2010 . 04 . 30 – 5:31PM

A figure sipped her bottled water as she sat back into her chair.  Victoria breathed slowly, squinting her eyes lightly as she peeped to the left side of Luna’s head.  She crossed her legs and slowly exhaled, letting her thoughts run through her.  She watched Amber and Krystal from a distance messing around—bickering and play-fighting with each other while f(x) and the rest of the staff members were called for a short break to start cleaning up before leaving.  Victoria made sure not to be too obvious with the contiguous staring and would revert her attention to Luna and Sulli’s playful antics with a basketball, feigning laughs coming from the older team leader.

She straightened herself out as she saw Amber and Krystal calm down from their fighting and began to walk to the rest of the band.  Victoria decided to play around with her observation a little.

“Jeez,” Victoria said with a fake half-laugh.  “You guys can’t keep your hands off of each other.”

Amber coughed uncomfortably at the statement as her and Krystal took a seat next to Sulli.  Krystal folded her legs and forced a chuckle out.  “What do you mean by that?” the youngest girl asked.

Victoria shrugged.  “Nothing,” she answered, “Just something I noticed.”

“We were only playing around, Vic,” Amber replied.  She shook her head and laughed.  “Sheesh, why do you look so serious?”

“Yeah,” Sulli agreed to the question with a raise in the eyebrow.  “All of us are like that.”

Victoria could feel a cold sweat form seeing the stares of her younger label mates.  Maybe she was overreacting.

“That may be true.”

The girls averted their attention to the sudden voice, seeing their manager take a seat next to Luna.  He put his elbow to his knee, his head into his hand for support—a sly smile creeping into his face.  Amber could feel a lump form in .

“But you don’t see two American’s being that affectionate with each other,” Il-Suk reasoned.  He eyed the two members.  Krystal furrowed her eyebrows together and looked away.  After a two-second awkward silence, she found the courage to look back at her manager.

“I grew up in Korea,” Krystal asserted with an annoyed tone.  She clenched her teeth, remembering the random few times her manager had a smart mouth and always said something out of the ordinary whenever it came to her and Amber.  “Skinship is nothing to me; it’s normal.”  Krystal mentally kicked herself in the face—catching herself use the term “normal” very loosely.

“Mmm,” Il-Suk said with an unsatisfied smile.  He nodded his head in mockery.  He took a sip from his coffee cup.  “Amber didn’t grow up in Korea, though.”

“I adapted to the environment here,” Amber answered quickly.  “It was weird at first—seeing everyone all huggy-feely, yeah, but it’s nothing.”  She could feel her anger boil.  “Why does it matter so much?” she asked.

Luna nodded, also feeling annoyance enter her body.  “Yeah, what’s the big deal?  At least we all get along; it would be a bigger problem if we didn’t.”

“Yeah,” Sulli added.  “You’re acting weird—they’re best friends; just like we all are.”

Il-Suk laughed to cover his tracks as Victoria continued to observe her surroundings with the issue.  He had his hands up in a mockery of defense.  “Nothing, kids, relax,” he said with a smile.  He shrugged.  “I’m just saying—when I worked with Americans for two years, my battle buddies weren’t very affectionate unless it was with their actual partner.”

“Battle buddies?” Amber questioned.

“Yeah,” Il-Suk replied.  “We use that term as another way to refer to someone as a “friend,” or “comrade,” but in combat: battle buddy.”

Krystal shook her head and crossed her arms.  Victoria and Il-Suk noticed her body language.  She seems guarded, Victoria thought.  “The difference in that is that you were around military Americans—not teenagers.”

Il-Suk chuckled and shook his head.  “A lot of them are actually Amber’s age, Soojung—no excuses.” 

Krystal swallowed in defeat.  Before it could possibly get any worse, she saw Il-Suk get up from his place and stretch.  He finished his coffee and cleared his throat.  “Hey, calm down, kids—I was just talking; nothing crazy.”  He chuckled aggressively.  “Start getting ready and start cleaning up.  I’m gonna get you guys home.”

As he began to walk away, Krystal got up from her seat, her arms still crossed.  She could feel herself fill up with a bounty amount of bravery.  “I’m sleeping over at the dorm tonight,” she announced.

