2010 . 02 . 28 – 6:14PM

Loud applause and cheers were heard throughout the entire stadium as Krystal and Amber watched Girls’ Generation give their final bow and thanks to their fans at their concert.  Krystal and Amber watched from backstage in awe—hoping to one day have their own concert as f(x).  No matter how many times they’ve seen concerts for their fellow label-mates or anyone they were fans of in general, they still found themselves in high amusement with the amount of adrenaline that rushes through one’s body over excitement, nervousness, a good type of anxiety—and all of the above whenever it came to performing in front of a huge crowd.

“You did well,” Krystal complimented.  She observed her surroundings, noticing no one was around and before Girls’ Generation came down to enter the same vicinity as the couple was in—she planted a quick kiss on the cheek, giving her girlfriend a bright smile.

Amber blushed.  “Thank you.”

“You’re not 5’2”, by the way,” the latter said with a laugh, referring to the rap verse she had in Yuri’s cover song of Ciara’s “1, 2 Step” ft. Missy Elliot.

Amber laughed with her and heard Girls’ Generation approaching them.  “I know, I know—you got me there.”

“Hey, guys!” Tiffany said brightly and gave their juniors a hug.  “What are you guys doing back here?” she asked.

“Hanging out,” Amber replied as she and Krystal greeted the rest of the girls and headed their way to the back to where the dressing rooms were.

“Where are Luna, Sulli and Victoria?” Jessica asked as she put an arm around her younger sister.

“In the crowd still,” Krystal answered.  She added a small laugh.  “They want to “continue to experience a live concert as people,” not celebrities.”

Jessica laughed with her sister.  The entire group reached Girls’ Generation’s general dressing room where their stylists and other staff members were located.  Jessica sat down with Krystal on a small couch.  Whenever she got time with Krystal, especially now that her little sister debuted—she cherished any time she got with her more than ever.  She made sure to treat her little sister as a princess; because she wanted to.  They began to speak about the concert along with the older senior idol asking for any criticisms about the night’s performances.  Of course, Krystal gave her honest answers and her honest opinions—she couldn’t lie to her older sister.  She knew very well that she didn’t want to be lied to about how she performed either.

During the conversation, Krystal noticed Amber hanging out with the rest of Girls’ Generation.  She mentally chuckled seeing her laugh with the girls; she was always a very sociable person and Krystal knew how well people naturally grew to like her no matter what.  It was one of the key factors she loved about the older girl—how she was so able to interact with others of all shapes and sizes—physically, emotionally, soulfully, and etc.  Jessica caught the looks from the younger girl to the older girl—immediately seeing a change of “light” in her sister’s eyes.

“How’re you and everyone else?” Jessica asked, breaking her sister’s concentration.

Krystal nodded with a smile, reverting her attention back to Jessica.  “We’re all good.  We have a new manager.”

“I saw,” Jessica elongated the statement.  She perked her lips.  “He’s cute.”

Krystal gave out a half laugh.  “Yeah, he’s an Army guy, if Army-idol-managers are your type.”

Jessica thought for a quick second.  She tested her mind out.  “And what?” she asked.  “They’re not yours?”

Krystal’s heart leaped out of nerves.  “Uh…” she chuckled with embarrassment.  “You know that I don’t really have a type.”  Jessica caught Krystal’s eyes move pass her briefly and she could only assume that it was towards the infamous tomboy of f(x).

Jessica wasn’t satisfied.  “I don’t know.”  She cleared and crossed her legs.  “You’re turning sixteen this year and you don’t have a type?  At least even a little?”

Krystal swallowed a lump that formed in .  “I turn seventeen.”

“In Korean-age,” Jessica corrected.

Krystal rolled her eyes.  “Why would it matter, anyways?”

The latter scoffed.  “Calm down, I’m just curious.  When I was sixteen, Tiffany and I were gushing over men already—she more than I, of course, but you know the deal.”

