When Infatuation Becomes Love

A storyline by infatuatedloveKH

Date Requested: Mar 22, 2014 02:41:09

Review Submitted: April 06, 2014

Title

Your title gives off a fluff feel as first impression. However, as I read your story, I thought of it more of an angst type rather than fluff. If we will decipher the title, it’s not very catchy actually. As most love stories go, infatuation will ultimately become love so it makes your title as “ah okay” rather than catchy. Those readers who are browsing titles may skip it which is too bad because it is a good story.

So I suggest that you think of a better title. Think of a particular scene in the story/significant song/etc to make your title.  Here are some title samples that I think are relevant to your story. You could adapt if you want or maybe you’ll get better ideas.

By Your Side

Stay With Me

Cherry Blossoms

Make Me Forget

But then maybe at the end of your story, you will prove that When Infatuation becomes love is really the title of your story. I’ll wait for it.

Description and Foreword

You have a good description. You had able to draw readers just by reading it.

However, do remove the paragraph that started with “Story will follow more…definitely HAPPY. (because your dear author-me, cannot bear sad endings ^^)” and put it on your foreword instead.

You definitely attracted readers with your foreword too. It gave us a glimpse of Kyuhyun’s feelings for Hyukjae and at the same time you hinted the conflict of the story immediately (that Hyukjae didn’t like gays).  Like what I’ve said a while ago, put “Story will follow more…definitely HAPPY. (because your dear author-me, cannot bear sad endings ^^)” here, after No. Hyukjae detested gays.

Remember to always put the credits on the end of foreword.

Appearance

What is very admirable in this category is the fact that you are consistent with the font used. The poster looks good but I don't understand the thunder effect and what's with the "mark twain"?

Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary:

Since your story is chaptered, I cannot possibly point out all of the errors. However, I will cite some samples. Honestly, you have a very good vocabulary and you knew your tenses. Good job with that.

In Chapter 6, you have decided to approach the story through a script style. This is a big NO when it comes to writing stories. I understand that this approach is to make it easier for readers to go along with the dialogue. But it’s actually quite confusing. I have to go back and forth to your author’s notes to identify who is speaking. Plus, the colors are very distracting. I suggest you put them in proper paragraphs. Never use multi colors and as much as possible use black or gray.

I have also a problem with the sudden change of POV in the later chapters. You have started the story with a third person POV and I suggest you stick with it. You must be very consistent with your POV to avoid confusing your readers and at the same time, to make your story more polished. Change of POVs would have been accepted if you have applied it from the very beginning. But honestly, you are good with first person POV. If only you have started with it, it would have been awesome. But then again, you could apply first person POV to your other stories because believe me when I tell you that you’re actually very good with it, better than third person POV in fact.

Some Grammar Issues

1. Punctuation marks

1. Example:

“Eww…whats that smell!”,

“Don’t worry, Im sure our maknae will be alright.”,                   

Suggestion: “Eww…whats that smell!”

Don’t worry, Im sure our maknae will be alright.”                      

Note: If you have already used the exclamation point (!) and period (.) just before the end quotation, do not use comma after the quotation anymore.

2. Example: “…Aishhh!!!!!”

Suggestion: “…Aishhh!”

Note: It’s not really necessary to put multiple exclamation points to portray what the character is feeling. Use only one as much as possible. If you really want to portray the emotion, it is better to describe it through words. You can use question mark and exclamation point simultaneously like this (?!).

3. Example: YAH LEE DONGHAE

Suggestion: Yah Lee Donghae

Note: Do not capitalize your words as much as possible.

4. Example: ><

Note: Do not use characters like this in your paragraphs. And do not also include brief Author’s notes in the middle of the chapter.

5. Note: I think you have also overlooked the names of the characters. Remember to capitalize them.

Characterization       

Cho Kyuhyun. Before, he was afraid to admit his feelings for Hyukjae for fear of rejection and damage of their friendship. And when they were already in a relationship, he still felt unloved by the other making him feel insecure. Adding Donghae in the scene was enough to keep him very insecure since Hyukjae did loved Donghae and that they were actually bestfriends. Kyuhyun felt that it was something that he cannot share with Hyukjae.

But despite that, he is willing to wait for Hyukjae to love him. I’m actually quite surprised when Kyuhyun agreed when Hyukjae asked his help to forget Donghae. It meant Hyukjae’s feelings for Donghae were not extinguished and yet, Kyukyun is willing to be used. I understand that he loved Hyukjae and that he is willing to wait for Hyukjae to return his love.  But I kind of sees him as martyr and strong-minded. He is willing to wait for Hyukjae even though waiting means heartaches along the way.

