Am I Hurting?

A storyline by KyuteukLover

I like the title. It’s short and easy to remember. It complements the story’s angst concept. It also gives that questioning of sanity since the character is really suffering from a mental disorder. One of the primary assessments in determining one’s sanity is self-assessment, aside from interpersonal relationship, orientation to reality, and activities of daily living. When a person doesn’t even know himself anymore, he can be subjected to psychiatric help. From that certain aspect, I really think the title really connected with the storyline. The character seemed to be questioning his feelings. It’s like he doesn’t know what he is feeling. The statement “Am I hurting?” really gives off that questioning of self. That is a mentally disturbed person’s character. Good job!

The statement that started with “Dwelling on the past…” until the statement “…it always hurts” definitely summarize what is happening in the story without revealing too much. But when you stated the warnings about character death and Hyukjae’s identity, the mystery and suspense ebbed a bit. I would suggest that you remove the warnings. They revealed those supposed to be pinnacles of your stories, making it less mysterious to the readers. It would be better if you’ll remove them to make the story more suspenseful.

It’s short yet definitely catchy. Plus, it didn’t reveal too much. Adding the statement “Am I hurting?” is a nice touch too, connecting it to your title. Well done!

Most of the time, your tenses are correct. There is slight switching of tenses, however, so try to proofread all chapters and correct them.

I noticed that you sometimes used statements like “Don’t get him wrong.” Since you are using third person POV, these statements looked awkward. If you add statement with “you” outside of conversations or write paragraphs as if you’re addressing the readers, you are switching to second person POV, which is not good. So, I suggest that you try to restate those statements to make them appropriate for third person POV.   

These are some common errors:

1. Stuttering

[Original] Y-yeah

[Suggestion] Y-Yeah

[Note] When the first letter was capitalized, then the next same letter should also be capitalized. Same goes with the situation wherein if the first letter was not capitalized, the next same letter should not also be capitalized.

2. Numbers

[Original] 5 minutes

[Suggestion] Five minutes

[Note] As long as the number is below a hundred, it would be more ideal to write the number in words.  

[Hyukjae] I find it unrealistic for his character to easily accept the responsibility of pretending to be Eunhyuk at the very beginning. Helping a stranger no matter how pitiful the situation is, would be a subject for hesitancy. Hyukjae easily accepted the fact that he looked like Eunhyuk a lot and went pretending to be Eunhyuk to help Donghae. I would suggest that you add more details. Show more hesitancy in his part.

[Donghae] You’ve done a very good job creating his character. You have able to create him like what a mentally disturbed person is. The flaws of his personality made him an almost perfect character. The way he is portrayed till the end is consistently good. Well done!

The incorporation of mental disorder in order for the character to dwell in the past is a good twist. It is a risky plot but I think you’ve done a very good job in portraying that conflict. The way you explained it is easy to understand even to those who are not familiar with the disorder. Let me also add that if someone lost something dear to him, a healthy depression would only last for two years. Beyond that, it needs psychiatric help. It’s good that you managed to say that the death happened three years ago, making his dwelling in the past as a rational subject for psychiatric help. I believed that you’ve fairly done your research. Good job!

And also, let me also emphasize again the assessment of sanity. These criteria can identify whether a person is really suffering from mental illness or not.

1. Self – a person doesn’t even know himself. There are times when he doesn’t even his own name and that he doesn’t know that something is wrong with him. In your story, Donghae doesn’t know that something is wrong with him.

2. Interpersonal relationship – relationship to others are greatly affected. Like what happened to your story, his relationships to others are greatly affected, like Heechul.

3. Orientation to reality – cannot identify what is real or not. This is emphasized in your story as well. With the incorporation of hallucinations and the fact that Donghae cannot even distinguish that Eunhyuk is dead made the story really plausible.

4. Last but not the least, altered activities of daily living – in the first few chapters, you’ve mentioned that he refuses to eat and bathe.

NOTE. In short, what I really wanted to emphasize is that your character as a mentally disturbed person is really believable. He met all of the major criteria that would classify him as that. Are you a medical expert or what?

I am hooked by the concept of doppelganger or mirror image. It is a very interesting twist and considering the fact that the two Hyukkies are not even related seemed a little perplexing yet engaging.    

It has the right pace most of the time. But during the accident when Donghae and Hyukjae met, I think it’s too fast. Try to add more details in that scene. Aside from that, you’ve done a very good job!

The way you presented the flashbacks as short and connected to the present situation is really well done. They’re easy to understand and not confusing at all. I also admire the way you narrated the characters’ range of emotions making us more immersed with them. You gave enough description in order for the readers to visualize the scenarios

To be honest, I’m not a fan of stories. It’s not my cup of tea but the incorporation of heavy angst hooked me. I laughed and cried while reading this story. Overall, I think you’ve done a very good job creating this. I am pulled in your story which is very rare for me when reading stories (no offense intended). I’ve even thought of writing a story about doppelganger a long time ago but I never had the time. Anyway, I’m sorry for taking so long to finish the review. But I’m really flattered that you’ve chosen this shop to review your story. Good luck with the contest, authornim. Let me just say congratulations in advance. But then, either you win or lose; you’re a winner for me. By the way, your story got recommended! Check out the recommended list. Well, you deserved it. :)

P.S. Do try to contact the host of the contest and ask if it is okay to enter your story to 2014 Fanfiction Awards. Contact me later if it is okay and I’ll sponsor you for the Angst Category. Hwaiting!