A/N:

hey guys!!

sorry for the long hiatus... *bows* i don't even know what's wrong with me..

to be honest i had a hard time writing this chap cuz i don't know how to do it... i have the idea but i just don't know how to write it down... sooo after watching onkey vids i finally got it!! yay! i hope you guys aren't mad or something... i actually thought i already lost subscribers but thankfully i didn't!! thank you!! <3 i hope you guys like this new chap!! off to finish the other updates for my other fics!!

- immaLocket029

PS: missFearless24 (i hope i got it right and you haven't changed your name yet, >_<) i apologize if your request isn't up yet but i promise i will do it... *i hope you're not upset :)) 

(i'll edit this later cuz i'll be in ottawa for the weekend... i just hope there's wifi in the hotel)

Going through these gates with my belongings in hand, it felt as though I was being exiled to some unknown place. I've been here more times I can remember, going through the same gates, seeing the same interior, and meeting the same person who will be driver for the rest of my stay. Everything is looked the same except for what I feel and the fact that my stay is indefinite. Back then, coming here was something I have to do, a neutral feeling since I'm only meeting people for business purposes and nothing else. I would come and stay for a couple of days then leave once I'm done. But this time I’m here because I wanted to escape the reality that suddenly became so cruel to me and it’s because of it that I start to hate practically everything around me.

This place used to be beautiful in my eyes but now I see it as hell. I have no idea how long I'm going to be here and that fact scares me. I'm not allowed to come home when I want to and even without me knowing it I know that there are people already watching me. As soon as I stepped out of the airport I immediately saw the familiar face of the man who always picks me up when I come here to London, that same welcoming smile on his face as though he was here to pick up his own son. Harris is a kind, old man. Ever since he started working as a driver for me, even though we only see each other whenever I'm here for a business trip or a short vacation, he's always treated me nicely. I returned the gesture as I headed towards him, giving a brief hug before the two of us placed my belongings inside the car's trunk and got in.

"It's nice to see you again, Mr. Jinki," he said while looking at me through rear view mirror.

Harris and I talked for a while, him asking me questions that I think are just out of courtesy such as 'How have you been?' and other things that have happened to our lives recently. Of course I kept the details to a minimal as I don't want him to know about the suffering I've gone through that resulted to me ending up here. As usual he's made it obvious how thrilled he was that I am once again here and will be staying for a while. Even though I tried to be as involved into the conversation I can only think about what's ahead of me. It feels like being a new student who transferred to another school, seeing new faces that I will have to get accustomed and the new environment that I will have to live with for who knows how long. But I'm not new here. It's just the way things are and how I feel that is making this place strange and new to me.

The skies weren't as clear as I expected it to be. In fact, it's already dark even though it's only past four in the afternoon. The roads are wet and people are walking with umbrellas above their heads. I left Seoul and the snow only to be greeted with London and winter rain and just by looking at the moisture on the car's window I only felt even worse. I feel like I can already see what's waiting for me just by looking outside - dark and very lonely – and I had to fight that part of me that wanted to take over the car’s stirring wheel so I can turn the car around and head back to the airport.

But of course, even if I did that I know that my father will have people guarding every corner of the airport the minute he finds out about it just so I wouldn't be able to get back because that's how much of a bastard he is. 

"Sir, we've arrived," Harris said, pulling me out of my thoughts.

I looked outside the window and saw that we've stopped in front of a townhouse. It was modest looking with two floors and large windows, big enough for someone who's going to live all by himself. I felt relieved that my living somewhere else other than the hotel wasn't a lie, even more it was far enough from the company branch I'll be taking over that there would be other things to distract myself with. 

Harris opened the door for me and I got out, a long exhausted sigh leaving me. He handed me a set of keys and made my way towards the door with him following behind carrying my luggage, hoping that there would be something for me to lie down on and sleep off the fatigue. When I opened I was surprised to find that the whole place was already furnished – decorations, high-class furniture, top of the line appliances and everything else I need already in their rightful places. Just seeing every piece of furniture – the black leather couches, dark wood tables, and even the two large paintings on the walls – I could tell that each and every one of it costs more than it should, adding more value to the house. 

