2010 . 11 . 27 – 3:18AM (GMT; Time in S. Korea)

“We have a long day ahead of us later; don’t you think you should be sleeping?”

She turned around at the voice as she was pouring herself hot water to make a cup of tea.  Luna stood a few feet away from her with her arms crossed and leaning to her left side.  She saw her let out a chuckle, her ponytail swishing from her slight body action of a laugh.  Luna walked to the girl in front of her as the latter chuckled with her, as she turned back around to dip her tea bag in and out of the hot liquid.

Luna went to their mug cabinet and took one out, her head gesturing to the kettle.  “Got anymore in there?” she asked.

Krystal nodded and carefully handed the hot kettle to her band mate.  Luna thanked her with a bright smile and puffy eyes from lack of sleep.  They moved to the f(x)’s dining room table and took their seats, slowly blowing and sipping on their tea.

“How come you’re not sleeping?” Krystal questioned after she swallowed some of her tea.  She moved in her seat, sitting with one knee to her chest, her other leg in a fold near her bottom.  She pulled the sleeves of the zip-up hoodie she was wearing, suddenly feeling a little chilly—winter was coming quick.

Luna shrugged and added a chuckle.  “I guess I’ve been dorming with Amber for so long, she rubbed off of me.”

Krystal looked down to her tea, feeling the sound of her lover’s name ring through her ears.  She still couldn’t believe that even hearing the name affected her this much; to the point where she just wanted to cry all over again as if what happened to them happened to them yesterday.  Still—despite it only being a good few and very slow months that have passed—she still wasn’t getting over it.  Krystal knew that very well.  It was the fact of accepting what happened—that’s where Krystal was in a slump.

Luna caught the fall in expression on the maknae’s face.  She always wondered if there was something more with the two Americans but Luna learned the hard way that strongly assuming something too much always got her digging her own grave.  So because of that, she made a self-vow to not overthink things too much and just go with the flow—which was good—because she noticed herself becoming more open-minded with anything and everything she always ran into in growing days as an idol.

However, she decided to play along with it for just a little longer.

“Amber and I usually talk at night when we both can’t sleep,” Luna began, glancing at the girl diagonally in front of her to her left every now and then.  She took a sip from her tea to let each word sink in.  “It usually puts me to sleep, but I don’t know about her.”

“Yeah, she’s practically a night owl,” Krystal finished with a weak laugh.

“Weak” was an understatement, though.  Luna could see pain on her face and in the rest of her body—she knew her member’s body language too well it was almost disgusting. 

But in a good way, of course.

“I wonder how she is now,” Luna added.  It earned a small look from the younger girl.  “Well, you know—the jet lag, the time difference and all—maybe it’s easier for her to fall asleep.”

Krystal shrugged, not really knowing what to say—or what to even do at this point.  She appreciated that Luna was just speaking—just speaking for the hell of it because lately her life has been silent.  Krystal described her life so far with that word very loosely.  Because lately, everything was almost still around her.  The routine that she solely became so accustomed to at the same time became so numb.  Wake up, get ready, schedules, food in between, more schedules, performances, practices, hygiene maintenance, sleep attempts, crying, more sleep attempts, more crying—wake up again; to include an anxiety attack here and there.  Throughout the day, she could feel her palms sweat; her heart racing as her worry bugs reached the peak of Mt. Everest faster than a wild cheetah running in the field; and paranoia—the paranoia turned into angst and alertness for almost everything in her life.  Amber wasn’t even around anymore and she was still scared the two of them would get caught somehow and in someway.  Not to mention the sight and coercion of Il-Suk wasn’t helping the girl cope with their situation at all.  She had to give him credit though—as Amber requested, Il-Suk only spoke to Krystal when it was business related and it was always in front of someone they knew, as well as in public.  I guess he was making sure to keep his end of the bargain.

