2010 . 01 . 01 – 1:40AM

Continuous cheers and laughter were heard in one of the practice rooms in the SM building.  All groups, trainees included, as well as the staff members of SM Entertainment were still celebrating the New Year.  A figure sighed to herself, quickly grabbing her jacket followed by exiting the practice room to get some air.  She managed to escape the loud jeers and chatter from her other label-mates without anyone noticing and she was thankful—thankful that no one noticed—thankful that she could stop putting up a face, simply pretending that everything was great.  She sullenly headed towards the direction of the company building’s rooftop, lost in her thoughts—each step continuously becoming heavier by movement.

Krystal fought with herself.  She began to think that maybe she was just being over-dramatic.  Generally speaking, things were going great—company sales were amazing.  Her and the rest of her group’s popularity was consistent in their movement—their popularity skyrocketing day by day.  Despite the lawsuit issue with Jaejoong, Junsu and Yoochun things were great.  Everyone was happy.  Krystal sighed to herself as she slowly reached the top of the stairs and to the entrance of the company rooftop.

She wasn’t happy.

Krystal zipped up her winter coat feeling the breeze rush through her upon opening the heavy metal door.  She hugged herself for independent warmth.  She headed towards the railing bordering the entire rooftop and leaned on it, taking in the city skyline of Seoul.  She sighed slowly, starting to feel more relaxed.

She closed her eyes, taking in the subtle noises from the city at the bottom and the whispers of winter’s wind blow through her.  Krystal opened her eyes again, being sure to make use of the relaxing sight—and almost the relaxing silence.  She could finally hear her own thoughts, away from the loud music and happiness of her other peers and authoritative figures within the music industry.  Krystal stuffed her hands into her coat pockets and added another sigh.

“Needed a break, too?”

Krystal slightly jumped at the sudden voice, turning her head to the right.  She chuckled at her own reaction, as well as seeing her fellow label-mate’s reaction—Leeteuk.

She nodded.  “Something like that.”

He nodded, as well with a gentle smile.  “I don’t blame you.  They’re getting loud in there.”

“I’m surprised you’re even out here,” the younger girl piped in.

She saw Leeteuk lean against the railing she was leaning on, only a couple of inches away.  Leeteuk shrugged.  “Everyone is full of surprises.”

“Yeah,” Krystal agreed.  “You’re right on that one.”

The small statement that came from her senior made chills travel through her body.  Because of course, everything seemed to turn back to the one person she was trying not to think about—Amber.  Amber was indeed full of surprises; she knew that herself way too seriously.  The word “surprise” was too much of an understatement for the tomboy, anyways.

Krystal took a small glance at her “older brother,” quickly noticing him, as well, taking in the night city skyline, his back still against the railing, his head turned with a serious facial expression.  Krystal could never appreciate Leeteuk enough for the simplest and most extravagant things.  Her and Jessica were relatively close to Leeteuk, considering how long the both of them have been in SM, along with Leeteuk and his own fellow band member, Heechul.  She remembered the night of her debut how Leeteuk couldn’t stop saying how proud he was of his “little sister,” insinuating how much she had grown up and how she was becoming such a beautiful young lady and that if she was having boy trouble, she should feel free to approach him about it.

Krystal mentally scoffed.  How she wished the boy trouble part was true.  Because maybe things would be normal—things wouldn’t have to be so heartbreaking for the young girl.

“Are you okay?” Leeteuk asked as he continued to look into the city skyline.

The statement paused Krystal’s train of thoughts.  She hummed a response.  “I guess.”

Leeteuk chuckled.  “You guess?”  He shook his head.  “What’s wrong?”

Krystal shrugged and went to look at Leeteuk, the two of them making eye contact.  “I guess a lot of this is overwhelming.”

“Mmm,” came out the response.  “You’ll eventually get used to it, as sadly as that is.”  He looked back into the city skyline and added a sigh.  “You’re not so good at lying, too, though.”

Krystal blinked at the statement and cleared silently.  “I’m not lying.”

Leeteuk smiled.  “You sure?”  He chuckled.  “I’ve known you since you were at least 6-years-old and you want to lie about you not lying?”  He made a face and leaned over to nudge Krystal with his elbow, the latter giving out a small laugh. 

“Wrong answer,” he said.  “Try again.”

Krystal’s face dropped.  She knew exactly what was wrong.  But was she able to tell him about it?  Was she able to come out, with only so little time of being able to accept it within herself?  How basically, Amber and her confessed their feelings and made out at a club they were never supposed to go to, anyways?  And how right after, Amber just basically ran away because she was terrified after what happened?  She sighed, still staying silent.  Leeteuk caught it.

