2010 . 07 . 01 – 2:30AM (GMT+9; TIME IN S. KOREA)

A figure woke slightly to the ringing of noise in her ears.  It was distant, but still very audible with emotion.  Her eyes widened after the realization of the slightly familiar sound coming from the room next to her.  She jolted out of her covers, leaving half of it frolicking to the floor, the other half recanting onto the bed.  Jessica jetted to the room not too far from her own and immediately opened the door.  She was met with a much more vigorous version of what she was hearing from her room—Krystal’s sheer scream that could worry and terrify the whole city of Seoul.  Jessica quickly ran to Krystal—the latter’s eyes still closed as she stayed in her bed, her screaming and violent tosses and turns—tying and untying knots from her bed covers—her pillows slowly falling to the floor.

“Krystal!” Jessica called out as she tried to get through Krystal’s continuous motions.  She managed to get a hold of Krystal in her arms, holding her head hoping to stabilize the poor little sister of hers, as well as trying to stop her from flailing her arms any further.  Jessica didn’t know what to do.  She lightly tapped Krystal’s cheek consistently, hoping to wake up the younger girl.  Once she finally saw Krystal’s eyes opened, her heart slightly relaxed; only with that which followed by a harder drop in her stomach after hearing and seeing Krystal’s new change of movement.  Krystal’s eyes opened, yes, but as she made eye contact with Jessica, the latter could sense that Krystal’s cries were almost cries for help.  She only came to this once she heard Krystal’s sheer screaming turned into gasps for air that only picked up after each breath.

“Krystal,” Jessica pleaded with a tense tone.  She made sure that the latter’s eyes were locking with hers.  “Breathe, Krystal!” Jessica screamed, seeing Krystal’s eyes well up with tears—Jessica’s eyes welling up on her own.  Jessica continued to call out to Krystal, her tears beginning to fall as Krystal’s tears fell as well.  Krystal’s gasps for air slowly became strong sobs of despair and depression.  Krystal slowly broke down into her sister’s arms as she felt the numbness in her body disappear.

“It’s okay,” Jessica said quietly.  “I’m right here, baby girl.”

Krystal curled herself into a ball, grasping onto Jessica’s clothes tighter after hearing the not-so-familiar words ring through her ears.  She missed hearing those words coming from somebody else’s mouth—the thought of even bearing that what used to be hers is no longer…hers.

Jessica her little sister’s hair with her right hand, running her hand through the locks.  She noticed that the younger girl calmed down with only a few stifled sniffles here and there.  She saw Krystal wipe her tears away with her hands, only hugging her tighter when she was done. 

“Thank you,” Jessica heard Krystal mumble into her stomach. Krystal sat up and ran her own hand through her hair to get the messy strands out of her face.  She avoided eye contact with her older sister.

“Anything for you,” Jessica murmured after a small silence.  She observed Krystal.  “Soojung,” she lowly called.  She bit her lip; “This has been going on for a few days now.”

Krystal looked down.  “I know,” she answered.  “Don’t tell mom and dad.”

Jessica swallowed the lump that formed out of worry in .  “Don’t you want to see a doctor?  Maybe you can get help for this anxiety problem you have—”

“I don’t have a problem,” she retaliated immediately with emphasis.

“Krys—”

“It’s nothing,” she said.  She shook her head.  “I’m alive aren’t I? That should be enough.”

“I just don’t understand how this all happened right after Amber left,” Jessica replied.

Krystal clenched her teeth, fighting back tears after hearing the girl’s name.  “It has nothing to do with her.”

“But—”

“Get out.”

Jessica blinked at the statement.  She and Krystal have fought before, but the tone she was now giving was a new one.  Jessica had to replay the scene in her head five times before she realized how serious Krystal was.  She slowly got up and nodded sullenly to herself and began to walk away.  Despite her back to her younger sister, she heard Krystal ruffle on the bed, getting herself under the covers again.

“Maybe you should turn off the A/C if you’re cold,” Jessica suggested as she took a small stop at the door, turning slightly to her.

“I’m fine,” Krystal responded sternly.

Silence took over the Jung sisters in Krystal’s room.  Krystal turned her body to lie on her side, facing the wall in the process.  Jessica looked down to the floor and crossed her arms, feeling the breeze running through the space go through her.  She looked over to her sister.

“I...I don’t think I’ll ever understand,” Jessica slowly emphasized.

After hearing no response, Jessica sighed to herself and exited the room in silence.  Krystal clutched her bed sheets and stifled a strong sob as tears continuously fell from her face and onto her pillow.  She knew what Jessica was talking about.

…I love her, Jess.

