2010 . 06 . 18 – 12:58AM

“Oh my god, we really should not be doing this.”

Amber scoffed with a small laugh as she put on her black Nikes and straightened her black Adidas hoodie out.  She shook her head at the frantic girl next to her.

“Oh come on,” she whispered back.  “Live a little.  We never get the opportunity to do this.”

Krystal exhaled nervously.  “Yeah, but—”

“Babe,” Amber interrupted.  She took a step forward and placed her hands on her girlfriend’s shoulders.  “Relax.  Sheesh, you’re gonna make me nervous by just seeing you nervous.”

“This isn’t even allowed,” Krystal whimpered as she sullenly put on her shoes in defeat.

“Trust me, there are technically no rules to this.”

Krystal stood straight immediately.  “What do you mean?” she asked.  She blinked.  “Wait, how do you even know?”

“Because I’ve done it before.”

“And you never got caught?”

Amber chuckled as she opened the front door of her dorm and allowed Krystal to exit first.  She shut the door behind her quietly and locked it.  They headed towards the elevator.  “Yup,” Amber confirmed.

Krystal’s mouth dropped.  “How often do you sneak out of the dorm and NOT get caught?!”

Amber laughed.  “A lot.”  She added a shrug.  “Honestly, I don’t even do anything bad.  I just take a ride down Han River for fresh air.”

Krystal scoffed as they entered the elevator.  Amber pushed the main floor and they watched the doors close, feeling their bodies proceed down the building in the little space.  “We barely have time to sleep and you find time to skateboard down the Han River?”  She shook her head.  “I can’t deal with you,” she said with a small and exhausted laugh.

Amber smiled.  “When I said “a lot,” I meant during our trainee days.”  She perked her lips as the doors opened up.  They stepped out and exited through the main gate.  They brought their hats lower and put their hoods on.

“You’re lucky,” Krystal said, now switching topics.  “All you need to do is wear a hat and it covers your hair.”  She pointed to herself.  “But me?  I have to tie my hair in a low bun, put a hat on AND put my hood on,” she explained in grimace.  She linked arms with Amber as they both put their hands in their sweater pockets.  They slightly put their head down as they passed by a civilian walking his dog.

“And who the hell walks their dog at 1AM?” Krystal asked sarcastically.

Amber laughed.  “Sheesh, calm down—he might’ve heard you.”

“I doubt he understands English, babe,” Krystal reassured as she rolled her eye.

“Hey now,” Amber called.  “Don’t doubt people—that’s rude.”

Krystal playfully pushed Amber’s head as a response, causing the both of them to laugh.  “And for the record,” Amber added.  “No one told you to dye your ends neon orange.”

“Shut up,” Krystal said with a pout as they continued to walk down the neighborhood.  “A concept is a concept, you know that.”

Amber nodded.  “Yeah, I know.  I can’t wait to grow this stupid haircut out.”

“You and me both,” Krystal agreed.  “The uneven ends in my hair are killing me.”

The two continued to walk in a comfortable silence—a silence they never got often, nonetheless at night outside of the Jung residence, the company building and even the f(x) dorm.  Krystal continued to scan her surroundings as they neared the Han River, passing by moving cars and pedestrians on the street and in the local stores.

“I can’t believe people are still out at this time,” Krystal voiced out.

“It’s only 1AM, Krys,” Amber answered.

“But still—that’s still kind of late.”

The tomboy nodded.  “Okay, true, but we’re also in the capital.  Seoul pretty much never sleeps.”

The latter nodded in return.  “Yeah, you’ve got a point.”  She sighed as they reached the Han River, the both of them breaking away from each other slightly as they leaned on a railing to view the mass of water.  Krystal took it in; hearing the fading sounds of cars passing by, seeing the bright lights from the city’s buildings reflect off the body of water as it danced in correspondence of the night sky that lightly twinkled with its stars.

“I’m nervous,” she admitted.

Amber hugged her from behind seeing Krystal cross her arms, allowing her elbows to lean onto the railing.  Krystal instantly felt the warmth behind her and lightly knocked her head to the right, touching Amber’s face as the tomboy placed her chin on Krystal’s shoulder.

“About what?” Amber asked.

“People seeing us.”

“Doesn’t seem that way since I’m holding you right now and you’re not moving,” the tomboy retaliated with a small laugh.  She kissed Krystal’s cheek.

“Well that’s because I don’t wanna move,” Krystal replied with a smile she couldn’t resist stopping.  She exhaled through and looked out into the body of water, watching a yacht pass by.  “I just wish we didn’t have to hide all the time, you know?”