Krystal looked down as she thought more about her disgusting manager—using the adjective in every definition possible.  She noticed that he was paying more attention to Victoria more; she rolled her eyes at the thought and bit the inside of her cheek as she felt herself get flustered with anger all over again.  Maybe it’s because they’re close in age, she thought.  Either way, she didn’t want Victoria dating anyone like Il-Suk for that matter and even though the “We Got Married” segment she was filming with the infamous Thai-Prince, 2PM’s Nichkhun Horvejkul was going on and was high on demand, every artist in the entertainment business knew that it was all scripted and that because of it, the farthest it ever went was being close friends.  Getting time to herself, she wanted to take the despair she was feeling away from her.  She searched up ways to fight her anxiety issue and it varied to many people—her especially.  Krystal found herself finding that worrying about others and focusing “on the now instead of then,” helped a lot.  For instance, every f(x) and 2PM fan practically wanted Victoria and Nichkhun to be real.  It made the members laugh because they all knew Victoria was still hung up over a guy back in China—a childhood friend of hers she still kept in contact with.  And Nichkhun?  Krystal couldn’t say for sure, but she did notice Tiffany getting upset over “We Got Married” and whenever they coincided at music programs or even when Jessica would hang out with Taecyeon, Tiffany and Nichkhun just so happened to be with them.

It made her wonder; Do our fans want Amber and I together?  To be “real”?

Fan pairings were common.  She swore to herself that she had to repeat that religiously to everyone she practically knew when they first debuted; it was so common that her parents didn’t even question it anymore either.  Krystal could remember how many times she overheard Jessica explaining to her parents what “shipping” was, especially during the rumors of her and Super Junior’s Donghae.  It was one thing to ship, but it was another thing to actually wish and assume that her and Amber were together.  She looked up every now and then how popular “KryBer” was and saw that there were fans that paired the two of them together as “best friends,” fans who paired them up as a couple but doubted the reality of it all and would say, “They’re friends but they’d be cute together as girlfriends,” and then the hardcore fans that strongly believed they were together and that they basically had every night.  Krystal laughed at the thought and she even laughed at some of the fanfiction she came across while she researched.  But at the end of it all—she just didn’t know.

Luna noticed the girl near her in deep thought as she watched her pull the sleeves of the zip-up hoodie she was wearing over her hands again and brought them to rest on her knee, placing her chin on top of it.  Luna lightly scrunched her eyebrows when she saw Krystal’s face change after a few seconds of placing her chin on her hands—almost as if she was saying “Oh .”  She removed her chin away from her hands and just hugged herself with her arms.  Krystal’s facial expression fell even deeper and Luna caught it.  She thought for a moment as she continued to observe her—her eyes catching the hoodie.

“Isn’t that hoodie a little too big for you?” Luna asked, forcing a chuckle out to somewhat lighten the mood.

Krystal confusingly looked at the sweater.  She began to tie her hair up into a loose bun.  “I mean—it’s Sulli’s,” she said.  She added a blink.  “Isn’t it?”

Luna shook her head slowly.  “I think that’s Amber’s.”

Krystal could feel her heart crack.  “O-oh,” she let out.  She feigned a smile as she shrugged.  “I found it in Sulli’s room before I went to come out here.”  She took a sip from her mug.  “I guess it makes sense,” Krystal said.  She lowered her voice, “It does smell like her.”

Luna heard, though.  She heard and saw it all.  She knew that something definitely occurred between the two Americans after seeing Krystal react to Amber’s name.  “Have you spoken to her recently?” Luna gave out, breaking the unforgiving silence.

Luna saw Krystal swallow hard and saw her shake her head.  “No,” she answered.

“I thought she gave you something on your birthday,” the latter replied.

“It was mailed,” Krystal said, making eye contact with her band mate for a quick second.  She broke it as she looked to her mug and began to draw circles.  “We never spoke about it.”

“She didn’t mention anything?”

“Nope.”

“Not even when we saw her in LA?”

“Not even then.”

“Maybe she wanted it to be a surprise,” Luna said with a suggesting, yet sympathetic small smile.

Krystal gave out her own smile, as well, except it was more saddening and upsetting.  “No…I mean, I don’t know.  I didn’t ask for a present.”

“Amber loves you,” Luna said seriously.  It earned a look from the younger girl as Luna continued.  “She’d give you the world if she could.”

Krystal blinked multiple times as she felt her face become hot.  She could feel her face show a tint of light pink.  Still, she continued to look into her mug, forcing out an uncomfortable laugh.  “That’s a little too much now, don’t you think?”

“It’s not.”