Before Krystal could answer, Taeyeon called the group over, along with their stylists and staff members to a universal huddle.  Jessica excused herself and went over to the huddle, crossing paths with Amber who was now walking towards Krystal.  They exchanged small smiles with each other through the pass.  Amber sat down in the space next to Krystal that was occupied by Jessica and greeted her.

“Hey, beautiful,” she said in English lowly.

Krystal blushed.  “Careful, Am,” she whispered harshly.  “Did you forget that this room isn’t so big and that Jess and Tiff can understand?”

Amber laughed.  “It’s okay, sheesh.”  She added a shrug.  “It’s not like they would take it seriously, anyways.”

As Krystal opened to say something, she was cut off by Tiffany calling to the both of them, telling them that they should be in the group huddle, as well.  The juniors smiled at the thoughtful invitation and made their way to the group.  Krystal purposely bumped into Amber—a common thing the both of them had noticed that the younger girl did quite often whenever she got the chance.  It wasn’t much—no not at all—but any chance Krystal got to be slightly intimate with her girlfriend, she took that chance over anything.  Jessica caught it, even if it did last for only one second.  But she didn’t catch it simply from the random bumping—no everyone did that; she caught it by noticing how the two looked at each other and smiled right after it happened. 

During the group huddle, Taeyeon thanking the rest of her members, followed by everyone else who participated in the support of the concert, Jessica having her attention averted to Amber and Krystal, instead of the kid leader.  She carefully observed them, trying to see if there was anything else weird about the two of them that she could pinpoint.  She noticed that they couldn’t keep their hands off each other; not in the ual sense.  However, instead, more in the bickering-joking sense.  Then again, they’ve always been like that, Jessica thought to herself.  The older girl grew frustrated trying to figure things out.  She knew that something was—different.  She just couldn’t really figure out what.

Fortunately enough, the quick huddle ended and everyone cheered and applauded with each other.  Jessica caught on after hearing the outburst from everyone around her and followed suit, also giving off a fake smile and a “woo” here and there for emphasis on her so-called “excitement.”  Jessica immediately walked over to the two f(x) members.

“Hey, feel like spending some time with me tonight?” Jessica asked with a bright smile.  She was getting too good at this.

Krystal glanced at Amber briefly, Jessica saw, and looked back at her older sister.  “Um, where?”

Jessica feigned a chuckle, acting stupid.  “At the dorm, silly.”  She faked a pout.  “I haven’t seen you in a while and the concert ended early—I just wanted to spend a little free time with you.”

Amber smiled.  “Go spend time with her; it’s good for you.”

Jessica saw Krystal try to keep a straight face after hearing Amber’s statement.  She observed them carefully—quickly noting anything out of the ordinary with them.  Krystal gulped and eyed the tomboy next to her for a brief moment.  Amber shrugged quickly and spoke with her eyes.  Jessica bit back a sigh.  They’re good at this, she thought, but I know there’s something up.

“Well, Il-Suk expects both Amber and I to go back together,” Krystal said.

“I’ll speak to him,” Jessica worded.  She began to grab her coat and her bag, which had her off-stage clothes.  “Besides,” she began.  “I wanna meet him.”

“I’ll go home with him, Krys,” Amber said.  She turned to Jessica.  “I’ll text him and let him know that she’s going home with you.”

Jessica gave out a small smile.  “Thanks, Amber.”

“You’re not gonna change?” Krystal asked, pointing to Jessica’s bag.

The latter shook her head.  “I’ll just give these clothes back to my stylist in a separate bag tomorrow.  It’s what we usually do, anyways.”

8:30PM

“You hungry?”

Krystal shook her head as she took a seat on Jessica’s bed.  She scooted herself back to lean against the wall and let her legs stretch out in front of her.  “Where did Sooyoung go?” the younger girl asked, watching her older sister take a seat next to her.

“She has to do a radio thing; some meeting for future broadcasts and stuff,” Jessica answered for her roommate.

Krystal nodded and hummed as a response, perking her lips out.  She leaned her head back and could feel Jessica shift to her left.  Jessica sat pretzel-style next to her little sister, her right side leaning on the wall.  She let her head rest on the right.  “You look tired,” said Jessica.