2010 . 07 . 01 – 1:27AM (PST; Time in CA, USA)

A sigh escaped as she sat down on a small barstool in front of her kitchen counter.  She took a sip from her glass and rubbed her face harshly with her free hand.  Amber looked into her glass, seeing through the water capturing the image of the countertop.  She tried to make some sort of image with the countertop’s design of marble dots, hoping it would occupy her mind with a small mental challenge for a little bit.  It failed almost immediately and she just rubbed her face and hair with both hands this time, adding more anger through her aggression in the action.

“Can’t sleep?”

Amber turned her head and found her older sister, Jackie, walking towards her.  She had a small sympathetic smile on her face.  Jackie approached Amber and took the seat next to her and leaned on her right elbow to look at her sister as Amber nodded to herself at the question.

Amber forced out a chuckle.  “But what else is new, right?”

Jackie looked down to Amber’s glass.  She had noticed the Grey Goose vodka bottle a few feet away from them at the bar their father owned.  “I don’t know,” Jackie answered, which caused the latter to look at her.  “You tell me.”

Amber blinked as she saw Jackie looking at her glass.  She took a sip as a test and saw Jackie’s face darken slightly.  “Relax,” the tomboy said after she swallowed her water.  “Dad was drinking before he went to bed a little while ago.  This is water.”  She slid the glass to Jackie, gesturing her to sniff the glass.  Jackie did so briefly and her expression lightened.

“Sorry,” Jackie sadly let out.  “I just—”

“Don’t worry,” Amber interrupted, taking back the drink.  “I think you’re entitled.”  Amber let out a sigh and closed her eyes, feeling a small headache form in her right temple.  You THINK she’s entitled? Amber asked herself.  She mentally scoffed.  She IS entitled.  Ever since Amber came home, her insomnia issue took a whole toll on her—worsening than ever before.  She was gradually running on 2 to no hours of sleep straight on for days.  She was starting to strongly consider that there was something severely wrong with her if she could run okay with that.

“What happened, man?” Jackie asked.  Amber could hear, feel and see the frustration pouring out of her older sister.  It wasn’t like Amber to keep secrets from Jackie.  She knew that she could trust Jackie with the Krystal thing—heck, even Krystal knew she could trust Jackie, too.  Amber just never had the time to actually say it as compared to just being a happy jitterbug over the phone or over Skype.  Jackie always questioned and for the random happiness; moments like that made Amber glad that the people around her besides Krystal herself didn’t understand a word of English.  She never did get alone time to flat out tell her sister: “Krystal and I are together,” and that’s what made things harder; only because the simplest and smallest words could easily lift the most complicated and biggest emotions stacked on her shoulders.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Amber muttered, breaking the small silence between them.

Jackie shook her head.  “I know that you’ve been drinking the past few nights since you’ve gotten back.  It’s to put you to sleep.  You don’t think I’ve seen you?”

Amber exhaled.  “Trust me, it’s tempting as much as it helps, but I’m trying not to give into the drinking more and more each time after I do it every night.”

“Why won’t you talk to me?” Jackie asked sadly.

Amber looked down, bringing her chin slightly closer to her chest.  She could feel the familiar numbness take over her body.  “I-I wouldn’t even know where to begin,” she answered with shame.

Jackie continued to observe her little sister, turning her body to face her.  She was worried, that was obvious.  She could feel the frustration of being helpless grow and grow in her that she was even angry with herself.  Amber was there for her and she was always there for Amber.  Jackie supported Amber’s choice of career—even encouraged her plans to audition when she overheard Amber sing when the latter thought she was home alone.  She inhaled and held her breath.

“Is it…Krystal?” Jackie exhaled the question out slowly.

Amber opened mouth to say something, but as always with the topic of the younger girl—she couldn’t bring herself to let anything out.  Amber was tired of crying; so tired of not being able to sleep at night more so than ever because of her.  She couldn’t fathom how much of a hold Krystal had on her and she would get angry just thinking about it; how vulnerable the Korean-American made her feel.

Jackie watched Amber’s emotions pry out of her pores.  As much as the tomboy fought it, she knew that it was obvious how much even hearing the name of the other’s practically ruined her.  “I’ve seen the way she looks at you,” Jackie stated.  She put a hand on her little sister’s shoulder.  “And I’ve seen the way you look at her.”

“It’s wrong,” Amber asserted as she hung her head low.  She shook it shamefully.  “This…this is all so wrong.”

“Amber,” her sister called.  “You’ve always been comfortable with your uality when you came to realize it more.”

The latter scoffed.  “Not really.  “Comfortable” is a little over-rated.”

“Well—okay then.  You were always okay with it,” Jackie responded.