The statement caused Krystal to make eye contact with Luna, once again, and this time—she saw a different look in her eyes.  It was the look of genuine care and worry.  The look a best friend would give.  The look that came with an open mind.  The look that came without any judgment in the world.

Open-minded.

No judgment.

Krystal could feel her heart in .  She has to know.

As if Luna read her mind.  “What happened, Soojung,” coming out more as a statement than as an actual question.

Krystal felt like she was about to throw up as she recalled the time she was reunited with Amber while they were in LA for filming for their show, “f(x)’s Koala” and for the SMTOWN World Live Tour ’10 event.  Her palms began to sweat.  Her heart began to race.  Ever since the entire situation has happened between her, Amber and Il-Suk, she hasn’t gone to anyone about it.  When news hit that Amber was leaving and taking a hiatus to the media and to the public, Silvia was the first one to call and ask if she was all right.  But of course, Krystal lied; saying that everything was okay, that it was only an ankle injury and Amber thought it would be better to recuperate back home with her family.

“I know, but does she know?”

Krystal confusingly ruffled her hair with her free hand as she tried to balance on her left leg.  She was hoping that the topic of Amber’s leg would just move passed Silvia’s mind and that maybe—just maybe, her best friend could tell her something about a new guy in her life or what happened in school.  But no—not everyone got what they wanted.

“What are you talking about Silvia?”

Krystal heard the girl groan through the phone.  “About you, you know—liking her.”

Krystal’s heart felt heavy, again, a common thing she noticed ever since the girl left Korea.  It was a wreck living through this ongoing and nightmare of a roller coaster.  “No,” Krystal lied.

“Krys—”

“Just—please,” Krystal pleaded loudly.  She shut her eyes and rubbed her left temple with her hand.  “Drop it.  Okay?  It’s hard enough as it is.”

Krystal forced herself into doing natural 360-degree spins in personality changes that even she began to feel that she was becoming psychotic for being able to do so.  What was she supposed to do?  No one knew about her and Amber; no one sure knew about what Il-Suk did.  Loyalty can ever go so far, but she told herself that if Il-Suk was obliging to his end of the deal, then she would, too because knowing Amber—she was doing it as well, no matter what.  Because that was who Amber was.  Loyal.  Genuine.  Careful.  Most importantly: selfless.

“Soojung?” Luna called out.

Krystal reached back into reality and did a double take.  “Huh?” it came out informally.

Luna laughed, despite the serious aura in the air.  “Um.  You okay?”

Krystal couldn’t help but chuckle as she nodded.  She could feel the exhaustion take over her.  She saw Luna get out of her seat and move to the one directly next to her right.  Krystal felt her heart waver.  She knew Luna too well and when it was serious—when Luna was serious—it was serious.  She avoided eye contact with the girl, now looking to her mug once again.  She didn’t bother with the rest of her tea knowing it was already cold.

“You know you can tell me anything, right?” Krystal heard Luna ask.  She knew that whatever look Luna was giving was a caring one because the emotions had a voice of their own through her words.  She responded with a sullen nod.  “Then what happened?” Luna asks again.

Krystal inhaled, telling herself that it was okay to say it.  It was okay to spill everything.  But as she held her breath and felt her limbs go numb—her heart quiver with fear, she found herself thinking twice.  She tried to force it out because she knew that talking it out with at least someone was better than anything; that it was better than this—better than feeling all alone in the world.  Krystal opened slightly, hoping a word would slip out.  But thinking about what happened and how it all went down only caused more somersaults to occur in her head.  She tilted her head to the side as she scrunched her face; tears welling up in her eyes, staying hung still searching for words.

“I-I don’t even know,” Krystal muttered with a cracked voice.  She let tears fall down her cheeks; her walls breaking down brick by brick as each second passed by.  Luna could only stare, her heart breaking in the process.  She could see how Krystal had bottled everything up because the girl just kept crying and sniffling, looking for words to say—looking to say something.  “I just don’t even know where to begin,” Krystal sobbed.  She put the palms of her hands to her eyes, shaking her head with sniffles taking up the room’s silence.  She inhaled deeply through her nose and exhaled through .  Krystal felt her limbs tingle and she knew that if she didn’t try to control her emotions and her breathing, she was in for another anxiety attack.  She shut her eyes and swallowed roughly, counting to ten in her head—a slow ten seconds to regulate her heartbeat that she could hear in her ears.