I walked in further and examined the rest of it, from the modern stainless kitchen appliances and the marble countertops down to the stained hardwood floors. It felt a little strange knowing that this is going to be my new home that I suddenly remembered my old house where everything was way less expensive than the ones I'm currently seeing. It was neither cheap nor outdated but they were decent enough to make the whole place welcoming and fit my taste. Sure, the house look very impressive but so what? Dad – I mean, President Lee – probably only bought them with the thought that it might lessen my anger towards him, that I'll think I've made a mistake and beg him to come home. Too bad that's not how it's going to be. I don't care how much money he spent to pay for all of these because it's not going to change anything. There's nothing he can do to change or take back what he did because it's already too late. 

"Mr. Jinki," Harris called and I walked back into the living room. "I know that you must be exhausted after the long flight but I was told that after you've seen the house you are to be taken to the office right after. The Chairman wants you to meet your new colleagues and take a brief tour of your new workplace."

"What about my belongings?" I asked, loosening the wool scarf around my neck. "Can I at least unpack them and put them away before going?"

"Everything that you've sent ahead of you arrived yesterday afternoon and the Chairman already had people put them away. Only your belongings that you brought with you today are the ones that only needed unpacking and of course, while you are at the office there will be someone who will do it for you so there's nothing for you to worry about when you come home later but to get some rest."

I was in complete disbelief. "Hold on, does that mean that whenever I'm gone, there will be people coming here to do whatever my father asks them to do? Cleaning ladies to clean the whole house? Chefs to cook for me? Secretaries coming in and out of those doors using the keys my father probably gave them to take and leave documents for me? Even securities to monitor every single thing I do? Is that it? This is his plan of letting me be on my own? His definition of freedom?"

My voice rose in tones as anger immediately filled me and even though I respect the older man in front of me I couldn't help but feel enraged. I saw that he was surprised by my sudden outrage but I just couldn't bring myself to apologize. Instead I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply a few times. As I did I felt a strong urge to throw the antique vase placed on the small table by the doorway towards the large mirror across from me, to throw whatever my hands could reach but despite I couldn't get myself to actually do it. I can only clench my hands as tight as I could possibly do until I begin to feel my fingernails digging onto my palms, my hands trembling.

"Get rid of it," I said through gritted teeth.

"G-Get rid of what, sir?" Harris asked in confusion.

An exhausted sigh left my lips before my eyes opened. "All of this," I said, pointing everywhere around me. "The furniture, the appliances, the decorations, everything including this house; get someone to have my things packed and tell the Chairman I'll be looking for a new place to live myself. I don't want to owe him anything especially now that I'm no longer part of his family." I headed towards the front door only to turn back. "Ah, tell him that I'll be borrowing the car just for today. After seeing all of this, I figured that the other black car parked outside is also mine. Don't worry, I'll get myself a different one using my money and by the end of the day you can just get someone to pick his car up at the office. I'll send you the new address as soon as I found one and all of my things better be there."

I took Harris' hand palms up and dropped the house keys in them, taking the car keys he was holding in his other hand with me and went outside. It was no longer raining but it didn't make anything better for me. Dark skies, slippery roads, freezing winds. My father buying a house, paying for expensive unnecessary furnishings, and a luxurious car. Just what else is there for me until I begin to completely despise this place? Ah, right – being his employee. The least I can do is repay him for giving life to me, for making it possible for me to be where I am now. But then again, he also made it possible to turn my life into a living hell. I guess I have no reason to repay him. In fact, I think he owes me more than I owe him.

~

They walked through the thick wooden front doors of the mansion past noon with Chaeyoung guiding Kibum, her arms around his torso as they headed towards the stairs. "Jonghyun-ah, can you tell the ahjumma to bring Kibum's lunch up to his room?" she asked before walking any further. "He needs to eat first before he can take his medicines. Porridge would be best for now, he just needs something in his stomach and I don't want him to get indigestion since he hasn't been eating properly for days." 

Jonghyun nodded and headed to the kitchen, leaving Jongwoon behind.

From the corners of his eyes he found a figure sitting by the living room. It confused him as to why Youngwoon was still at home when it was already past noon, the latter taking a sip from a china cup. Hesitantly, he took a step and sat down from across his brother. "You're home," he said half-interestedly, his eyes closely watching the older. "That's a little surprising."

"I stay home from time to time," Youngwoon replied casually.

