2009 . 09 . 05 – 10:03PM

"You're so skinny."

Amber laughed at the statement as she wiped away her tears of joy, continuing to hug her older sister and father. Her and the rest of f(x) had finished performing their debut and their staff surprised the entire group with the meeting of their family members; relatives as far as Amber's who came from LA to Victoria's relatives who came from China. The room was filled with soft sobs and laughs with small chatter in each corner of the room as each member enjoyed the moment.

"Are you at least enjoying it?" Amber's father asked. The latter nodded. "I told you I wouldn't regret it."

He gave out a weary smile and Amber still felt the hurt she was familiar with when she was first introduced to it upon telling her parents that she auditioned without their consent back in LA. Fortunately, SM really wanted her so they gave it shot seeing how much Amber wanted it.

"I'm really proud of you—we both are," Amber's older sister, Jackie, chimed in. She was always the number one fan supporting her from back home. Amber appreciated that without a doubt. She gave them a big smile and hugged the both of them once again, saying that she loved them.

As she continued to hug them, she made eye contact with one of her members a few feet away from her. The latter smiled. Amber smiled back and she saw Krystal say something to her parents. Soon enough, she saw her and her parents walking towards them. Amber let go of her father and Jackie.  They turned around feeling a presence behind them.

"Dad, Jackie, this is Mr. and Mrs. Jung, Krystal's parents," Amber said pointing towards their direction. They quickly exchanged greetings with bright smiles. Amber's father instantly hit it off with the parents, finally finding a sign of relief that he didn't have to struggle with a language barrier as he stepped off to the side to talk further with the Jung's.

Amber laughed slightly at the sight and saw that Krystal did, too. The tomboy turned back to Krystal and Jackie, grabbing their arms. "Now you two finally get to meet, haha."

Jackie and Krystal laughed. "Yeah that's right," Jackie confirmed. "I've heard a lot about you."

Krystal smiled. "Yeah I've heard a lot about you, too."

"I hope this didn’t give you too much trouble," Jackie joked.

Krystal giggled at the statement while the latter glared her sister. "Dude, really?"

Jackie shrugged and stuck her tongue out.

Krystal played a face. "She has her moments."

Amber dropped in surprise causing the two laugh. "Really guys?"

Jackie and Krystal continued to laugh only to be followed by Amber herself. They then moved on to talking about their debut, Amber's stay in Korea so far and etc. Amber enjoyed seeing her sister getting along with the person who practically saved her life in the new environment she entered. Eventually, though, the family meeting had to call to a halt soon after everyone got the chance to meet everybody's family members. They all made their way to the back entrance where f(x) waited for their van with their family members.

"Amber, can I talk to you for a second?" Her father called out lowly. She nodded while the three of them moved to the side. Krystal noticed quickly and tried her best to eavesdrop, her nosy-self. She failed miserably though as the sound of everyone else's chatter overpowered the Liu's. She did a small double take noticing how serious they all were yet Jackie was the one that seemed to be almost giving off sympathy. Amber was listening to her father, Krystal saw, but she just kept nodding and saying short responses to whatever her father was saying to her. Krystal noticed that Jackie would give her two cents every now and then as she stood between them. What are they talking about?

Before she could continue to secretly look at them while Sulli excitedly continued to talk to the Jung's, she saw Amber turn her head to the van that came to pick them up. All of f(x) bid their farewells to their family members before heading inside—a bittersweet moment they could all never forget.

"You're not going back home to your parent's?" Luna asked as she noticed Krystal get inside the van.

The latter shook her head. "I told them I'd stay with you guys tonight. It's our debut plus we all have to be at the same spot tomorrow."

The car ride back to f(x)'s dorm filled with relief and feedback they all gave each other from tonight's performance. In the midst of the chatter, Amber felt her cellphone vibrate. She fished it out of her pocket and noticed she had received a text message from Krystal, who was diagonally in front of her, sitting in the passenger seat, herself being behind her manager who was driving.