Krystal felt Amber nod against her shoulder.  No matter how many times the both of them repeated it, one would assume that hearing the same complaint so constantly would get annoying, but it wasn’t.  It wasn’t annoying because it was true—the sad truth behind everything was that they couldn’t do anything about it—at all.  Their careers just started, they didn’t even reach one year of a full debut and to come out of the closet would be a disaster.  They were frightened at how much hate and death threats they could possibly receive not only from the country, but even the rest of the world as K-Pop idols.

“I’m here,” Amber reassured as she hugged Krystal tighter.  “I’m here with you.”

“I know,” Krystal replied lowly.  “Thank you.”  She turned her head, slightly getting out of Amber’s hold and caressed her girlfriend’s face.  “I just wish I could see your face, too,” she muttered with a small laugh.

Amber chuckled and took off her hood, taking off her fitted LA hat and put it back on backwards.  The lights of the city beaming off the water reflected back onto her face lightly.  “Better?” she asked with a smile.

Krystal smiled and also took off her hood, slightly revealing her hair that was tucked to the side in a small and loose bun.  She tipped her baseball cap upwards slightly and looked into Amber’s eyes.

“Much better,” Krystal replied and locked their silence with a passionate kiss.

8:10PM

“Hey, be careful with that leg.”

Amber turned to her left and saw Luna look at her with concern.  She smiled.  “Trust me, I’m fine.”

Luna grimaced at the lie.  “Judging by that limp, you’re not.”

Amber looked down at her leg as she got into the van.  She noticed that Krystal was also getting worried as Victoria and Sulli followed in after her.  “You have been limping a lot lately—at least, after a performance,” Krystal pointed out.

“Last night I was fine,” Amber said without a worry.  She caught eyes with Krystal who widened her eyes slightly from the slip up.  Before Amber could cover it up, someone beat her to it.

“Last night?” Sulli asked.

Krystal’s heart alarmed.  “Yeah,” she breathed.  “Remember?  On our way home?”

“Oh!” Sulli called out.  Amber could feel the God’s lift her shoulders and she saw Krystal exhale her heart slowly through her nose from the nerves.  “Yeah, after the performance right?” the oblivious one asked.  She nodded.  “It was weird at first, but after a few hours it was okay.”

Luna shrugged.  “That’s not normal, though.”  She sat back in her seat.  “Yeah I’ll be tired, but I won’t be limping.”

“We talking about Amber’s foot?” Victoria chimed in from the front.

“Yeah,” they all said in unison.

“We should ask Il-Suk to take you to a doctor,” the team leader suggested.

“Guys, seriously,” Amber said as she sat back in her seat and stretched her legs out.  She lightly winced at her left foot hitting the front passenger seat in the wrong angle.  She did her best to cover it up and let it stay still, enduring the sharp pain.  “I’m fine.  I’ll just stretch it out.”

“Here, hyung,” Sulli called out and got up from the back.  “Switch seats with me.”

Amber looked and locked eyes with Sulli then with Krystal who was sitting behind Luna’s seat and quickly broke it after seeing Il-Suk approach the van.  “Really, Sulli,” she pleaded, hoping that Il-Suk wouldn’t say anything irrelevant to the attempt of seat change.  “I’m fine, I already got comfortable.”

“You look nowhere near comfortable,” Luna asserted.

“Yeah, just get to the back, what’s the big deal?” Victoria asked.

“Yeah, hyung, Soojung isn’t going to bite you,” Sulli said with a laugh as she playfully slapped Amber’s arm to get up.

“We’re about to leave,” Il-Suk announced as he got inside the van.  He stared at Sulli confused.  “Why are you still standing?”

Amber forced herself up and Il-Suk eyed the tomboy.  “I’m switching seats with Sulli.”  She and Sulli maneuvered around each other in the small van, Amber practically dragging her almost-crippled limb—Sulli making sure she didn’t touch it at all as they switched seats.  Amber plopped onto the farthest seat away from Krystal from the back and immediately relaxed.  Luna, Sulli and Victoria continued to look at her friend.

“Um,” she began.

“What?” Amber asked.

“Seriously?” Sulli exclaimed.  “Yah!  The whole point of switching seats was for you to stretch your legs, which means,” she gently—yet roughly—lifted Amber’s legs up to the best of her ability, “let them rest on Soojung’s lap.”  Luna helped Sulli with the lift and with the lack of power in the tomboy, she just gave in and let it rest on her girlfriend’s lap.