Krystal looked over to the older band mate next to her and held her breath.  She exhaled slowly through her nose, shutting her eyes briefly one more time before clasping her hands together.  “What I’m about to tell you—I swear,” Krystal began.  “You cannot tell anyone.”

Luna nodded furiously as angst entered her body.  She already had an idea of what Krystal was going to tell her; at this point, she just wanted to actually hear it.  “Luna, I swear,” Krystal emphasized in English.

“I know, I know,” Luna said in her own English, as well.  She didn’t realize how much Amber has rubbed off of her until now.

“Amber and I,” the younger girl started, switching back to Korean.  “We were together.”

Krystal kept the eye contact with Luna going, expecting some sort of whiplash of hate and negativity pouring out.  Instead, she got silence.  “Together,” Krystal repeated.  “You know—girlfriends.”

“I want to hear you actually say it, Soojung,” Luna stated.  Krystal blinked at the statement.  She was only met with a response of a small smile.  “You don’t tell people these things—ever.  Don’t you think it would help if you said it straight-forwardly?” Luna suggested.

Krystal swallowed a thick lump down .  She inhaled and exhaled slowly.  She added a subtle nod as she looked down to her hands.  They were shaking, because in reality, Luna was right.  Not once has she flat out said that Amber and her were romantically together.  Anyone could take that vague confession as, “Oh remember when we were together that one time at karaoke?” or “We were together for that company dinner,” every option was available—she couldn’t even bring herself to say it alone in front a mirror.  It was that terrifying to her.

“Amber was my girlfriend,” Krystal began.  She could feel a heavy load lift off her shoulders.  Luna’s smile got bigger and Krystal became more confident.  “I love her,” she confessed thoroughly.  “We dated for almost half a year.”

Luna could only smile from ear to ear at the news.  She put a hand on the girl’s knee.  “Do you feel better?

Krystal couldn’t help but chuckle as she wiped her face away from the tears even when they continued to fall.  She nodded.  Her face became serious again.  “Thank you,” she said softly.

“For what?”

“For just being—there.  Here,” Krystal corrected.  She sat back in her chair.  “Amber told me that you already knew about her but—it’s just not easy.”

Luna nodded.  “I know.”  She tapped Krystal’s knee in a motherly manner.  “What happened, Soojung?  Why did you guys break up?”

Krystal could feel tears well up in her eyes again.  “It just wasn’t easy being together—sneaking around all the time, lying to everyone’s faces; pretending that we were only just best friends—like no.”  She shook her head.  “Il-Suk found out.”

“WHAT?!” Luna whispered harshly in astonishment.  She definitely didn’t see that part coming.  “Wait, how?  What did he do?!” she asked angrily.

Krystal felt herself become angry, as well.  “Long story short, he’s very sensitive about—”  She paused briefly.  Krystal closed her eyes and breathed; she wasn’t even that comfortable saying it flat out either.  Luna patiently waited.  “He’s very sensitive about gay people.”

Luna scrunched her eyebrows.  “What for?”

“Something happened to him while he was still in the army.”

The latter’s eyebrows raised automatically at the statement.  She wasn’t sure if she wanted to know so in the end, she didn’t ask.  She only let out a hum as a response and gestured Krystal to continue with what happened between her and the tomboy.  “Anyway,” Krystal said.  “He found out, got mad and ended up shoving Amber.  She fell on her ankle and that’s how it got worse.  If you thought her limping was bad after she got out the van that night—you didn’t see her after Il-Suk shoved her.”  She sighed.  “Il-Suk blackmailed us, basically; to keep his job, he told her to leave and let her ankle heal. In return, he wouldn’t say anything about us.”

“Oh my god,” Luna gave out.  She was furious.  “I can’t believe—what the hell is so crazy about you two dating?!”  She flailed her arms.  “I swear, I don’t understand people anymore.  You try to please everyone and you can’t—someone is always complaining no matter what.”

Krystal only gave out a tiny and exhausting smile.  “If only the world population think like you do.”  She bit the inside of her cheek as she looked down, fiddling with her thumbs upsettingly.  “Seeing Amber back in LA again was just—It’s crazy.”

