2009 . 10 . 28 – 2:36AM

Amber stood still as she paused, hesitating to open Krystal’s door to her room.  She didn’t understand why she was suddenly flustered and why her late night shower caused her to feel the way she was feeling, which to her was completely unexplainable.  She reached for the doorknob and held it in its place.  She inhaled and held her breath as she turned the knob and entered the room slowly, reasoning with herself that the only reason why she was feeling this way was only due to lack of sleep.

Amber exhaled slower than she entered the room as she saw Krystal lying on her side on her bed, her head supported by her right hand, her left hand being used to browse through her phone.  Amber did a small double-take seeing that the girl was quite awake as compared to a few minutes ago before they parted for their shower.  She laid her stuff down next to Krystal’s dresser on the floor and did another take, noticing that there was nothing in the space next to Krystal’s bed—where was typically where she would sleep during their sleepovers. 

“Um…” Amber let out, her eyebrows furrowed together as she pointed to the empty space on the floor.

Krystal looked up and noticed the confusion on her best friend’s face.  “What?”

Amber furrowed her eyebrows more.  “Did you forget, or?”

Krystal shook her head and went back to looking at her phone.  She locked it and placed it on the end table next to her bed and scooted closer to the wall, leaving space on one side.  “Nope.  You’re not sleeping on the floor.”

Amber took a step closer, a hand in mid-air to justify her confusion.  “So where am I sleeping?”

Krystal chuckled and patted the space next to her.  The latter raised her eyebrows but quickly went back down as she tried her best to remain calm—trying her best to forget what she kept thinking about in the shower, as ironic as any of this could possibly be.

“I’ve been having you sleep on the floor for too long,” Krystal chimed in as she reached to get under the covers and gave more space available to Amber.  “Plus we had a long day and I know your body is wrecked.”

Amber bit back a sigh of defeat.  Krystal was right.  There was a reason why they got their little break and she was sure she wanted to use it correctly.  And so, sullenly, Amber nodded at Krystal’s statements and began to move forward to the bed.  She got under the sheets and felt the bittersweet relief of being able to lie down.

“You okay?” Krystal asked seeing the interesting reaction.

Amber turned her head to face the younger girl who was again leveled on her hand for support.  She never realized how close she was to the girl in the bed, noticing how much she underestimated Krystal’s full-sized bed being perfectly big enough for the both of them for their bodies not to touch, but she was wrong on that.  It didn’t stop their bodies from colliding and grazing the other at least once.

She nodded, “Yeah, I’m fine.”  She added a chuckle.  “I almost forgot how comfortable it is to lie down after a long day, haha.”

Krystal gave out a small laugh and laid down onto her back.  “True.  Can you turn the light off by the way?”

“Sure,” Amber replied, reaching over to the end table and turning off the lamp.

After turning off the lamp, both Krystal and Amber settled themselves into the bed.  They both tried their best to avoid rubbing against one another, Krystal making sure she gave enough space to Amber without being buried into the wall next to her and Amber making sure she just didn’t make anything weird.

As she awkwardly stood still in her spot, hoping it was a good spot to release a relaxation, she still felt uncomfortable.  She had hoped it didn’t give away that much, but it did.

“Are you okay?” Krystal asked again as she herself settled on her back, slightly turning her head to face her tomboy friend.

Amber cleared and nodded, even though she was quite sure the girl didn’t see her in the dark that clearly.  “Yeah, I just…I guess it’s been a while since I’ve lied down in the same bed with someone else.”

There was a silence in the air for five seconds and Amber could already feel the tension at her response.  “Has it been really?” she heard Krystal emphasize lowly.

Amber already knew where the younger girl was going at with it, following it by a small and short sigh through the mouth.

“No—it’s not,” Amber adjusted herself onto her left side, her left elbow supporting her body, “I just mean—like, not in a…” she paused trying to find the correct words, feeling herself tread on ice.

“…Not in a romantic way?”

“Right,” Amber responded.  She shook her head vigorously.  “But I mean, not that it would be bad—I mean like nothing weird by it, but just, you know, we’re best friends and—“ A sigh.  She forced a chuckle out as she hung her head low, feeling exhaustion win over her.

