Twist of Fate || PenguinNinjaa
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Twist of Fate
Storyline by: PenguinNinjaa
Date Requested: Mar 21, 2014 18:24:33
Review Submitted: Mar 22, 2014
Sneak Peek:
Feeling exhausted, Yoona broke down. Sobbing, she roughly pulled her hair and kept knocking at her head while muttering the words stupid, hopeless, useless, worthless, good for nothing human being that was all directed towards herself. She didn't bother wiping her tears away and continued hitting herself, wiping her tears wouldn't make them stop. It was useless trying to wipe them away when there would be more tears coming.
She wanted to feel pain; she wanted to punish herself because she wasn’t there for him when he needed her. She wanted to kill herself just so that she can go up there and apologize to Daehyun for being so ignorant. But she knew she couldn’t do that. Because even if she tried, Yoona was sure they wouldn’t be able to meet because she would end up in hell while Daehyun would be in heaven. Sometimes Yoona wondered why she hadn’t killed herself years ago, so that she could escape from all the suffering. But then she remembered that Daehyun had always kept her strong and convinced her that she was there for him and she was there to keep him together.
But Daehyun’s not here anymore.
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Title
When I saw the title, my first thought is that it is somewhat common and generic (could be applied to other stories, even with different plots) yet I must say that it is dramatic as well. It made me think of heavy angst and drama, and when I began reading your story, my assumption is right. As I go on with your story, I could somewhat predict a cruel fate waiting for the main characters. Twist of Fate is a good title of your story. I am thinking that we will see more impact of the title later on in your story, when they will meet more challenges and dilemma.
Description/Foreword
Okay, I know a lot are confused about the description and foreword but here is the thing. Description is for the summary of the story and the character profiles, though Character profiles could be also included in the Foreword.
The Foreword on the other hand, is for the author notes, a brief rant, brief fangirling, brief explanation how you came up with the story, credits for posters/trailers/layouts. It is also accepted that the Foreword is for the story’s prologue as well. But I much prefer the prologue to be included in the first chapter.
The content of your foreword that began with “Life is unfair. The world is unfair. Love is unfair...” should be placed on the description. You should put it first thing on your description box.
If you wanted to have character profiles, you could put their photos together with their names. But, I suggest that you remove each character description that you had placed because it revealed too much of the plot. In a reader’s POV, I would want to know the characters as I go on with the story. I would prefer to have some critical thinking, to predict the upcoming events myself. When you put the character descriptions, I thought maybe the story involves Henry Lau as the antagonist who would play havoc in the lives of the main characters. It is far too revealing. In other words, the things that must be in a character profile are the images and their names ONLY.
Honestly, your words that began with “Life is unfair…” until “Will their love be able to overcome the odds?” drew me in. Believe me when I say that your words are not ‘y’ at all. :) You had even paralleled your words with your title. Good job with that. However, I think it would be more dramatic if you will end your description with the words “…twist of fate.” Let me give you some ideas.
Your Version
Life is unfair. The world is unfair. Love is unfair.
Why is everything just so unfair?
Yoona, a woman struggling to live in this harsh, cruel world, finally finds what she thought was no longer possible, love.
Yoona and her lover want only to find happiness, but it looks like fate doesn’t think they make a perfect match.
So, what happens when fate tries to separate them? What happens when her past interferes with her future?
Will they be able to overcome the difficulties? Will Yoona finally be able to live a normal life? Most importantly,
Will their love be able to overcome all odds?
My Version:
(Take note that this is only a suggestion. You could still stick with your version because it’s nice as it is. If you want to use this, then thank you for trusting me. But if you want to add more, that would be okay.)
She was only a child then but fate played its cruel tricks on her and took everyone that she had dearly loved. Left alone, she had learned to endure the hardships this cruel world had given her. Then she met him and found the love and security that she yearned. But what if fate will intervene again?
With her past threatening to destroy her future, will their love be enough to battle the odds?
Will she be able to survive again another cruel twist of fate?
