2009 . 11 . 11 – 1:40AM

“You do know that you have a schedule tomorrow, right?”

“Yes.”

“And you do know that you have to get there on your own if you stay the night, right?”

“Yes,” Amber answered again with an annoying tone.  She shook her head as she watched her manager pull up in front of a house. 

“Amber—”

“Trust me,” she assured.  Her manager’s face was seen with slight panic.  “I know that you’re not allowed to drop me off anywhere other than the designated areas and our dorm, but trust me.  I will be back home by the morning and you can pick me up with the rest of the girls at the dorm.  I promise.”

She saw her manager put her car in park and sighed slowly.  He let out a defeated groan lightly.  “Alright fine.  But just at least text me or something, okay?  I just started this job.”

Amber half laughed.  “I know.  Don’t worry, I will.”

“Who’s house is this, anyways?” Her manager asked as he watched his “child” exit the van.

Amber peaked her head back into the car before shutting the door.  “His name is Jay.  He’s my best friend from high school.  I’ll see you later.”

She waved the van goodbye and sighed, letting her true expression appear on her face.  Amber couldn’t let what was really bothering her show on the outside—her managers were quick enough to notice anything and everything.  She sighed again as she walked to the front door.

Before Amber could ring the doorbell to Jay’s house, it already opened with the figure standing on the other side.

“Hurry up inside, it’s freezing,” Jay said as he pulled Amber inside his house.  Amber chuckled at his shivering, considering the wind was blowing and he wasn’t wearing a coat—just red plaid pajama pants and a plain white tank top.  Eros was seen in the living room couch, occupied by his laptop.  He turned his attention to the door seeing the ruckus and smiled.

“Hey, Am,” he called out getting up from his seat.  Amber had taken off her shoes and laid her winter coat on the nearest arm of the big sofa Eros was just on.  She hugged her friend and patted his back.

“It’s good to see you,” she said with a laugh, feeling the latter hug her so tight.

Eros feigned an over dramatic cry.  “I mean, I saw you like over a week ago but it feels so much longer than that!”  He let go and wiped away a fake tear, making the other two laugh.  He switched to a genuine smile.  “I like your new song, by the way, it’s awesome.”

Amber smiled as her and Eros took a seat on the big couch that was facing the television that Jay had .  Jay took a seat adjacent to the couch arm that had Amber’s jacket, sitting on a one-seated grandfather chair.  “Thanks, I appreciate it,” she said, stretching her legs out.  She leaned back into the couch, her head resting back, eyes to the ceiling.

“So, what’s up?” Jay asked.  “It’s weird that you called this late, considering you have so much to do now.”

Amber gulped, adding a slow sigh.  She bit her bottom lip and fixed her head to face front.  “It’s about Krystal.”

Jay and Eros looked to the girl in between them and then at each other, the tomboy still looking down.  They heard her sigh.

“Well, what about her?” Jay asked.

Amber scratched her head.  “I don’t know what to do, man.”

“Well… what can you do?” he asked another time.

Eros squinted his eyes.  “Man, you really at this.”

Jay’s mouth dropped in despair.  “Seriously?  I’m trying my best here.”

Amber shook her head.  “No, it’s fine—he’s right.”

Eros scooted closer to his best friend.  “Listen, Am—maybe you’ll have a chance.”  The statement earned a look from the friend next to him, which caused him to clench his teeth in slight nervousness.  He reminded himself that she still didn’t know about the conversation they had that night of the dance a few months back.  “I mean, seeing how she reacted with Vanessa and all, you know what I mean?” he covered.

Amber exhaled roughly and looked at both of her friends.  “Still, that doesn’t really mean anything—”

“How can you be so sure?” Jay piped in.

“Exactly,” Eros added.  “Krystal is very hard to read.  You of all people know that very well.”

“Alright, fine,” Amber said as she waved her hands in front of her.  “But think about it—you do know how hard this would be, right?”

“Yes,” Jay and Eros said.

“Do you see why I’m stuck here?”

“Yeah, but…” Jay paused and looked to Eros, hoping he would read his mind.  Being best friends—that was always easy.  “Are you sure you’re just not looking for some dumb excuse to not go for it?” Eros said.