Jongwoon leaned back on the chair he was sitting on. "Well we just got back from the hospital and Chaeyoung already took Kibum up to his room. The check-up went well. Though Kibum will have to take antipsychotics from now on until the symptoms subside and now..."

"I don't see the point why you're telling me this, Jongwoon," Youngwoon interrupted, reaching for the newspaper in front of him knowing very well that he's already read the whole thing twice. "We both know that it's none of my concern so it's useless to tell me such things."

"None of your concern?" Jongwoon asked in disbelief. "Your own son is none of your concern? Alright, let's say that it is not. Just answer me truthfully then: how come you've gone to such extent just to separate him and Lee Jinki apart? To that extent where you even created a temporary alliance with your business rival and use Kibum's life to get what you want? Do you even consider yourself as human, hyung?"

"I'm a businessman, Jongwoon," Youngwoon looked up from the newspaper and sighed deeply. "It's what I do - protect the company. The public now knows about him being my son and if I let the two of them be, it's not going to take long until those people find out about the relation between him and Lee Jinki. And all those people who have been trying to bring me down will use that against me. It will destroy me and the company and I will do just anything to save it. I’m not going to let that boy be the reason of my failure and the business I built and expanded for years to end up in ruins."

Jongwoon felt speechless after hearing what his brother said, his hands clenching on his sides. "What do you really see Kibum as, bastard? For the twenty years that I was away I've always prayed that he's well and everything has changed after I left. When Jonghyun told me of everything that happened and what you did to that boy, God forbid, I actually wished that Kibum was better off dead. That he should've just died just like what that former employee of yours wanted. Do you remember when he surrendered and confessed everything? He knew about Kibum and he did try to kill him as his revenge on you after you fired him just because of one accidental mistake. People who wanted to get revenge against you all want to hurt Kibum because they knew how much you favoured him, and by hurting the one you cherish the most they know that it will be the perfect revenge against you. Ever since he was a child there are people already wanting to hurt him and it's your responsibility as his father to protect him. But what are you doing instead? You're treating as though he was a plague. Do you have any idea how painful it is to see him right now? My heart aches every time I look at him and I know that Chaeyoung and Jonghyun feel the exact same way that I do."

Youngwoon resumed what he was doing and tried to ignore his brother's words, forcing himself not to hear anything and focus on what he was trying to read. But no matter how much he tried his mind still caught every word that Jongwoon said. 

"Kibum's condition is very serious, hyung." Jongwoon leaned forwards and lowered the newspaper that was blocking Youngwoon's face from him, desperation clear on his face. "Be his father. It's still not too late to change. Do you really want to wait until it's too late to do anything? Have you forgotten what Mother left you before she died? Her one wish for you? Take care of Kibum. For twenty years you've disregarded that wish. Haven't you ever thought that by ignoring it that you're failing our mother?" 

"Don't you dare involve our mother in this Jongwoon," Youngwoon hissed, getting up on his feet and grabbed Jongwoon's collar. "Why in the world should I take care of someone who killed her? Does that even make sense? You're trying to tell me to take care of a murderer instead of punishing him?" 

"Kibum didn't kill her!" Jongwoon broke free from the elder’s tight grasp and stood up, his tightly clenched hands trembling in anger as he glared at the latter with wide eyes. "Just until when are you going to keep blaming him for something he didn't do? The truth has already been revealed twenty years ago and you're still denying it! The one who killed her wanted to get revenge on you, hyung. That man wanted to hurt your family because of you, why can't you understand and accept that Kibum is the innocent one? Because of what you did to those people they want to use him against you. They don't care at all even if it means hurting or killing your son because all they want is to get back at you - to destroy you. You yourself brought such fate upon this family by being a cold-hearted and merciless bastard who couldn't care less about other things aside from your goddamn company so you have no right to blame others - especially not Kibum - for what happened to our mother. I've stayed quiet this whole time and I've had it. Open your eyes, Youngwoon. Don't let your family slip away from your hands because I can assure you right now, that time will come if you don't stop being like this. You're being a coward by pushing your mistakes and misdoings to innocent people. Face the truth instead of denying it before you end up losing your own family."