Krystal chuckled and turned to look at her.  “I do?” she asked.  “You’re the one who just finished a concert.”

Jessica smiled.  “I’m already used to this stuff.”

The latter shrugged.  “I never really get to sit down that often and when I do—it’s a life-changing experience,” she joked.

Jessica laughed and rolled her eyes.  She let the silence take over the two of them.  She could see Krystal relax—a sight she never saw quite often; seeing the girl in and out of schedules, that is.  She slightly smiled.  Krystal could feel eyes on her and she looked to her sister, seeing the smile.  Krystal couldn’t help but awkwardly laugh.  “Why are you smiling at me like that?”

“You look relaxed.”

Krystal blinked.  “You’re such a weirdo,” she said, continuing to laugh.

“It runs in the family,” Jessica said as she playfully hit her.

Krystal chuckled and shook her head.  “Well I guess it didn’t reach my side when mom and dad made me.”

The two laughed a little longer at the joke, cherishing that they weren’t fighting for once.  Arguments and fights between them were common right before Krystal’s debut.  Fortunately, though, neither of them held it against one another.  Now that they barely saw each other, every moment together was cherished.  The two settled back into a comfortable silence and this time, Jessica hesitated whether or not to spill what was running through her head.  But, as much as Jessica wanted to wait and not ask—she just simply couldn’t.

“How’s Aiden, Soojung?” Jessica questioned, placing a hand on Krystal’s thigh.

Krystal did a small double take on the question.  “Aiden?” she asked.  “Jess, he and I broke up almost a year ago.”

The older sister nodded slowly.  “I know, but.  I don’t know—he was your first boyfriend and all.”

The younger Jung shrugged.  “Well, I don’t know.  I haven’t spoken to him since.”

“How was it like?”

“How was what like?”

“Your first boyfriend.”

“You should know; you’ve had one before.”

A pause.  “Did he… pressure you or anything?”

Krystal scrunched her eyebrows and turned to look at her older sister.  “Pressure me?” she repeated.  “What is that supposed to mean?”

Jessica tilted her head to the side.  “Well—you know.”

Krystal’s eyes widened at the realization.  She shook her head vigorously.  “Oh, God, no.”  She scoffed.  “And even if he did—or at least try to do anything—I’m not even ready.”

Jessica nodded in approval.  “Okay, good.”  She cleared .  “You know that you can say no to anything, right?  It’s okay, too.  Certain things require consent.”

Krystal grimaced.  “Oh, God—are you seriously giving me the talk right now?”

Jessica scoffed.  “Well, would you rather hear it from mom?”

Krystal blinked; thinking about how it would have went in place of her mother.  She mentally shivered.  “Okay, no.”

The latter laughed.  “Exactly.”

“I’ve learned enough in Health class,” Krystal stated with a hand in the air for mild defense.  She laughed reliving the awkward classes.

“There are a lot more things you need to learn that aren’t in the books,” Jessica replied.

Krystal chuckled.  “Oh yeah?” she asked, “Like what?”

“ual orientation.”

Another pause.

Krystal tried her best to keep a poker face.  Jessica observed her younger sister—hoping to see any sort of slip in the expressions category.  “Really now,” she heard the younger Jung reply.

Jessica nodded.  “Yeah.  It actually hits teenagers around your age.”

Krystal swallowed a lump that formed in .  “What do you mean?”

The latter shrugged, continuing to observe the girl in front of her.  “Oh, nothing out of the ordinary, really,” she answered.  “Just that, as you begin to hit puberty—your hormones grow.  And with that, so does your attraction and feelings towards others.”

Krystal cleared of dry saliva.  “I see.”

“Have you been finding other people attractive?” Jessica asked.  “Other than Aiden?”

Yes.  “No, not really,” Krystal apathetically lied.  She forced a chuckle out, hoping it would trick her older sister.  “I don’t have the time anymore.”

