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Hunter’s Daughter
A storyline by heartbreaker 12345
Date Requested: Mar 22, 2014 04:12:02
Review Submitted: Mar 24, 2014
SYNOPSIS
“Are you some kind of ert or something?”
“What? A ert?” he approached her. “I’m here to get the pup and I’m not leaving without it.”
“Don’t hold your breath you ,” she puts the pup down near his food and stood up.
“I’m not a , if you wanna know my name you can just ask.”
She stood there staring at his handsome face, acting like she wasn’t interested to know who he was.
“The name’s Kris and I’m here to get what doesn’t belong to you.”
“You can just go back where you came from, because this dog is not leaving here and it doesn’t belong to you either,” she yells at him.
“It’s not a dog you idiot. I already told you, do you want me to forcibly take it from you?” he yelled back at her, angry.
She suddenly burst out screaming in terror. “Wh…what was that?” she outs a hand over in fear, distancing herself from him.
“What was what?”
“Your teeth, they were really really big…an-and long.”
“Aren’t you a funny one with a big imagination?”
TO READ THE STORY, CLICK HERE
Title
It is a good title, very catchy and interesting. I’m sure readers who craved fantasy flair would click on this story. At the same time, it is vague in a good way. It doesn’t give away too much of the plot, which is good.
It would make readers question, “Why Hunter’s daughter?” What is a hunter? Although some readers might guessed already that the word ‘hunter’ means a person who hunts paranormal things, it’s an appropriate title.
Description/Foreword
Here is the thing about description and foreword. The description is for the summary of the story. You could even add character profiles here if you want.
A word of advice: Make a description. Draw in your readers to subscribe to your story by making a good summary of your story.
Suggestion: (Note: If you have other ideas, feel free to use them. This is only a suggestion. I am not forcing you to use mine.)
Like any other young adults, Sooyoung has her own set of friends and live a contented life in the city. But she has to give that up when her family recently moved in pursuit of her father’s work.
Like any other daughter, she must support him. But unlike any other people, her father is a hunter. With the strange place lurking with dark mysteries, does being a hunter’s daughter guarantee her safety? Or will it be the cause of grave danger?
Note: Okay. Maybe that is not good enough. You could add more if you want. Or better yet, you could make a better one. Use Georgia font 14/16 here. BLACK ONLY.
Remove all of the things that you put on your description. Put them on the foreword. For the foreword, you could post brief rant, brief explanation how you came up with the story, credits for posters/reviews.
Appearance
Since you are writing a fantasy drama, use Georgia 14 as your font. You could left align or justify your paragraphs. Indent the paragraphs to the right. Remember to be very consistent with your font. Use black font color only.
I noticed that you entitled all of your chapters with “Hunter’s daughter.” There is no need to do that because readers already know that your story is entitled as “Hunter’s daughter.” You could just name them as “Chapter One,” etc. Or better yet, you could come up with chapter titles.
For example:
Chapter One: A hunter’s daughter
Chapter Two: Strange Persons?
Or did you really intend to name the chapters as “Hunter’s daughter” and will name the other chapters (3,4,5,etc) differently? If that is the case then, try not to use the same title in the NEXT chapter. You could repeat the same title but try not to use it again on the NEXT chapter. Do you get what I mean?
Both posters are beautiful. Although, I like the poster with the red orange background more. It has more dramatic impact so I suggest that you put that particular poster in the Foreword. You could still use the other one in the chapters if you want.
Lastly, be consistent with the number of spaces between paragraphs. If you have already used one space between the first and second paragraph, use the same number of space the rest of your paragraphs.
Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary:
I admit you have a very good vocabulary and you’re good with your tenses. I mean, you’re really, really good with your tenses. I don’t even consider myself good when it comes to tenses. So good job!
There are some issues in your grammar however and I had able to list some samples. I would have listed all of the errors that I found in your story since there are only two chapters. But you disallowed text selection. It is mentioned on the rules that you must allow text selection. Although I have already sent a PM and asked you to allow text selection <*sighs>, you didn’t. The reason for that is to make it easier for me to point out the errors. So the only way to help you in this category is for you to proofread all of your chapters.
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“maybe I could get used to this”.
Suggestion: “Maybe I could get used to this.”
Note: Remember to capitalize the word after the beginning-mark. Put period before the end-mark. There are several sentences like this in the two chapters. Do search and correct them.
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“Sooyoung” the maid shook her up “wake up, why are you sleeping in the kitchen?”
Suggestion: “Sooyoung-” the maid shook her up. “-wake up, why are you sleeping in the kitchen?”
Note: If the person speaking is interrupted/stopped talking, put a hyphen (-) after the statement and when s/he continued speaking where s/he left off, put a hyphen (-) before the statement. I saw other errors the rest of the chapters, search and correct them.
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“Not yet, I just came”
Suggestion: “Not yet, I just came.”