“You know that you can tell me anything, right?” he asked.

Krystal hesitated, but still nodded slowly.  Krystal on one-hand couldn’t even be mad—Amber was very much entitled to run away because in the long run, she was right.  What happened to them that night—the confessions, the intimate dancing, the kiss, the everything—in the long run, it was all… wrong.  Krystal brought her arms to her chest, substituting the pressure from leaning on the railing.  She looked down at her folded hands.  When it happened, Krystal was torn—hurt—angry about just everything and anything that dealt with the two of them.  However, as the days went by after the incident, Krystal grew to just be upset… still hurt from the issue.  Krystal herself knew that if she was the bold one and had did what Amber had done—she would have ran away, too.

It was one thing to be gay in the K-pop industry—but it was a completely different thing to be gay and be in a romantic/ual relationship with another band member in the K-pop industry.

“Is this a boy issue?” Leeteuk asked with a little chuckle, trying to lighten up the mood.  He couldn’t bear to see someone he knew very well be hurt—especially when silence was the only answer from the other end.  He added another chuckle after seeing no reaction.  “I mean—or am I just over-thinking this and being over-protective, because I will kill him if it is.”

Krystal couldn’t help but laugh.  She shook her head.  “No, it’s not a boy issue,” she lowly emphasized.

Leeteuk didn’t catch on.  “Okay, so then what is the issue?”

Krystal remained silent.  She chewed the inside of her cheek, feeling her heartbeat pick up.  Leeteuk thought for a minute as he observed the younger girl fidget in place.  He blinked.

“No, it’s not a boy issue.”

Boy issue.

Boy issue?

“Wait,” he spoke out.  It earned a look from the girl.  Leeteuk saw her swallow.  “Unless…”

Krystal bit back a sigh.  “Unless, what?”

Leeteuk slightly scrunched his eyebrows together, continuing to look into the city lights.  “Well… you said boy and well, I mean… if it’s not a boy thing then…” he paused.  “I mean—no judgment you know?  I’m just trying to be open-minded and—” Krystal swallowed hard only assuming where he was going with this.  Leeteuk cleared his throat.  “I just mean that you’re growing up and maybe you’re starting to realize that—uh well—” A cough.  “I guess, girls?”

“No,” Krystal said a little quickly.  “Oh, God.”  She shook her head and held it.  “No, I mean—I just—”

Leeteuk could feel himself blush out of awkwardness.  “There’s really nothing wrong with it, you know?”  He held his hands out.  “I actually know Hong Seokchun really well—you know, he’s not a bad guy!”

“No, just no—I mean, just—oh my god,” Krystal blurted out in embarrassment.

Leeteuk hesitated for a moment.  He put a hand on her shoulder.  “Soojung.”

Krystal got out of his touch.  “No, really.  It has nothing to do with girls.”

“There really is nothing wrong with it, you know,” he pleaded.

“Of course,” Krystal replied with a feigned smile.  “I just—that’s not me.”

Leeteuk blinked at the statement.  He continued to observe Krystal as she mentally slapped herself numerous times consistently for already denying that she was gay—if only it was easier said than done.  Krystal cleared .

“I should head inside.”

Before Leeteuk could reply, Krystal turned around and started heading for the door.  He felt bad.  He shoved his hands into his coat pockets and breathed a puff of air out.  It’s not like he knew for sure—of course, Leeteuk was in fact just being open-minded and he took a shot at it.  Krystal was at the brink of age where things were in the grey area—he’s been there, he’s seen it happen to his friends.  Maybe she really isn’t.  He sighed, remembering how even he started to notice the topic of “KryBer” becoming a little too hot nowadays.  Fans will be fans, which is what he would always think—hell, he knew the crazy pairings his fans would link with the rest of Super Junior.  But observing Krystal and Amber tonight at the party—they were the only two who did not interact with each other unless it was necessary—and he picked that up really quickly.

Without any time wasted, Krystal left the rooftop and entered back into the building.  She headed down the stairs and was hoping to reach her sister that was—hopefully—still at the company party.  Going into the hallway of the practice rooms, she paused for a moment feeling another presence approaching her.  They both stopped and stared at each other for a moment.

“Hey,” Amber said lightly.

“Hey,” Krystal replied back in less volume.

Krystal looked away after the small kill-worthy silence.  She held her left arm as she began to feel small and vulnerable.  She just denied that she was gay and that nothing was bothering her and the person with the one thing that was bothering her—was right in front of her.

“Um,” Amber began.  She cleared .  “Our manager is looking for you.  He’s gonna take us home now.”  The statement earned a look from Krystal.  Amber swallowed.  “Key said he saw you leave so—I just thought.”  A forced chuckle.  “Yeah.”