“I’m sorry,” Krystal said lowly.

“No,” said Amber.  “I’m sorry.”

Amber looked at Krystal, having a better vision in the dark as her eyes adjusted to the change in light—a bonus included with the moonlight peeking through the blinds of her window.  Krystal looked back and knew that the two of them were making eye contact, letting Amber know she was listening.

“I’m sorry I almost ended our friendship over her,” Amber said.

“I know,” Krystal replied.  “Why are you saying sorry, again?”

“Because we’re actually alone and I never really personally said it to you like this.”

Krystal’s mouth fell slightly agape, looking for words.  She felt that ping in her side, the twist in her insides again—the feeling she always got whenever she got a weird aura pouring out of Amber.  It was always something so similar to this—to how Amber looked at her and made eye contact with her, how Amber’s voice dropped a few octaves and down a few volume notches just so only Krystal could hear it—and how Amber made her heart beat in this way that Aiden failed to do so.  But why was she comparing Amber to Aiden?

“Aren’t you tired?” Amber asked, interrupting Krystal’s thoughts.

Krystal blinked.  “I…don’t know.”

The latter chuckled.  “How do you not know?”

Krystal made a face and flicked the tomboy’s forehead.  “Stop, I just don’t, okay?”

Amber laughed.  “Okay, okay.  Sorry.”  She laid back down and placed her hands behind her head.

Krystal rose up and rested on her right side, mimicking Amber five seconds ago.  “Amber,” she called out.

“Hm?” Amber responded turning her head to face the girl.

“Why do I get the feeling that you don’t really sleep at night?” she asked.

Amber paused thinking of what to say.  She had to give it to the younger girl—she caught on more often than she used to nowadays.  “Why do you ask?” she let out.

Krystal shrugged.  “I just noticed that ever since our debut, you’re the only one who doesn’t look like they’re going to die from lack of sleep.”

Amber chuckled.  “Oh, trust me, I feel like I do sometimes.”

The younger girl smiled.  “So…?”

Amber sighed slowly.  “I have insomnia.”  She added a shrug, “I just can’t fall asleep sometimes.”

“How come?” Krystal asked.

“I don’t know,” Amber replied.  “All I know is that it started when I realized who I was and started to accept it.”

“You mean, being gay?”

“Right.”

“Which was when?”

“Oh,” Amber said with a small laugh.  “That was still back when I was in LA.  Maybe like, when I was 13?  14?”

“You realized it when you were that young?” the latter asked with curiosity.

“Kind of,” the tomboy responded.  “A little younger, actually—I just knew that I was…different.”

“How would you know?”

Amber shrugged.  “You just kind of know, I don’t know how else to explain it to you.”

Krystal hummed a response, not knowing what else to say and laid back down.  She gave up trying to avoid things being uncomfortable and just stayed still on her side, her right temple barely grazing Amber’s elbow.

“You really don’t care, huh?” she heard Amber say.

“Care about what?” she asked.

“About me being gay.”

Krystal stayed quiet at the statement.  Of course, she didn’t care, so why would Amber ask and reconfirm with her that she didn’t?  And why couldn’t Krystal just agree once again that she did not in fact care.  A part of her asked herself if she really did care—but she didn’t.  But she did care about whether or not Amber was seeing someone else for some oddly manner.  She did care about how horribly Vanessa treated her, and of course Krystal cared about a lot of other things—Amber being one of them.  She cared about her and everyone else’s health, she cared about her sister’s well-being in Girls’ Generation, she cared about being compared to her sister too often and wished she wasn’t and was only seen as Krystal—oh yeah, Krystal cared.  But did she care about Amber being gay?

“No, I mean, why would I?” Krystal asked.

“I don’t know,” Amber said.  “Most people would.”

“Well, you know I’m not like most people, Am,” the latter replied.

“I know, I know,” Amber said.  Krystal heard her exhale.  “It’s just—it’s tougher over here in Korea, you know?”

“Back home it’s more lenient?” Krystal asked.

She heard Amber nod through her pillow.  “It’s different,” she heard Amber say.  She heard a sigh escape Amber’s mouth.

“It makes me miss home.”