Jung, Krystal (mobile)

Received one minute ago

I need to talk to you when we get to your dorm.

Amber looked into the front mirror and found Krystal waiting for her to make eye contact. The tomboy furrowed her eyebrows at Krystal's eye reflection and texted back the confused approval.

"Make sure you two get some sort of sleep, okay?"

Amber and Krystal gave noises of understanding as they both said goodnight to Victoria. Luna and Sulli had already retreated to their rooms, catching on their precious hours or Z's. Upon hearing the door shut to Victoria's room, Amber turned her attention back to Krystal who was sitting across from her at their dining table. She saw Krystal take a sip of tea as she waited for her to speak.

"Okay, so?" Amber questioned.

Krystal swallowed the rest of what was left in and placed her mug down. "Are you okay?"

Amber's eyebrows scrunched together. She was confused, thinking the topic of whatever was in the younger girl's head would be more serious. "Yes," she answered. "I'm fine. Why?"

"I saw you talking to Jackie and your father earlier."

"When?"

"Right before we left to come back here."

Amber gave out a hum of understanding. She shook her head with a small chuckle, looking down at her hands as she fiddled with her phone. She then looked up at Krystal with a crooked smile. "You never miss anything, do you?"

The younger girl gave out a smile. "I'm just glad you're being more open with me. I think I'll take any chance I get."

Amber smiled at the response. She leaned back into her chair, her smile slowly disappearing as she began to reminisce about the conversation not too long ago. She shook her head.

"My father's just worried."

"About what?"

"Me. Here."

Krystal scrunched her face together. "But he's met everybody who takes care of us."

The androgynous girl shook her head. She leaned forward into the table. "No, no," Amber said in Korean, hoping to emphasize the topic. She switched back to English. "Me being here. As in me being gay here in a—" She paused to find the right words, looking to the side. She cleared . "You know, in a not-so-open-minded country."

"He knows you're gay?" Krystal asked in half surprise, the other half impressed.

"Yeah," Amber replied. She took a sip of her water. "I came out to him a little before I auditioned. It's kind of the main reason why he never wanted me going in the first place." She ran her hand through her hair. "Yeah sure, he wanted me in LA to just study and stuff but the main reason? I'm gay."

"I'm sorry," Krystal said. "Came out?"

"It's the term for when gay people tell their family and friends."

"Ah," the latter replied lowly.

"Jackie was being supportive as always, saying that my main focus was to perform, not let everybody know my personal life to that extent," Amber asserted. She shrugged. "But he still wasn’t comfortable. He brought up how people might find out or how the public would react if they did find out." Krystal saw her let out a sigh. "And then he brought up how Hong Seuk Chun came out in 2000 and his life was a wreck after that."

Krystal felt her heart sink. She remembered how viral the news got. And she remembered clearly how disgusted her family members were when they heard about it. Krystal herself was a little too young to understand the situation. And when she asked her mother why everyone was so mad, her aunt answered before she did—saying that he "committed a sin." But eventually Krystal grew to understand. And she definitely understood that being gay is not a sin.

"He just wants me to be careful," Amber said as she broke Krystal's train of thoughts. The latter hummed a response. The tomboy shrugged. "He said people can do some crazy things."

Krystal scoffed. "Yeah. Anti-fans get creative. I’ve seen what they’re made of when Jessica debuted."

Amber nodded. "Exactly."

After two seconds of silence, the tomboy stretched and got up from her seat. She finished the rest of her water and threw out the bottle and pointed to the couch. "I'll take the couch tonight, you take my bed," she said. Krystal nodded and gave out a small "Thank you" before getting up and making her own stretches. Amber disappeared for a hot minute, soon returning with a blanket for her new bed in the living room. They said their goodnights and Krystal entered Amber and Luna's room to get her sleep.