Il-Suk lightly scoffed and blinked his eyes, his back still to the group.  He could feel the aura beaming off of Krystal.  He knew there was something up between the two Americans.  “Amber’s not sleeping over this time?” he replied with a negative tone, slightly turning his head to gain plain view of Krystal.

Amber clenched her teeth.  He has to know.

“Hey,” Luna called.  “She sleeps over the dorm too, you know that.”

Il-Suk chuckled once again.  “Right, right,” he answered.  He walked away after the reply and began to talk to the other managers, also starting to help clean up the area.

Victoria also followed and got up, quickly brushing away her endless track of thoughts.  “Well, come on.  The quicker we finish, the quicker we’re out of here—the more free time we have,” she said as she gestured to her girls.  The girls nodded and followed suit.

“You know I’m staying with my sister tonight, right?” Luna asked.  Amber and Krystal locked eyes for a brief moment at hearing the question.

Victoria nodded.  “Isn’t she picking you up?”

“Yeah,” Luna answered.  “She’s probably waiting outside already.  Il-Suk and the others know.”  Victoria nodded again and began to start helping the others.

Amber began to clean up their little area as Victoria, Luna and Sulli began to spread to other parts of the room.  She felt a pull on her left arm, as she was hunched over the little coffee table that had paper plates and plastic cups.  She turned her head and found her girlfriend looking down at her.  She straightened herself out.

“What?”

“We need to talk later,” Krystal said in English.

Amber took a quick glance at Il-Suk who was pre-occupied in cleaning up with the rest of their managers.  She nodded uncomfortably.  “I know,” she answered in the same tongue.  Krystal held Amber’s stare a little longer before breaking it and going off to follow the others in helping clean up the set.  Shortly afterwards, Luna came back to their area and grabbed her bag and light jacket.

“Leaving already?” Amber asked.

Luna chuckled.  “Il-Suk said I could leave since my sister texted him asking if everything was done.”

Amber hummed a response and bid her farewell to her member.  “Room is yours,” she heard Luna say quickly.  She blinked.  She turned around to face her member but was met with emptiness as she saw Luna jet to the door. 

What did she mean by that?

9:45PM

“Never thought I’d be getting to bed before 10pm.”

Amber laughed at the breathless statement as she watched her girlfriend hit the bed, her hair all over her face.  Luna had left to stay with her sister; Sulli and Victoria leaving to other schedules.  “I know what you mean,” she answered with agreement as she closed the door behind her.

“Did you lock the door?” Krystal asked as she sat up.  She cleared her hair away, tying it into a messy bun.

Amber stopped in her place after taking a few steps forward at the question.  “No…” she replied.  “Why would I?”

Krystal put on a teasing smirk.  “You really wanna ask that?”

Amber gave her girlfriend a look, causing the latter to laugh.  She lied down.  “I’m just kidding, Am.”

Amber locked the door, anyways.  “Are you?” she asked as she took her place next to Krystal in her own bed.

Krystal turned to face Amber and planted a kiss on her lips.  After breaking it, she smiled.  “Not really.”

Amber laughed.  “Yeah, exactly.”

Without any more words, Krystal nudged her head into Amber’s arm.  Amber knew very well what the younger girl wanted and threw her arm around Krystal, the latter quickly cuddling into the nook of Amber’s neck and shoulders.  She inhaled deeply, exhaling afterwards.  Amber chuckled at the feeling.  “That tickles,” she said lowly.

“I don’t care,” Krystal said into her neck.  She adjusted her head to give herself some air.  She reached for Amber’s hand on her stomach and started to play with her fingers.  “We need to talk.”

“I know,” Amber responded.  She kissed the top of Krystal’s head, the other hand now playing with her girlfriend’s hair.

Krystal sat up slowly, letting her weight lay on her arm straight out as a leg on the bed.  “Do you think Il-Suk knows?” she asked.

Amber sighed quickly.  “He has to know,” she responded.  “I mean—why else would he make those sly comments?”

Krystal thought for a moment.  “But…” she started.  “How?”

“How what?” Amber asked.  She sat up.  “Babe, we can hide it pretty well, but he has some advantages—he’s the only one that was surrounded by Americans for a good amount of time as compared to Victoria, Luna, Sulli and the rest of the managers.”

“Are we that obvious?”

Amber couldn’t help but chuckle.  “Apparently so.”  She added a shrug.  “But he can’t do anything—he knows it, too.”