“Oh, sweetie,” Krystal heard her say.  She turned her head.  “All idols date someone.”

“Huh?” Krystal asked.  She had hoped that the sweat she was beginning to feel didn’t seep down her face.  She could feel her limbs go numb—automatically thinking about Amber.  I haven’t seen Jessica since a month ago—there’s no way she’s seen me with Amber in that way.

“Yeah,” Jessica answered.  “It actually makes idols more excited to do it—you know, date someone secretly.”

Krystal chuckled again.  “Yeah, I figured that.”

“Even when there are slim chances that one of them might be gay.”

Another forced chuckle and another swallowing of a lump.  “Who’s gay?”

Jessica shrugged, knowing she was almost there.  “Who knows?  But it’s always a possibility.”  She paused.  “Even for Amber.”

.

Krystal scoffed.  “Oh come on now,” she feigned stupidity.  “Amber’s not gay.  Those are our fans speaking.”

“How do you know?” the older sister asked.  “Did you confirm it with her?”

Krystal blinked, opening and closing .  She now knew that she had to be careful of her word choice and strongly assumed that Jessica was trying to get somewhere with this; or more specifically with the topic of he and Amber.  She swallowed.  “No, but—”

“Ah, see?” Jessica interrupted.  “You can’t just assume for other people.”

“I know,” Krystal replied.  “Why are you bringing this up?”

Jessica hesitated for a moment.  She wanted to make sure her word choice didn’t come out rudely.  “I was just curious.”

“About?”

“You two.”

“Amber and I?”

“Mhm.”

Krystal’s mouth dropped.  “What for?”  , is it that obvious?

Jessica sighed.  “I just noticed something different—something different about how you look at her.  That’s all.”

Krystal scoffed, feeling sudden anger and fear creep into her.  “Well, she’s my best friend.  I don’t know what “look” you’re talking about.”  She shook her head.  “That’s—that’s just weird.”  She mentally slapped herself for basically degrading who she was and whom she was with.  The statement might not have meant much to others, but the meaning behind the words—that’s where she knew she was in trouble.  That wasn’t fair, she knew that; especially for Amber who wasn’t even there to neither witness nor hear the conversation occurring.

“So there’s nothing?” she heard Jessica ask.  “I’m just over-thinking things?”

“No, there’s nothing,” Krystal lied.  “So yes—you are over-thinking things.”

Jessica tilted her head in somewhat approval.  “Alright,” she let out.  “Even then,” she continued.  “It’s not really a lifestyle you want to live.”

Krystal couldn’t help but feel offended.  She furrowed her face together.  “Lifestyle?  What do you mean?”

Jessica caught it.  She played with it more.  “You know—being gay.”

Krystal inhaled sharply.  “And what’s wrong with that?”

The latter shook her head.  “Nothing,” she answered.  “Nothing at all.”  Jessica cleared .  “But having to be constantly teased, picked on—even threatened to death—that’s what I mean.”  She shrugged and crossed her arms.  “I just don’t really agree with that choice.”

“Wow,” Krystal gave out.  “Can you be any more y about it?”

Jessica caught the use of language.  “What’s wrong with you?”

Krystal rolled her eyes.  “Nothing.”  She sighed quickly.  “But what you said is just discriminating.  I know it’s not much but you and Leeteuk know Hong Seokcheon—even Jaejoong and Yunho know him.  I don’t hear them complaining about him.”

“I never said I was complaining about him or anyone for that particular manner,” Jessica replied directly.  “I’m just saying that, it’s not totally right.”

Krystal shook her head, fighting tears to well up in her eyes.  Jessica was talking about her.  She wasn’t sure if Jessica knew for sure—but even if she wasn’t subliminally calling Krystal out—it still hurt.  “What makes you think that it’s even a choice, Jess?” she asked.  “You think Hong Seokcheon just decided to wake up and be gay?  You think he wanted to go through all the harassment he went through?”  She scoffed.  “He’s your friend—I thought you would try to understand him.”

“Right now,” Jessica said.  “I don’t.”