Without waiting for Youngwoon to say something back Jongwoon left the room and out the front door of the mansion, leaving the latter. From the corridor leading to the stairs, Jonghyun heard the conversation between his father and his uncle, his back pressed against the cold cement wall. He already heard the truth before but instead of feeling that pain and anger he felt back then, they were replaced with confusion. He, too, wanted to know why his father couldn't get himself to accept the real truth, why his father couldn't get himself to face the reality that he's been trying to avoid for years. Quietly, he looked into the living room and found Youngwoon standing by the windowsill, the older sighing deeply. 

~

"He still won't eat." 

Kibum heard his mother say nearby. Chaeyoung was sitting beside him, the tray of food between them cooling as he refused to eat. As soon as they were inside the confines of his room he immediately went to the spot he felt the safest: the corner where his bed meets the concrete wall where he had pulled up his legs close to him, his chin resting on his knees. With his eyes closed he pretended he couldn't hear anything, that each word his mother said to him never reached him. Even when they were still at the hospital and after he regained consciousness, he pretended that everything the doctor, his mother, his uncle and his older brother was saying never entered his mind. 

But they still did. 

Kibum heard them loud and clear. He knew that they were talking about him because one of the voices told him so, Chaeyoung's worried glances towards his direction making him uncomfortable. He heard Jonghyun listing the symptoms he had observed the past few weeks that he was supposedly showing and he heard how the doctor agreed and made clear what was going on with him. They made him go through tests without him fully understanding what they were for, asking him questions he didn't want to answer because he doesn't know how to. All of them wanted to know what he was thinking, what he was feeling and if ever he had thought about hurting himself. They wanted him to talk and let them know what's on his mind but another voice told him that they already knew. 

He was silent the whole time but in his mind, he was screaming at them. He doesn't know what he was thinking or feeling but he knew that he had tried to kill himself before. He didn't want to but the voices in his head kept trying to make him, urging him on as though doing so would turn everything back to normal. Everything around him was a temptation. Anything that his eyes landed, the voices were whispering for him to pick it up, break them into pieces, and hurt himself. Even when nothing's in sight, all they wanted was for him to be in pain that they would scream insults at him, mocking him and scorning him. That morning back at the doctor's office, he saw a pair scissors carefully placed inside a tin container along several pens, the temptation to reach for it almost made him scream in agony that he ended up biting his arm through his clothes without everyone around him knowing, the pain enough for his attention towards the scissors to be pulled away.

"Bummie."

From the corners of his eyes Kibum saw Jonghyun come closer towards him, their mother leaving the room. It was the first time since yesterday that Kibum saw his older brother once again even though he knew that he was with them when they left that morning, the noticeable way Jonghyun would distant himself from him the whole time caused him to feel ashamed for lashing out for no reason. 

He pressed his back against the wall just as Jonghyun sat down on the floor in front of him, the distance between them enough for him to feel comfortable in his position. He didn't have to look up to see the older looking at him, the same worried look everyone has been giving him for days no longer affecting him the way they used to. 

"Why aren't you eating?" Jonghyun asked as he pulled the tray closer towards them slowly and gently, not wanting a repeat of what happened yesterday. "Didn't you hear what the doctor said to you earlier? You have to eat, even just a little. You don't have to finish everything you just have to take a few bites and you can stop."

But Kibum kept quiet, keeping his eyes locked on the tray. Moments later, he looked up slightly and in a muffled voice, he said, "If I eat, will you answer my questions?"

Jonghyun didn't have to ask his brother what his questions were going to be, their uncle constantly reminding him to tell the truth once Kibum asks him. "Alright," he said in surrender. "I'll answer your questions if that's what'll take for you to eat something." As he waited, he tried to control himself and thought of the right words he will have to use in order to answer the latter's questions, reminding himself that telling the truth was the right thing to do.

"Am I really schizophrenic?" 

"Yes," Jonghyun sighed shakily, averting his gaze.

"Since when?"

"Mom said you were diagnosed with it when you were about three. Though she doesn’t know if you’ve had a relapse before this one because of the incident." 

"How come no one told me then?" When Kibum's voice became louder, Jonghyun knew that he was getting upset. "This whole time no one told me about it. This whole time every one makes me act like I'm normal when I'm not..."