“But this?” Amber began as she turned her head to face the older girl.  Misery was all over the androgynous girl’s face.  “We’re idols.  There’s so much pressure on us and I just wish there wasn’t.”  She rubbed her face with her hands once again, feeling her walls come down more.  “When I auditioned for SM, I didn’t expect to meet someone like Krystal Jung.  I didn’t expect to fall for someone like her.  I didn’t expect ANY of this.  I just wanted to sing—dance, rap, whatever the case would have been.  That’s all I ever asked for.”  Amber let tears of mixed emotions run down her cheeks, even though she wiped them away vigorously.  “I didn’t ask for anything else!  I never asked for anything other than being accepted and getting this opportunity in my hand taken for.  I didn’t ask for Krystal—I—” She stopped abruptly when she her voice cracked at saying her lover’s name.  She let out a sob.  “I-I didn’t ask,” she paused slowly, sniffling out of frustration.  “I didn’t ask to fall in love with her.”

Jackie could feel her heart break watching her little sister fall apart.  She didn’t know what to do but to listen to her soft cries and cracked words escape the girl’s lips.  Amber held her head with her left hand, her left elbow on the countertop for support of the heavy burden she could feel on her whole body.  Amber calmed down a little bit, Jackie noticed, getting herself together as she wiped her remaining tears away from her face.  “We were together,” she started.  “Today would have been half a year.”

“Six months?” Jackie asked in surprise.  “And you hid it for that long?”

Amber nodded, but nonetheless found herself smiling lightly, too.  “It’s easier when you’re both girls that are in the same group in a country where homouality is pretty much—” she paused.  “Denied.”

“What do you mean?”

“Being gay in Korea is frowned upon, but it’s as if people don’t think it even exists,” Amber answered.  “Skinship is so common over there, people don’t even assume that two boys or two girls walking down the street holding hands or even having their arms around each other means that they’re dating.”  She let out an exhausted sigh.  “Even if we didn’t make it to six months officially,” Amber paused as she made eye contact with her older sister.  “I could say that it’s been the happiest months I’ve ever had in my life.”

She let out another sigh.  “I didn’t come back home just because of my foot problem.”  Amber could feel the anger of Il-Suk run back to her as if it happened yesterday.  “I had to leave because I was being blackmailed.”

Jackie could feel the transparency of Amber’s body fill with lividness.  She could also feel herself gain a sense of anger, as well.  “By who?”

“A new manager of ours.  His name is Il-Suk.”

“How?” Jackie asked in frustration.  “What, did he find out or something?”

The latter nodded.  “Him and I pretty much fought.  My ankle was fine but when he shoved me while we were discussing the situation, that’s where it got worse.”

Jackie didn’t know what to say.  She opened to try and say at least one word of console, like “It’s okay” or “ him,” but Amber interrupted.  “Don’t worry,” she said.  “It’s not what you think.”  Amber took a sip from her glass of water.  “Il-Suk is the only manager who ever put hands on me like that.  All of our other staff members treat us fairly.”

“Still,” Jackie let out.  “He should be fired.”

“You’re right, he should be,” Amber agreed.  “But,” she paused.  She exhaled.  “To save his and my , along with Krystal’s —we all agreed to keep it between us.  Me leaving Korea to get my ankle better since he was the one that primarily caused it; him not touching Krystal or letting the secret out.”

Jackie shook her head aggressively.  “So what if people found out?”

“I wish I could think like that, but it’s not that simple.”

“Why?”

“Because, Jackie,” Amber pleaded.  “When I came out, it was around the era of Proposition 8.  The USA is still accepting the LGBTQ community—Korea is barely there.”  She also shook her head.  “It’s just—just not that easy.”  Amber ran her hand through her hair.  “I mean, there’s a reason why dad was so paranoid with me going over there, anyways, remember?”

“I know, but still,” Jackie intervened.  “I just don’t get how people can be so ignorant and naïve.”

Amber nodded.  “I know but we can’t teach an old dog new tricks.”

“So what are you going to do?”

Amber looked to her sister in defeat.  Krystal was pretty much everything to her.  They never had , even though there were times that they got close.  She only stopped it because she knew that they would have to rush with the paranoia of someone walking in and finding out about the two of them.  Amber wanted to make sure that it was taken nice and slow—passionate even.  There was something about Krystal that stung in Amber’s heart; the way her name rolled off of the younger girl’s tongue; the way her voice lowered only for Amber to hear when they were around people and even when they were by themselves; the way Krystal laughed at her stupidity and she could honestly feel her saying “She’s dumb, but I love her.”; and the way Krystal bit her lip out of genuine love and almost angst at Amber from across the room during photo-shoots, music shows, dinner, lunch, breakfast and even during practice.  Amber had it bad.  She had it really bad.  And that’s where it .  That’s where it hurt her the most.  At the end of the day, all Amber wanted to do was not say anything at all—no words needed—just a tight hug to show how sorry she was for everything and just how much she wanted to be in her arms.

“I don’t know,” she answered as she broke her train of thought.  “I’m just not ready to face her, no matter how much I want to see her.”