Il-Suk stared at f(x), his insides turning along with his thought process running.  He scrunched his eyebrows together.  “And why did you two have to switch seats?” the question came out with more attitude than he intended.

Krystal could feel a vein pop.  “She’s limping and she needs to stretch her legs.”

“And you couldn’t switch with Sulli because…?” he asked slightly more aggressively.

“What is with you?” Victoria stammered in before Krystal could answer.  “We’re tired and we have been sitting here longer than we need to be,” she asserted.  “You’re new, I get it, but me, Luna and Sulli still have places to be.  Soojung is staying at our dorm to help take care of Amber.”

“That’s really not necessary,” Amber called from the back.

“Shut up,” Victoria ordered in Chinese.

“Well, alright,” Amber muttered to herself in English and despite all the weird tension, Krystal found herself laughing at the tomboy’s reaction.

“What’s so funny?” Amber asked in English, yet again.

“You,” Krystal answered in the same tongue.

Still laughing, Krystal softly rubbed Amber’s legs, hoping the little ease would relieve some of the pain.  Amber felt herself immediately relax seeing the precious smile she’s come to love on her girlfriend’s face and just shook her head with a chuckle.

Il-Suk caught it and clenched his teeth.  “Alright, so I’ll drop the ones with schedules first then Amber and Krystal last.  Sound good?” he asked.

Amber swallowed and bit the inside of to make sure she didn’t yell, “No, just take Krystal and I home!” or else it would have looked very awkward.  Nonetheless, the three gave their approvals in unison, Krystal almost reading Amber’s mind as they caught eye contact.

“Amber?  Krystal?”  Il-Suk called and looked through the rear-view mirror.  They looked back at him in silence, only seeing his eyes crinkle in the mirror.  They could tell he had a sarcastic smile and it only built their annoyance and anger even more.  “Did you hear me?” he asked.

“Yes,” they both answered sternly.

Il-Suk clenched his teeth and turned the engine on, putting the van immediately in drive as he scoffed briefly through his nose.  ing disgusting, he thought to himself.

8:55PM

The van came to a halt in front of f(x)’s dorm.  Il-Suk shut the engine off and got out of the car immediately.  He opened the back door to allow the two members left in the van access to get out without worsening the injury of Amber’s ankle.

“I can get her up to the dorm,” Krystal said as both her and Amber got out slowly.  She over-estimated her strength to carry her girlfriend with her arm over her shoulders and Amber almost fell onto the pavement, stumbling out of the van.

“Yeah, not like this you’re not,” Il-Suk said as he shook his head.

“I can manage on my own,” Amber said as she attempted to adjust herself.

“Listen, just stop being stubborn—the two of you, will you?” Il-Suk exclaimed out of frustration.  He put Amber’s free arm around his shoulders and helped Krystal enter the building and into the elevators.  He used a free hand to close the van automatically and lock it.  The other two didn’t protest and just went along in silence, wishing the stressful time of being with their forsaken manager could end quickly.

When they reached the door, Krystal took out the dorm keys out of her sweater pocket and fiddled around to open it.  She exhaled as she progressed through the keys, both Amber and herself forgetting which key it was to begin with.  “Damn it,” Krystal said in English.  “I swear, if this piece of sh*t of a guy comes in babe, I’ll lose it.”

Il-Suk’s ears perked.  Amber sullenly rolled her eyes out of exhaustion, not noticing Il-Suk’s mood change.  “Babe, relax, I love you but you get so moody easily.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Krystal recanted back as she finally opened the door.

Il-Suk clenched his teeth as he watched Krystal enter in first and guided Amber in from his arms.  How dare they…

Without hesitation, Il-Suk’s mind broke.  As if on cue, once Amber entered both of her feet inside the apartment, Il-Suk roughly shoved the tomboy onto the younger girl, the both of them screaming from the action and collapsing on top of each other half way into the kitchen/living room.  He clenched his teeth even harder as he stepped inside the apartment followed by closing the door behind him.

“Are you okay?” Amber asked painfully, one hand holding her leg with the injured ankle from the fall.

“Am I okay?” Krystal questioned back with a high-pitched tone.  “You’re the one who hurt their ankle even more and you’re asking if I’m okay?!  This psycho just pushed us!”

“You must think I’m ing retarded,” Il-Suk declared in English aggressively.

Amber’s mouth fell agape as Krystal’s eyes widened at the familiar words.  Il-Suk had a noticeable accent but every enunciation in every syllable was correct.  Their manager knew English.

