Forevermore

A storyline by hopexdreams

Date Requested: Mar 21, 2014 19:48:18

Review Submitted: Mar 23, 2014

Title

It’s short, simple, and easy to remember. As I read your one shot, I thought, “Why forevermore?” It seemed a little vague at first. Then I read the ending of your story. The part when you said “…Forever And Always” was a spot on.

Good job!

Your style of coming up with a title is connecting it to the ending. At the same time, you make your readers realize soon after they read your story that the title is The Title all along. My first impression of the title as vague was soon replaced by amazement. Because after reading your story, I could now read forevermore between the lines.

Believe me when I tell you that those very picky readers like me would certainly see how great you are when it comes to this.

Do not mind if there are other stories here in AFF who have the same title as yours. It is better to stick with a common yet appropriate title rather than out of this world, unique title that doesn’t really go along with your story. I hoped the judges of the contest would realize that and will give your title full marks.

And it doesn’t really matter if there are readers out there who would not click this story because they think that the title is simple. It’s their loss anyway. It’s better to focus on your writing rather than minding the number of subscribers and upvotes.

So stick with your style. Do not go along with the flow just to earn subscribers like naming your story OMO!!! BAEKHYUN OPPA IS DEAD?!...IN LOVE WITH EXO’S BAEKHYUN…A FANGIRL IN LOVE WITH BAEKHYUN!!?...OMO! CRAZZZZY FOR BAEKHYUN!!! FANGIRLING BAEKHYUN!!! I LOVE YOU BAEKHYUN OPPA!!! <*facepalm> You get what I mean?

Description/Foreword

Some things in our life were never meant to be forgotten.

They just stopped being our priority in life.

Sometimes, you have to make a sacrifice.

To have something better,

You have to sacrifice something.

That something could mean little to nothing to you,

Or the world to you.

Okay. At first I was confused. Why did authornim entitled her story “Forevermore” and come up with this description? What’s the connection? Then the ending of the story hit me again. I am truly amazed. You connected the description to your ending which is connected to the title, connecting your description and the title. Do you get what I mean?  Good job again!

Since you’re writing a dramatic story, stick withthe font Georgia. Do not italicize. Size 14 or 16. Center text. Black font color.

It is okay to emphasize that your story is an entry for a contest in the description. But I think it broke the momentum. I think it would be better if you will put it on the foreword, after ◇ ◇ ◇ ◇ ◇ and before the credits.

When it comes to the foreword, the part “Breath…prove me wrong” had me confused again AT FIRST. What is the connection? Then I read the first part of your story. Whoo. You are really, really good. How many times did I mention that you’ve done a good job? Twice already? Make it three. Good job!

Appearance

Use Times New Roman or Georgia, preferably the latter. Use size 12 or 14, not too small yet not too big. Use left aligned or justified, your choice. Try also to indent your entire paragraphs.  Highlight all of your texts and click the right indention on the tools above. Just click once.

The poster is simply beautiful. Kudos to the poster shop.

Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary:

Since this is one shot, I had able to list some errors.

1. And then her instincts decided to warn her repeaqtedly (misspelled)

2. ...especially after they were great help to her

Suggestion: ...especially after they were of great help to her

3. … and she knew they never would

Suggestion: ...and she knew they never will

4. But this time, it was the different case.

Suggestion: But this time, it was a different case.

5. It's just opening the entertainment section of the daily newspaper. What's the big matter? Meh.

Suggestion: It's just opening the entertainment section of the daily newspaper. What's the big deal?

Note: If you can help it, avoid using terms such as “meh” in your story. Although some may accept it, I find it unnecessary. Replace it with widely accepted words as much as possible.

6. … who seemed to be very sick

Suggestion: who seemed to be very sickly

7. "SM Entertainment's most glorified soloist, Byun Baekhyun passed away due to a sudden attack of epiglottis."

You don’t need to put quotation marks. Indent it to the right instead. Just click once on the right indentation. Still make it bold.

8. Shock. Broken. Horror. Disbelief.

Suggestion:

Shock.

Horror.

Broken.

Note: Try to separate the three. I suggest you remove the word “disbelief” because it doesn’t have the same dramatic impact like the other words.

9. Those were some of the explainable feelings that overwhelemed (misspelled) into her as her stomach tied in countless knots.

Suggestion: So many emotions clamoring for room on her chest, overwhelming her until she felt her stomach tightened into knots.

Note: You could stick with your own version if you want. Just spell the word right.     

10. The memories of 13 years ago flowed back, when she used to live the life of a fangirl. She literally lived to fangirl. Fangirl for a certain 12-member boy group which SM Entertainment debuted on the 8th of April 2012, EXO. How she had her eyes set on a certain member who used to use the most eyeliner in the group.

Suggestion:

With the box in her hands, her memories of thirteen years ago flowed back, back to a time when she had lived the life of a fangirl. She is a fangirl.

No.

She was a fangirl.

There’s a difference. She was a fangirl for a certain 12-member boy group under the label SM Entertainment who debuted on the 8th of April 2012. They were known then as EXO.

A sudden wave of wonderment went washing over her as she stared at the almost fading photographs in her hands. With the group’s huge number, why did she set her eyes solely on a certain member? Why did she fangirl the guy who used to use the most eyeliner in the group?

11. They were bashed for their desire for their trio to be beyond expectation. They were bashed for apparently thinking that they were beyond expectation, when they said it themselves that they were not beyond expectation and they were not even close to that but they will try their very best to be.

And that clarification created even more haters for them, for no apparent reason. Nevertheless, Hyejin still supported them. She loved them with all her heart, proclaiming herself as a Pearl, their fanclub as they themselves said that their fans were invaluable. She bought every single one of their albums, every single one available.