"That is not true!" Jonghyun exclaimed as he cut the latter off. He saw how Kibum flinched at the tone of his voice and tried to control himself, clenching his hands beside him. "You are normal, Kibum. You've always been normal. No one told you about it because there's no need for it. This whole time you were able to live a normal life, it's just that every thing that happened to you the past couple of months stressed you so much that you're having a relapse. Look at you and everything you've achieved. You're very intelligent and talented and I know that if you strive enough to get through this everything will fall back into place just like how they used to, maybe even better. You have me, and Mom, and Uncle. We can help you if you let us and everything will be better."

Kibum wanted to believe every single word Jonghyun said to him, the hopeful tone in the elder’s voice somehow coaxing him to reach out and get the help they were willing to give to him. But then as more questions pop into his head, each persuasive word disappears as though his brother never said anything at all. It was clear from the way they were worrying about him that his condition wasn't just a simple relapse, of him showing symptoms and his behaviour different. "Who is she? That woman who died because of me. What did I do?" 

Seeing the faint desperation in his brother’s eyes, Jonghyun couldn't figure out what he was really feeling. He felt crushed and helpless that Kibum's mind was filled with thoughts that he's been trying to erase from the minute they found him listening in to Chaeyoung and Jongwoon's conversation weeks ago, thoughts that he wanted gone so Kibum wouldn’t have to feel guilty of doing something he never did. 

"You didn't do anything." Jonghyun moved closer and wiped the tears that began to flow from  Kibum’s eyes, holding back his own from falling. "When you were little, someone tried to hurt you even when you were a good boy, even when everybody loves you. And this woman, she's our grandmother - Dad's mother. She loves you so much, Bummie. She was with you when someone tried to hurt you and she saved you because she doesn’t want you to get hurt. She wants you safe and unhurt. But after saving you she disappeared and no one else saw her again." 

"Because she's dead," Kibum said simply. "Mom and Uncle said she died. Of course no one would see her again."

"I don't want to tell you anything because I don't want you to be sad, Kibum. I know that it must feel frustrating not knowing anything but I don't know how to tell you what you wanted to know. I don't want you to feel bad about something you didn't even do. You weren't at fault for anything."

"Is that why Dad hates me?" 

"You don't have to worry about him, alright? What he thinks isn't really that important. And I want you to stop thinking about everything we've talked about because they're all in the past now. There's nothing we can do about it because it already happened."

But to Kibum what their father thinks was almost the same as being allowed to live. As much as he tried to ignore it the want to be recognized by their father was what pushed him and led him to being a perfectionist. Excelling in his studies, enhancing his artistic skills, and perfecting everything he does, all of it was to make sure than he would finally meet up their father's standards even though his interest towards the family business is nowhere near compared to his passion for art. And learning about the truth only made that dream of being recognized became even further than before, years of effort on the verge of collapsing. 

The two of them sat side by side facing the large glass window as Jonghyun pulled the tray of food closer, giving Kibum the small bowl of porridge. Hesitantly the latter took a bite and Jonghyun felt relieved that he kept his end of the bargain they made. 

"Hyung." Kibum whispered, the bowl resting on his knees. "Does he know?" 

Jonghyun turned to look his brother, confusion masking his face. "Who are you talking about, Bummie?" 

"Jinki... Does he know about it? Is that why he left me? He was mad at me, is it because he knows?" 

Hearing the latter say Jinki's name after a long time surprised Jonghyun. "N-no," he stammered. "No, he doesn't." 

Kibum placed the bowl down and pushed it further with his foot, curling his body tighter until his chin rested on his knees. Silence filled the room and Jonghyun came to realize that somehow, even after what happened and the few months that passed, his brother still thinks about Jinki. Just the thought of it intensifies the burning sensation he was feeling in his pocket where he has been carrying the ring Jinki left for his brother, his mind briefly drifting off to the letter he hid in between his work files. A part of him wanted to ask and confirm it for himself but he knew that he didn't have to. 

The fact that Kibum had and is still having a hard time being back home only proved that he still haven't forgotten about Jinki, of him possibly wondering what was it that made the older leave him as though he never loved him in the first place after saying such words to him. 

~ 

"Mom?"

Chaeyoung looked up from the book she was reading and saw Jonghyun standing by the door of her room. "Yes, what is it? Did Kibum eat?"

