she looked up to the ceiling.  She tried to focus her breathing as she began to see small stars form around her.  Krystal then closed her eyes to pan away from the shiny objects hallucinating in her mind.  She wished she didn’t close her eyes because the first thing she always saw as soon as her eyes closed were her ex-lover: Amber.  Today didn’t make things any easier on her half; Amber had decided to webcam with her and the rest of the members through Skype, giving them a quick best of luck for their performance.  Everyone had said something to Amber besides her and she could see that the latter was worried, noticing the paleness of her face.

Amber had wished for her to feel better and all Krystal could do was nod before heading off to the bathroom to throw up her nerves.  Every time she saw the girl—whether it was on webcam with the group or in person (as she saw back in LA), all she wanted to do was throw up.  Her insides twisted into knots she never knew could even form and she could feel her heart pour out of her chest.

“Hey girls,” One of their manager called, interrupting Krystal’s dreadful train of thoughts.  “You’re coming up soon.  Start moving to the stage.”

The girls obliged verbally in unison, gathering themselves to approach to the stage not too far from their dressing room.

“You okay?”

Krystal turned slightly to the right to find her short band member looking at her with worry.  She nodded as a response as she held her head with her left hand.

Luna winced.  “You sure?”

“I have to be,” Krystal replied.  “Amber wished us luck.”

The latter gave out a weak smile.  “You can still tell, you know.”

Krystal gave out a small and confused look, tweaking her head to the side slightly.  Luna’s weak smile turned into a stronger one.  “She still loves you.”

Krystal could feel her heart flutter.  She chuckled nervously.  “Let’s not get too ahead.”

“Oh, Soojung,” Luna laughed.  “That’s your fever talking.”

Krystal couldn’t help but laugh at the matter and shook her head.  She appreciated this.  She appreciated her.  She finally able to talk about the person she loved openly and truthfully—to a certain extent at least.  But it was something.  And at this point, Krystal took in anything.

Krystal stood at the side of the stage, where she and the other girls, staff members and their managers waited along with them.  This was one of the moments she missed Amber the most.  It was a little moment like this one—a moment that only lasted for a few minutes where she would watch Amber pace back and forth, hop a few times and then repeat out of nervousness.  She would tell Krystal not to be nervous even though clearly, it should have been the other way around.  She chuckled to herself sullenly at the thought, feeling an overwhelming of sadness creep into her.

And then it would lead into secret air kisses.  There could be a few people in between them, cutting away at their personal space and the both of them would still find a way to get the other’s attention and throw in a small pucker of lips; a pucker of lips that meant, “I wish I could kiss you right now.” But they both knew that in that sheer moment, it wasn’t possible.

On top of the wishful and secret kisses would be glances.  Krystal could always feel her knees go weak when Amber would give her a special kind of smirk that not even the fans saw—at least to her knowledge.  She sighed to herself.  Knowing how her fans were, they probably caught the smirk of glance before she did; the thought made Krystal laugh lightly.

Krystal looked out into the stage, feeling her head become a little lighter.  She swore to herself to slam herself into the van once she was done with this performance—whether she was in stage clothing or , she just wanted to sleep.  She could feel her palms sweat again, causing her to exhale slowly through .  She looked down to her right ring finger and held the ring slimly in place with her free hand gently.  I really wish you were here, Krystal thought.  Whenever she felt sick, Amber was the remedy.  She didn’t need medicine; she didn’t need rest—all she needed was Amber to hold her in her arms.  And honestly, that was all Krystal ever asked for.  But every time she thought about it, especially more that they’ve been apart—she was forced to remember that they weren’t just young teenagers falling in love; Amber and Krystal were Korean pop idols.  No one could stress it enough in her world—it was all they ever heard.

The staff member working at the stage gave f(x) their cue and they quickly guided themselves onto the stage.  Two songs, Krystal thought.  Two songs and you can lie down.  Get through this.  She’s watching you from afar.  And that was the only thing really keeping her going—Amber.  As Krystal walked onto the stage quickly, she was reminded that she had to sing “Chu” – the single that got everything started between the two of them.  Having to say her ex-lover’s name out loud again after a while of not even promoting with her.  Krystal grimaced with the combination of physical and emotional pain.  She rarely ever said the girl’s name and all it took was one time to get her started—one time in one song—the one song that she will always remember the most.  Why?  Because that was the song both Krystal and Amber bonded the most.  It was during that promotion time that things were real; the realization that things between them are real.

Krystal started singing with the rest of her group but she could barely focus on the performance.  She found herself subconsciously glancing to her side every now and then, left and right, hoping—in some way—Amber would be there performing with her.  But she wasn’t.  And it only broke Krystal’s heart even more.  Hearing Amber’s voice on the track play could never top the actual real thing during the performance.  And even if their next song, “Mr. Boogie” was a big more feminine, she honestly didn’t care.  Victoria and any other member could cover Amber’s part but all Krystal heard was her girl’s voice.

My girl…

Krystal could feel her body numb out; she was practically losing strength with every passing second of singing and dancing.  Her stage charisma struggled to stay in place but all Krystal could see were stars.  She could feel the mic slip in her hand and her back give out.

With all of her strength left over, she glanced sullenly to the rest of the girls, hoping one of them would notice.  They all made brief eye contact but Krystal could tell that they were a little confused and worried.

Without any warning, Krystal lost control of her legs—completely blanking out as she fell to the ground, whispering Amber’s name, hoping someone would hear her.

But of course, no one did.