Remember: There is no need to italicize the description. Use Georgia size 14. Center.
Appearance
Since you are writing an angst story, I suggest that you use Times New Roman or Georgia. As an angst writer myself, I prefer Georgia. Use size 12 or 14, not too small yet not too big. You could use 16 or 18 for the description and foreword, BUT NOT ON THE CHAPTERS.
Use left aligned or justified, your choice.
Try also to indent your entire paragraphs. Highlight all of your texts and click the right indention on the tools above. Just click once.
The poster is beautiful. If it is possible, you could ask the graphic artists to add "Why is fate so cruel?" But leaving the poster like that is okay though.
Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary
Frankly, you’re one of the few authors I met in AFF that has the almost perfect grammar. You really know your tenses and you have a very wide vocabulary. Good job!
SOME THINGS TO IMPROVE
CHAPTER 1
1. Dug dug. Dug dug. Bheart beating.
Suggestion: Her heart thumped wildly against her chest.
2. “IDIOT! Watch where you’re…”
Do not capitalize all letters even though you’re portraying anger. It is better if you will just use your words (you have that in you, believe me) to express anger.
Suggestion: “Idiot!” she shouted, unconsciously raising her voice in anger. “Watch where you’re…”
3. She looked like a cat. A kitten, I may add.
It’s awkward finding the word “I” all of a sudden. Since you are using the third POV, stick with it.
Suggestion: She looked like a cat. A kitten to be exact.
4. The stranger scanned her body for surroundings before gasping…
I think you had overlooked this particular sentence.
Suggestion: The stranger scanned her body for any damages before gasping…
5. “WHAT?...I THINK YOU’RE TALKING TO THE WRONG PERSON.”
Like what I’ve said in #1, do not capitalize. Use your words to describe their emotion.
6. …glared at the man before continuing, “and I have a gash on my leg!...
Capitalize the “And.” I saw similar cases like this on the other chapters, take note of it.
7. I still have so much things to say, old man!...chewed your ear off!
Put “she thought/she thought fumingly” at the end.
8. I fainted? Why does my body hurt so much? Especially my leg.
Since you had started with third person POV, stick with it.
Suggestion: He fainted? Why does his body hurt so much? Especially his leg.
9. “Oookay?”
I’m not really sure what you are portraying with this.
If he is stuttering you could use this Suggestion: O-o-okay?
Or if he is prolonging his pronunciation,
Just spell the word right. It doesn’t matter.
10. Riiiiight.
Same goes with "Oookay." Just spell the word right.
Or Suggestion: “Right,” she said sarcastically, nodding a few times.
11. You’re not my type.
Include that inside the quotation marks since Kyuhyun muttered the words.
Jinho-yah, I miss you. I wish you were here with me right now.
You could italicize the sentences
CHAPTER 2
1. Let’s rewind back to what happened 8 hours ago:
Like what I’ve said, you’re using third person POV so you should stick with it. With the sentence above it’s the same as “Let US rewind back…”
Using YOU, US, I are not for third person POV.
Suggestion: Yoona remembered again what happened eight hours before she met the stranger.
2. Misspelled “todaay”
3. “What? He seemed so cute!...all I’ve seen you do” Seohyun said before…
Watch out for your comma before the end quotation. There are some cases on the other chapters. Watch out for that.
4. “Bye, Yoona~”
Do NOT USE TILDES ( ~ ) just use ( – )
5. “As I have said, we have not yet found the reason of his death. However, a few days ago, someone filed a report case for murder,-”
When the person speaking is interrupted or suddenly stopped talking, just put hyphen ( – ), like this: “asndsjd-”No more commas.
Then, for example if the person will continue talking where s/he left off, you could put the hyphen once again like this “-asdhsdh.”
CHAPTER 3
1. “me?”
Remember to capitalize.
2. REMEMBER ALL OF THE THINGS I TOLD YOU ABOVE (CHAPTER 1). The errors I saw in this chapter are similar to the previous chapters.