His character is well developed. The way you described his emotions was well done, making your readers feel his character.

Lee Hyukjae. What I have understood so far is that he fell in love with Donghae and was broken when the latter engaged in a relationship with another. Sometimes, it made me think if he accepted Kyuhyun’s love to forget Donghae or if he really did love Kyuhyun. I know he cared and was concerned for Kyuhyun’s welfare. He also got jealous with Sungmin.  I felt that I don’t really know him yet. I suggest that you try also to focus on Hyukjae, his emotions, his thoughts, etc.  

Writing Style

What I really appreciate about your style is that you keep your chapters short yet sweet and full of jaw dropping scenes. Writing fluff and angst story is very challenging for any writer out there. But so far, you mixed just the right amount of fluff and angst in your story. A word of advice authornim: I know that as a writer, we tend to please our readers by turning the story to a direction that they want. It’s nice to please them but then again, always remember that this story is yours and that happens in your story depends on you.

What I mean is, when you want to add angst yet you’re afraid that you’ll displease your readers, pause and take a deep breath. Ask yourself: Does this chapter that I will post good for my story? As the writer of my story, do I like it?  Remember and always remember, that a writer writes for himself/herself.

Plot

Even though your story is , your story is realistic. Set in the chaotic world of entertainment industry, you brought realism to the story by portraying the characters as they are (idols). The problems in their relationship are well executed.

One could really feel how the characters feel when they try so hard to hide their relationship for fear that it might ruin their image to the public. Having a seemingly unrequited love in Hyukjae’s part for Donghae is a nice twist, making it clear for the readers that Hyukjae does not really detest gays. Rather, he was confused with his feelings for his bestfriend and was afraid to admit it for fear of destroying their friendship. It must have been painful for him when Donghae was already in a relationship.  

Please do not include mpreg no matter what. Even if readers will ask it of you and you wanted to please them, take note that you would want to make your story realistic. I must say, the scenes are hot enough.

And oops. I noticed the change in Chapter 28. It's a good thing that you explained the situation. Watch out for further 'folly mistakes' and don't feel so bad that you lost some subscribers. They will get back to you and hopefully you can attract more susbcribers in the future.

Overall Enjoyment

I found myself enjoying your story from the description till the last chapter. My fingers were crossed, hoping that you’ll update again soon because I am curious what happens next.

Remember that it is good to ask for feedbacks from our readers. This way, we could maximize our strengths and improve our weaknesses. We will grow as writers. But when it comes to the point that we writers tend to demand our readers to upvote and comment every now and then, it becomes a pressure to us writers and also to our readers. Remember that the purpose why we are writing our stories is for our enjoyment and we would want to see ourselves enjoying writing and improving as writers. But the fulfillment will decrease if we focused on the number of subscribers and upvotes.

The quality of a story is not determined by the number of subscribers and upvotes, but rather how you see yourself improving. Remember also that although karma points will not decrease if one will upvote, a reader will need 25 karma points in order to upvote. Sometimes, it pressures readers when the writer asked for upvotes every now and then. Maybe your readers tried to upvote but found themselves unable to because their karma points are not enough. Maybe they are new to AFF so they have not enough karma points.

Also, it’s not advisable for us to make a bargain with our readers. For example, we ask for ____ upvotes in return of more updates. It’s a big NO. Plus, if a writer will say that she is somewhat sad about the number of upvotes, your readers will tend to raise their brows. Believe me.

Before I end, I’m sorry if I’m rather harsh and frank with my review.  Honestly speaking, the great momentum that I found in your story tends to decrease when I read the very long author notes and their content. Its okay for you to reply to their comments on your author notes to encourage them to comment (it’s actually a good strategy). Just omit the parts about being disappointed with the number of upvotes, okay? Try to keep it sweet and simple like Your feedback is welcome and appreciated! Upvote if you like ^^

Try to read Writing: Thoughts and Tips by Erischaotica. There are also some good AFF rants here:  Why People Hate Your Story, My rant about aff, Things I Cannot Stand.

Don’t forget to credit me by copying littlemisshappyify | Good Review Shop and pasting it on your foreword. Please link my username and shop.

If you are satisfied with your review, your upvote is highly appreciated. Please comment below.

Feel free to ask for a redo. I will do it after you have made the necessary changes that I suggested.

Thank you for requesting!