Krystal shook her head and sighed.  She made her way to the covers of the bed and began to get in them.  “I’m tired.  Let’s not talk about this.  I can’t just change your opinion.”

“Why does it strongly matter to you?” Jessica asked curiously, also getting under the covers.

Krystal’s mouth dropped, stopping what she was doing.  “Seriously?”  She shook her head again.  “Because it’s so close to bullying.  We all know better than that.”  Jessica bit her tongue to avoid saying anything else that might anger the younger girl—she could sense that if it kept going, they would fight; that was the last thing both of them wanted to do.  Jessica gave a hand up in mid-air as a truce sign and just nodded.

As they settled into bed, both girls set their alarms to wake up the next day for their individual early schedule.  Through the midst of it all, Krystal quickly texted Amber.

We need to talk.

Almost immediately after sending it, Krystal saw her phone blink.  “Good night,” she heard Jessica say as she turned to lie on her side.  “Good night,” Krystal replied back, doing the same, the sisters now back to back.

You ok? What happened?

Krystal bit her lip seeing the text received by Amber.  She bit back a sigh.

I think Jess has an idea.

Idea? What idea?

About us, Amber.

There was a pause in between their conversations and she knew her girlfriend well.  Amber was hesitating on what to say and she could feel her nervousness through the phone alone, even if the tomboy was a few miles away from her.

Can I call you?

A pause.

Hold on. Let me leave the

room. Jess is right next

to me. I’ll call you.

Krystal took a glance at her older sister and saw her fast asleep, her breathing at a normal pattern.  She was thankful for moments like these that Jessica was a deep sleeper because when she left the bed, the girl didn’t budge or twitch at the movement.  She made her way out of the room and stepped outside, moving forward to grab her coat.  She exited the apartment door and left the lock of the door out, giving her access to enter back into the dorm when she was done.  She sat up against a wall next to the door, inhaled sharply, and dialed Amber.  The latter picked up halfway into the ring.

“Krys?”

“Yeah,” Krystal answered.

“Okay,” she heard Amber say. “How are you so sure she might have an idea?”

“Well, first of all,” Krystal began, “She gave me the talk.”

“The talk?”

“About , Amber.  .”  Krystal could hear Amber groan out of embarrassment for her over the phone.  “Exactly,” she replied.

“Okay, so then?”

“It was short, but still.  Then she started talking about ual orientation and started asking me if I was attracted to anyone and—”

“What did you say?”

Krystal blinked.  “I said she started asking if—”

“No,” Amber said.  “I mean, what did you answer when she asked if you were attracted to anyone.”

“I said no.”

“Seriously?”

Krystal scoffed.  “Well what was I supposed to say?  Yes?”

“Um… yeah?”

“Babe.”

“What?” Amber asked.  “So what, you just lied?”

Krystal could feel a headache creep into her.  “Yes, I lied.”

She heard Amber pause for a moment on the phone.  “Why did you lie, Krys?”

“What do you mean why?” Krystal asked as she flailed her free hand in the air out of frustration.  “I had to—I have to.”

“She’s your sister,” Amber asserted.  “Don’t you think she would be someone you’d want to come out to?”

“Amber,” Krystal breathed.  “I’m not ready.”

Silence.

Krystal sighed to herself, knowing she had hurt her girlfriend was never a cool thing to grasp on.  She could feel her heart ache.  She knew Amber was already out of the closet and she couldn’t even begin to imagine how it was like to be thrown back in.

“I’m sorry,” Krystal sullenly said.

A sigh was heard through the phone.  “It’s not your fault.  I’ve been in your shoes before.”

“We just need to be more careful, that’s all,” Krystal suggested.  It was easier said than done.

“You know I’m not all for this.”

“I know,” the younger girl replied.  “For now, at least.  Just so the heat could cool down on us.  Let’s just cool it, okay?”

After a moment of silence, Krystal could hear Amber exhale and she could feel the anger and hurt pouring through the phone from Amber’s end to Krystal’s.

“Fine.”