“What made you decide to go to the roof?” Krystal asked.

“I know you go there when you want to clear your head,” Amber answered.

Krystal looked away, again.  She chewed the inside of her cheek.  She suddenly found herself reliving the familiar stance the both of them were in—moments before they had their first kiss in a hallway—except it was at a club with civilians and where they were now was the SM building with their label-mates.  That was the difference.  For a moment in the time continuum both Amber and Krystal forgot that they were celebrities.  They forgot that they were idols.  They forgot that they were Amber Liu and Krystal Jung of f(x).  For a moment there—they thought that they were regular teenagers—they thought that they were regular teenagers finally accepting who they were as people; as their own persons.

But here they were—in their industry building; the building that made them popular in Korea and in foreign countries, too.  The building that was in charge of them—that held all their records, that made their songs, their dance moves—their everything.  Amber and Krystal couldn’t even control most of the stuff—if not any; it frustrated them that they couldn’t even control their feelings—the one thing that maybe, just maybe could be in their hands.  But it wasn’t.  It was never that simple.

“I’m just gonna go find Jessica and stay with her tonight,” Krystal said bluntly.  She began to walk passed Amber, not expecting nor wanting to hear another word—feeling tears form in her eyes.  She was stopped as she felt Amber gently grab her arm as she was about to pass her.

“Don’t go home with Jessica tonight.”

Krystal could feel the androgynous girl’s eyes on her but she refused to look back.  “Why?” she asked.

“Because.”

Krystal got out of Amber’s light grasp by shaking her arm away.  “Because what?  Besides, no one is home at my house so I’ll just stay with her.”

Amber turned to Krystal.  “No.  Please.”

The low pleading caused Krystal to mimic Amber.  “For what?”  She questioned aggressively and scoffed.  “Seriously?  You have been avoiding me since the night of Erika’s birthday and I am so sick and tired of having to pretend that everything is alright and—”

Krystal blushed immediately after being cut off, feeling Amber’s lips crash into hers.  She closed her eyes subconsciously, giving into the kiss but after a few seconds, she pushed Amber off of her abruptly, feeling her senses creep back into her.  “See?!” she exploded.  Amber swallowed and ran her hand through her hair out of frustration.  “What the hell are you doing?  This is what I mean!” Krystal continued.  “I’m not some toy you can play with when you’re bored, Amber.”

“I never said you were,” the tomboy responded quickly.  She sighed, slightly putting her hands up in defense.  She closed her eyes.  “Just—please.  Give me a chance to explain.”  Amber took a chance and held Krystal at her arms.  She swallowed before she could let any guilty word-vomit pour out.  “If you don’t want to go back to the dorm with me, at least let me come home with you so we can just—I don’t know—just talk this out.”  She sighed again.  “Krystal—I-I—just—please.  Alright?”

Krystal clenched her teeth but she could still sense the genuine nervousness Amber was giving off.  She nodded slowly.  “Fine.”

3:01AM

The sound of the front door opening and closing creaked through Krystal’s house as both her and Amber entered.  They silently took off their shoes and hung their jackets in the nearby closet.  Krystal began to head for the staircase, Amber beginning to follow—but suddenly stopped in her tracks and turned around to face her tomboy crush.

She folded her arms.  “Well?”

Amber swallowed a familiar lump that formed her in throat and exhaled through her nose.  She held the younger girl’s stare for a few seconds.  She heard Krystal sigh roughly and saw her gesture towards upstairs.  They proceeded in going up the stairs and entered Krystal’s room.  Amber stood at the doorway while Krystal’s arms still remained folded.  She turned around and glared at Amber, waiting for her to say what she needed to say.

“Soojung,” Amber began, hoping to add emphasis on the situation.

Krystal grimaced.  “Don’t call me that.”

The latter blinked.  “What?  Why?”

Krystal shook her head, her face lightening by a little.  “I don’t like hearing it coming out of your mouth.”

Amber blinked again, slightly feeling offended.  “But,” she said, “You’ve been telling people that you like it better when people call you by that.”

“I didn’t tell you that.”

“Well, yeah—but that’s because we haven’t been on great talking terms.”

“Doesn’t mean I want you calling me that.”

Amber exhaled through her nose.  “You’re confusing me.”

Krystal rolled her eyes lightly and shook her head again.  She took a seat on her bed.  “You’re not getting it,” she confirmed softly, grabbing the tomboy’s eyes.

