Story of my Unspoken Heart

A storyline by octy08

Title

It somehow goes along with the story but the problem is that it is Lee Su Hwa’s point of view only. I know that by Unspoken Heart, you mean the OC’s hidden feelings for Minho. The title seems to focus only on the OC’s feelings for him.

There seems to be more on the plot than just plain unspoken heart. There is the mysterious situation surrounding Minho. Or maybe we could look at it this way: Since Minho didn’t speak about his condition to the OC, the words my unspoken heart could also be referring to Minho.

If it is, then can I suggest something?

While reading your story, I come up with the conclusion that both your characters have unspoken hearts. The OC is tight-lipped about her feelings to Minho, while Minho is also tight-lipped about his mysterious situation. So, I think it would be better if we will shorten the title to Unspoken Hearts. Though it will confuse the readers, it would be better to change it once you have completed the story, IF you decide to change it. But this is only a suggestion. It’s all up to you.

Description/Foreword

Both the description and foreword are enough to draw in your readers. Personally, I really liked how you keep them simple yet striking. Good job!

Poster/Presentation/Appearance

Okay, you don’t have any poster, not that I mind but we know that in reality, people sometimes judge a story based on a pretty poster. I know it’s not fair. But that’s the sad truth.

By the way, I noticed that you’re using third person POV and that you’re always using Author’s POV every time you start a chapter. A little word of advice: don’t change your POV to first person later because you have come a long way using the third person POV. Switching to first person POV would make it unprofessional (sorry for my word.) And lastly, if you decided to use third person POV for the whole story, there is no need to put Author’s POV every time you start a chapter.  

Characterization

Lee Su Hwa. Your OC is relatable. The way you portrayed her is enough for readers to fit themselves to her character. I understand how she feels for Minho because how can she not fall to a guy who has always been there beside her? But there are times when I find it funny for her to get irritated when Minho doesn’t recognize her feelings for him.

Choi Minho. I am actually digging the mysterious situation that he doesn’t want Su Hwa to discover. I also like the fact that we don’t know if he actually feels the same way for Su Hwa. Try to not reveal his real feelings for her yet (if he loves her more than a best friend). Make it appear as if his only concern is Su Hwa’s reaction towards his secret. What I mean is, try not to reveal that he loves her. You get what I mean?

Plot

The story is somehow realistic. I really like how you make them very relatable to the readers. I actually like how you introduce the characters; how you point out that they are like some average kids, making them very relatable. Friends-turned-lovers are most often used on plots but I really like how you incorporated the mysterious situation of Minho making your readers on the edge of their seats, making them wonder if there will be a happy ending for these two. Personally, I really like that because it makes it more interesting.

Pacing

The pacing most of the time is good. But there are moments when it tends to be a little too fast, especially the part where we try to uncover Minho’s issues. I think that it is too early for the readers to learn that something is wrong with him. Try to throw more addendums without compromising the story.

Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary

You are very consistent with your tenses and you have a very good vocabulary. The problem here is the usage of quotation. I wonder if the errors come from you because Blind and Blinded isn’t bombarded with this problem.

I will repeat again what I have already mentioned in the other story for the benefit of your co-authors:

The sentence contains a quotation and an identifier. What is an identifier? It is also known as the dialogue tag that let the readers know who is speaking. Examples are the following: She said, he said, they said, he muttered, etc.

Now, the problem from most of your quotations is the use of modifiers. Most of the time, you used identifiers after the quotation, so use this standard format:

First Quotation mark + whole quotation + comma + Last Quotation mark + one space + first word of identifier (should not be capitalized unless the identifier is a proper noun e.g. names)

Ex. “I love you,” she said.

In addition, if you use identifiers before the quotation, then follow this format

Identifier + comma + one space + whole quotation

Ex. He said, “I love you too.”

Note: If you have some clarification, feel free to comment below.

Writing Style

Like what I have already mentioned, you have a great writing style. Direct to the point, yet you gave just enough details to keep your readers hooked.

Overall Enjoyment

This story has a lot of potential. I know that just a little bit of polishing this story will receive more good reviews in the future. This actually reminds me of Choi Minho’s drama. If I am not mistaken, he is also a high jumper and that he has this issue about his health. I don’t know if this story was inspired by the drama but I could see the similarity in that particular area.  

I’m really sorry for the late review. But I hope this will help.

Reminders

Don’t forget to credit me by copying littlemisshappyify @ Good Review Shop and pasting it on your foreword.

Please link my username and shop.

Please comment below.

Feel free to ask for a redo. I will do it after you have made the necessary changes that I suggested.

Thank you for requesting!