“I ing knew it,” he let out, taking a step forward.  Krystal swallowed and slid back slightly.  She could hear her heart in her ears.  Not only was she caught and practically outed, but she didn’t feel safe.

Amber did her best to get up, grimacing at the pain shooting from her ankle up to her waist on one leg.  She leaned on the stable one to relieve some of the pain.  She stuck her hand out, hoping to show off some defense for both her and her girlfriend.

“Two ing dykes—”

“That is NONE of your business,” Amber interrupted angrily.  “Shut up.”

“It is now,” Il-Suk said as he took another step forward.  He scoffed.  “You think, that just because I grew up here, I didn’t bother to do well in English class?  Did you honestly think that spending two years in the Army with Americans, I wouldn’t have to speak at least ONE word of English?!”

Krystal didn’t recognize her manager anymore.  She slowly got up as she observed the older man in front of her.  Yeah he always teased them and she knew that he was always insinuating that there was something more between the two of them, but as she observed her manager more—the look in his eyes were different.  It was a look she didn’t recognized.  It was as if she could barely see the humanity in him.  His veins were showing in his neck and his jawline sharpened.  His eyes—his eyes are what gave him away even more to the girl.  It was a little dark in the room, but she could still slightly tell the difference between a pupil and an eye color.  Il-Suk’s case?  All she could see was black.  She hated giving the benefit of the doubt to someone, but for Il-Suk, she had to.  There is no way he’s stable right now, she thought.  And then it pinched her.  Is that what people with PTSD have?

Krystal took a step forward.  “Please,” she gently pleaded.  “We can explain.”

“It’s none of his business, Krys,” Amber repeated.

“You are so disgusting,” he said almost silently as he continued to glare Amber down.  “All of you gay people are useless—you’re the ones who go in war.”

“Excuse me?” Krystal asked offended.  “What the is that supposed to mean?”

He shot her a look.  “All of you die first on the front line because all you care about is sticking it up my .”

Krystal’s face dropped.  There was more meaning behind it and she glanced at Amber who thought the same.  “Il-Suk…” Krystal called out slowly.

“Shut up!” he yelled.  “That f*g jumped me from behind with two others!  If I would’ve had my weapon, I—”

“What?” Amber interrupted.  “Killed him?”

Il-Suk clenched his teeth.  “I would’ve done more than that.”

Amber sighed briefly.  “Just because you were , doesn’t mean that they’re gay, Il-Suk, it’s not your fault—”

“SHUT UP, YOU DYKE!” Il-Suk screamed and lifted Amber by her bad leg and threw her to the ground.

Krystal screamed out of terror and covered as Amber hit the ground with a scorching squeal of pain escaping .  Amber could feel tears roll down her face from the excruciating pain and knew that whatever injury she had on her ankle was now a hundred times more worse.

Il-Suk froze at the scene, his breath halted at what was in front of his eyes.  He felt a cold sweat trickle down the side of his head as he saw Krystal run to Amber’s side.

“WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!” Krystal cried out.  “You have NO idea what we go through!  What gives you the right—”

“Enough,” Il-Suk breathed.  He felt his whole body shake—a familiar feeling he knew all too well.  From being in combat, to the unfortunate he had on base, to losing his girlfriend after enlistment—to what was now in front of him.  He glanced at Krystal, locking eyes with her.  He scoffed.  “Now I figured out why you make me feel some type of way.”

“What the ?” Krystal asked.  “What are you talking about now?”

“You look like my ex.”

“Oh save me the ing tears!” Krystal yelled.  “Do you have any idea what you just did?!”

Il-Suk knew Krystal had a point.  He was going to lose his job if anyone from the company found out what happened and he couldn’t bear to go back to the Army nor be alone to find another job.  He pointed at Amber, who was now calmed down from the pain as she breathed through it.

“You leave.”

“Leave?” Amber asked.  “What do you mean, I leave?”

“There’s no way you’ll be dancing with that,” Il-Suk explained with a gesture towards the ankle.

Amber clenched her teeth in silence.  “And what do we get in return?” she let out.

Krystal lashed her head to the one injured.  “Are you seriously negotiating with him right now?”

“No one knows about you two.”

Krystal’s ears perked and she turned to face her manager.  “I won’t tell anyone,” he confirmed.  “About you two being together; you two individually being dykes.”

“And if we don’t?” Krystal retaliated with courage.