Amber stepped into the room and put her hands in her pocket, standing a few inches away from the younger girl.  She looked down at her and they continued to hold the stare.  “Clearly,” she agreed.  She looked away briefly and her lips, feeling them become dry from the rising anxiety in her.  Amber took a seat next to Krystal on her bed.  She put her elbows on her knees, her head into her hands and rubbed her face.  She released a pitiful sigh and looked to the girl next to her.

“I’d rather hear “Krys” come out of your mouth,” Krystal said.

Amber scrunched her eyes.  “Why?”

“It makes my heart skip a beat.  It’s special—having to hear it come from you and only you,” the latter confessed.  Krystal looked down to her hands and sighed lightly.  “That hurt, you know?”  Amber made eye contact.  “When you just left.”

“I know,” Amber began.  “But—”

“But,” Krystal interrupted.  “You had the right to.”

“What?” Amber surprisingly asked.

“It’s true,” Krystal asserted.  She threw herself back and landed her back on her bed.  Amber did the same, except softer than the girl next to her.  They looked to each other, their faces finally revealed with their true emotion—hurt.

“I don’t get it,” Amber said.

“Neither do I,” Krystal agreed, although she was referring to the whole general aspect of what was happening to them.  “But what I do get—what I do understand is that—” she paused and bit her lip, looking away for a brief moment.  She captured Amber’s eyes once again.  “Is that I like you.  A lot.”  She exhaled air through .  “I have really strong feelings for you.”

Amber could feel her heart pick up in her ears.  She swallowed the sudden excitement and happiness that entered her upon hearing those words.  She got up briefly to rest on her right elbow, scooting closer to the younger girl and looked down at her.  “So do I,” she confirmed.  She chuckled.  “It’s just—I didn’t know what to do.  I panicked.”

Amber saw Krystal nod and look to the ceiling.  “I know.”  She sighed.  “Am—this is really hard.”

“I know,” Amber repeated lowly.

“I just started accepting myself for God’s sake,” Krystal continued.  She exhaled through as she could feel her limbs go numb and her heart beat pick up with a mixture of different emotions—frustration and excitement included.  “You didn’t just kiss me for no reason that night, did you?” she asked.

Amber shook her head immediately.  “Of course not.”  She shut her eyes and swallowed.  “I-It was a spur in the moment—but I swear that I meant it.  I meant all of it to happen—I—” she paused.  “I mean all of this to happen.”  She gently caressed Krystal’s cheek, to which the latter closed her eyes, giving into the touch.  Amber softly turned Krystal’s face to face her and they both made eye contact, the tomboy’s eyes softening with genuine love and care.  “I want all of this to happen.”

Krystal could feel the familiar twists and knots in her insides again, seeing Amber look at her the way she was looking at her.  And she finally realized that they were butterflies—genuine butterflies in her stomach frolicking and flying in the deep meadow where the grass was green and the sky had five rainbows.  She mentally chuckled at the thought, considering the rainbow was a symbolic sign for homoual people.  It was one in many times—but rare times—where she saw this look; the look of real care and love.  She could feel it pouring out of the tomboy’s pores and all she truly wanted to do was just hug her—have her hold her and have a chance to hold Amber in her arms, as well.  In reality, after a long time coming, she realized that even though Amber was a tomboy—even though Amber did dress boyishly—she found herself looking at her with tighter clothing during photo-shoots and performances.  There were no gender roles in Krystal’s head.  She knew some fans automatically put the “male” role on Amber when they would pair the two of them up—but she didn’t care for that.  As much as she had hoped, she could only assume by what was happening that Amber wanted to hold Krystal in her arms—and that she wanted to do the same.  She wanted to take care of Amber as much as the latter did.

It was terrifying for the both of them—Krystal especially.  She could feel the guilt rising on her shoulders from lying to Leeteuk about situations earlier, but she had a right to.  It was none of his business and they haven’t spoken since the day of her debut.  But still—she felt the guilt.  She was wrong and right in the moment.

“I want this,” Krystal said after a few seconds of silence.  She reached up to hold Amber’s face.  “I want all of this to happen, too.”

Amber smiled, making Krystal’s heart take another leap.  “So then?”

Krystal held Amber’s gaze for a moment, the two of them taking in the silence that was around them—a silence that they never got often as individuals—a silence that they knew would never get as often as a couple.

She sighed slowly.  “I’m scared, Am.”

Amber nodded lightly.  “I know.  Me too.  But I can’t fight this any longer.”

“Neither can I,” Krystal agreed.  “We have to be really careful, Amber, you know that right?”

“Yeah,” she answered.  She played a face.  “So wait, we’re really doing this?”

Krystal couldn’t help but laugh at the obnoxious smile on her partner’s face.  She reached up slowly and gave Amber a light kiss on the lips.

“Yes,” Krystal replied.  “We’re really doing this.”