Luna thought for a moment.  “You know,” she began.  “Now that I think about it, you guys didn’t even talk much.”

Krystal nodded.  “I really felt like I was going to throw up.  Especially with Il-Suk watching us?” she shook her head, “I thought I was honestly going to explode with all the tension that built up in me.”  She heaved a sigh.  “Honestly, we didn’t really talk that much; no words were really needed.”

“What do you mean?”

The whole room was brought with joyful gasps and cheers as they gave their attention to a familiar figure entering through f(x)’s dressing room door.  Krystal was drinking from a bottle of water as her stylist fixed her up for their finale on stage with the rest of SMTOWN.  She didn’t necessarily pay attention to the ruckus going on—all she wanted to do was go home and sleep.

“HYUNG!!!”

Krystal had to do a double-take from the exciting call, causing some of her water to go down the wrong tube; her lungs taking a sharp right turn into coughs and tears welling up in her eyes from the horrible and unforgiving pain.  Her stylist patted her back, to which the latter thanked.  She saw her walk away; Krystal assumed that she was done.  Krystal didn’t want to get up from her seat and turn around.  She could feel a stare coming down on her and at this point, she wasn’t even sure if it was coming from Amber—or Il-Suk.

But still, Krystal had more decency than that.  After all, if she denied that she didn’t want to even look at Amber or even talk to her—that was obviously a lie.   With all of her will, she got up from her chair, giving herself a small sigh and check in the mirror to make sure she looked alright.  She could feel her heart in her ears; beating with every word that was telling her to stay confident and to stay calm.

Once Krystal turned around, she was already met with direct eye contact from the tomboy that only lasted a split two seconds.  Her heart jumped.  Luna, Victoria and Sulli were immersed into their band member, asking her how she was and how her foot was.  Amber was definitely standing on both of her feet, not leaning onto her good foot anymore, she noticed.  Krystal was glad.  She hated seeing Amber in pain and she didn’t want to remember those illicit memories.

Krystal began to walk over to the group not too far from her.  With every step, she could feel her legs become heavier and heavier; literally the term “you’re dragging your feet” taking a toll on her and the situation.  As she got closer, she noticed Amber’s update in features more so straight on.  The tomboy dyed her hair back to her natural color and got rid of the nasty mushroom cut from the “NU ABO” era.  Krystal could tell that Amber grew it out and cut it back into a more “natural” haircut; a haircut that Amber was comfortable with as she let it grow out.

“She looks… good,” Krystal thought.  But of course, she would, she was Amber.  It angered her a bit.  While she was having panic and anxiety attacks, Amber came to show a stronger demeanor.  She seemed more confident.  She was standing up straight.  Her smile was bigger and much more welcoming as she was catching up with the rest of her members; staff members peeping in to say hi and to listen in on her stories here and there.  But Krystal?  She had bags under her eyes, she never got sleep and she was suffering from too many panic attacks in one day.  And even if Krystal thought she could stick with the small fire of anger burning inside of her—she found herself disappearing into Amber’s sudden attention towards her.

“Krystal,” Amber said as the younger girl reached the group.  The others turned around with a smile; Sulli telling Amber that she was the last one to finish the touch-ups for the finale.

“H-hi,” Krystal whimpered out subconsciously with a light smile—a smile she couldn’t even resist holding in.  Amber blinked back, her face softening.  Krystal could tell that Amber was about to cry and she herself felt that she was about to crack any minute.

Amber gestured to her.  “You look great,” she said.

Krystal nodded, as something in her told her quickly to push.  She made eye contact with Amber and it all happened so fast, even though Krystal thought that this lasted for at least an hour.  Something in her told her to just go over there and hold the damn girl because that’s all she’s ever wanted to do since Amber left.  Because while they were apart—Krystal did some growing up, too.  She gave herself some credit for that.  And there she was—walking over to Amber while Sulli was saying something, not necessarily hearing out what she was exactly talking about.

Krystal could tell that Amber was surprised judging by her body language the minute Krystal’s body made contact with hers.  She missed this feeling.  The familiar scent the tomboy carried; the way her body fit with her own.  Nonetheless, Amber slowly wrapped her arms around Krystal’s shoulders and added a chuckle, which brought Krystal back to reality.  She realized Amber did that on purpose because she knew that, she too forgot that they weren’t alone.  They were idols in a dressing room; their CEO walking in and out of the areas to check on their artists.  They were Krystal and Amber of f(x).