Note: Remember to put periods/commas before the end mark. There are other errors like this.
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“Come here you cute puppy.Where did you come from?” she picks up the little animal. She looks around and saw nobody.
Suggestion: “Come here you cute puppy. Where did you come from?” she picked up the little animal. She looked around and saw nobody.
Note: Since you used past tenses at the very beginning, be consistent. Use past tenses all throughout your story. There are other errors again. Please proofread and correct them.
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“Nooo!”
Suggestion: “No!”
Note: No need to add more o’s to emphasize your word. Just describe the voice/expression/emotion of the person who uttered it.
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…she was a daughter in that family.They had just.
Note: Remember to make a space between the sentences. There are other errors again. PLEASE go and correct them.
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Ajhumma - misspelled
Like what I have already mentioned, I would have listed all of the errors that I found in your story since there are only two chapters. But since you disallowed text selection, it is way impossible for me to list all of the errors. Just proofread and search all of the errors similar to the samples above.
Characterization
Sooyoung. I have this feeling that her character is that of a simple girl despite her family of hunters. Correct me if I am wrong. I think it’s great to be a hunter’s daughter only, not a hunter herself. So far, all I can tell is that she wanted to live a normal life. I can feel her anger towards her family for being what they are. It affected her tremendously, having to leave her past life. But it is amazing how she still tries to cope up with that kind of situation. I like the fact that the only ways that she could rebel is through little ways such as venturing in the forest alone despite her father’s warnings. This kind of small ‘rebellion’ would be of great help to her in the story, especially if she will be torn between her father and Kris.
Kris. He is mysterious and yet I could somehow picture him as a werewolf/paranormal? It seemed like he is a dangerous person (if he is even a person at all) and yet he is somewhat protecting Sooyoung (?) or was he protecting the others from her? Since Sooyoung is the hunter’s daughter, I am curious to how he will protect himself from falling in love with her (which I assume would be the case, yeah?).
A word of advice, describe the strain or the boundary that he felt must be between him and Sooyoung when it comes to the point that he realized that he has feelings for her. Sizzle the romance by adding the dramatic flair “…I love her but we cannot be together/She is a hunter’s daughter, I must kill her or I will be killed by her father/I cannot be with her/etc.” You get what I mean? Make him torn between his love for Sooyoung and his wariness/fear/hatred/detestation of her father.
Writing Style
So far, your style is good. You’re descriptive and at the same time direct to the point. The conversations are very clever. The way you started the story is good. You had already made your readers hooked with the appearance of Kris and the mysterious baby wolf in the first chapter.
I also like that there are some short scenes where you depicted the exo characters. These scenes are fast paced yet packed with interesting conversation.
A little advice though, put a cliffhanger on every end of your chapters to make your readers crave for your updates. Think of a situation or conversation, something mysterious/vague to interest your readers. Throw something totally unexpected in every end of the chapters.
For example, in the end of the first chapter, you could add the baby wolf looking at her hungrily/dangerously without Sooyong knowing.
In the second chapter, you could point out some naughty/crazy thoughts of Luhan of what he might try to do to Sooyoung despite her mom’s warning. Make him curious as to why his mom is protecting Sooyoung. Make him appear as if he is planning something.
Although these chapters are already posted and you cannot possibly add these little cliffhangers, you could still add them if you have already completed your story and if you are in hiatus and MENTIONED to your readers that you are going to revamped your story. Word of advice is, do not revamped the two chapters by adding some scenes. Just take this little piece of advice and apply it to the next chapters. For now.
Plot
It is interesting. Being a hunter’s daughter must be hard for a woman who wanted a normal life. Correct me if I am wrong. Their family is a group of hunters, right? But Sooyoung is not a hunter herself? Being an ordinary woman in this type of family is interesting. Being torn in a world with strange creatures and all must be very hard for her.
Add the fact that Kris, her love interest I guess, is being hunted by her father. It would be interesting to see how their relationship will develop.
I also like how you made your story dark and dramatic. Just a little tip though, describe the forest more. I know you are good with descriptive words. Use that strength of yours to picture this strange forest. Since the forest is the setting, make it a point to describe it every now and then without being repetitive. Describe some plants, some creatures, the ground, how the sun settled in the background, the sounds and coldness/dampness of the wind, the noises, etc.
Overall Enjoyment
So far I am hooked with your story. The only strain here is some of the grammatical errors every now and then. Remember to correct them.
I also mentioned in the rules that requesters must remove subscribers-only. Okay, I have no issues with that right now. I am subscribed to your story and I will stay subscribed until the end. Although we writers wanted subscribers in our stories, some readers when browsing actually skipped stories with ‘subscribers only’ option.
But if really want to still put the ‘subscribers only’ option, then tag exo, fantasy, and angst. These are some famous tags. Exo is the most popular group in AFF. I’m sure that those Exo-biased readers will click on your story even if they will see the ‘subscriber only.’
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