Suggestion:

They were bashed for their desire to be beyond expectation. They were bashed for apparently thinking that they were beyond expectation, and when they said it themselves that they were not beyond expectation and that they were not even close to that but they will try their very best to be. And that clarification created even more haters for them, for no apparent reason.

Nevertheless, Hyejin still supported them. She loved them with all her heart, proclaiming herself as a Pearl, their fanclub as they themselves said that their fans were invaluable. She was a fan. She was invaluable. Because she believed them, she bought every single one of their albums, every single one available. She was broke then, but it didn’t matter. What matters most is that she was invaluable to Baekhyun.

12. A year later, ByonEX was left with Chen and D.O as Baekhyun decided to become a soloist. She still supported him being a soloist. Even after he released 2 albums and she had financial problems, she bought his merchandise and albums, not caring how the purchase made her financial status worsen.

Suggestion:

A year later, ByonEX was left with Chen and D.O when Baekhyun decided to become a soloist. Still she supported him. After he released two albums, she bought his merchandise and albums, not caring how the purchase burdened her financially.

Note: If you could help it, try to word your numbers (e.g. 2 albums à 2 albums)

13. Hyejin got into a relationship. Build a family. Had two children. Left the life of a fangirl and began the life of a wife and mother.

Suggestion:

Hyejin got into a relationship. She had built a family and had two children. She had left the life of a fangirl and began the life of a wife and a mother.

Note: Some statements in your paragraph are fragments. Make them into sentences.

14. And she did, eventually. It was hard for her. To delete all those files of all the pictures of Baekhyun and EXO. To change her lock screen and home screen to a simpler one instead of Baekhyun's picture. To leave her fangirl life. However, time became a pretty good remedy in that case.

Suggestion:

And she did, eventually. It was hard for her, deleting all those pictures of Baekhyun and EXO, changing her lock and home screen to a simpler one instead of Baekhyun's picture, leaving her fangirl life, leaving Baekhyun.

However, it seemed like time pitied her and eased the pain.

Note: Like what I have already mentioned, complete your fragments. Otherwise, you will lose grammar points in the contest. It would be a shame if that is the case.

15. Content of the newspaper

Note: Like what I have mentioned a while back, indent the content of the newspaper to the right. Since the content here is longer, do not bold it anymore. It would be a total eyesore. Use the same font (Georgia, 12/14). Indent it to the right so that the newspaper content was separated from your narration.  Lower the line spacing.

16. Hyejin's youngest daughter, Eunbyul's question…

Suggestion: Hyejin's youngest daughter, Eunbyul's questioned

Note: Since you had started using past tenses, always be consistent and use past tenses all the way.

17. Hyejin smiled as she watched her 6-year-old daughter skip happily to the kitchen.

Suggestion: Hyejin smiled as she watched her 6-year-old daughter skipped happily to the kitchen.

Note: Same reason #16

Characterization

Jung Hyejin (OC). Her character is very relatable. Her character is a box and I have able to fit myself in that box and experienced the story as if it's happening to me. It’s like I am the OC in this story. I am also a fangirl. Although I am not really into EXO, I am a fangirl of other groups so I can really relate to her and I’m sure your readers can relate as well.

Baekhyun. What I really like about your story is that you made it more realistic by portraying his character as the real idol Baekhyun. Knowing him from afar, from a fangirl’s POV made him more realistic. Even those scenarios about the breakup of the group and all the events that happened to him are realistic because in the real world, those things really happen.

Writing Style

You have a good writing style, authornim. You’re straight to the point yet you gave enough details for readers to see what is happening in the story. I know it is hard to write one shot stories because the chapters are limited. But the way you wrote this is really, really great. 

Plot

It is very original. It is also very relatable because we all know that all readers in AFF are fangirls more or less. I like how this is a story of love, yet it isn’t as simple as that.  It is a story of a typical fangirl, but it is not your typical, predictable story wherein the fangirl met the idol and BOOM! They fell in love with one another.

I really like how you made the fangirl into a regular wife and mom making her character more realistic.  The way she reminisced her memories of being Baekhyun’s fangirl gave us a glimpse of her back then. One could see that she is like any fangirl out there, buying CDs and stuffs, supporting her idol, writing fanfic stories about him, shipping him with other idols, etc. Those scenarios gave her the additional realistic factor.

I like the part wherein the OC decided to grow up and move on with her life. To forget about Baekhyun and prioritize other things (That part of the story connected with your description). Because we all know that idols must remain just like that, IDOLS. They are not part of the real world for a fangirl like the OC.

I also like the fact that although Baekhyun had tremendously affected the OC’s life, Baekhyun doesn’t even know that she exist. Although that is the case, I agree that Baekhyun had given her some memories to cherish, even if she is only one of the many adoring fangirls of Baekhyun, at least Baekhyun had given her something to dream, something to cherish, something to adore, something to write about, something to fight for, and finally, something to give up.

Some suggestion though, you can also try to mention that the OC is remorseful for not being there for him when he is suffering from his illness. Try to angst it more by mentioning that she had always been there for him but then she is somewhat sorry that when he needed support, she was not there for him. But then again, end it by also mentioning that he had always been part of her memories, memories that she had to forget in order to start a new life.

Or you can mention that although she had lost him, he would always be engraved on her memories forever and always. LOL. I think I was really inspired by your storyline.

Overall Enjoyment

You must have guessed already that I enjoyed this. It’s really rare for me to enjoy one shot stories because of their short length but you gave me something to ponder on. Your one shot made me want to search for more one shots out there.

Good luck with the contest and hopefully the judges will also see all of the things that I had seen in your story. I just hoped that they would not overlook this beautiful, poignant one shot. But whatever the result will be, you should be proud of yourself for making Forevermore. 

Now you know why you are featured. : ) You really deserved the spot.