CHAPTER 4
1. The part where two parts of Kyuhyun’s mind seem like having a debate.
SUGGESTION:
Oh yeah? Who? You have no friends, the other part of him retorted.
A cry of outrage said, Hey, we’re in the same body! If I have no friends, you have no friends either!
You’re right. I’m sorry, the other part of him finally conceded.
2. “Su-re,”
Do not put the hyphen there, your descriptive words are enough.
3. The other errors that I found are somewhat related with the other errors that I had pointed out.
Characterization
Im Yoona. I like your heroine. Despite all of her struggles in life, she remained fearless, strong-minded. It’s amazing how she could still maintain her sanity with her situation. I really like how you portrayed her emotions (the part wherein she is screaming her frustration). As you write the upcoming chapters, I suggest that you will give also some glimpses of her hardships (e.g. how her family is killed, her financial burden, some situations she had with her ex). I know you already did but try to add more.
Cho Kyuhyun. Honestly, it’s not everyday that I get to meet his kind of character in a first male lead. Most stories would portray the first male lead as “masculine.” In my own personal opinion, Kyunhyun’s character is like an unknown territory, waiting to be explored. There must be a reason why he has hemophobia. (Maybe you’ll reveal a past event on his life where he had lost someone? That involves blood? Accident perhaps? There must be a reason why he took up law, maybe something happened to him before that must be painful? He craves Justice?) I am really intrigued with his character. I even find his stutters cute and all. I just hoped that his amusing antics wouldn’t affect his performance as a lawyer.
Henry Lau. Although I didn’t meet him yet, I felt like I am already predicting his personality through Yoona. Maybe he is the kind of person whom they thought as sweet and kind, but will turn out as the complete opposite?
Writing Style
I like your writing style! The way you play with words is just superb. I could even picture the scenarios infront of me like I'm watching a drama.
I could even fit myself into Yoona’s character and I absolutely felt the struggles she had to go through. I like how you portrayed her when she was screaming her frustration in Chapter 3. It was just wow! Good job, authornim. Few authors could pull that off. You’re great with that and keep that up! Try using that particular strength of yours in your other characters as well in portraying their emotions. It would bring more impact on your story.
Also, I like how you end up Chapter 2. Try to end each chapter with a cliffhanger to tease your readers so they would be eager to read the next chapter. Think of something intriguing and interesting conversation/event on the end of every chapter. Hook your readers with that technique.
Plot
To be honest, I had never encountered a plot like yours before. Although there are stories out there with girls who are orphaned and were left alone to fend for themselves, you made your own twist by adding a murdered ex-boyfriend in the scene, a vague friend/foe speculation of another character, and a mysterious lawyer.
But I have to be honest with you that I had somewhat predicted Henry’s character and his role in the near future because of what you put on your character profile (remember to remove them!).
The plot must kept the readers on the edge of their seats so keep them guessing, make your storyline unpredictable. Do not reveal immediately the cause of Kyuhyun’s phobia. Also, try to emphasize why Kyuhyun wanted to help Yoona despite her lack of money. Is it because he was asked by his friend the officer? Is it because of sympathy for Yoona? Or is it because he just pities those who need justice?
I noticed too in your author’s notes in Chapter 3 that you’re not very familiar with what is happening in the court? You have to research about that a bit to make your story more believable. But I am not saying that you must read tons of law books. That would be tedious. Instead just research the most basic things when handling a case. For example, sub poena in court means calling the involved persons to show on court; adduces testificantum, and other terms. Just the simple terms, okay?
Overall Enjoyment
I started enjoying your story in Chapter 2. Just like what I've mentioned above, the ending of your chapter 2 is great! That is what had hooked me. I really enjoyed your story and I shall enjoy it while it lasts. I am really intrigued with what is happening in your story. I really think that you need more subscribers because this is an amazing read! Because of that, I will feature you. But remember to make the necessary changes. Hwaiting authornim!
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