An hour passed and Amber still could not simply fall asleep at this point. She hated her insomnia and she was thinking that because she had done more than what she would usually do on a daily basis, she would at least be exhausted. She sighed knowing that she had a long night.

"Sleep is for the weak," she sarcastically said to herself as she continued to stare at her ceiling. Amber looked at the wall clock above the television and saw that it read 2:42AM. She groaned to herself knowing she had to be up with everybody else by 5. And she knew for a fact that this was only just the beginning to being an idol.

Maybe some TV, she thought to herself. So without hesitation, she grabbed the remote from under her that was stuck inside the crevice of the couch and turned it on. She mindlessly flipped through channels, completely uninterested in the info-mercials that played only at night. As she continued to do so, she heard her phone go off. She was taken slightly aback but nonetheless reached for her phone. Amber swallowed the sudden lump that formed in as she read the text message she had received.

Nguyen, Vanessa (mobile)

Received one minute ago

Can we talk? I'm outside your door.

Amber's head ran in circles. She couldn't fathom why she was here at nearly 3 o'clock in the morning. Without answering the text message, she turned the TV off, ran her hands through her hair to make it neater and tied the excess amount in a small ponytail. She made a mental note to take the chance to cut it for her next promotion song later on at the end of the year which was already in the works. Amber quietly crept into her room, trying to make sure she didn't wake up Luna and Krystal who were soundly asleep. She changed her shirt, putting on a grey crewneck on over a plain black t-shirt and kept her black basketball shorts on. She grabbed a pair of black socks and her black Nikes and moved back to the living room to put them on.

Amber held the doorknob, taking a quick sigh before opening it. She stepped outside and found Vanessa leaning against the opposite wall on her side, fiddling with her phone, her legs crossed. Amber silently brought the door close to its notch, leaving only a crack open so she would be able to step back inside without having to use keys. She placed her hands in her basketball short pockets and gave Vanessa a very light crooked smile as a greeting. She really didn't know what to say at this moment.

Vanessa returned a gentle smile as she got off the wall and slowly approached her ex. She wrapped her arms around Amber's shoulders and gave her a hug. The tomboy didn't know what to do at first but eventually out of sympathy, she enveloped her arms around Vanessa's waist and they held the embrace for some time. Amber let go with a low chuckle and scratched the back of her neck.

"You okay?" Amber asked as she leaned back into the wall creating a little bit of distance between the two. In the silence, she could feel the now awkward phase of a post-break-up. Amber observed Vanessa nod, leaning to one side and holding her right arm. She saw the older girl look down, trying to find the words in her mind. As if fishing them out was hard enough. Amber knew herself that she lost feelings for Vanessa but as always, her nice self still felt bad whenever it came to situations like this or similar to this. She could never see herself holding a grudge against the girl—it just wasn’t her style.

"I watched your debut," Vanessa mumbled.

Amber's eyes widened slightly. "Oh," she replied. She cleared . "Thank you...for making it. I guess."

Vanessa gave out a small smile and there went the silence again. Amber swallowed her dry saliva building up, as she continued to watch Vanessa look to the side, avoiding eye contact with her. She began to feel a slight irritation ping at her. She texted her and Amber was still stuck waiting on what she wanted to talk about.

"Vanessa—"  "Amber—"

They both chuckled, the mood changing a little—as they both spoke at the same time.

"You first," Amber said, bringing her hand up lazily to point at her direction.

Vanessa exhaled. "I miss you."

Amber looked down. "Vanessa…"

"I know that what I did was wrong," the older girl added. She gently grabbed Amber's face into her two hands and she felt the tomboy clench her teeth in reflex. Amber avoided eye contact. "And I know that you're an idol now and it would be hard—"

"It would be impossible," Amber interrupted. She found the courage to look into her ex's eyes. She found guilt and sadness in them. But Amber didn't quite find the sympathy for her. She felt the works of her loaded day build on her shoulders, suddenly getting extremely exhausted and extremely drowsy. So much for sleep, she thought to herself.