"Yes," Jonghyun nodded. Slowly, he walked inside and closed the door behind him. "Can we talk? I just want to know something."

Chaeyoung gestured for her son on the chair across from her, taking off her reading glasses and put down the book she was holding on the table separating them. "What is it? Judging by the way you're acting, I can tell it's something serious."

Jonghyung kept his eyes from meeting his mother's gaze, clasping his hands together. "I told him the truth, Mom. Kibum knows about him being schizophrenic, that he's been schizophrenic ever since then and that grandma died when she saved him. It's what he wanted. He said that he'll eat if I answered his questions and I knew what they were going to be so I just told him want he wanted to know. It's the right thing to do, isn't it? But how come I feel so bothered? I feel like it's not what I should have done."

Empathy and understanding filled Chaeyoung as tears began to fall from her son's eyes. "It's because we've kept it from him for so long. It feels as though the truth should've remained a secret among us. But it is right thing because we're letting him know part of who he really are, that even though it is painful it's what we have to do. You did right thing, Jonghyun-ah. And from we can't and we won't keep anything from him. Kibum deserves to know everything he wants." 

As his mother's words sunk in, Jonghyun then decided to ask the older what's been in his mind. "Earlier, I heard Dad and Uncle talking in the living room. I didn't mean to eavesdrop on their conversation but I couldn't help it. Then I heard Uncle say something. Did Dad really favour Kibum back then?" 

Chaeyoung was caught off guard with the latter's question, their gazes locking. She straightened herself and sighed. "Before Kibum was born, your father was very fond of you. He always wanted to spend time with you that he'd try to finish his work as quick as possible and come home as soon as he could just so he could be with you. As soon as you started talking and walking he would take everywhere with him. At home he would he would talk to you about his work and you listened to him well, the reason why he thought it wouldn't be a bad idea to give his old reports. But then you started to be curious about everything around you, wanting to know what they are and what they do. You lost interest about your father's work and all you wanted was to play. When Kibum arrived, your father's attention landed on him. That time I thought he would finally realize that you're too young to understand what he's making you do but I was wrong. As his way of punishing you for not listening to him, he forced you to learn those documents and since then it's been like that." 

"What about Kibum? As far as I know he's never been interested in business." 

"I really don't know. Back then I thought it was just the striking resemblance between them that drew your father close to Kibum. That time he did the same thing to you, it's just that he was less strict and more careful." 

A forced laugh came out Jonghyun's lips. "I couldn't imagine Dad being kind to Kibum. I mean, I remember reading those reports to Kibum while letting him sit on his lap but they feel surreal." 

Chaeyoung smiled. "Youngwoon always let your brother sit on his lap whenever they're together. First, he'll ask about what Kibum did that day and then they'll be talking about other things until it's time for dinner. Sometimes they'd spend hours talking and playing that they'd even end up falling asleep together. Right there on that bed, your father would be lying down with your brother on top of him and folders surrounding them that I had to gently lift Kibum up and put him in his bed." She began to feel a prickling sensation as tears threatened to fall from eyes, wiping them before they could even fall. "They do feel surreal now, don't they? I still think about those memories, to be honest. My only proof that our family used to be happy and peaceful. But now your father wouldn't even look at Kibum. He couldn't care less about him. They couldn't even be in the same room because your brother's afraid of him. We're broken." 

Jonghyun stood up and walked towards his mother, sitting on the armrest as he consoled the older. The two of them spent the rest of the night talking, both of them realizing that it was the first time in a while that they had such time together. When Jonghyun came back to his room, a small smile appeared on his face. He sat in front of his desk and leaned back, fishing out the ring from his pocket and gently placed it on top of neatly piled books. He took a closer look at the bindings, noticing that they were in a different order compared to how he left them. 

He inspected everything on top of his table and noticed the same things to his things, all of them rearranged. His mind told him that the maids must have cleaned his room and rearranged his things but his instinct told him otherwise. Without wasting another second after listening to his instinct, opened his drawer and pulled out a red folder, hurriedly taking out every single content in it. He scattered them on his table looking for the small blue envelope he hid in between the papers. When he found none he took out every single one of his folders desperately looking for the envelope, anger slowly building up inside him. Right then he knew that his instinct was right after all. 

Jinki's letter for Kibum was now in their father's hands.