Krystal furrowed her eyebrows.  “What do you mean?”

“His role is to make sure we’re where we need to be and that we’re safe,” Amber answered.  “Yeah, some people will get suspicious but if you think about it—the company cares more about the image so even if he was to say something, they would brush him off and just ignore it.”  She lied back down.  “It would be different if he had proof, but he doesn’t.”

“And you’re so confident about that because…?”

“He would have done something already by now,” Amber explained with a small smile.

“And he hasn’t,” Krystal added on.

Amber’s smile grew a little.  “Exactly.”

Krystal lied back down, scooting away from the tomboy to create some space in between them.  She lied down on her side, causing Amber to turn to face her.  Krystal reached over to push away Amber’s bangs and pouted.  “I’m not really digging this new haircut,” she said lowly.

Amber laughed.  “Mushrooms aren’t cute?”

“They’re not,” Krystal replied.  “But I guess you make an exception.”

Amber perked her lips.  “I’m always cute.”

Krystal playfully glared at her girlfriend.  “Don’t get too carried away now.”

Amber half laughed and continued to keep their eye contact connected.  These were the moments she enjoyed and cherished the most.  Amber never got them often with her girlfriend, being idols and all.  It was hard in the beginning, but she soon realized that it was getting easier—easier to cope with being a secret from the world.  It was getting easier to sneak a few glances here and there, or even a touch in the arm, leg, back, shoulder—anything really to make them feel somewhat closer.  They craved each other’s touch—each other’s skin.

“Can I ask you something?” Krystal questioned as she broke the small silence between them.  Amber hummed a response and began to caress her partner’s face.

“When did you first realize you had feelings for me?”

Amber chuckled.  “To be honest, I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?” Krystal asked.

Amber nodded.  “As in, I can’t really pin point when it really, really hit me.”  She inhaled sharply.  “I guess the thing is with that is—I kind of always knew.  The question is when I actually started to accept it.”

“So when?” the latter asked.

“When I found myself feeding off the fans.”

“What do you mean?”

“I would see what fans posted about us,” Amber responded.  “I played along with their comments as a joke at first; writing “KryBer” in forum chat rooms on aff(x)tion to even answering about you and I on UFO questions.”

“Mmm,” Krystal said.  “I’ve seen some of those.”

“You fed to them, too,” Amber said slyly.

Krystal laughed.  “You’re right, I did—I never realized it.”

Amber shrugged.  “I don’t know,” she repeated.  “The more I denied it, the stronger it became.  I couldn’t take it at one point and eventually, I had to vent to Jay and them about it.”

“What did they say?” Krystal asked.

“What do you think?” Amber replied with a chuckle.  “They’ve always been thumbs up at us; for all we know, they’re the hardcore “KryBer” fans from the very beginning.”

Krystal smiled.  “Yeah, I can imagine.”  She looked down to play with Amber’s necklace, noticing that her ring was in the chain.  Both Amber and her agreed that if they couldn’t wear the rings on their fingers, they would wear it in a chain.  People barely questioned rings, but nobody questioned necklaces, especially if they were hidden.  “I had to vent to Silvia, too.”

“Wait, Silvia?” Amber asked with confusion.  The latter nodded.  “What did she say?”

“That she always had a feeling,” Krystal said.  “That it was okay; that she wouldn’t let me miss an opportunity to—” Krystal paused, shortly reliving what her best friend had said to her.  She could feel her heartbeat quicken.

“To what?”

A swallow.

“To fall in love.”

Amber’s mouth fell slightly agape.  She, too, could feel her heartbeat quicken.  “Well…” she started.  “Did you?”  She swallowed a lump in out of anticipation.

“I…” a pause.  “I-I don’t know.  I think so.”

“What makes you think so?” Amber asked carefully.

“Well, it started with this interview we had while we were promoting “Chu~”.  You were talking—it was small, but I just couldn’t help but stare at you.  I really did think it was nothing at first, you know, feeling my heart beat so quickly and everything in me relax just seeing you talk about yourself, your time in f(x)—anything.”  Krystal added a small laugh.  “I later saw the video of the interview on YouTube and I realized it more.  There was absolutely no way you can stare at someone like that and not say you don’t have feelings for someone.  And with the reality of it all, I think that because—” she paused.  “Because a big part of me wants to give it to you…”

Amber blinked.  She knew what Krystal was talking about.  She could feel saliva accumulate in and she had to swallow several times before speaking.  Amber was wrong all along.  Krystal never gave her ity to Aiden.  She could feel her heart pick up even faster thinking about how it would really be to have with Krystal—let alone, make love with the girl.  “Really?” was all that came out.