“We’re not the only ones who couldn’t wait to see you,” Luna said, seeing Krystal hug Amber.  Victoria and Sulli smiled and nodded with agreement.

“I missed you so much,” Krystal whispered into Amber’s ear in English. 

Amber had to bite her tongue until she could taste her blood.  Her heart began to beat so hard that she was almost positive that Krystal could feel it against her own body.  She blinked a few times to avoid tears from welling up uncontrollably.  Before it could go any further, Amber gently back away and softly cleared .  She avoided eye contact with the younger girl, feigning a smile to the rest of her members.

“I’ll head back out there now.  You guys are about to start the finale soon,” Amber said.  The others agreed and wished their fair goodbyes.  Amber made eye contact with Krystal for a brief moment once again, giving her a small crooked smile—a smile that was painful and Krystal knew that she was hurting just as much as she was.  Krystal watched Amber walk out of the room and slowly had a horrible flashback of the night she left after they had broken up.  Granted, Amber came back later on that night, slept in bed with Krystal as they continued to cry together but this time—Amber wasn’t coming back.  At least not until a long time.  She gave herself a pat on the back for feeling super courageous at this point because even if Il-Suk was watching, she found herself walking towards the door to go chase her.

Krystal exited f(x)’s dressing room, now entering the hallway of the area.  She saw Amber only a few feet away from the exit, which was not too far from where she was standing either.

“Am,” Krystal called out; a little softer than she expected it to be.

The girl by the name turned around, surprise written on her face.  Amber honestly did not expect to see Krystal by herself—and they were truly by themselves.  She swallowed nervously.

“Krys—”

“When are you coming back?” Krystal interrupted.  Amber’s mouth hung slightly automatically noticing a tear run down Krystal’s face.  She stood on her ground, still standing strong—standing strong for the both of them.  She told herself not to show any tears tonight because she promised herself that she wouldn’t.  Amber knew what she was in for when she was coming to see her, f(x) and the rest of the company.  She knew.

Amber heaved a sigh.  “I-I’m not sure, yet.”

Krystal looked down, clearly upset at the response.  Amber swallowed again.  “Krys,” she called out.

Krystal paused for a moment.  She wasn’t sure if she could handle being there anymore, nonetheless making eye contact one more time before it caused her to really lose it.  But because it was Amber—she took the shot.

Amber caught Krystal’s eyes.  “Still against the world?” she asked.

Krystal blinked, falling slightly agape.  She knew what Amber was talking about.  She blinked away her tears as she nodded.  “You and I,” her voice cracked with confirmation.

Amber gave out a small smile.  “Good,” she said softly.  She swallowed one more time.  “Nothing’s changed.”

“What did she mean by that?”

Krystal exhaled lightly.  “That she still feels the same way; she still feels the same way as I do.”

“Which is a good thing, right?” Luna asked.  She furrowed her eyes together.  “You should be excited about that, why aren’t you excited?”

Krystal couldn’t help but laugh at the older girl’s small pout.  Despite her being serious, it was too adorable how Luna was so protective about her own relationship.  “I am, believe me,” Krystal assured.  “I just—it’s hard; being apart from somebody, especially with a situation like this.”  She paused.  “It’s almost as if I’m alone.”

“But you’re not,” Luna confirmed.  She perked her lips to the side, trying to figure out the right words to say.  “I can never begin to even understand what you and Amber are going through, but what I can tell you is that you’re not alone.  I’m here to hear both of your sides; both of your stories and remain mutual to make sure you guys get through together.  I know it’s not much—but you can trust me.  I promise.”  She gave out a smile.  “As long as the both of you are talking to someone—and in the long run, even if it’s not me all the time, I’ll still be just as happy.”

Krystal looked down to her hands, feelings tears form in her eyes from happiness and genuine relaxation.  Luna said that it wasn’t much, but to Krystal it was everything she could ever ask for in a friend.  She personally wished that she wasn’t so bottled up but it was hard to break old habits.

“Thank you.”