"I would try to make it work."

"I wouldn't."

"Why not, Amber?" Vanessa shot back, her voice raising slightly.

The latter shook her head as she looked down. She flailed her arms. "I’m telling you, it just wouldn’t."

"You wouldn't even want to try?"

"No."

"I already learned my lesson and I would never do it again."

Amber sighed roughly, suddenly feeling annoyed. "It's more than about you hitting me and treating me like a piece of sh*t."

"Then what?!" Vanessa screamed.

Amber clenched her teeth, cherishing the silence that filled the air. She was kind of hoping no one heard the change of volume as their voices echoed down the hallway of the apartment building. She looked to the side not knowing what to say. Vanessa was indeed a great girl, the only big issue was the abusing. If she gave Vanessa a shot, things maybe would work out. Amber found herself holding back a little too tightly and it's where she began to question why.

"It's Krystal…isn't it?"

"What?" Amber asked a little too quickly, turning her head. Her eyes were widened slightly as she furrowed her eyebrows together. "What about Krystal?"

"The reason why you don't wanna get back together," the older girl responded. "You like her."

"I don't like her," the tomboy replied roughly. She shook her head and looked away. She opened slightly to say something else but hesitated. She didn’t really have anything to say. Amber began to feel the knot form up in her insides again and then it hit her. The way she felt when Krystal told her how she felt about her being gay and how she loved her.

Love…

Amber felt a headache develop and she brought her hand up to hold her head subconsciously. She shut her eyes tightly feeling her head become an ancient gong.

"See?" Vanessa voiced. "I know you. You do."

Amber exhaled through her nostrils. "Vanessa, I don't—"

"Keep denying it."

Amber blinked at the blunt statement. She her lips and clenched her teeth. Her frustration grew and it continued to grow rapidly. Why was denying it becoming harder for her? She felt her head go in circles. Amber was attracted to Krystal, she couldn't deny that. But she didn't like Krystal, she couldn't. They're band members. They're f(x). That breaks laws on so many levels in the entertainment world. But when Amber's mind set a different direction, suddenly remembering how her heart skipped a beat when the younger girl held her hand a few hours earlier, she began to feel angry. And the way she caught herself staring at Krystal's lips briefly—

She shook her head. "I need to go to bed," she concluded dryly.

Vanessa nodded in defeat. "I'll see you around."

Amber watched Vanessa leave towards the floor elevator. She stopped in her tracks and slightly turned around towards the tomboy.

"I love you," Vanessa said softly.

Amber sighed shortly as she looked down biting her lip. She gained the courage to look back. "I know."

As she watched her ex enter the elevator and watched the doors close, she felt her knees become weak. She leaned on the wall in front of her, placing both hands against it as she attempted to hold herself up. She turned around and let herself slide down the wall as she groaned. Amber shoved her head into both hands, her knees up for elbow support.

Through the small crack of their apartment door, Krystal saw Amber shake her head continuously, mumbling something to herself but it remained inaudible. She stepped back and turned back around walking slowly into the living room, a hand to her head as she too felt a headache come on. She shook off what she had heard and seen for a second as she focused on making her way back to Amber's bed.

Amber's bed...

Krystal lied down and pulled the covers over her. It smells just like her. She swallowed the several lumps forming in and fought to ease the twists and knots forming in her insides. And she began to question if the twists and knots were actually butterflies. She couldn’t tell at this point. But she knew that she was confused more than ever. Krystal asked herself why it would have mattered if Amber liked her or not, Vanessa was just being jealous she assumed. That would be common sense, it was a no brainer. The more she thought about it, the more frustrated she got. It caused her to question why suddenly...if Amber did like her, why did it make her heart skip a beat if it were true?

Krystal groaned to herself and flailed the covers out of frustration. She brought both hands to her face.

"I can't," Krystal said to herself. "I can't be gay."