Il-Suk fished his phone out of his pocket.  “Then I guess the media will hear about this,” he implied as he flashed a picture of them.  Both Amber and Krystal’s eyes widened in astonishment, their hearts sinking to the bottom.  It was a picture of them kissing at the Han River the night before and it was vivid to clearly see that it was both Amber Liu and Krystal Jung.

“SM can’t save this.”

“How the—”

“Yacht parties are always fun when you get the chance to go, don’t you think?”

Krystal stumbled in her mind.  The yacht she saw on the river.  It wasn’t that close, but it wasn’t that far from where they were standing at either.  She couldn’t fathom how it was all possible but there was no way the picture was edited.  The picture showed Amber’s hat backwards, Krystal’s ends and her face from the tilt of her cap along with the exact same clothes they were wearing with the same position they were in.  Never in their life have they felt so defeated.

“One thing,” Amber said lowly with a swallow.

“Fine,” Il-Suk agreed.

“You don’t touch Krystal.  Ever.  I’ll make sure she’s not alone,” Amber stated.  She glared at him and got up to stand straight.  With all of the anger and adrenaline rushing through her body, she could barely feel the pain shooting up her leg.  “If you try and test me, it will be the end of it; I’ll figure it out somehow.”

Il-Suk glared at Krystal then back at Amber.  “I wouldn’t want to touch her now, anyways.”  After a moment of silence and continuous staring Il-Suk exhaled through his nose.  “You talk to them tomorrow.  I’ll arrange the meeting that you are willing to rest and take a hiatus in LA.”

“No,” Krystal muttered.  She turned to Amber.  “Please—”

“Deal,” Amber interrupted with a straight face.

With the approval, Il-Suk quickly exited the dorm and shut the door behind him, letting the miserable aura take over.  Krystal felt her limbs go numb.  She could feel herself almost float, as if her soul was watching down upon her crying.

“Don’t,” Krystal murmured almost silently.

“I have to,” Amber replied dryly.

“We can figure this out, we can—”

“No,” Amber jumped in.  “No, we can’t Krystal.  He has a picture.”  She flailed her arms and turned to face her.  “Did you see what happened to Jay Park when he had his MySpace comments mistranslated saying that “Korea is gay”?  Can you imagine how worse it could be if they found out that WE were gay?!”

“No,” Krystal could feel tears well up in her eyes.  She lost feeling in her legs and dropped to the floor.  “Don’t do this.”

If there was one thing Krystal didn’t like about being in denial, it was where the conclusion and truth was soon revealed to her.  The reason why she despised it so much, was how it was always exposed.  It was always blurted out with warning.  Along with the fact of her feeling truly stupid, she started to believe the famous quote, “You don’t know what you have until you lose it.”

It led her to the point of where she was now, — crying in front of the best friend she loved.  Was it really late for her to fully express how she felt?  She knew that it was hard on the both of them, but was it necessary to take the initiative of an irrational heartbreak now?  From all the emotions rushing into her, Krystal felt a tear role down her cheek.  As if it was a domino reaction, more tears fell uncontrollably.

“Are you that scared?” she croaked softly.

The girl in front of her clenched her fists.  “I’m not scared.  I’m doing this for us.”

“What benefit does this have on the both of us!?” Krystal screamed.  The latter avoided looking into her eyes, obviously not enjoying the fact that the younger girl was crying right in front of her.

Silence swept over the room.  Who knew being alone could be so heart wrenching to the girl.  Krystal couldn’t take it anymore.  And neither could the older American in front of her.  “You and I both know that this is what we want.  We love performing on stage; we love being what we are.  It’s our dream.  Hell, I didn’t even realize how much I wanted this until training got to me.  We can’t have the risk of getting it thrown away.”

Krystal saw the older girl bite her lip.  “I—it’s not worth it.”  She didn’t expect that.  Her mind was blown away.  Was she honestly telling the truth?  All of what they had wasn’t worth it?  A part of her wasn’t believing it; any of it.  Yet, seeing how serious the latter was, she felt like dying right on the spot.

“You’re a liar,” Krystal accused silently.

Avoiding anything from happening any further, the older girl that had tears threatening to fall, exhaled through abruptly.  She sniffed subconsciously to herself, hoping that Krystal didn’t hear.  When in bitter truth, she heard.  She walked to the door and held the doorknob.  She went there for a reason; to leave.  To go somewhere.  Anywhere but there.  She couldn’t find herself turning the stupid thing, though.  She still heard the soft sobs coming out of the younger girl.

“I’m sorry, Krys…”