“Yeah…” Krystal answered lowly.  “I don’t know—I just can’t explain it but—I-I-I trust you.”  A pause.  “I love you.”  A sigh escaped .  “At the same time, I feel like it’s a little too fast to fall in love, but with all of the things we go through just to be together—I think we’re entitled.”

“I don’t blame you,” Amber responded, her volume lowering.  “I don’t know—I think I did, too.”

“Really?” Krystal asked, excitement creeping into her.

“Yeah,” Amber said, seeing the girl’s face light up.

“What makes you think so?”

“Because for once—you’re the only girl I’ve ever gotten with and didn’t try to get into your pants.”

Krystal blinked.  She didn’t even want to begin thinking about Amber’s past two exes.  She saw the tomboy sit up and turn her body slightly to still face her.  “I wanna wait,” Amber said.  “I wanna wait for you.  Even though you just kind of told me that you’re ready.”

Krystal followed suit and sat up, as well.  “Am…”

“I mean it,” Amber replied.  She gently held Krystal’s face.  “I want your first ual experience to mean something.”  She smiled.  “No rush.”

“It will,” Krystal reassured.  She bit her lip.  “Because it’s with you.”

Amber could feel her heart in her ears and her face blush.  She saw Krystal leaned into her and they both fell into the kiss, a small moan escaping Krystal’s mouth.  Krystal wrapped her arms around Amber’s neck, gently tugging at the tomboy’s hair.  She pulled Amber on top of her—Amber feeling her insides heat up.  She stopped abruptly and could see that the both of them were out of breath.

“Really,” Amber said.  “I want to wait.”

Krystal gave out a gentle smile.  “Okay, sweetie.”

Amber’s face slightly fell in defeat.  “I-I’m sorry, Krys.”

Krystal stared back at her girlfriend.  She held her face in both of her hands.  “Babe, it’s fine.” She added a chuckle.  “Ugh, you’re so cute.”

Amber furrowed her eyebrows and plopped onto her back.  “How?” she asked with a laugh.

“Because,” Krystal reasoned, “You’re so like—I don’t know, worried.  It’s cute.  That’s all.”  She turned her body to face her girlfriend, capturing the tomboy’s eyes.

“I love you, Amber.”

Amber followed suit.  “I love you, too, Krystal.”

“I want to tell people, you know?” Krystal asked as she scooted over to get in her girlfriend’s arms.

“I know,” Amber said.  “I do, too.”

“Who would you want to come out to first?” the latter asked.  “I was thinking of Luna.”

Amber chuckled.  “You, too, huh?”  She planted a small kiss on Krystal’s head.  “Speaking of which, she said something to me that made me think she might know actually.”

“What?” Krystal asked, looking up at Amber.

“Room is yours,” Amber responded.

Krystal thought for a moment.  “Well, she was the first one you really came out to.”

“Yeah, exactly,” Amber added.  “I don’t know.  I don’t want to think too ahead with it, you know what I mean?”

Amber could feel the younger girl nod against her body.  “We can’t hide forever,” Krystal said.  “I know that.  Right now, it’s just hard.  I still get jumpy talking about it alone with you—imagine how I feel when the thought sparks with other people.”

“Believe me,” Amber answered.  “I’ve noticed.”

Krystal got up to rest on her elbow.  “I do want people to know, Am.  Just not yet.  Not at this moment.  Not right now.”

Amber nodded, looking away from the girl.  Krystal knew that this topic was always sensitive for her girlfriend and Amber couldn’t agree any less with it.  It was hard on them.  If the secret blew out, it was over for not just them but for the rest of f(x), as well.  There would be supporters, yes, but there would definitely be a lot of hate.

“We’ll figure it out,” Amber said with a smile.  She made eye contact with the younger girl.

“Yeah,” Krystal agreed, also placing a gentle smile on her face.  She leaned into Amber and planted a small and soft kiss.

“I know we will.”