Amber blinked.  Was she?  She stared at Eros for a minute, hoping to read what else was in his head but couldn’t figure anything out.  She switched to Jay who had the same expression as the latter sitting next to her: sympathy.  She thought for a minute.  She rubbed her face and groaned.

“I don’t know why I’m like this…”

Eros sighed softly.  “You did deny it for a while—God knows how long, actually.”

Jay nodded as a response and put his hand on Amber’s shoulder.  “Michelle did have a point—back when she said what she said over a week ago.  You know, about it being easier since you guys are in the same band?”

“I know—I just—I don’t know.  Maybe it’s because she reminds me of home,” Amber admitted.

The two of her friends blinked, noting the key words Amber never said quite often when they first met her.  Amber Liu never spoke about home.  Jay, Eros and the rest of them thought that it was too hard for her to speak of it, simply because she was away and being homesick was common—especially if you left at a young age.  Then again, she did get a taste of home when her father and sister came to visit her for her debut—that, everyone knew of.  She had expressed through a group text message that same night how astounded she was on her car ride home and couldn’t be any happier.  But being reminded of home—they both wondered why it was such a bad thing—especially adding it under the same label as Krystal Jung.

Amber swallowed a lump that formed in .  And another one.  And another one.  She sighed deeply, hesitating on what she was about to say.  “Krystal… reminds me of my ex… very much…”

Eros blinked multiple times and scrunched his face together.  He wasn’t even Krystal and even he felt offended for a second.  “Vanessa?  Seriously?  Amber, I—”

“No, no,” Amber interrupted.  “Her name is Hope.  Hope Liang.”

Jay raised his eyebrows in surprise.  “Hope?  Who’s she?”

“My first girlfriend.  She and I broke up the night before I left to Korea.”

Jay hummed as a response and sat back in his chair.  “How does she remind you of her?”

“Well for one, Krystal is impulsive,” Amber said with a small laugh.  The other two agreed and also laughed.  “I guess it’s just scary—I fell really hard for Hope, or at least the ‘idea’ of her.”  She felt her face blush lightly.  “Krystal is seriously like—beautiful.  And amazing.  And just perfect—it’s freaking terrifying because I really have hard feelings for this girl,” Amber admitted embarrassingly.

“Wow,” Eros gave out.  “So how long did it take for you to say that straight-forwardly?”

“Trust me,” Amber said with a chuckle.  “It took lots of practice and acceptance.”

“I can imagine,” Jay said. 

Eros exhaled through his nose.  “Am, it’s okay.”

It earned a slow look from the tomboy.  She suddenly had to fight tears from falling her eyes, quickly blurring her vision.  “It’s okay,” she heard him repeat.  “It’s okay that you’re gay.  It’s okay that you have feelings for a girl.  It’s okay that…” He paused.

“It’s okay that you have feelings for Krystal,” Jay finished with a sigh.

Amber lost it.  She quickly found herself dropping her wall—letting her guard down—letting out everything that was bottled up inside her about the matter for so long.  It was exactly like poison extraction—she could feel the pain coming out, slowly getting more and more relieved—she could feel the in denial, the guilt, the frustration—everything pouring out.  And the more she felt it, the louder she sobbed into her own two hands, her upper body crouched over her knees.  Jay reached over and put a hand on her back, while Eros put an arm around her—the both of them giving their silent but helping comfort.  Coming out was never easy for Amber and she knew that Eros and Jay could never understand how deeply she appreciated them more than ever—how much respect she has given them for their simple, yet sincere words.  Because in reality, it really was okay—she couldn’t help it and she knew that.  She never heard anyone give her that reassurance before.  But hearing it for the first time after 17 years of being alive, she could feel a huge load rise up from her shoulders from the power of the words—the power it gave her to accept it—not just the reality of it, but to accept herself.

She sighed after calming down from her sobbing.  She rubbed her eyes, wiping tears away as they continued to fall like a leaking faucet.  “I really don’t know what to do.”

Eros shrugged genuinely.  “I don’t know either, but just play it by ear.”

“Play it by ear?” Amber asked.  She couldn’t help but chuckle at the weird phrase.

“Yeah,” Jay said.  “It basically means, do it as you go—you know, go with the flow.”

Amber inhaled as she nodded, slowly exhaling through her nose.  “Yeah.”  She leaned back into the couch.  She added another sigh.

“That’s easier said than done.”